MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

Yes, but the DD is doing ALL the roles. It would absolutely make sense if one person laid the table, another tidied up, another sorted desserts etc. These are all thing that can happen at different time. Even in restaurants you often get different servers doing different things - one takes the order, another serves, another tidies up etc.

But should it always be that same 'someone'? Reminds me of a flatmate at uni, who did the wide-eyed 'but you make the best tea I couldn't make you yours how you like it' oh someone has to do it, odds are never the person who says this!

Your dh needs to stand up to his mum and say something !! I wouldn't put up with this at all.

Your dd hasn’t been assigned this role for the past 18 years. Who did it before?

None of the selfish family,the mil would have done it herself as she was in her 60s those earlier years

@picklemewalnuts You truly don't think it's that bad that one girl out of all the female and male cousins is made to serve?

And you clearly haven't read the OP's posts, it isn't OP making a fuss, the girl doesn't like it so much that she now refuses to go there. What do you not understand about this? This girl is being made a servant and she DOESN'T LIKE IT.

The OP's posts are very clear. Her words are very clear. That is the girl does the work. And I've said that her son should be doing the cooking and helping, so I did address the MIL doing all the cooking and hosting.

And considering the MIL has a mouth that orders the young girl to do the serving, she can certainly use that same mouth to order the men to do the cooking and/or serving.

My DD is 18-she will be off to university soon and won’t be at most of the dinners we go to with family. Is yours planning on going away-it’s not unusual for 18 year olds to have their own lives and stop attending things like this. Who will fish the dinner up then? Who used to do it before ?

I think I'm just envisaging a different scenario. It's fine for the DD to decide not to go. Maybe they could visit in a smaller group.

We take the food to my in laws', as they are getting on a bit. I do the prep, my sons do the running around. DH chats to his parents, and his brother gets a rest as he looks after the ILs the rest of the time.

I think while MiL is actively hosting, I'd fall in with her way of doing things. Would I judge anyone who was idle? Yes I would. Would I think it a terrible imposition for a fit youngster to do most of the helping? Not really.

In fact, I think I see it as MiL sharing the important role of hosting with her GD rather than using her as a servant.
Perhaps coloured by my preference to be helping out rather than having to make polite conversation. 'You'll always find me in the kitchen at parties'.

Maybe you and your husband should help daughter to set up the table, and tidy away. Ask if the cousins could do it next time, and take turns that way. If mil is adamant it has to solely be your daughter, then that's just werid. I'd tell her to stop at home, and explain to mil why she didn't fancy coming.

I’ve noticed an increased tendency on these message boards over the past several years to demonise the older generation. I think it’s insidious and part of a wider plan to divide and destabilise society.

OP, if you are real, shame on you for allowing your 85 year old mother in law to clean and cook for you - you should be ashamed. If you have a shred of decency, help your daughter to carry the plates to the table and clear away after the meal, but don’t sit there and expect your mother in law to do it. She’s 85.

Highly patronising post

You have no idea re the capabilities and indeed preference of this woman. You have just seen her she and assumed she needs help and should the the one cooking and cleaning.

Whilst it isn’t “demonising”, it is not much of an improvement

So, you think OP should help, but is there any particular reason why you didn't suggest OP's DH should? He is the MIL's son, after all.🤔

Also, don't you think the OP's MIL is exercising a subtle ageism here (as well as making what I consider to be gendered demands) by piling everything on to a younger family member's shoulders?

(For the record, I agree the MIL should be helped with the chores, but in an even-handed and fair manner.)

Highly unlikely at the age of 18!

Not going is the best option I think!

It sounds like you've stepped in to some extent OP but rather than "hinting" say in words of one syllable, DD did this last time, it's someone else's turn this time. And tell DD beforehand to stay seated and not get up.

if you are real, shame on you for allowing your 85 year old mother in law to clean and cook for you - you should be ashamed

that's rather ageist - lots of mid 80 somethings are still very fit! That doesn't mean she should do it all, but neither should the OP's dd. Chores should be shared (including, in particular, with the MALE family members!)

I would never have let my grandmother lift a finger and I wouldn’t expect my kids to let their grandmother lift a finger now. The thought of it!

Even if your grandmother was In very fine form, relished her independence and actively asked to entertain her visitors when over?

or would you just ignore and demand your way simply because of her age rather than her condition and view?

@EYProvider you are deliberately misinterpreting @Safarigiraffe posts to suit your narrative.

You are coming across as an ageist misogynist and a particularly nasty one at that.

No one is suggesting that the family sits on their arses and is waited on by an 85 year old woman. But, that there is a familial shift in expectation that means that the workload is shared rather than it being left purely to the youngest female in the family and and older female in the family.

The majority of people I know of the generation who would have young adults have raised well rounded adults who have respect for their elders. Clearly Op has as her Daughter has played along with being helper for many years without throwing a tantrum. If you are seeing everyone around you raising obnoxious children with no respect for the older generations I would suggest that reflect more in the company you keep than society as a whole.

If I said this to either of my Grandmothers when they were fit and able I’d have been accused of being cheeky. Obviously I would help but when they were capable of doing things themselves it would be seen as thinking they were becoming infirm to suggest then never lift a finger.

But maybe the women in my family are just a bit more resilient than in yours.

God help your Grandchildren!

I appreciate your heart is in right place @EYProvider

but your stance is very ageist

Is this a cultural thing? Are you from the same culture?

To me, in the UK, it sounds totally unreasonable that the youngest female is effectively a servant. I'm not surprised she doesn't want to visit. Servants at least get paid!

To be fair I think some of the comments pps have been making about people helping out the MIL are more from a position of it being a nice thing to do for an elderly relative, than assuming the MIL can't do anything for herself. We all know many (though not all, I agree) people tire more easily/have greater issues with mobility as they age. To my way of thinking, helping elderly relatives is only a problem if others insist on doing things for them that they want to do for themselves.

Besides, the MIL is putting a lot of the work on to her DGD, which kind of signifies she needs some assistance.

I notice the OP has not returned to answer why all the other adults (male and female) do not chip in and help. But rather they all sit there and get waited on every time bu the 18 year old and the grandmother 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hence we addressing it specifically to the poster in questions don’t anyone else

Me