To wish we never had DC6?

[FartVandelay]

We have two DC, 8 and 6.

DC8 has ADHD and while impulsive and a charterbox at times is very sweet and has a heart of gold. I worry about them being taken advantage of at school.

DC6 is a different story. Sneaky, crafty, bullies their sibling, talks back at us, lies and cheats. Yet is a completely different person at school. Their teachers are baffled when we ask how their behaviour is at school compared to home. I have constant battles with food with DC6. Evening meals take hours. They refuse to eat 90% of what I put in front of them regardless of whether they've eaten it before and professed it the best ever. They constantly defy me, hide sweets in their room. I love DC6 so so much but am at the end of my tether. I came close to telling DC6 I wish we'd never had them tonight. Feel like the worst parent. I see all these other families so happy. I was happy when DC6 was born, so happy. I thought our family was complete but if I could turn thr clock back I'm not sure what I'd do. They just make life so hard. I'm exhausted fighting these constant battles with DC6. DH is away with work until Tuesday. I just don't know if I can do two more nights of handling the DC alone. We have no family local and my friends all have their own families to deal with. Is it really this hard?

Have you considered ADHD also for your DC6? Or autism? As sounds like they are masking in school potentially but also displaying some of the ODD characteristics of ADHD...

Coming here to also suggest neurodivergence. It may not be what you might immediately think of, eg. ADHD or autism. One of my DS has dyspraxia, and since school in particular has used home as a safe place to explode into meltdowns. His school report is literally 'perfect' student, and it absolutely exhausts him, masking for so long each day.

Like autism, dyspraxia is neurodivergent, and often comes with sensory issues - like textural discomforts with food. So your child may not be playing up, they just feel safe to express themselves.

It can be challenging at times, and exhausting a lot of the time, but it's not their fault at all.

(Coming at this as an also ND parent, so I know how shattering just going about a normal day can be, and with all the pressures of school, that can be the very worst time. As an adult, you have far more control over where you spend most of your day, and what you do).

Whether they are ND or not (and they do sound like they might be), they're only tiny. Six year olds don't have the same brain function or abilities to cope that adults do, so please forgive them that.

so many posters have suggested this and yet why? Absolutely nothing in the OP’s description of her child suggests anything other than a neurotypical child with parents who don’t like her.

I wouldn’t state it definitively but I agree a huge factor for normal sounding behaviour is the parental dislike

whereas the older child is consistently described as ‘sweet natured’ the 6 year old gets sneaky etc

I really hope the op is changing this entirely and trying to connect with and show the younger Dc more understanding and love

Right!? It's scary how many people would rather label a child with a permanent medical diagnosis rather than accept that their upbringing might be contributing even remotely to their behaviour...

DC6 is good at school.
your post screams that you like DC8 but dislike DC6 - I’m sure that DV6 will be well aware of this, hence the behaviour.
you need family therapy to sort out these issues that are causing you to create this dynamic.

This for sure.
Also, when in a big family, any attention is good attention. We are all unique and individuals, bonding changes with age.

My boys are ND. Eldest with just adhd sounds like yours, my second is has now gotten asd with adhd diagnosis. Sounds very like yours though he now struggles in school now older. We have discovered dc2 has massive anxiety. He will lie constantly about everything as he it's an anxiety default. He can be sneaky and mean where his big bro is just too black and white. He needs more interaction and 1:1 to be kept out of mischief. He can also be incredibly sweet. We have sone lots of work on self controlling emotions.

I’m the case of a lot of children they hold things in at school and let them out at home so it could be school
that's causing the issue.

Bless you, OP. I feel for you. Sorry, no advice as I only have DC1 who is still a toddler but I feel very silly for complaining about their behaviour after reading this. Is this what is to come?! God help me. I have been told that I am far too soft on DC1 and I completely agree. I let them get away with far too much simply because I want to be the nice, fun parent. But I have been strongly warned against this and that I will regret it once they are older. I am trying my best to implicate harsher discipline in terms of taking away gadgets or favourite books before bed if they’re naughty. Using the naughty step for longer than just 5 minutes. When it comes to food, my DC sounds exactly like yours. They will sit there for a whole hour just playing with the food. It drives me absolutely bonkers. My DM told me that it’s quite normal for their age. A pp said that our job is to provide the food, their job is to eat it. Couldn’t agree more with this. Sorry I don’t have any good advice but just wanted to send a virtual hug and let you know that you are a great mother and you are not alone 🌸

She’s not behaving like a great mother.

@DaffodilsandCoffee what makes you say this? I haven’t rtft. She’s here asking for advice which indicates that she has acknowledged there is an issue of some sort. If she didn’t care and was a rubbish mother, surely she wouldn’t be here?

interesting that everyone is assuming the DC are boys - OP hasn’t actually said that. I actually thought they were girls

It’s positive she’s asking for help. However, she seems
to have at least the beginnings of a golden child/scapegoat dynamic, to really quite dislike her 6yo in a way it’s unlikely they haven’t noticed, and to be constantly criticising them over comparatively trivial things. The daily performance review at bedtime is awful. I can really imagine how horrible it would be to have every day end with that as a small child.

I just don’t think anyone should be reassuring her that there’s nothing wrong here, because there is! Not saying she’s a bad person, but there’s an unhealthy dynamic and it really needs fixing!

They shouldn't be doing homework at their age. Nor do I believe in making children go to.bed early.

@DaffodilsandCoffee The daily performance review at bedtime is awful. I can really imagine how horrible it would be to have every day end with that as a small child.

I didn’t read the original post properly then because I didn’t see this. I completely agree. That is awful.

I wouldn’t even do that with a teenager, let alone a small child. I can’t imagine what this could be doing to this child’s psyche and self-confidence.

Harsher discipline for a toddler? That sounds like odd advice, runner. I would ignore it, tbh. Be a nice, fun, kind parent; you also need to have firm rules and boundaries, but that doesn't mean you have to be 'harsh' or use punishment.

The old fashioned school of parenting was authoritarian - punishment/reward, 'because I say so' etc. This can sometimes lead to resentment and tbh doesn't really work very well long term.

Some people react against authoritarianism but fail to put boundaries in place - which can lead to permissive parenting - 'let them do whatever they want'. This can be confusing or even frightening to a child and can lead to them 'acting out' to try and find rules and boundaries.

The best way to parent is with clear, firm, and loving boundaries. Children need structure, instructions, engagement, coaching, help to learn.

It's the difference between being aggressive, passive, and assertive.

In reality most families probably end up with a bit of a mish-mash of those parenting styles, and most of us make mistakes all the time a lot of the time. I think if you keep trying and keep reminding yourself that it's hard work, you're all doing your best, that you all love each other, mostly hopefully it comes out okay.

The daily performance review is so sad, I wonder if op does it with both children?

I posted a link to a book earlier that looks at why kids 'push our buttons'.

It could be that a child is 'triggering' for a parent and brings up lots of difficult feelings, memories, reactions. These patterns can be hard to recognise and very hard to control.

If one is able to withhold judgement and step out of blame and access support to look into this I think it can help both parent and the child, long term.

100% agree with you regarding camhs. They are absolutely useless. They couldn't assess my ds as he wouldn't cooperate and they basically tried to say I'd coached him.

Thank you for this advice. I think that perhaps harsh was the wrong word. What I mean is creating clearer boundaries in terms of action = consequence. Not to say that there are no boundaries because there definitely are, but the lines are admittedly blurred. So when I’ve tolerated a particular behaviour continuously and said or done nothing about it, and then mummy just suddenly gets upset and sends her to the naughty step, that must be incredibly confusing for her. I do warn her beforehand, I explain to her that what she’s doing is wrong and mummy is getting upset but she completely ignores me.

It’s very frustrating which is why I said that I am starting to regret being what my mum describes as too soft on her all this time. She says if I had been harsher with discipline from a couple of years ago, she would be a different child now.

I feel like I have failed her already and she isn’t even 4 yet. I’ve purchased a parenting book on Amazon that a friend recommended as I’ve noticed she gets beside herself when she becomes upset or angry to the point where our usual breathing exercises and talking about what she’s feeling isn’t working anymore 🙁

Anyway, sorry for the essay and thanks again for your feedback!

I've not read all the comments so sorry if this has been mentioned already.

Does your 6 yr old show any ASD traits? Could they be masking at school and then when they are home explode from behaving the 'normal' way all day?

I feel like I have failed her already and she isn’t even 4 yet. I’ve purchased a parenting book on Amazon that a friend recommended as I’ve noticed she gets beside herself when she becomes upset or angry to the point where our usual breathing exercises and talking about what she’s feeling isn’t working anymore 🙁

Aw, I'm sorry, babies/toddlers/kids are hard going, I highly doubt you've failed your daughter!

Honestly, give yourself a break. Kids are hard, parenting is hard. Especially parenting the first one ever. We learn from our mistakes and we keep going.

Young kids have very little self control; their brains are hardly even formed, frontal lobes for emotional regulation, etc. This is why tantrums are a known thing.

I think your instincts are fine in that being 'hard' on a child doesn't really work, and what you say about rules and boundaries is spot on.

I highly recommend the work of Laura Markham - you might find it helpful with how to help your DD navigate her toddlerhood and get the right balance of boundaries and flexibility. I found it life-changing:

www.ahaparenting.com/

This is extremely helpful, thank you.

I don’t know, I think I may be guilty of comparing myself to other mum’s that I see either online or when I’m out shopping. Their children seem so well-behaved while my little one is throwing herself on the floor, screaming about some cookies that she wants and that she’s not getting up until she gets them.

It makes me feel embarrassed and I also worry that people will look at my child and think that she must be incredibly spoilt to be voicing her sense of entitlement in such a fashion ie I’m not getting up until I get them.

Because raising a spoilt child doesn’t just mean spoiling them in the monetary sense. In actual fact, spoiling a child emotionally is much worse imo.

I could give you so many examples but I would be here all night and don’t want to hijack OP’s thread.

So thank you again for the recommendation, will look into this now 💐

Sounds like he is fighting for attention between his five other siblings and acting out at home. He may need some extra time with his parents