AIBU to disbelieve posters who say they're ugly but their DH is very attractive?

[PeaceLurking9to5]

Yes, a thread about a thread so sorry about that, but not one intended to make any poster who feels bad about her looks feel worse, the total opposite.
When I read this statement fairly regularly I think no no no no no, you have elevated him and relegated yourself. He's not as good looking to the rest of the world as he is to you, and you're not as unattractive as you think you are, you're just running yourself down.

It is eye catchingly rare to see an extremely handsome man with an unattractive woman, so if you tell us that you're really unattractive but your DH is very attractive, I don't think you're being objective.

I’m less attractive than my husband I think. It wasn’t the case when we met, but having two children (still young and not sleeping brilliantly) has done nothing for my appearance.

I only know one woman who goes for older men. She’s in her early 30s. She’s very attractive but has shockingly low self-esteem so likes the ego boost of being a trophy for a much older man. She’s also never got very far in her career and wants a meal ticket.

And yes, in many cases it is "he could easily be with a hot young model instead, and no one would bat an eyelid"

I have never in my life met a man in his 40s or 50s who fits this description. Not one. I doubt you have either.

vs "she probably will need to pay extra attention to her retired dad's golf buddies, if she doesn't want to die alone".

Strange logic here. Why would she want someone a generation older "if she doesn't want to die alone"? Makes no sense, other than to reveal your rather outdated attitudes.

And as I said, I find that younger women are much less materialistic now as to what the man does for the living and whether he's rich or not, as they have their own earning power. Which is a good thing, I think.

Exactly.

They can have hot young men their own age. They don't need old dudes.

That's why the internet is heaving with blokes in their 50s looking for young women. And the young women are laughing at them. All these hotties in their 50s are mostly a figment of your imagination.

Recently I was in the library and an older woman (late 70s at a guess) was paying for something and her purse was open. I could just catch at the top was a photograph but couldn’t see any details.

Suddenly the lady who volunteered there (in her late 60s) said in a very dramatic way “oh my goodness! Was that your husband?!! He was such a looker! Wow he was so handsome! I bet all the ladies were fighting you over him!”
The woman just replied “yes that’s my husband he passed in 98”

Then the woman working there repeated herself “wow I would have been all over him! I can certainly see why he appealed to you!” Etc etc.
Im not exaggerating she didn’t stop! The woman with the photo didn’t say anything else she just nodded!
She asked to see the photo 3 times. It was so bizarre!

@Gagaandgag This is very similar to the reaction I had with my ex-husband. Everyone was always commenting on how good-looking he was. I was just thinking they were welcome to try living with him 😆

I can't quite understand why you decided to choose such aggressive tone. We all have different experiences in life, and the purpose of the forum is to share them? I personally have never been attracted to a man younger than ~45, not when I was 18, not now, 20 years later. Just a sexual preference. Have met many very attractive men in that category, and most of my female friends seem to be in (very happy) relationships with 15+ age gaps too. It is quite common, from my perspective. Not quite sure what you are trying to gain by trying to explain my own experience to me.

Been with DP for 10 years, people always joke that he's punching, when we first got together and he'd take me to meet friends and family they would be genuinely suprised that he'd managed to 'bag' me.

I'm nothing special either, wouldn't say i'm ugly but no way a head turner. But what all these people failed to recognise is what a genuine, loving, loyal man DP is, that in itself makes him very attractive to me.

He's gained weight over the years and i've stayed the same, even after DC, but none of that matters.

He is my safe place and my home, there's no one else i'd rather do this with (except Ryan Reynolds)

I personally have never been attracted to a man younger than ~45, not when I was 18, not now, 20 years later. Just a sexual preference.

So when you were a teenager, you were exclusively attracted to men over the age of 45?

You've never considered a man attractive unless he was at least in his mid 40s?

Each to their own, but I'd say that's a highly unusual preference.

Have met many very attractive men in that category, and most of my female friends seem to be in (very happy) relationships with 15+ age gaps too. It is quite common, from my perspective.

As I said above, on MN people always seem to know couples with massive age gaps. Of course the woman is younger, and of course, she is actually the more mature of the two and the relationships are always highly successful and a partnership of equals.

Statistically however, as again I've said above, relationships with a 15 year age gap are very rare. Not common at all.

Not quite sure what you are trying to gain by trying to explain my own experience to me.

Why are you making this about your 'experience'?

As I've said, I'm talking about statistics, which make it clear that young men aren't looking to shack up with blokes in their 50s. They just aren't.

@IcedPurple

As I've said, I'm talking about statistics, which make it clear that young men aren't looking to shack up with blokes in their 50s. They just aren't.

Do you mean young women?

Yes, typo!

Probably applies to young men too however!

You'd think when mumsnet decided to force this big bastard update/new site upon us, they'd have had the decency to furnish us with a bloody edit button!!! Even if they only allowed us 60 seconds to correct typos! 😝

I'm also attracted to older men and have been madly in love with men 12-15 years older than me on two separate occasions. I can definitely see the appeal of an older man. My husband was only a year older than me. Maybe that's why it didn't work out 😜

I have also been a witness (actually literally at the wedding) of a male colleague who was at best average looking, but a really nice guy and his wife was absolutely stunning- unbelievably so! They were both in their 20's, but she looked like an actress from the movies with a bubbly personality to match and he was really really average - quite short, receding hairline even in his 20's and just an averagely nice guy. The wedding guests (and colleagues at work) were constantly talking about how he was "punching". So it can happen both ways.

Amen to this!

So when you were a teenager, you were exclusively attracted to men over the age of 45?
Pretty much, yes. Well, I did not check their birth certificates for the exact age before feeling attracted, just as a rough guess. Now, that I am older too, it is probably more 55+.

I mention my own experience only because the whole thread insists it never happens. And no, I wasn't exceptionally mature or wise for my age. Quite the opposite - way too easygoing and lighthearted, and still am.

I can't see why you again appeal to statistics and the law of averages when the thread is about an outlier situation in the first place (i.e. a couple where the man is much more attractive than a woman, which I think all participants, no matter what their position is, agree is rare).

Thank you! 😊

I've known a few couples like this - the husband is rather good looking and the wife a bit more plain but still a lovely person and of course attraction is more than just looks!

I remember one couple I knew went out for dinner and the guy told me afterwards that the waiter said to his wife "Your husband is the most beautiful man I've ever seen, I'd like to paint him!" 😆He totally fancied himself as well, she was more down to earth.

Feeling a bit sorry for Dave from accounts

I've never thought any man was too good-looking for me.

I really like myself.

When I met my husband.

Me now.

Him now.

I think in general women do age better than men.

They simply do.

And live longer.

Aw what lovely pics- You're both very good looking! You have a similar shaped face and features which is often the case when you compare long term couples- as shown by psychological studies

You are right @waveparticleduality, you're a good looking woman to quote joe dolan. You were, you are, you will be!

I mention my own experience only because the whole thread insists it never happens.

I don't think anybody said that it never happens.

I was taking issue with your claim that "in many cases it is "he could easily be with a hot young model instead, and no one would bat an eyelid".

So while there may be a minority of women who, for whatever reason, prefer older men, there are vanishingly few men in their 40s or 50s who could be with a 'hot young model' due to their being so incredibly attractive. Even on the rare occasion when a middle aged man is much better looking than his wife, very few young women will want him.

An ex-colleague of mine said that she thought her husband was god's gift.
To me, he looks like a genetically inferior version of Stephen Merchant.

The idea that men age better than women is really weird. For every silver fox who keeps himself in shape there are hundreds of balding, pot-bellied men who seem to have stopped trying to even dress well. Of the good-looking 20yos now approaching 40 that I see on social media, most of them look at least 10 years older.

I think a lot of middle-aged women equate "not looking young any more" with "looking ugly". Not true! The best-looking women in their 40s and older that I know embrace the fact that they don't look young and pull off a different but equally striking sort of look than they did 20 years ago.

As for the subject of the thread... I think unusually attractive people, at the "strangers comment on it" level of hotness that the OP describes, tend to make their partners look plain just like they make everyone they stand next to look plainer. I've always had the impression that one of the most ridiculously good-looking men I know had a thing for bland, mousy types - but I met one of his exes years after they split and realised she only looked mousy next to him and she had always bee decent-looking. Similarly when a friend of mine with model looks, height, hair and comportment got married, there were so many comments about how her husband was punching. He's very short (especially next to her) but is basically just normal-looking, nothing hideous.

And ultimately "conventionally attractive" is just a bit of a red herring. Just because someone has features currently prized by society (in terms of their ability to sell product, usually...) doesn't mean any given person will be sexually attracted to them. Plenty of men deemed sex symbols leave me cold.

My DP is conventionally attractive and has remained so over the years. I'm not, in the sense that I'm mixed race (a lot of ethnicities in there) and look "unique" I guess - certainly growing up when blonde whiteness was deemed the height of female hotness, that made me think I wasn't attractive. I think a 20yo me in the current climate would fare much better. I now think I'm hot shit, of course - whether men agree has tended to be somewhat random over the years.

From your photos I would agree, that he's aging, he had a cheeky handsome look when he was younger.

Going back to the op, when I hit the dating apps at 44, I only really ever dated women below 40, the youngest was 28. DP was 34 when I met her. There are 12 yrs between us.
It's always been like that, my ex-wife was 8 yrs younger. Tbh I don't know many men with younger women, most seem to be in the same age bracket.
One thing I did and do notice is for an older man especially, if your athletic/MMA body type then in my age group over 40's you'll be better physically than 99% of men in that age group.
A group of women at a spa commented that all the men were fat, I noticed even some of the younger guys in their 20s with zero musculature are intimidated by athletic, muscular men. If you are in good nick everyone comments both men and women.
There was one guy in his 20 yrs atypical love island looks, body to match, with the style, very attractive modelesque girlfriend, he stopped to gawp at DP. Typical youthful swagger.😂

However, I'm 100% sure there's more to attraction than a decent pair of arms and a flat stomach. Some women like older men because they have their shit together, plus my DP said my arms make her go weak.😂