To expect my husband to have a basic understanding of how the female body works?

[Noeggsinmybasket]

I’ve suspected for the last year or so that I’ve been going through peri menopause. I’m 38, my mum started the menopause at 40.

My dh mentioned Ronaldo this evening and how horrible it was that he and his partner had lost their baby. I agreed, it is awful. I said to him that it was an emotive subject for me given that I lost our dc2’s twin during pregnancy. This in itself is something that dh has admitted to having forgotten about in the past (dc2 is only 6)… despite having been fully aware that I was miscarrying at the time and attending the scan and subsequent appointments at which we were told the baby was gone. I’m not really sure how someone can forget having lost a child.

Anyway, long story short… I mentioned to dh that I suspect I have a history of ovulating twice a month/releasing multiple eggs and that is why I am experiencing peri menopause at quite an early stage in life. He didn’t understand this at all. He said oh yes, you thought you were going through menopause when you were pregnant with dc1 (I most certainly did not). He just doesn’t seem to understand the concept of women having a finite amount of eggs, and that if indeed I have been releasing two a month on a regular basis they are likely to be expended at a faster rate, leading to menopause. Is this really such an alien concept? I’m not sure if I’m expecting too much? He got the hump at my exasperation and the night has ended on a sour note. It’s upsetting because I wasn’t looking for an argument, just a conversation and some acknowledgment.

I’ve learnt a lot about menopause and ovulation here to be fair, thanks ladies! I will confess that I usually do say ‘vagina’ too when I mean vulva. It’s not because I don’t know what it’s called, I just hate the word vulva. The way it comes out. It’s a bit like ‘moist’ with the sound I suppose.

With the twin, as pp have said, it’s very possible he has blocked it out. It’s worth a conversation with him about how much it meant to you. 💐

"I thought you just stopped getting your period, I had zero clue about all of the side effects that go alongside it."

Hot flashes/flushes are really well known, mentioned in TV programmes, etc.
I agree that the other side effects aren't as well known.

YANBU to be upset but YABU not to understand your own biology. It is crazy how little we know about women’s bodies! I have learnt so much by doing IVF. Women don’t run out of eggs - there will still be loads of primordial follicles left at menopause, but (i) most eggs will be aneuploid (chromosomally abnormal so unlikely to result in a birth) - at 40 2in 3 eggs are typically aneuploid already; (ii) the production of hormones will alter, so changing biochemical processes setting up conditions for conception. Gathering extra eggs via IVF doesn’t hasten menopause or use them up, it merely promotes the development of follicles that would otherwise have gone to waste that month.

This! I learnt alot only much, much later.

I agree. I had ivf and I remember explaining the finer points of conception to a friend who was pregnant. She had done it the old fashioned way and had little idea of the nuts and bolts, as it were.

Can I recommend the BBC Sounds Podcast 28ish Days Later?
It is about the female reproductive system and talks through every day of your cycle. Really interesting stuff.

Sorry, the sloshy milk lilos really made me laugh.

I have been on the pill from age 15 to 46 solidly pretty much. The thought of all those over ripe, maybe slightly past their sell by, maybe even a bit rotten floating about in my body is not a very nice thought. Do you think if I went private I could get them removed? 🤔

There are also a lot of women who don't fully understand the prostate gland and prostate specifc antigens and who it all works.

I voted you are being unreasonable because the reproductive systems are complex and not the same for every person and not something that most people are taught about in detail.

Why are some posters on MN so dramatic? You are absolutely not “in shock” at people not fully understanding menopause FGS and the population does not need a “wake up call”

It's fashionable nowadays for people to blame things on perimenopause. It is highly, highly unlikely you're experiencing perimenopause at 38. I don't think how often you ovulate would make a difference.

A round of applause please for OP’s hugely gracious handling of this! I’ve never been so impressed with a poster for admitting their error and not getting aggressively defensive when said error is explained to them. 👏

I’m not sure about a basic understanding, but a passing interest in the health impacts on the person that they vowed to love and cherish isn’t asking much.

I came close to punching my dh because he smirked when I told him I had pmt. I’m not a remotely violent person but I came close. He thought pmt was made up and I was being funny. He’s learned a bit since then.

I mentioned to dh that I suspect I have a history of ovulating twice a month/releasing multiple eggs and that is why I am experiencing peri menopause at quite an early stage in life

🤯

Um, no, that is not how it works. The fact your mother went through menopause in her 40s is partly why you’re might experience the same as some believe it is genetic.

However, it is also worth noting that an early menopause is not triggered in the way you think it is. Instead, it is triggered due to diminishing hormones. Additionally, FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) is one of the hormones that can fail, and it is this that triggers the release of an egg each month, so if it fails, no egg. This is what happened to me in my late 30s, or as my doctor diagnosed - premature ovarian failure - which pushed me into perimenopause (even though I was still menstruating and my body was still producing oestrogen).

Without wanting to be harsh, but if you do not understand how your own body works, how can you expect your husband to?

This isn't something any of us are taught as standard. Talk to him about it and learn together. If he's not interested then... he's not interested :(

YANBU if your DH is a gynaecologist. Otherwise YABU. Why do you think he should know more than you do?

Unfortunately, women’s hormones can fail at any age and some do experience perimenopause in their 20s and 30s. There is far more awareness of the symptoms of perimenopause and menopause now and women are more likely to talk about this whereas in the past, it was rather a taboo subject and brushed under the carpet.

I’m sorry for your loss op. And for the fact that you are saddled with this loser. I suspect that this discussion is the very least of your troubles.

That's so freaky! Wow

I just looked it up and apparently when we are born we have a million eggs, when we reach puberty we have 300,000. I don't think ovulating twice a month makes much difference.

Well, I'm mid-fifties and going through the menopause and I did not associate it with running out of eggs either. I thought it was just to do with hormones decreasing.

Menopause isn't that well understood by most people so I think it's a bit unfair on your husband. They still don't even really understand why it happens rather than us being fertile our whole lives! However I would expect that now you are experiencing symptoms he should learn a bit more so that he can be supportive.

I'm afraid your biology is wrong (if you spend 15 years back to back pregnant, not releasing any eggs at all, you don't go through menopause any later) But your husband is still a dick. Then again, my husband still doesn't really know what a prostate is, so maybe it's not just female biology they can't be arsed with 🤷‍♀️

I just find it fascinating and amazing that you are born with all the eggs you will ever have. Which means that your mother already had YOUR eggs (her future grandchildren) inside her while she was gestating YOU (because they were inside of you, inside of her).

Brain exploded.

"It seems to me that men should know much, much more about the bodies they have sex with, not just in order to enhance the sexual experience of their female partners but also to be able to empathise and care when female parts cause problems"

This would require men to have a genuine interest in these issues that encouraged them to get educated about it, like they do, for instance, for work, or for some of their hobbies. Realistically, I am still to meet a single man who does.