AIBU to disbelieve posters who say they're ugly but their DH is very attractive?

[PeaceLurking9to5]

Yes, a thread about a thread so sorry about that, but not one intended to make any poster who feels bad about her looks feel worse, the total opposite.
When I read this statement fairly regularly I think no no no no no, you have elevated him and relegated yourself. He's not as good looking to the rest of the world as he is to you, and you're not as unattractive as you think you are, you're just running yourself down.

It is eye catchingly rare to see an extremely handsome man with an unattractive woman, so if you tell us that you're really unattractive but your DH is very attractive, I don't think you're being objective.

I wonder this as well! In my entire life I’ve never ever seen a “young girl” approach a random 30/40 year old bloke and try to hit on them. In my experience it tends to be more along the lines of attractive young women making polite conversation and the wife assuming they’re trying to nab her Steve because he’s so irresistible.

This happened to me a few times when I was younger, as in I was accused of flirting with someone’s husband who was about 20 years my senior merely because I wasn’t outrightly ignoring them. Bizarre.

I've met some couples who are mismatched in terms of looks (each to their own, and of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I mean from an outsider's point of view), but they all got together when younger and have children together. That grounds you as a couple. It would be unlikely to happen later in life.

In my friendship group, where couples are mismatched in terms of attractiveness, it's always the man who's punching.

When I met my dh he was a 6 and I was a 8 but I am 7 years older. Now he's maybe a 5 and I'm a 4 (weight gain, wrinkles) still love each other. A lot of the time people think their partner is more attractive than others do and most people downgraded themselves (maybe I was a 10😂) so it probably averages out. I agree that most people fall for each other based on mutual attraction which usually is fairly equal. Obviously there's times when other things come into play- money, power etc that can up a persons status.

It's nice that you think that with very little insight lol. My DH is 31 and (IMO and that of others) he is stand-out handsome. A lot of this is to do with his year-round tan and very dark hair/features but he also is tall with an exceptionally good/muscular physique.

I have had several experiences where we have been enjoying drinks/dinner in a nice bar and girls have approached him whilst I have gone to the toilet. My DH is very hands-on affectionate with me and this does not stop in public, I have never seen him give any other females a second look when out and that's certainly not an insecurity of mine. He looks deeply uncomfortable when people approach him and tends to go red and can be quite rude. I have witnessed this for myself (on my way back from the toilet) or when one girl had a little bit of a tantrum and shouted (you didn't have to be so fucking rude) when I sat down.

I don't think that men objectively age better than women, but there are some signs of ageing, a certain cragginess, which are seen by us as a huge negative for women and neutral or even positive for men.

This is Tobias Menzies for example. Stone cold hotty IMO and his heavily lined face doesn't diminish that, but those lines would impact very differently on a woman's "marks out of ten".

@NaiceHamAndHugs

Remember the cruel fact of life though, and that is men age better than women. So where 20/30 years ago a couple might have been equally as “attractive”, all those years later sadly there might have come a point where things look much different thanks to the unfairness of the aging process.

Absolute misogynistic hogwash that women have been conditioned to believe.

No WAY do men age better than women. It's a load of old baloney, and an utter myth. Most women (say, over 45) who I know, are as attractive as their partner. (Some moreso!)

Basically, most people are pretty OK looking/normal/average, and may have acertain appealing feature (nice eyes, nice teeth and smile, nice hair, nice legs etc,) but for the most part, most people are just well... normal. I very rarely see drop dead gorgeous people. Just pretty, and fairly attractive, or just ordinary.

I do know of quite a number of women who seem to think their man is the bees knees though. I have known many a woman say their husband looks like Tom Hardy or David Beckham or Leo DiCaprio or Brendan Urie. In reality, they are just pigeon-chested, barely-average ordinary blokes who you wouldn't look twice at.

A woman I used to work with (some 10 years ago when I was in my mid 40s,) was 42 and had a boyfriend who was 27 (15 years younger.) She told everyone he looked like Heath Ledger, and banged on about how great he was in bed. 'Oooh sex is SO much better with a 20-something man' she would crow. 'It bloody lasts longer I tell ya! Don't be jell now.' (FFS as if anyone was 'jell.')

I said 'I KNOW what it's like to have sex with a '20-something' man.' She looked stunned, and said 'oooh really???' I said 'YES, me and my DH met in our early 20s, so I had sex with a '20-something' man quite frequently.' She frowned and said 'oh but it's so much better when you're in your 40s and they're in their 20s.' yawnnnnnnnn I just rolled my eyes. This bloke was a total cocklodger anyway, and everyone could see it except for her. And Heath Ledger? All the LOLs. He looked more like Leonard Rossiter.

I wonder if both of you are perhaps in your 40s and don't yet have experience of these young girls who feel that sex is an "expression" and monogamy is "boring". That they have a right to "act like men" and seek out what they desire in order to satisfy the needs that women are "so often punished" for having.

Honestly it's a different world than what I was used to when you had to sit back and wait for a man to approach you.

Attractiveness is so subjective. I have a friend who thinks her husband is stand out gorgeous. She really thinks he is jaw dropping and that everyone must want him. Personally, I don't see it. He is a decent, maybe slightly above average looking guy and he has a very charasmatic personality but I would say his personality has more to do with how people act around him than this looks.

I am glad though that both my friend and her husband feel like they somehow got this drop dead gorgeous spouse!

Yes I don’t think men actually age any “better”, they’re just allowed to actually look their age whereas woman aren’t

I have @Getoffmyshoes . Maybe not 40s but certainly when we were early 30s it was quite usual for women in their 20s to approach my DH and try to proposition him. However there were usually large quantities of alcohol involved. Objectively I would say that we are both average though neither of us has aged particularly well. I'm with @IncompleteSenten on this one - it's his personality that makes him attractive, not his looks. He is kind clever and funny and is really good at talking to people in the group to make sure that noone feels left out. He's also quite good at turning down implicit approaches tactfully. The overt approaches (particularly the ex colleague who told him "nonever is nice but you could do so much better. There's me for a start") get a much more direct fuck off.

Your post and the picture of that man proves one thing. We all have a different definition of what is attractive. That man in your photo is barely average IMO. 4.5 out of 10. There is nothing about him that I find appealing.

This happened to me a few times when I was younger, as in I was accused of flirting with someone’s husband who was about 20 years my senior merely because I wasn’t outrightly ignoring them. Bizarre

Yep- this has happened to me too, on more than one occasion. Particularly in my 20s. Older guy would say something, I'd respond back just being polite (as women are socialised to do in our culture) only to then get accused of flirting and coming on to the guy by his wife/girlfriend who suddenly appeared from nowhere lol

I agree with this. I also think we carry a lot of the confidence we have about our looks from when we were younger.

My XP had apparently been a bit of a looker back in the day, so still carried the confidence of the popular 16 year old he once was, despite being quite overweight, with thinning hair and dark eye bags.

I once said to him that he was an 8 (7 more accurate ) who thought he was a 9 and I was a 7 who thought I was a 6, so we were probably more well matched in reality than we were in our own minds. He even agreed, although he realised how it sounded and changed me to an 8

I thought he was a 10, which stacks up to the theory here!

I know a lot of couples where the husband is better looking. Weirdly it seems to be a thing with Headteachers.

I think on the whole make more of an effort in their 40’s and onwards whereas men look rubbish. The ones that carry on being bothered look good therefore.

People changing over time could be a factor. Society tells us that women age badly, lose their figures etc whereas me improve with age. That would mean in middle age many people might consider the man more attractive based on society standards.

I've had one boyfriend who I would have said was more attractive than me, but there wasn't a HUGE amount in it. He was, despite being chiselled like a Greek god also quite short, which means several women I know wouldn't look at him twice. Attraction is very subjective.

I imagine this thread will get pulled as it is a taat[is that the right initials].

I used to be quite naive on which threads are genuine.
I seem to be a much better judge nowadays.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I was beginning to think I was going mad. I mean I know my DH is handsome but he certainly isn't "one of a kind handsome"

Many years ago I took my wedding pics in to show the florist who'd arranged our flowers and she said "You'll have your work cut out hanging on to him!"
Right. What every young bride wants to hear. Any hoo, 35 years later still happy together and no reason/knowledge to think anything untoward has gone on. Value yourselves ladies!

I wonder this as well! In my entire life I’ve never ever seen a “young girl” approach a random 30/40 year old bloke and try to hit on them. In my experience it tends to be more along the lines of attractive young women making polite conversation and the wife assuming they’re trying to nab her Steve because he’s so irresistible.

While I don't understand it myself, every company I've worked at has had young grads/juniors (women) get involved with married (or sometimes single) senior managers and directors who are in their 40s. And rather plain looking. Also when I'm out and about in the City on a Friday night, the number of 20-something girls (normally from the suburbs or Essex) who rock up and go off with any trader who'll buy them a drink is remarkable. It's never even the 20/30 something lads they're interested in. I have 2 very attractive friends, both in relationships with men 20 years senior they met at 28/29. I really really don't get it but hey, they're happy.

I do remember my dad (who was in his 50s at the time) getting hit on my female neighbours everytime my mum was away, including one 30-something. I was amused, as he's my dad, but also he wasn't a patch on a the guys her own age. But good looking for a 50 something.

So yes, plenty of younger women will go for older, plainer men who have a bit of charisma and confidence.

😂

I think women age better, not men. Very few men are george clooney silver fox types but women still have their hair qnd still try to look good. So many men do nothing to help themselves look better

These descriptions are making me

Woman I was with in a fb group also kept going on about how she had to bat women away from her man, he looked like the Frog Prince. Before he transformed. But good for her I guess

YANBU but MN is weird about looks. In MNworld no one is attractive but they are all skinny. You get women who are apparently 5’2”, 13 stone and a size 8. I feel like I’ve gone through the looking glass sometimes

I think our expectations for men are much lower that by the time you get to 50 if a man still has hair on his head and doesn't have a beer belly he's considered 'hot'. 'Silver fox' is just a polite way of saying 'not bald'. Women have to work much harder to be considered 'attractive'.

But I do think it's nice that we all find our average looking spouses attractive as we age. It's almost like there is more to attractiveness than physical appearance.