To expect my husband to have a basic understanding of how the female body works?

[Noeggsinmybasket]

I’ve suspected for the last year or so that I’ve been going through peri menopause. I’m 38, my mum started the menopause at 40.

My dh mentioned Ronaldo this evening and how horrible it was that he and his partner had lost their baby. I agreed, it is awful. I said to him that it was an emotive subject for me given that I lost our dc2’s twin during pregnancy. This in itself is something that dh has admitted to having forgotten about in the past (dc2 is only 6)… despite having been fully aware that I was miscarrying at the time and attending the scan and subsequent appointments at which we were told the baby was gone. I’m not really sure how someone can forget having lost a child.

Anyway, long story short… I mentioned to dh that I suspect I have a history of ovulating twice a month/releasing multiple eggs and that is why I am experiencing peri menopause at quite an early stage in life. He didn’t understand this at all. He said oh yes, you thought you were going through menopause when you were pregnant with dc1 (I most certainly did not). He just doesn’t seem to understand the concept of women having a finite amount of eggs, and that if indeed I have been releasing two a month on a regular basis they are likely to be expended at a faster rate, leading to menopause. Is this really such an alien concept? I’m not sure if I’m expecting too much? He got the hump at my exasperation and the night has ended on a sour note. It’s upsetting because I wasn’t looking for an argument, just a conversation and some acknowledgment.

I agree with this!

Men don’t really have any reason to know this stuff until someone explains it to him. I’d be surprised if DP had done his own research into ovulation (unless we were having issues and he wanted to further educate himself)

Did you? About menopause?

I think without knowing the person and whats going on in his head thats difficult to comment on, he might not view it as a loss in the same way as his wife, he might not want to recognise the loss, too painful etc.

Or for some lucky people, like me, the menopause means your periods stop, no hot flushes or any other issues other than a positive for me as migraines also stopped. It was a win win.

@ancientgran Oooh that's very lucky by all accounts. So there's hope

Men don’t really have any reason to know this stuff until someone explains it to him. I’d be surprised if DP had done his own research into ovulation (unless we were having issues and he wanted to further educate himself)

There's been quite a bit of work that's gone into menopause awareness for men as we should be more educated. I hold my hand up to watching the One Show (I'll get my coat!) when they had a segment dedicated to it.

Even GenM have lots of info for men:

gen-m.com/

I agree that most men don't have a clue (I'm not well read on it either) but my wife's going through it and it's supposed to be filtering into the workplace so that employers can do more for staff that are affected.

ancientgran
I was the same. menopause was very uneventful.I went from a regular 4 week cycle to just stopping my periods. And that was it. No other symptoms, No hot flushes, no mood swings. It was very easy.

I'm so sorry you lost your little one - that must have been very difficult. I guess I do wonder why it's important to you that your dh understands things like the menopause and ovulation? I wouldn't expect my partner to and I prefer it that way tbh. If it's about him being supportive of your feelings and what you're going through, he can be supportive without having to completely understand the ins and outs of a woman's body - as other posters have said, some women don't even know! Do you understand the workings of the prostate gland and the whole "meat and 2 veg"? 🙂 I would maybe accept that he doesn't understand - at the end of the day does it matter? But forgetting that you lost one of your twins is more upsetting.

If I were you, OP, my biggest concern would be that your husband attended a scan appointment with you, presumably saw two heart beats, got very excited with you over the fact that he was going to become a father of twins, maybe even thought about names, looked at double prams/push chairs, maybe even told his friends and family and now has apparently completely forgotten that the baby existed.

That would be more of a concern than his potential lack of understanding of female anatomy.

A friend of mine, when pregnant with her first child, had an issue in the early stages of pregnancy & had an emergency trip to hospital. Our boss couldn't understand it, saying 'well, it's hardly her first kid, what's the problem?'. Her husband had 2 kids from a previous relationship. Boss just thought 'kids were kids' and maternal mum & step mum are basically the same thing. He was a total fucking clueless arse.

Most doctors don't seem to understand or appreciate the menopause... I think you're being a bit hard on your husband. But if you calmly explain it and he still acts dumb then YANBU. Unfortunately even though it becomes the centre of our world when it happens it just doesn't register as a problem for everyone else

Many women don't know basic anatomical biology of their own bodies, how can we expect men to know!!!

Its a good job that the OPs partner didnt even realise that OPs menopause theory wasnt accurate and tried to start correcting her.

There would have been all sorts of criticism of mansplaining!!

I agree.
My mother was telling me about a smear test when I was in my teens.
She said " they put something like a telescopic umbrella up inside your womb, open it, and scrape everything out as they pull"
She also is of the idea that a vasectomy is the removal of the testicles.

My dh hadn't seen female genitals until I was giving birth to our first dc..
He had no idea about anything...
And my first bf asked how I could wee whilst on my period..
The male mind is certainly a complex (or lack of) thing...

But how...did you...conceive?

You dont have to see your partners genitalia to conceive.

Lights off under the covers... His staunch Catholic dm would never allow ds's to be without a nappy as they would get sexual feelings. Prob explained a bit about dh..
And about why we divorced...

You dont have to see your partners genitalia to conceive.

@Moomeh hahah it's true!

To the poster who came on telling OP not to wish herself at this stage in life... OP may well be in peri menopause, I was in my late 30s though I didn't realise it at the time. Had my last period just three weeks before my 43rd birthday. It happens, albeit not for the reasons OP described. Early menopause runs in our family apparently; my sister went through it in her early 40s and a couple of aunts in their late 30s our mother had a hysterectomy in her late 30s as a result of a couple of complicated births so DSIS and I didn't really get it flagged up until it was a bit late.

Why would a man know about ovarian reserve if a) it's not his job and b) it's not related to seeking fertility treatment?

Girls aren't even told about it - probably because schools are far more focused upon giving them the information they need to not get pregnant at an early age - classes saying 'by the way, your eggs will run out and you could be unable to have children if you leave it too late' would lead to at least some thinking they'd better get on with it.

I had my tubes removed during my c section with DC3 as I definitely wanted no more children and the amount of women I know who asked would I still get periods afterwards shocked me. These are educated women so it totally surprised me. I also think as regards OPs husband forgetting about the miscarriage I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and it really wasn't a traumatic event for me. I don't think about it or dwell in it . I was very pragmatic about it as it was my first pregnancy and I knew I was a statistic and it was just bad luck. That's MY way of dealing with it and obviously I'm not saying that other people should feel the same way about their miscarriage.

I’m pretty sure we did learn about menopause in school and I’m in your generation.