To expect my husband to have a basic understanding of how the female body works?

[Noeggsinmybasket]

I’ve suspected for the last year or so that I’ve been going through peri menopause. I’m 38, my mum started the menopause at 40.

My dh mentioned Ronaldo this evening and how horrible it was that he and his partner had lost their baby. I agreed, it is awful. I said to him that it was an emotive subject for me given that I lost our dc2’s twin during pregnancy. This in itself is something that dh has admitted to having forgotten about in the past (dc2 is only 6)… despite having been fully aware that I was miscarrying at the time and attending the scan and subsequent appointments at which we were told the baby was gone. I’m not really sure how someone can forget having lost a child.

Anyway, long story short… I mentioned to dh that I suspect I have a history of ovulating twice a month/releasing multiple eggs and that is why I am experiencing peri menopause at quite an early stage in life. He didn’t understand this at all. He said oh yes, you thought you were going through menopause when you were pregnant with dc1 (I most certainly did not). He just doesn’t seem to understand the concept of women having a finite amount of eggs, and that if indeed I have been releasing two a month on a regular basis they are likely to be expended at a faster rate, leading to menopause. Is this really such an alien concept? I’m not sure if I’m expecting too much? He got the hump at my exasperation and the night has ended on a sour note. It’s upsetting because I wasn’t looking for an argument, just a conversation and some acknowledgment.

Hats off to OP for coming back!

I wish my grammar school had given us all these biology lessons that everyone else apparently had.
we were taught fuck all about our own bodies.
I had to google how getting pregnant worked (the finer details obvs..timing of ovulation, fertilisation, implantation etc)

School is bullshit for actually teaching you useful things you need to know about life.

clearly I’m going to have to google menopause next..
so yeah I can totally forgive his lack of knowledge. The forgetting about your twins miscarriage.. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Not sure. Some people just aren’t as emotionally connect as others.

Well done for coming back op. I had no idea so many eggs were lost each month either.

@slashlover
I learned a little about the male anatomy because dd has this in biology during lockdown. Don’t ever remember learning about it at school.

I didn't know perimenopause was a thing until it had been and gone.
It was quite the light bulb moment when I realised.

Going through IVF gave me an incredibly in-depth knowledge of how the female body works - taking to my female friends about it who had got pregnant naturally made me realise how basic most of our knowledge is. Definitely not just a man thing.

No,most people have limited knowledge. That's not right but true. I have specifically found out more info whilst ttc and approaching menopause.

However I can't imagine how he can forget the death of a child. I can only imagine he has buried the sadness so deep as he can't process it.

Yes, disregarding everything else you said, how are you OK to be with a man who did this?

TBH at school (1980s), boys and girls were taught sex/reproduction separately, and the menopause wasn’t mentioned at all, even for the girls. I honestly thought that one day you stopped having periods, could no longer get pregnant and “tada”! You’re out the other side, home abs dry with no lasting effects. The whole perimenopause, weight gain, skin/hair effects, mood swings, hot flushes and all the other symptoms was news to me in my late twenties.

DS’s school sent home a link to a Newsround Extra report on periods in Y7(age 11-12). We watched it as a family, because I also have a younger dd (Y4, age 9 at the time) and I wanted it to be “out in the open”. DH learnt from it. He grew up with only brothers and a very staid mother. He had no practical need to know about periods and menopause.

Timing of menopause really isn’t simple. It’s due to a multitude of factors. Genetic, environmental etc. Many of them unknown.

Me too. I had a miscarriage (not twins) and it is in my top 3 worst experiences in my life.

I think about it every single day.

If my husband said he FORGOT I don’t know what i would do.

💐for you OP. I hope you are ok.

I got 95% of my info on women's reproductive systems from women's magazines, now the internet. I don't think you can expect men to have the same level as interest as women in this since they don't go through it themselves. And you can't expect them to read women's magazines.
I rarely read up on men's reproductive health- I probably only would if there was a specific issue that had happened.
PS I love how you awarded yourself a biscuit!!!

The ovaries still have eggs in them or cells that could be eggs forever. Your assumption OP is incorrect.

The different stages of menopause are only a recent phenomena as far as I'm concerned, lol. Of course it happens in stages and for many it's much earlier than you think. Being peri menopausal in your 40's actually might not be young - being it your early to mid 30's or earlier def is young.

For me, I'd say be glad. Missing that monthly cycle is not something I've missed since having a hysterectomy in my 40's in 2012. 😉

BTW your DH can only learn what you're talking to him about by reading and listening. I mean what do you know about his equivalent hormonal cycle? Male menopause is only just being talked about now. 😬

Sorry but you're being unreasonable.

to be fair im a woman and i dont know anything about eggs. I should sure but i dont care. i didnt know that either

Bless you OP, you have made me smile 😃
In response to your original gripe, I do think our partners (& sometimes ourselves) do block out painful experiences & it's a protective mechanism. Perhaps dwelling on these aspects & the egg count, it might be worth coming at this from a slightly different perspective. If it is the menopause, you are probably going to experience some physical & emotional changes over the coming months & years. I would sit down with DH & give him the task of helping you to understand the upcoming changes. Download the balance app & look at possible symptoms & discuss with him how they might make you feel. Get him involved early on & hopefully he will be a support to you, rather than a big irritation.

On the MC, I had two MC's then lost a twin on this pregnancy. DH has said twin 2 doesn't count as a MC, not entirely sure of his thinking as to why that is. I think he just sees it as something completely separate to him/ this growing baby. I am happy to be carrying a healthy baby but do wonder what twins would have been like.

Also doubt he has much clue about the menopause.

I’m not really sure how someone can forget having lost a child.

Maybe he's repressed the memory.

As for not knowing about the female reproductive system, large numbers of women don't and they possess the bloody organs involved! So how you'd expect someone who doesn't have them to know...

DressingGownoOfDoom I had the same.Was told will not go into early menopause by Consultant .Simply that with 2 ovarian tubes/ovaries "take turns " to release eggs each month (1 month on one off) This was 20 odd years ago .MP happening at 50 normal age.

A pregnancy isn't a baby until that baby is born to a lot of men. Especially if it was early. So he may not think of your loss as the death of a child.

And I wouldn't blame him for forgetting because it's not at the forefront of their mind as one of their experiences necessarily. He was there with you, but it didn't affect him in the same way. You remember the horror, loss, anxiety and grief, he sees his healthy child now.

My husband doesn't really consider my miscarriage to be his baby. I don't think he considered DS to be a real baby until he was old enough to survive outside the womb, I remember that being a big landmark for him, that if he was born the hospital would try to save him.

Well, I’ve learnt some more about ovulation and the life of eggs from this thread and I’m 57 and a mother of 3. I did read up a lot about pregnancy when I was pregnant but didn’t know all the details beforehand. 1970s sex ed left a lot to be desired. And I dropped biology before O levels.

YANBU for him to remember a miscarriage. What this thread confirms to me is the need for children at school and indeed more widely that the menopause is talked about and understood more.

Blimey, I am in shock. Yes, I would expect everyone to know that basic fact. I am shocked that majority of people on here think you are not reasonable to expect that. And for the fact that he forgets he lost a child is beyond my comprehension.
I am very very sorry you are experiencing this.
I think UK needs a wake up call if half of the population lacks basic knowledge about life.

I don’t think most men would have a clue! I would expect him to understand your explanation though.

@DressingGownofDoom No it should not affect things afaik. The eggs in both ovaries remain ‘usable’ even with one tube.

“Amazing and little-known fact: Fallopian tubes are mobile and active parts of your reproductive tract. When one tube isn’t there or is “broken” the other tube can actually move over to the opposite ovary and “pick up” an available egg. Pretty amazing.”

I think they used to say that if you had an earlier first period, your menopause would be earlier too as you would have used your eggs up, but now they don't think that any more so I agree with those who are sceptical about meno being triggered by having used up all your eggs.