MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

@EYProvider I will try a THIRD TIME. Why doesn't this poor '85 year old grandmother' who has the mouth on her to order a child into being a servant, ASK THE MEN TO HELP SERVE?

Reading this has produced quite a visceral reaction in me as my MIL does exactly the same thing to my adult DSD and she's already started 'training' her younger DGD (aged 10) up as well. When they visit they're expected to be constantly helping with the cooking, table setting, clearing up etc. I can guarantee 100% that no such expectations would be made if they were male.

When she visits here she pulls this act on me too. DH does most of the cooking when we have company (he enjoys it, I don't) and MIL thinks this is awful and is always saying things like 'Now, bringincrazyback, you're going to serve the food, aren't you?', telling me recipes, all sort of 'subtle' hints like that. She's never made any secret of the fact that she thinks I'm not domesticated enough. It's such a sexist thing and it makes me angry she's pulling it on her granddaughters as well.

In your shoes I wouldn't be worrying so much about ruffling feathers - yes your MIL is old and needs help, but that doesn't mean no one should ever challenge her.

It sounds as if this 18 year old is far from entitled. She's chosing to use her adult free time which for all we know might be very limited to visit her elderly relative and wait on that relative and her other relatives who are just as young and capable. Nowhere does it say that she expects anything from anyone. The older generation are the entitled ones if they think they have a free ticket to treat their youngsters like crap just because they share the same DNA

Your MIL does all the cooking and as the youngest grandchild, your DD sets and then clears the table. That doesn't sound that bad to me. Presumably before DD was born or old enough to take part, the next youngest grandchild did it.
I also don't understand why you 'say stuff' instead of getting up and helping your DD set and clear the table if that seems like too big a chore for her.
I'm from a large family. The youngest setting and clearing the table is quite common. And usually it happened at every dinner not just when we visited an older relative.

There are some odd posts on here. Your daughter is not a CHILD (qoute), this isn't abuse and your MIL doesn't sound like a nasty piece of work. It is, however very unfair that only your daughter is asked to help and she doesn't get to sit down.

It sounds like there are cultural and generational factors at play with your MIL and I would politely challenge them. e.g. DD is happy to help but it isn't fair that she has to do everything, perhaps male cousin could serve up.
I would also directly ask some of the cushy bums for help yourself.

Your daughter is 18, she can stay at home if she wants to and you can tell them that it's because she is never allowed to relax and it isn't fair. Some of the replies swing too far in the other direction though. I would encourage her to be helpful but not to the point that she's taken advantage of.

When it's only one constantly being the slave, it is bad.

Why don't the MEN set and clear the table? Or are your family as misogynist as the grandmother in this story?

I don't know why you assume it's a man, plenty of women hold these views

The same sort of man who thinks if fine to sit on his fat arse with his fat lazy wife while his elderly mother runs about after them both.

Really they should all be ashamed letting it happen.

As for the a-holes on here saying its abuse no its not abuse to expect fit healthy adults to help when Granny is sorting dinner.

Perhaps you should reread all OP's posts. Nowhere does she say that the male relatives didn't set the table when they were the youngest.
Then reread my post. Nowhere did I say that only female relatives do tasks. OP's DD is the youngest. Quite often in large families, certain tasks fall to the youngest. And as the families grow, it's not the same DC who is always the youngest.
You're arguing with everyone based on an idea you've created in your head about what is happening. But it's not what OP said was happening. OP said her DD did it because she was the youngest not because she was female.

Let me guess, MIL is from an Iranian background?

Also, there's a massive difference between being a slave and setting and clearing a table occasionally. Don't read any threads on here about chores, you'll combust! Teens and DCs do laundry, make meals, look after pets, tidy rooms, take bins out, as well as setting and clearing tables.
By your reckoning, the MIL is even more enslaved because she does all the cooking whilst OP and her DH do nothing but eat what she provides and complain that their DD is asked to help.

@DaisyQuakeJohnson I have. Perhaps you haven't, as the OP makes it clear it is a female thing.

From what I’ve seen when I am there and DD isn’t it’s the Adult women

and

Cousins are Female and Male
DD is the youngest Female out of 3

@DaisyQuakeJohnson You're being disingenuous, you knew what I (and almost everyone else) was saying. When you only one (1) person to do all the serving, all the setting, all the clearing then yes, you are using them as a slave.

Smile and say "No! DD do sit down!! You did all the work last time. It's <cousin's name> turn to help this time and <another cousin's name> can do it next time!! I'm sure they will agree that's fair."

@StoppinBy the OP says that if her DD isn’t there the adult women help. She also says her DH doesn’t stand up for her DD. And MIL does all the cooking. Not seeing anything that shows men doing anything

That's a ridiculous setup. Sounds very misogynistic as well as horribly archaic.

I'd be telling my daughter not to visit as she is being taken advantage of. I'd certainly be steering her away from this custom that she's doing it because she's female (as well as being the youngest). At our family meals, everyone does their bit and pitches in to help. There's absolutely no 'women's work'.

@TalkingCat nope OP still doesn't say that the males don't do anything. You've surmised that. You're also the only person making the leap to compare laying a table with slavery. Frankly, it's insulting hyperbole. And you don't seem to care about MIL doing all the cooking and hosting. It's almost as though it's not about potential sexism for you either. It's just about drama.

Oookay if you would be well pleased to watch your 18yr old daughter be a servant to all others while they sit down that's on you,I would never want that for my daughter as we have respect for her as she has for herself.I don't think you read any of my other post's where I think an 18yr old helping her grandmother is a lovely thing but not while everyone else sits watching her do that🙃

If you're willing to let a woman in her 80s host and cook for everyone, then you can't complain that you're bothered by sexism. It seems to be fine for everyone to sit about whilst the oldest woman in the room does everything.

Why does your DH not do the serving, setting up etc?? It's his mum after all. I cannot imagine expecting my partner or child to do all the work while I just sit and wait to be served.

The whole thing sounds very odd. Why doesn't everyone chip in to help? Why is it always just one person and the same person?

Don't blame your DD for not wanting to go - she's an adult, she can choose to not go. Make an excuse that she's working or something. I grew up in a culture where the elderly constantly guilt trip and have ridiculous expectations. Fortunately my parents never participated and I certainly don't think in 2021 there's a need to have any one person do all the work. The whole point of FAMILY is that it's shared.

I think the question is, why are you going round there and expecting to be 'served?'
When we went to my Grandma's house, my Mum & I did everything to give my Grandmother a break as she was a grafter! Never stopped

I don't think it's that bad. Someone has to do it. People often fall into roles- one does the tea, one tidies, one washes up etc. You can't have everyone helping at the same time as it's chaotic.

If anything, by making a fuss about it you've probably made your DD more uncomfortable about it than she needed to be. It's hardly a big deal, serving the dinner once every three months, when someone else has prepared everything. It's part of the individual relationships we build with each other. She's grandma's helper.

I suspect the OP would feel differently if DD had chosen that role, but she hasn't. She's been placed into it. And I disagree with pps who've said this isn't a gendered thing.

Surely you mean the family slave

The question is why you expect women to do the work and for men to sit and be served.