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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

342 replies

Safarigiraffe · 24/04/2022 00:48

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:29

CuddlyCactus · 24/04/2022 17:27

I notice the OP has not returned to answer why all the other adults (male and female) do not chip in and help. But rather they all sit there and get waited on every time bu the 18 year old and the grandmother 🤷🏼‍♀️

no doubt doesn’t fit with her story ie they do help. Regularly.

bringincrazyback · 24/04/2022 17:40

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:29

no doubt doesn’t fit with her story ie they do help. Regularly.

Show quote history

How on earth could you possibly know that?

And @CuddlyCactus could the OP not simply be busy today and not had chance to come back to the thread yet?

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:41

It was pretty much the FIRST question put to the Op

and then repeatedly

bringincrazyback · 24/04/2022 18:39

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:41

It was pretty much the FIRST question put to the Op

and then repeatedly

Not sure if that was directed at me, but if it was then we're at cross-purposes. I was asking how you could know that 'they do help, regularly'. And in fact on re-reading the OP's posts I see she says 'it falls on just DD to help while others sit around'.

If that wasn't what you were talking about, ignore this, but it wasn't clear who you were directing your comments to.

Uafasach · 24/04/2022 18:53

You have no idea re the capabilities and indeed preference of this woman

The OP said that MIL needs help

Chica10 · 25/04/2022 08:00

EYProvider · 24/04/2022 16:37

I would never have let my grandmother lift a finger and I wouldn’t expect my kids to let their grandmother lift a finger now. The thought of it!

It’s actually not about that. Ultimately, it’s about girls and women being expected to run around and serve other people, especially men, whilst they sit on their arses. The grandmother clearly believes that it’s the “woman’s job” to serve others. This kind of archaic and backward thinking needs to be stamped out. The grandmother should be asking everyone to contribute and help on the day including the men.

Chica10 · 25/04/2022 08:06

EYProvider · 24/04/2022 16:37

I would never have let my grandmother lift a finger and I wouldn’t expect my kids to let their grandmother lift a finger now. The thought of it!

And what do you expect all the men in the room to do, when they come to these dinners? Good grief, it’s 2022 not 1955!

MrsClatterbuck · 25/04/2022 08:20

This reminds me of going to a friends house for a meal with DH and 2 other couples. When the meal was ready the wives were expected to serve their husband's meal. This was over 20 years ago and don't remember all the ins and outs but was quite offended at the time but kept it to myself. They were a lovely couple but she had some old fashioned ideas..

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 08:41

I don’t get why this thread has becomes gender issue

the op is female and she’s not being asked to help

it is about age. The DD is the youngest of the group

i suspect the MIL is seeing her as “her little helper” and hasn’t realised that her granddaughter is now 18 and probably not quite so keen to help granny as when you’re 8!

the mil only sees her 3x a year, so just hasn’t kept up with her

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 08:43

MrsClatterbuck · 25/04/2022 08:20

This reminds me of going to a friends house for a meal with DH and 2 other couples. When the meal was ready the wives were expected to serve their husband's meal. This was over 20 years ago and don't remember all the ins and outs but was quite offended at the time but kept it to myself. They were a lovely couple but she had some old fashioned ideas..

Not just the couple to blame

your husband and the other man too. Why didn’t they say “thanks but I’ll serve myself”

Copperpottle · 25/04/2022 08:50

Why do you need to make a thread asking if it's ok that you sit silently while people mistreat your children? How do you not already know this is wrong? Do you have no parenting instincts at all?

Dinoteeth · 25/04/2022 12:25

Copperpottle · 25/04/2022 08:50

Why do you need to make a thread asking if it's ok that you sit silently while people mistreat your children? How do you not already know this is wrong? Do you have no parenting instincts at all?

Because of the same reason Op didn't mention MILs age in her first post.

Regardless of MILs motivation for wanting to host Sunday dinner, get her kids and grandkids together a few times per year.
It's quiet frankly shameful that the lazy sods sit back and let her. She shouldn't need to ask for help it should be a given that everyone pitches in.

summerin69 · 25/04/2022 17:51

Have you ever asked her why she singles our your daughter? I think it's best to choose a time to chat with her other than dinner and ask her why she's acting this way and then tell her that you expect others in the house to help out too - and that next time she asks your DD to clear everything up, you're going to tell her no - that everyone can take turns. What kind of message is she trying to teach here?

summerin69 · 25/04/2022 17:53

Copperpottle · 25/04/2022 08:50

Why do you need to make a thread asking if it's ok that you sit silently while people mistreat your children? How do you not already know this is wrong? Do you have no parenting instincts at all?

Not helpful to attack people's parenting.

Plumbuddle · 25/04/2022 18:02

Pantsomime · 24/04/2022 01:18

Can you say she’s working and can’t come - got a waitressing job getting paid to set, serve & clear tables

😂

CantFindMyMarbles · 25/04/2022 18:34

I would be direct with MIL. Even if it’s going to upset her….you’re daughter is upset now as are you. I personally wouldn’t tolerate this and I absolutely would be saying EVERYONE has to pitch in. If they’re perfectly capable and choose to not help then…no dinner. don’t help?

Can’t understand the mentality of the 5% that haven’t voted you’re unreasonable!!

Octomore · 25/04/2022 18:38

Safarigiraffe · 24/04/2022 01:01

DD is refusing to go round at all now

In that case don't make her go. If your MIL asks why she never sees DD any more, tell her the honest answer.

Don't pander to this shite.

Also, I bet the other cousins (the ones who aren't expected to do all the serving) are male, aren't they?

Octomore · 25/04/2022 18:41

Ultimately, it’s about girls and women being expected to run around and serve other people, especially men, whilst they sit on their arses. The grandmother clearly believes that it’s the “woman’s job” to serve others.

This 100%. The men in the room should be ashamed of themselves for not pitching in and doing their share.

SnozPoz · 25/04/2022 18:43

Could this be a cultural thing? We had a party a little while back where a South African father expected his youngest (grown and married) son to serve everyone, particularly him, all night. I found it a bit odd, but the son just expected to do it and was fine with it. I know lots of South Africans who don't do this I hasten to add! I think you need to talk to your husband maybe the youngest in the family has always done this and he thinks it's normal?

RedHorsesAreDangerous · 25/04/2022 18:44

Dunno if anyone else grew up "oop north" but my mam used to have the perfect question for these types of situations.

It was, "What did yer last servant die of?!" And if she was in a really bad mood (or having one of her frequent - very - bad cooking days - an ability which I definitely inherited) it was sometimes followed by, "Dee it yersel for once".

theremustonlybeone · 25/04/2022 18:50

why is it your DD is the only female expected to do this. its pretty shocking and i would support her for refusing to attend any future events as she is being treated like hired help

Tainging99 · 25/04/2022 18:58

Honestly, tell mil and explain the impact it’s having.

PrincessPaws · 25/04/2022 19:10

My generation has a lot to answer for with the way we have raised our children. Something has gone very very wrong and the above is the result - a society that values the ‘rights’ of an entitled 18 year old and her pathetic mother over the well-being of her 85 year old grandmother, who has had the temerity to ask her to lay the table.

Completely disagree, this isn't about being asked to help, this is about the youngest female being the only one EXPECTED to help, and not just help, to actively serve everyone else.

If there is anything any previous generation has gone wrong with it's enabling this blatant sexism

EYProvider · 25/04/2022 19:22

Unless I’ve missed an update, the OP hasn’t actually said who the various family members are, and it’s not even clear whether there are any men among them. All we know for sure is that Grandma, who is 85, has cooked the meal and asked the granddaughter, who is 18, to hand out the plates. OP is outraged by this, as she sees it as abuse, but it’s not clear why she didn’t offer to hand out the plates instead (presumably it would be ‘disrespect’ on Grandma’s part expecting it of her).

As I have zero interest in identity politics, I’m not remotely ‘ashamed’ to say that my priority in this situation would not be ‘supporting’ the 18 year old, if she was my daughter. There is no doubt that my daughter would be expected to carry the plates to the table, regardless of whether anyone offered to help her, because my expectation would be that she helped her grandmother. In fact, if my 18 year year old daughter refused to help her grandmother in this or any other situation, I would be seriously wondering where I had gone wrong with her upbringing.

cafebean · 25/04/2022 19:26

Sorry if this has been asked already, but this MIL is 85, you say - what cultural background is she from?

I'm just asking because some people of that age are very set in their ways and you won't change them now, so no point stressing it.

My husband has relatives who come over to us and it's a culture where men don't deal with food - and heaven forbid, they have to serve themselves or not be served tea within 60 seconds flat of walking through the door. Then, when you go there, it's the usual delight of all the women in the kitchen and the men droning on in another room. But they are older people and this is how they were brought up so I just go with it. So do my girls, but it would be shocking to them if my husband or sons were to so much as take a cup into the kitchen. The horror! Even in British families, I don't think this is that unusual in that generation.

When I got married, my MIL insisted on me going over on the weekends for hours so she could show me how to cook certain things from her culture that apparently her son has to have regularly. Otherwise he would cease to exist or something like that. Had it ever entered her head to have taught any of this to her son? Er, no. But this is what happened to her when she got married so, in her mind, she was apparently welcoming me into the family or some such thing. She just thought this was the done thing.

I do like the suggestion of telling the MIL that the DD can't come anymore as she has a paid job in a cafe!