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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to resist the urge to say what I want to say…

316 replies

goinglow · 26/04/2022 04:05

I’ve just been through the most traumatic break-up. We had been together for a year and were planning for the future, when he completely blindsided me with a break-up. Within an hour of that, he did something so reckless, outrageous and insane that it felt like living through a nightmare (I wasn’t hurt, it was something he did that I witnessed). I prefer not to divulge the story but the phrase ‘what a disgusting c*’ is the reaction from most people when they hear the story.

He then blocked me on all mediums and left me an absolute shell of myself. Prior to the break-up we were (I thought) completely in love.

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost.

I want to rip him a new one. I want to tell him if he wants his money he can face me and explain himself and his behaviour. I want to tell him the years of therapy I’ll need will far outweigh the cost. I want to tell him he should be so ashamed of his behaviour and the fact he would come to me for money is a disgrace.

I know I shouldn’t though. Moral high ground and all that.

However, he’s someone that wants a quiet life. He’ll want nothing more than to think his actions have had no consequences and to carry on guilt-free. On that basis, I can’t help but want to remind him this isn’t the case.

What would you do? Pay up, block and move on, or take the opportunity to remind him that actions have consequences and say some of the unsaid things he deserves to hear?

OP posts:
Celendine · 26/04/2022 13:58

If you think you owe him the money then pay him back. Don't have any interactions with him again and cut all ties to him. If you pay him back make sure you can prove that you did so. Be glad you found out now what he's like. You won't get closure from him, the best revenge is silence and move on with your head held high. Don't let him know he's living rent free in your head.

mairerua · 26/04/2022 13:59

Be careful of what you put in a written reply, don't admit liability for anything. This might give him support for a visit to the small claims court.

bunnypenny · 26/04/2022 14:12

after your breakup, did he pull someone else and bring them back to your hotel room - which meant you needed to pay for a new room? If so (or anything vaguely similar) he can jog the fuck on. You’ve paid for part of what you owe, the rest - nope. Ignore him and thank your lucky stars he’s shown you his true colours. It’s trite but the best revenge you can have is to move on and be happy without him.

JennyJumpup · 26/04/2022 14:17

That sounds like bizarre behaviour. And as OP knew him so well and all this is apparently completely out of character…
Perhaps there's another explanation. Does he have a dangerous job and is trying to protect OP in some way? Or has he borrowed money from loan sharks and is trying to distance from his loved ones?
What does his family think about all this?

Sparkletastic · 26/04/2022 14:22

If you owe him money you should repay him. Then move on with your life.

Sparkletastic · 26/04/2022 14:22

If you owe him money you should repay him. Then move on with your life.

tortadicarote · 26/04/2022 14:22

Not to be crude, but who gives a shit about moral high-ground in cases like this? Anyway, why is it the "moral high-ground" to not require someone to treat you with respect and face up to their own actions? I don't think it's immoral to make him deal with the natural consequences of his own behaviour. In this case, the consequences are that you hate him for how he treated you and don't want to make things easy for him.

Only you know what's best for you, to pay him to go away or to vent some spleen in his direction. Act in your own best interests and don't give a crap about so-called "moral high-ground".

gingerhills · 26/04/2022 14:25

I'm guessing you split up and he immediately picked up someone else on holiday and brought them back to the room, causing you to have to pay from earlier return flights or a different room etc.

I think I'd just ignore the request. If that doesn't make him go away, he pesters you for it and you want to get rid of him, write down a list of all the costs you incurred due to his behaviour and offset the lot against what you allegedly owe him. Don't omit anything - every last taxi fare, brandy for shock etc.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/04/2022 14:42

Personally, I think there's a lot to be said for maintaining one's personal dignity no matter what the provocation. So I'd avoid any nasty or sarcastic responses, they aren't going to affect him in the way you want them too, they'll just reinforce to him that you're the 'psycho ex' and justify his behaviour to himself.

I do agree with totaling up the money you had to spend to 'get away' from him after the break up and deducting it from the total you owe him and 'presenting' it in 'paid vs owed' form with a simple comment "Here are my calculations for the £££ <I owe you (or)you owe me> after your egregious behaviour". If you owe him and he's going to make a nuisance/danger of himself, just pay it IF you can afford it. If he owes you, just give him the figure as above but drop it. The main thing you want is him completely and totally out of your life, even at a financial loss. Because unfortunately the 'arsehole tax' is usually paid by the 'non-arsehole'.

RantyAunty · 26/04/2022 14:52

He cost you so calculate how much he owes you and tell him to pay up.

TheGlitterati · 26/04/2022 14:53

Just block him and move on.

TheGlitterati · 26/04/2022 14:54

I lost half a month’s salary when I got dumped, due to paying for a holiday he insisted on and we never went on. I didn’t ask for it back, although I should have. He dumped you, definitely let him beg for it. Block block block

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 26/04/2022 14:56

So hard to say, when you won't tell us what he actually did. Throw a puppy off the balcony? Eat a cockroach? Poo in your suitcase? Have sex with a goat? So many options.

In any case, I'd err on the side of giving it to him with both barrels. In my 20's, 30th and even 40's, I would have given different advice, but now I'm 52 and regret all of the things that I didn't say, and all of the times I didn't stick up for myself. I mean, why?

Tell him exactly what you think. It will be cathartic and this is probably the only window of opportunity you will get to say your piece.

NoHayDosSinTres · 26/04/2022 15:11

Defo don't pay him. Keep it as compensation to spend on yourself.

He acted like a twat so he doesn't deserve the money.

PolitePlantPot · 26/04/2022 15:16

I'd pay him with a nice unemotional note saying that you never want to hear from the disgusting cunt again.

PiesMcPieFace · 26/04/2022 15:20

I think if the agreement was to pay him back for his spending on the holiday you probably ought to do that (especially as you have said that this is manageable for you financially) BUT you should also deduct the additional money that you had to spend because of the mystery vile thing he did. If your extra expenditure comes to more than your 'owings' you should send him a statement and ask him for the money that he actually owes you. Of course, I don't expect that you would see the money but he might pipe down a bit.

I also think that you should tell us what he did. But I am extremely nosey and cannot help that. You should tell us though, definitely.
TELL US

Mariposista · 26/04/2022 15:24

Don't give him a penny. If he wants it, he can come and face you and explain himself. So sorry OP

SpindleInTheWind · 26/04/2022 15:27

goinglow · 26/04/2022 09:48

A significant amount of money, yes! I have been debating whether to add this in.

Well, that and he ruined the bloody holiday.

TigerLilyTail · 26/04/2022 15:28

Mariposista · 26/04/2022 15:24

Don't give him a penny. If he wants it, he can come and face you and explain himself. So sorry OP

Oh, fuck! Definitely don't meet up with him face to face!

This is 100% not about the money. Don't get sucked into any kind of drama with him. Pay or don't pay, but block him and move on.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 26/04/2022 15:41

goinglow · 26/04/2022 09:50

A significant amount of money, yes! I will indeed add this in and offset against anything I owe him. He actually may end up owing me money in the end. A dialogue of sorts is unavoidable but I am keeping it very direct and formal.

I think in that case I would just message him and say, ‘Unfortunately your unforeseen action on holiday cost me a significant amount of money in hotel/ transport etc costs. As such I consider us to be equally out of profit as a result of money spent on the trip and will not be paying anything to recoup any costs you feel you incurred during the holiday or during our relationship. I consider this matter closed. Please do not contact me again.’

I would then just block and delete on any and every platform he might use to contact him and refuse to engage in the conversation any further.

SammyScrounge · 26/04/2022 15:51

TigerLilyTail · 26/04/2022 05:58

I’m genuinely surprised how many people are saying to pay him back.

They had an agreement so she should pay back. He'll have nothing to complain about as far as the OP's behaviour goes. The only questionable behaviour will be his.
Once that loose end is tied off, the OP can go NC with a clear conscience and never speak to that jerk again.

pompei8309 · 26/04/2022 15:53

I have no doubt that you suffer as a consequence of his actions but “ several years” of therapy?? really ? and you still want to entertain him over some petty meal money .
Very dramatic in my opinion affter only one year of relationship

babyjellyfish · 26/04/2022 15:53

goinglow · 26/04/2022 09:50

A significant amount of money, yes! I will indeed add this in and offset against anything I owe him. He actually may end up owing me money in the end. A dialogue of sorts is unavoidable but I am keeping it very direct and formal.

In that case, don't pay him a penny.

Hana89 · 26/04/2022 16:12

goinglow · 26/04/2022 04:31

It was half of several meals and incidentals that he paid for on holiday (which is where we broke up), with an agreement to split the costs when we got home. We split it out of practicality, not out of necessity. We can both afford to cover the costs.

On the one hand you did agree to split the costs, but equally, that agreement came before he broke up with you and ruined your holiday and (from what you've said) he behaved completely inappropriately too! So I think on balance you're very justified in just ignoring his request.
Also if you want to send an email expressing your feelings, maybe write it in Word (so that you can't accidentally hit send too soon!) and sleep on it. Then you can read back what you've written in the morning and if you're still happy with it - hit send! And if you don't want to hear back from him: block! block! block! 😊

stiritwithaknife · 26/04/2022 16:13

"They had an agreement so she should pay back. He'll have nothing to complain about as far as the OP's behaviour goes. The only questionable behaviour will be his." -@SammyScrounge

There are no medals given out for being the most upright and nicest after a breakup.

@goinglow why are you giving this so much headspace?? He doesn't deserve all this worry over what to do. He deserve any more of your time and attention.

Text him back: "😂and you owe me a significant amount of money for the hotel room / new travel tickets / taxi / train / [insert details here] I had to unexpectedly arrange because of you breaking up with me on holiday and putting on such a disgusting display. Never contact me again. If you have an ounce of decency you will transfer $[your total cost for changing your arrangements inserted here] to my bank account. Goodbye". And block him.

DO NOT PAY HIM HALFSIES FOR A HOLIDAY HE PLANNED TO BREAK UP WITH YOU ON! He should have had the decency to break up with you on native soil so you didn't waste your time and money on holiday with him.

Don't be a mouse, OP! Don't be so easily cowed by anticipating and catastrophising worst case scenarios of what he might do if you don't give him everything he wants.