AIBU to disbelieve posters who say they're ugly but their DH is very attractive?

[PeaceLurking9to5]

Yes, a thread about a thread so sorry about that, but not one intended to make any poster who feels bad about her looks feel worse, the total opposite.
When I read this statement fairly regularly I think no no no no no, you have elevated him and relegated yourself. He's not as good looking to the rest of the world as he is to you, and you're not as unattractive as you think you are, you're just running yourself down.

It is eye catchingly rare to see an extremely handsome man with an unattractive woman, so if you tell us that you're really unattractive but your DH is very attractive, I don't think you're being objective.

Bragging about your partner's looks is very strange to me - you're setting them up for failiure in the eyes of others if they ever meet them.

(I don't think men or women age better than the other, it's really just down to who still bothers to maintain their appearence after a while.)

I married an older man. He was 39 and I was 28 when we met. But I never “pursued “ older men. I’d dated men my own age previously. I just knew I really liked him and his age didn’t come into it. We’ve been happily married for 32 years. He still looks god for his age- slim, no beer belly or double chin, full head of hair. I give him a reason to take care of himself.

I know a few couples where he is objectively more attractive than she is. In one case he has aged really well and in all the other cases (plus the aged well one), she is a more engaging/dynamic person and he’s a bit quieter so you can see the dynamic works well for them. They all seem really happy tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I wonder if this is linked to age. I'm early 30s I don't know a single couple where the man is more attractive - usually it's the other way round.

@SleeplessInEngland

Bragging about your partner's looks is very strange to me - you're setting them up for failure in the eyes of others if they ever meet them.

Exactly this. My DH worked with a man some years ago (DH was 35-ish and the other man was about 30.) This man claimed his wife was drop dead gorgeous and he was lucky to have her. He claimed she looked like Demi Moore with a short pixie cut, and was tall and slender..

When DH and I saw her, she legit looked like Shelly Duvall when she played Olive from Popeye. He GENUINELY believed she was smoking hot and every man would fancy her.

DH and I struggled to keep a straight face. I know that sounds a bit mean, but if this man hadn't made out she looked like a beautiful Hollywood star, we would not have batted an eyelid when we saw her.

This is not the only example. Another bloke my DH used to work with said he is dating 'Mandy' in IT, and all the men fancy her as she is the best looking woman in the building. DH saw her and she was plain and dull and mousy, and was dressed all in grey. She looked like Alan Partridge's secretary. No-one would have ever looked twice at her.

Then, as I have mentioned before, there are the cases of the women I have known who big-up their DH/partner, and assume every woman is going to fancy them. Back in the early noughties, one woman at work, told me several times that her partner was so hot, and a dead ringer for Brad Pitt.

I met him, and he had a round face, piggy eyes, and short legs, and was balding. She said 'see, hmm?' ‘He is quite something isn’t he? I told you he was gorgeous didn’t I?’ I said ‘well he’s not my type, as I only find my OWN partner appealing, but I am glad you are happy with him.’

She laughed and said ‘come onnn! You have to admit he’s gorgeous!’ She seriously refused to believe me when I said I didn’t find him appealing/didn’t fancy him. It was so bizarre. She would NOT accept that I didn’t fancy him. For a start, I had/have my OWN lovely husband, and also, he was minging (IMO.) Such odd, peculiar behaviour!

Some people REALLY have an over inflated sense of how attractive their partner is (AND how attractive they are themselves!) And are stunned into silence when most people don't agree.

I think all of this is very sweet, shows there is no accounting for taste and that very few people are objectively, undeniably good looking, but that most people are good looking to someone.

My ideal man is Phil Mitchell. My type isn't what most women would choose. So it is subjective. However the couple's that I know were a very attractive man has gone for a much less attractive/obese woman, he wants a lesser earning, not very confident partner, who he thinks won't cheat. But he's happy to play away.

I think you might be on to something here. Some very good looking men prefer a plainer partner who they think won’t steal the limelight off them.

The ladies eulogise their partners, when they get emotionally attached. So that's not surprising.

I've seen plenty of conventionally good looking men with less attractive women and vice versa. Whether they're married and serious long term relationships is another question...

The idea that men age better than women is really weird. For every silver fox who keeps himself in shape there are hundreds of balding, pot-bellied men who seem to have stopped trying to even dress well.

Yeah, the stereotype is that women 'let themselves go' once they reach a certain age, but in my experience that's much more likely to be true of men. I guess part of is that men tend to buy into the myth that they 'age like a fine wine'. And part of is is because women tend to take much better care of their skin and appearance in general. That's not so important when you're young, but once you hit 40 or so, it really starts to show.

I honestly can't think of the last time I saw a middle aged man in 'real life' and found him attractive. Not saying he had to look like Rob Lowe or anything, but even half way decent looking. Yet I see attractive, stylish women in their 40s and older all the time.

Have you ever read Take A Break?? Loads of women describing meeting up with a really handsome guy- they then show a pic of the couple and the bloke is balding, huge beer gut, bad skin, poorly dressed I guess attractiveness truly is in the eye of the beholder many men though might want to think on when their still attractive wife isn't interested in sex. I'm sorry but much as these guys may be good husbands and nice blokes-- I do think a lot of blokes 45 plus simply don't look after themselves and their wife probably doesn't really fancy them sexually anymore.

It's ages since I read TAB or similar (so might have changed since), but from memory the women usually used to say something like the bloke had 'a sexy smile' or 'gorgeous brown eyes' etc.- i.e. zoning in on the man's best feature rather saying he was generally handsome ... and, I'm afraid that's simply what you have to do if you're female and your looks are the wrong side of average. You can't usually attract people who are at a different level of overall attractiveness, so you focus on their best bits.

OMG those 'Take-A-Break' magazine stories are hilarious! Ditto 'That's Life' magazine. These women talk about the time they met 'Darren,' who was 'rugged and handsome' with a twinkle in his eye and a 'sexy shaved head.' LOL, these men almost ALWAYS have a 'sexy shaved head!' 🤣

Each to their own, but I find a 'shaved head,' on a man, about as sexy and appealing and drinking sprout juice for breakfast.

But yeah, you're right that these women in these magazines act like their man is a bloody David Beckham lookalike, and yet they're often gangly, pigeon-chested, and balding, with bad skin, awful dress sense, and rank teeth.

Also worth noting that the thrust of many TAB stories is some mildly novel form of infidelity by the balding, beer-gutted bloke, such as he and his mistress got together at the couple's wedding, or had their 'trysts' in an ice-cream van or a bin lorry etc. so clearly however much you might look at the photo and wonder how anyone could want the bloke, they still managed to have women fighting over them.

'I find a shaved head on a man, as sexy and appealing AS drinking sprout juice!!!'

FFS mumsnet. Edit button PLEASE!

@MurmuratingStarling

Back in the early noughties, one woman at work, told me several times that her partner was so hot, and a dead ringer for Brad Pitt.

I met him, and he had a round face, piggy eyes, and short legs, and was balding. She said 'see, hmm?' ‘He is quite something isn’t he? I told you he was gorgeous didn’t I?’ I said ‘well he’s not my type, as I only find my OWN partner appealing, but I am glad you are happy with him.’

She laughed and said ‘come onnn! You have to admit he’s gorgeous!’ She seriously refused to believe me when I said I didn’t find him appealing/didn’t fancy him. It was so bizarre. She would NOT accept that I didn’t fancy him. For a start, I had/have my OWN lovely husband, and also, he was minging (IMO.) Such odd, peculiar behaviour!

@CounsellorTroi

I think all of this is very sweet, shows there is no accounting for taste and that very few people are objectively, undeniably good looking, but that most people are good looking to someone.

I don't think there's anything remotely 'sweet' about a deluded woman who thinks her partner is utterly gorgeous, and refuses to believe other women don't fancy him, and calls them liars when they say they don't fancy him.. Especially if the woman/women in question are in a relationship with another man. It's like 'fuck me, how rude and deluded and presumptuous are YOU to presume all women fancy YOUR partner. Even those women in relationships?!'

'Oooooh ... I am married and have children with my husband, but YOUR man is sooooo GORGEOUS, and so much more handsome and fanciable than MY man that I can't stop thinking about YOUR man!!! Oooh he is handsome!!'

Do these women really think that other women fancy their men more than they fancy their own?!!! LOL deluded much?!

I was actually annoyed and quite insulted that this woman at work assumed/suggested that I fancied her partner, when I am married, and perfectly happy with my own husband! (Who was/is much better looking than HER partner by the way!)

I know two couples where the man is objectively very handsome. Of course not everyone might find them attractive ( I don't ) but the men are both tall, fit, clean cut, broad shouldered.with even features, great hair and striking eyes in one case but their wives are definitely much less attractive in an objective sense. So I think YABU

I know one couple where the husband is much better looking than the wife and it's always been the case (eg no ones let themselves go). It is always commented on by people as it's really quite obvious (obvs not to their faces) I do think he's a bit of a gold digger though. He has been unfaithful a number of times. Generally I think most couples are very evenly matched though .

I only know of one woman who consistently goes for much older men and she admits she has "daddy issues" because her father abandoned her at a young age and she told me she feels she is constantly looking for a father type figure in a partner. Statistically speaking, age gap relationships are not common: "Research indicates that heterosexual couples tend to differ in age by about three years and men tend to be older (Buss, 1989; Conroy-Beam, 2019)".

Therefore, the idea that the world is full of 50 year old men who are fighting off 20 year olds with a stick is simply not true. Of COURSE you will always find the occasional couple with an age gap but it is not the norm at all and you will always find outliers for any research. Now, when these older guys have loads of money, their perceived "attractiveness" goes up which is kind of obvious because they cannot bring good looks/youth to the table, but they can bring wealth and resources which makes some women feel secure.

Research also shows that most couples are similarly rated in attractiveness which is probably why you take notice of it and remember when you see a very mis-matched couple purely because its highly UNUSUAL. You tend to forget the hundreds and thousands of similarly attractive couples you meet or see out and about because its so common and what you expect to see, therefore you dont take any notice of it. Thats why people are remembering specific couples who were mismatched because it IS so very rare.

44 year old, when the film was made

photos.com/featured/paul-newman-as-butch-cassidy-bettmann.html

OK, because Paul Newman Hollywood star and therefor a bit of an outlier, but surely no one is going to be daft enough to say he wasn't good looking, because 40s? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but there is occasionally objective gorgeousness

*therefore

I wouldn't say a legendary film star famous for his extreme beauty is a 'bit of an outlier'.

Yes, but on this thread there is the implication that women would only want someone in their 40s/50s for the contents of their wallet and it isn't true.

We all know that the aging/attractiveness is harder on women, it is unfair, I think it is probably to do with a very deep seated thing about fertility (as well as shallowness in many cases) I don't know if we will ever overcome that to see the beauty in all ages, TBH, but there are undoubtedly many people of both sexes who beyond the first flush of youth will certainly attract others. I think humour and a sense of who you are and what you want helps, not so much soft focus selfies, in the long run, at all ages of life.

Paul Newman was possibly not a good example but the fact he was known to be funny, generous and smart eclipsed and outlived that pretty, pretty face.

“Men don’t age better than women, they’re just allowed to age.” - Carrie Fisher