AIBU to disbelieve posters who say they're ugly but their DH is very attractive?

[PeaceLurking9to5]

Yes, a thread about a thread so sorry about that, but not one intended to make any poster who feels bad about her looks feel worse, the total opposite.
When I read this statement fairly regularly I think no no no no no, you have elevated him and relegated yourself. He's not as good looking to the rest of the world as he is to you, and you're not as unattractive as you think you are, you're just running yourself down.

It is eye catchingly rare to see an extremely handsome man with an unattractive woman, so if you tell us that you're really unattractive but your DH is very attractive, I don't think you're being objective.

@forinborin

I know quite a few (attractive) men who fit your description who have much younger partners. I think this is what usually meant by "my husband is much more attractive than me". Not that he outranks his wife on some objective age-adjusted scale, but that he could easily upgrade to a much younger / more attractive woman (by "upgrade", I mean a very shallow definition of appearance only, of course).

@IcedPurple

You know lots of shop assistants and admin workers in their 40s and 50s who have much younger partners?

Really?

Everyone on MN seems to know 'lots' of older men who have hot young women after them, but statistically, this is very rare. The majority of men and women are in relationships with people within a fairly close age range.

The idea that most middle aged blokes "could easily upgrade to a much younger / more attractive woman" isn't borne out by reality.

100% agree @IcedPurple The vast majority of couples are close in age, and as has been said by quite a few posters now, the amount of young women (under 30) going for men old enough to be their father is vanishingly small. As @pixie5121 said many people are delusional/fantasising/lying.

Every single ordinary normal regular man I know over 40 has a wife or partner the same age within 3-4 years. And the women are as attractive, if not more attractive.

And as I said earlier, I am getting bored now with the 'I am just a fat, ugly minger with a bent nose, beady eyes, and dumpy legs, and I don't know what he sees in me' comments. The self-deprecation is becoming tedious now.

I did feel (when this thread started,) a little bit sorry for women who felt they were not as attractive as their partner, but the constant self deprecation from some posters is just a bit boring now tbh. I don't believe for a second that any of these women are anywhere near as bad as they're making out.

I agree with a pp who said all these women who are saying 'my partner is sooooo much better looking than me' are actually being quite braggy, as what they're saying is he still chose ME! Bit naff really.

Yeah this. ^^ That poster was probably very immature in her 20s and saw this dude as a 'mature wise owl' and he very likely took advantage of the infatuation she had with him. I have a suspicion why she was infatuated with him, but won't say on here.

And while I'm not necessarily saying it's true for this poster, I think a lot of the women who go for older men like to think they are just way too 'mature' and 'sophisticated' for men their own age.

You read it quite a bit in discussions here. 'Oh, I find men my own age so childish. I much prefer the sophistication and wisdom of a mature man'. Chances are, these men have no special wisdom or sophistication. Nor are they interested in women half their age for intellectual conversation and a meeting of the minds. Even if it suits both parties to believe so.

@pixie5121

Or perhaps they've been conditioned to think that by their partners? That they're lucky to have been chosen by such a handsome man?

Hmm possibly... With some of them.

I think some of them are just a bit braggy though. And look nothing like the troll in the dungeon they're making themselves out to be.

Better looking men in couples is hardly that uncommon, particularly with the fitness explosion of the last decade (my gym is 9:1 men) and obviously that they’re not the ones who have to bear children.

I’m too old and settled to care either way but I’m glad they’re making more of an effort.

@IcedPurple

And while I'm not necessarily saying it's true for this poster, I think a lot of the women who go for older men like to think they are just way too 'mature' and 'sophisticated' for men their own age.

You read it quite a bit in discussions here. 'Oh, I find men my own age so childish. I much prefer the sophistication and wisdom of a mature man'. Chances are, these men have no special wisdom or sophistication. Nor are they interested in women half their age for intellectual conversation and a meeting of the minds. Even if it suits both parties to believe so.

Yeah good points........

You are definitely wrong.

When I was younger and dating, as an extremely plain, bordering on ugly, woman, as well as morbidly obese (size 20-24 and only 5ft 3) I've had three extremely good looking long-term boyfriends, by which I mean very handsome faces as well as ideal, slim, fit bodies.

It's rare, and I was pretty amazed they wanted to be with me, BUT I am living proof that it can happen.

Funny that, because in my DD's gym, it's pretty much 50-50 male/female.

Liking overweight women seems to be a bit of a fetish and seems to be pretty much be an exclusively male one. I've never heard of a female 'chubby chaser' but I've known a handful of normal sized guys who go for fat women.

After about half 7 at my gym it’s almost exclusively men just doing free weights. And it’s not a small indie gym either.

ANOTHER extremely plain/bordering on ugly woman who managed to hook a super fit handsome man............ And THIS woman is morbidly obese too. 🥱

There's a lot of this on here isn't there? So many supposedly awful looking women (and always fat and nearly always round and short,) seem to get amazing looking men....... Gorgeous, fit, perfect men.

Never see this in real life.

Again, parallel universe of mumsnet.

But we're not discussing "most" middle aged blokes, but specifically the situation where the man is unusually attractive, to the extent that strangers notice this and even comment? Yes, I do observe that these attractive men have no big difficulties in getting together with young attractive women at any age, whether they are rich or not. And, unfortunately, they often do leave their partners due to simple supply and demand laws, and that is why there are so few obviously mismatched couples where the man is more attractive.

None of my friends ever pursued an older man. Two of my friends are married to men 7 years older and when they got married (30 ish) we all thought 7 years was an age gap. So it's not common for 20 somethings to be out pursuing men 2 decades older. Maybe if your own father was 40+ when you were born. I have a friend who although married to a man her own age, said she would have dated an older man but her father was soo much older than her mother. My parents were kids when they had me.... I have NEVER gone for the older man. Even now, at 52. My last bf was 6 years younger. I never thought of him as a younger man at all. Nor did he.

Not sure if it’s the thread you’re referring to but there was one the other day where she said she was a size ten, b cup boobs with a perky bum and she just couldn’t fathom how her beautiful Dh could find her attractive 🤔 it’s depressing really. Yeah think women are taught to be so hyper critical of themselves when in reality I don’t think I’ve ever seen a couple where the man was better looking!

A huge difference in looks is very common

Just look at the vast majority of footballers. Peter Crouch is a perfect example

But we're not discussing "most" middle aged blokes, but specifically the situation where the man is unusually attractive, to the extent that strangers notice this and even comment?

If 'strangers notice this and even comment' then by definition it's a highly unusual situation.

Yes, I do observe that these attractive men have no big difficulties in getting together with young attractive women at any age, whether they are rich or not.

You're making it sound as if you know lots such men. Frankly, I doubt it.

There are extremely few men in their 40s or 50s who can attract much younger women simply by their devastating good looks. Even if a man manages to preserve his looks into middle age, he won't be as attractive as he was when he was younger. Unless he's got something else going for him, such such as wealth or status, and maybe not even then, he's not going to get a much younger woman. The statistics are clear on this.

And, unfortunately, they often do leave their partners due to simple supply and demand laws

There is no great demand for middle aged men, but there is almost endless supply.

Any young woman can go onto a dating site and have her pick of ''attractive' men in their 40s or 50s. I'm laughing a bit at your notion that middle aged blokes who work in supermarkets or offices can have their pick of hot young women simply due to sheer physical appeal. It's funny.

Share your theory, I'm interested.

It was VERY out of character for me actually. I have no daddy issues, in fact, my ExH and DH are both a little younger than me and have always been confident in who I am.

He was not married (divorced) and had no children. It was and is who he is that's attractive. I know what you're saying about me being immature and liking his knowledge and wider view of the world. Part of that is true, but I still love that about him: at 70 he's still his clever, funny, witty self. He's been a brilliant mate and been there for me through 3 kids, 2 husbands and a pretty adventurous life. I also really like his wife of almost 20 years.

I'm incredibly happy in my personal life- I have the best DH- it was just a moment in time which didn't have a huge amount of reason or logic behind it.

Yeah I wonder what on earth his tall beautiful blonde wife sees in the multi-millionaire professional, premier-league footballer? 🙄

That's not always true. Women in my family age very well and my mother looks quite a bit younger than my dad when she is in fact a few years older. Many other women in my family have aged similarly well. I haven't known enough couple from their 40s through to their 60s to determine if my family is weird but it certainly doesn't have to be that way.

When I was in my twenties I didn't find older men remotely attractive. I thought thirty was pushing it! I'm not sure what this much-vaunted middle-aged self-confidence in men is either. As a now middle-aged woman myself, I'd say it's just pomposity.

Also a bit bemused at people thinking men age better. Different people age differently but it doesn't seem to particularly go along sex lines. Men are certainly forgiven the signs of ageing more readily but that's just misogyny.

I wouldn't say that the situation of top Premier League footballers is 'very common'.

Most of them earn multiples in a single week than balding 45 year old Dave in Accounts earns in a year, for starters.

@IcedPurple I agree with every word you say. @forinborin and several other posters like her are utterly delusional, OR they are living on a different planet.

This. ^ I LOLd at the post by @theshavenraven Peter Crouch is a multi millionaire premier league footballer FFS! Have you even been arsed to read ANY of the thread @theshavenraven ?

I'm also amazed at all the hideously ugly, morbidly obese women who manage to attract stunners. I had a period of about 18 months when I put on huge amounts of weight due a medication and I attracted no cunt.

I obviously have a rancid personality

Any young woman can go onto a dating site and have her pick of ''attractive' men in their 40s or 50s. I'm laughing a bit at your notion that middle aged blokes who work in supermarkets or offices can have their pick of hot young women simply due to sheer physical appeal. It's funny.

That is not what I said at all. I said that when people tend to think that the man is significantly more attractive than the woman in the couple, in most cases they do it via an opportunity cost analysis, i.e. who these people could match with if not with each other. And yes, in many cases it is "he could easily be with a hot young model instead, and no one would bat an eyelid" vs "she probably will need to pay extra attention to her retired dad's golf buddies, if she doesn't want to die alone". Irrespective of where the couple work, office or supermarket.

And as I said, I find that younger women are much less materialistic now as to what the man does for the living and whether he's rich or not, as they have their own earning power. Which is a good thing, I think.