MIL expects DD18 to serve everyone

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is generally lovely woman however she expects DD18 to set table, serve everyone etc when we go round there before sitting down herself. Now DD18 can’t seem to relax or enjoy herself there as all work seems to fall onto her & now has reached a point where DD is refusing to go round at all. AIBU to think that it’s not fair to expect DD18 to do the setting up, serving of adults before being seated herself, clear away table when they are other older cousins in their late 20s there that can do this Not sure how to address this issue or whether to say something to DH (would more than likely cause a row) or whether to say something subtle to MIL (who would no doubt get very upset) Just to add DD does do little things to help out but MIL expects her to do everything without having a break

Its everyone else who should be standing up saying i'll help aswell-the womans 85 is everything supposed to be done by her

I’m guessing this is very much a cultural thing; I had a work colleague in her late 20s who was expected, as the youngest unmarried female, to do all the cooking and cleaning for her family she lived with. She couldn’t even eat her dinner until everyone else had finished, if they had guests.

She saved extremely hard and moved out as soon as she could afford her own place, much to her parents horror (she also turned down several potential husbands they introduced her to). She’s now in her 40s and still single and her family have given up trying to get her to conform.

Your daughter is right to refuse to go. Your MIL should get more help when cooking and hosting (but I suspect this is also a pride/tradition thing?)

Just checking, are you the DD by any chance OP?

@EYProvider Why can't grandma say to her son or any of the males to 'help me serve this'? Thus if she is only asking the youngest girl, and makes no effort herself to ask the men, then she is as guilty as the others. She is enabling this misogynistic abuse of the girl. She is not innocent. She has a voice. At ANY point in time she could ask for a male to help. She chooses not to, and instead picks on the girl.

Everyone is focusing on 85 year old hosting and doing all the cooking. But I am wondering who gets the most out of these occasions. Whose benefit are they for? I am guessing it is the MIL herself who wants to have all the family there.

Yes perhaps her adult DC should step up and take turns to host but maybe it is a matriarch thing and MIL actually wants it at her house.

I get your DD is fed up of waiting on everybody but MIL needs help. Maybe one approach is for her to lay table "Oh should I do this grandma, nobody else seems to want to*, then serves grandma's meal and then gets her own and sits down with it and makes it clear she is no longer waiting on everyone. Ditto clearing away.

It’s very sad that the MIL has to ask for help, why aren’t the adults in the room offering to help without being asked (and I include all the males in that)

@toomuchlaundry On that side of the family, absolutely fuck all, bar one uncle who does his bit. The other two uncles who do nothing inherited 90% of everything. When my mother and aunt criticised these brothers for doing nothing to help their mother (and I mean nothing) they were both written out of the will. They were only ever going to inherit a tiny amount but they were very upset at my grandmother's reaction. There's another aunt who does as little as the men but she feeds my grandmother's narcissism so grandmother looks after her too.
My aunt was cleaning out a handbag that my grandmother wanted to use and the will fell out, in case you were wondering how we know all these details. Now that was a dramatic day!

All of the adults should be helping, not just the most easily intimidated females. I’m teaching my daughters that we all pitch in, not that the men sit on their backsides while elderly and young women serve.

This.

TalkingCat, don’t be so utterly ridiculous and selfish. Grandma is 85 years old. It doesn’t matter who helps her frankly, so long as someone does.

@Inertia
That is almost exactly the reply I was about to give to @EYProvider@EYProvider. But maybe it was a mistype that she said "raising your daughters" rather than "raising your children"

@EYProvider You're the one being utterly ridiculous and selfish, and promoting sexism, misogyny and abuse of women! It matters VERY MUCH who helps her! VERY MUCH! The men should be helping out, not a CHILD! What on earth is wrong with you that you cannot see this?

@EYProvider And you didn't answer my question. If this supposedly meek '85 year old grandmother' has a mouth on her that can order the youngest girl to help, why can't she use that same mouth to ask her son or the other men to help serve?

Your DD is 18. Next time you go to MIL's, let DD stay at home, and watch to see who gets chosen as skivvy.

I'd be betting on it being someone who doesn't have a penis.

Absolutely. The grandmother will find the next youngest girl to exploit.

Why don’t the people with a penis actually do something eg cook, serve before MIL has to ask for help. The people with a penis seem quite happy to be served by those without a penis

I agree it is wrong that your DD is the only one being asked to help. But realistically at 85 your MiL is unlikely to be able to change. I think it is up to the rest of you to step up - that is you, your DH and the cousins. If the others don't then I suggest you say 'give us a hand with these plates cousin'. Your DD should of course also help. Your MiL is 85. My DM and MiL have both died in the last 18 months and I have a similar aged DD to you. It would be very sad if your DD stopped seeing her MiL because of this.

OP you've really got to speak up for your daughter - she is not the family serving wench! You can do it nicely and carefully. If your MIL gets the hump that's tough tbh. She probably sees it as a nice thing to do with your daughter, a bonding thing, etc., and doesn't see at all how ageist and sexist she is being.

But did the other cousins(inc male ones) do this in the past?

What do all the men (inc your husband) do to help?

Is this a cultural thing? Women serve whilst men sit?

And if it's once every few months, it's not very pleasant but you made it sound initially like it was frequent.

Will it be an issue in the family if your DD doesn't go? Are there any younger children waiting for their turn?

Why all the sexist tripe? Where did OP say it was only women doing the work over the years?

All the info we currently have is that OP'S daughter is the youngest and has been asked to do all the helping out while everyone else.... both Male and Female are allowed to sit on their arse's doing nothing.

How do you get 'men should get served because they are men' from that?

My PIL have a very sexist dynamic.... FIL expects men to be waited on by women and MIL allows this, it pisses me off no end but I don't see the evidence of that here.

Your husband would get angry, and the granny would get ‘upset’? So fucking what? Get upset right back. Get angry right back. You don’t say how you have stepped up and advocated for your child, you mentioned dropping hints, which is useless in every scenario.
That’s good that your daughter doesn’t want those slovenly people in her life, every adult sitting on their arses letting a very elderly woman, and a teenager serve them should be ashamed of themselves.

If DD doesn't want to go, then she doesn't go
When asked why, just say she doesn't like being treated as a skivvy.

Maybe when MIL comes to your house make her do all the work, after all, it's traditional in your family that the matriarch takes on those chores. 😉🤣

She's 18. Her involvement with any family member is no longer a duty it's a choice, a choice which will likely depend on how she is treated. Tell dd honestly that you feel it's unfair that she doesn't have to go there any more if it bothers her. Encourage her to tell grandma herself why (she's big enough to fight her own battles) but try and get grandma to rectify the situation first. No drama needed. Grandma can't MAKE her be her slave and she can't make her visit either. She might need to learn that the hard way...

Precisely!
How have either of DD's parents been unable to use their 'generational seniority' (as this family seems to be ALL about the age ranking) to bark at the 20-something aged cousins "DD is not your skivvy you lazy bugger - why aren't you pulling your weight so she can sit down with everyone else for a bloody change?"

So what if there's fallout?
I wouldn't GAF about family tradition or other people's manufactured outrage at being challenged if my DD was being denigrated like this.

She's sensibly opted out because her mum's efforts at alleviating the situation are too timid (sorry OP, I know how hard intractible family custom can be to navigate - helpful link follows) & her DF either doesn't notice, or doesn't give a shit, because in his family, young women are low-ranking servants.

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

My generation has a lot to answer for with the way we have raised our children. Something has gone very very wrong and the above is the result - a society that values the ‘rights’ of an entitled 18 year old and her pathetic mother over the well-being of her 85 year old grandmother, who has had the temerity to ask her to lay the table.

Dear God, no wonder the world is in its current state.

@EYProvider You have to be having us on here. You think it's wrong that a woman is allowed to be assertive and not be used? What century are you in? The 1800s? Your misogyny is disgraceful and you should be utterly ashamed of yourself! I notice you're too cowardly to answer the question I put to you twice. I can only presume you are a male who hates women and think we should be your slaves. Thankfully we were raised better than you were.