AIBU to disbelieve posters who say they're ugly but their DH is very attractive?

[PeaceLurking9to5]

Yes, a thread about a thread so sorry about that, but not one intended to make any poster who feels bad about her looks feel worse, the total opposite.
When I read this statement fairly regularly I think no no no no no, you have elevated him and relegated yourself. He's not as good looking to the rest of the world as he is to you, and you're not as unattractive as you think you are, you're just running yourself down.

It is eye catchingly rare to see an extremely handsome man with an unattractive woman, so if you tell us that you're really unattractive but your DH is very attractive, I don't think you're being objective.

@CounsellorTroi au contraire. People are perfectly aware of how their partners look. That’s why they need to be so vocal about how hot they are and force people to agree.

Just like how the most lovey dovey SM couples tend to have the most problems. Show, not tell…

Yes, but on this thread there is the implication that women would only want someone in their 40s/50s for the contents of their wallet and it isn't true.

I don't think anyone said that every age gap relationship is about god digging, but it is fact that men in their 40s or 50s are not generally attractive to much younger women unless they've got something special to offer.

We all know that the aging/attractiveness is harder on women

We certainly don't all know that.

As many of us have said, it's much easier to find attractive middle aged women than men.

In terms of ageing, I don't think it can be truly said that men age better than women (despite the odd silver fox in a sea of soggy or whizened potatoes!).

After the recent death of the world's oldest person, Kane Tanaka, a woman aged 119, it was mentioned on one news report that Japan currently has 90,000 centenarians - and nine out of ten of them are women.

In terms of ageing, I don't think it can be truly said that men age better than women (despite the odd silver fox in a sea of soggy or whizened potatoes!)

I agree. I am absolutely cackling that posters seem to be claiming that they see hot, gorgeous Pierce Brosnan type 50+ men everywhere they go whilst the women all presumably look like the crypt keeper. Where on earth do these people live (apart from the town of Denial?). The late 40/early 50s and above men I see around and about in daily life mostly look bloated, with thinning hair, a stomach overhanging their jeans/trousers, moobs, ruddy/congested complexion and dressed like a geography teacher. Sure, you might meet the odd one who looks after themselves and is quite hot but these are as rare as hens teeth. Conversely, the women of that age I see often put quite a lot of effort into their appearance (eg. dressed well, nice blow dried hair, subtle makeup etc). Lots of my friends are now divorced and on dating apps and they despair of the 50+ men on dating apps who resemble shrek yet seem to think they "deserve" a hot 20 year old model type!

This!

I'm always baffled when someone trots out that men age better. On the whole, they definitely don't.

It's more 'acceptable' for them to age is about as far as it goes.

DH is much better looking than me. I'm definitely "unique" looking, he's built like a brick shithouse with the face of Chris Evans (Captain America, not ginger DJ).

So so true, the amount of really blah looking blokes on online dating wanting someone athletic, blonde etc makes me laugh! (and cry)

I can guarantee you, this is far from the norm, unless as already said, the men are rich and/or powerful. I'm 50s and the vast majority of ordinary men my age wouldn't have a chance of attracting me based on their looks, never mind a young woman. Conversely, I and my same age female friends are considered attractive by men of varying ages, and can be choosy. As a result, we are all dating significantly younger men.

I also think the bar for male attractiveness is very low. By the time they reach their middle years, merely having reasonable teeth and less than a 38" waist probably puts them into the top ten for their age group. And if they have a full head of hair? Well, form an orderly queue ladies, you don't often see this in your life time.
Women on the other hand, are not only expected to bring a lot more to the table looks wise, but as there are way more attractive ones about, the standard is higher.

@5128gap If MN introduced a vote system I would vote your post a hundred times! All men really need to do is maintain a reasonably good 'dad' bod, reasonable teeth and job done. Women on the other hand are being compared to their 20year old selves. Having said that I became more attractive as i grew older as I had more disposable income so could get my hair done, buy the products etc. Men pretty much just need to be decent.

In my experience most people end up with someone on a similar level of attractiveness and the ones who aren’t the more attractive partner has problems.

I agree that women certainly do age better than men, they simply put more effort in. Most men let themselves go. They are 50 years old and look it. I've seen posters on here claiming their 50 year old bloke looks half his age. Well my son is slightly younger than 25 and I can absolutely guarantee you that your 50 year old bloke does not look as youthful as my son. He will be fatter with less hair and more wrinkles for a start. He will not be as slim and toned with a flat stomach and 6 pack and his hair will be greying, if he isn't bald!
I also agree that plenty of women are deluded.
I knew a woman who claimed that women were falling over themselves to shag her last 2 boyfriends. The stories she came out with were quite fanciful. The first bloke was slightly less good looking than average. Just a big standard bald bloke who wore jeans and a t shirt all the time. The second was a fat, very unattractive man with terrible teeth that you could not stop looking at. I have no idea why she talked about them as if they were the double of a 25 year old Brad Pitt.

I also agree that plenty of women are deluded.

God I have one friend that thinks her DH is gorgeous, cool with an amazing style. He's a nice guy but none of those things!

Tbf to men though they don't have the makeup and treatments. Nor hair products accessories etc toupees and wig are a bit of a NoNo when they start going bald.
I'm in my 50's and there's no way on earth that I would ever fancy a 25 year old or 35 year old ever again. Ick!
I don't want a toned 25 year old thanks and plenty of men are already bald in their 20's.

I'm extremely happy with my attractive DH even if he is a bit thinning on top of his silver hair, a few wrinkles and no longer has a perfect six pack. I'm not deluded because I still fancy him.

I'm extremely happy with my attractive DH even if he is a bit thinning on top of his silver hair, a few wrinkles and no longer has a perfect six pack. I'm not deluded because I still fancy him

You arent deluded at all because you recognise that your DH has aged, you have a realistic view of him and you clearly love him.

We are referring here to women who claim that their aging, pot bellied, balding husbands are like human cat nip to 20 year olds and they are having to fight off young women who are apparently all over Dave from accounts whenever they go out and about. Whilst at the same time, denigrating their own appearance and calling themselves short, fat, ugly, hooked nose, beady eyes etc

Frankly, its a huge red flag to me- makes me think that Dave from accounts is gaslighting his wife and telling her she's ugly and unattractive and is "lucky" to have him whilst HE attempts to flirt with younger women in an effort to prop up his massive ego. I think that is the more likely explanation for these women hand wringing and saying their husbands are gorgeous whilst they are horrifically ugly.

I’m also very happy with mine. He’s slim with no double chin, and a flat stomach. Silver hair admittedly going a bit thin on top but I think he looks really distinguished in a suit or his DJ. He doesn’t have to fight off younger women though!

I know a couple of couples like that. Both of them met them through work and in both cases the woman is very outgoing and popular. They also both seem happy and the husband adores the wife. But both of the guys are the pretty humble sort, so maybe not impressed by superficial characteristics like looks?

Do you think it's because Hollywood/the media show so many images of the (well preserved) older man/gorgeous young woman trope that we're fooled into believing it?

Mumsnet posters have an obsession with men's hair.😂😂

I'm always baffled when someone trots out that men age better. On the whole, they definitely don't.

It's BS

Yes - society reacts better to men ageing, that's all it is. They are allowed to look older.

In general I agree, far rarer for attractive men to have plain partners, but it does happen. In my family I can think of 2 couples where the man is more attractive.

Personally I was definitely the more attractive one in my 20s, but time (mainly weight) has not been kind to me and now I think we are more evenly matched, possibly DH the slightly more attractive. But I loved, and love, him so the older I got the less looks seemed to matter. Perhaps others feel that way too?

A great haircut on a man is an absolute game changer and can elevate a man's appearance by several levels, and make him look much younger. Men are sensitive around it, so women, being women, tend to be kind and reassuring and tell them they find baldness equally attractive. But in truth I'd imagine a lot of women would prefer a man with hair. Just like a lot of men might prefer certain female traits. But we make do.

I agree with that.

If baldness were a trait which almost exclusively effected women, rather than the other way round, there would be very little pretense that losing your hair has no effect on your attractiveness. Bald women would almost always use hairpieces, and certainly no woman in public life would 'let' herself go bald.

However, because baldness is almost always a male thing, we have to pretend that it doesn't matter. Obviously looks aren't everything and we all get older, but the vast majority of men look better with hair.

Many experiments have unanimously confirmed that men with hair are far more attractive to women than bald men.
They use the same man in the experiment to avoid bias.
I agree that if baldness affected women, there would be huge pressure on women to do something about it.
I’m all for wearing what you like and being you but I do object to men who prefer their partner to remain slim, wear make up, dye their hair, wear heels etc etc whilst making almost zero effort themselves.