To expect my husband to have a basic understanding of how the female body works?

[Noeggsinmybasket]

I’ve suspected for the last year or so that I’ve been going through peri menopause. I’m 38, my mum started the menopause at 40.

My dh mentioned Ronaldo this evening and how horrible it was that he and his partner had lost their baby. I agreed, it is awful. I said to him that it was an emotive subject for me given that I lost our dc2’s twin during pregnancy. This in itself is something that dh has admitted to having forgotten about in the past (dc2 is only 6)… despite having been fully aware that I was miscarrying at the time and attending the scan and subsequent appointments at which we were told the baby was gone. I’m not really sure how someone can forget having lost a child.

Anyway, long story short… I mentioned to dh that I suspect I have a history of ovulating twice a month/releasing multiple eggs and that is why I am experiencing peri menopause at quite an early stage in life. He didn’t understand this at all. He said oh yes, you thought you were going through menopause when you were pregnant with dc1 (I most certainly did not). He just doesn’t seem to understand the concept of women having a finite amount of eggs, and that if indeed I have been releasing two a month on a regular basis they are likely to be expended at a faster rate, leading to menopause. Is this really such an alien concept? I’m not sure if I’m expecting too much? He got the hump at my exasperation and the night has ended on a sour note. It’s upsetting because I wasn’t looking for an argument, just a conversation and some acknowledgment.

You’re a good egg, OP.

I have had quite the biology lesson here.

🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚

OP, it's really common for people to have mistaken ideas about the human body, mostly because it never comes up in a context where you are corrected, I don't think it's anything to be embarrassed about .

I do think for men, pregnancy is often more separate for them than it is for women, and it doesn't become real until afterwards. They don't think of a fetus as being a person or even quite "real", more of a physiological process the woman's body goes through. Whereas women often feel a close tie to the baby. Obviously there are degrees of this but it might account for the way your husband thinks about the baby that you lost.

Some men know bugger all about anything 'female.' A colleague of mine jokes about menopause every time I say I'm warm or similar. I'm 33. 🙄

😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

Biology class?

I can't believe we're discussing menopause theories when this man forgot that one of his twins died.

Me neither. I can't get past it. 😢

We are discussing biology, and misconceptions about women's bodies, and specifically as per the OP, misconceptions re menopause. Not theories.

The husband's memory is an odd thing, but the discussion is as above.

Every word of this!!

It's really unfair to bemoan his lack of knowledge about your body when you yourself have a similar lack of knowledge.

(Nothing wrong with not actually knowing - but not fair to criticise others!)

Yes, this. I’m sorry, OP - is he usually this insensitive?

Sorry but YABU.

previous posters:
Where do you think he would have learnt this stuff?
Biology class?

When I was 13, the boys were excluded from a half-day lecture/videos on menstruation.

To give your husband some credit, I don't think that men in general feel deeply about miscarriage . Looking at it from your husband's point of view, you were pregnant , you had some bleeding , and then you remained pregnant and had your child . He wouldn't have felt it deeply as you did. After 6 years I'm not really surprised that his memories of that time are sketchy.

And your knowledge of your own ovulation is entirely incorrect - at puberty you had about 300,000 eggs and you lost one per month . Basic maths tells you that it's impossible to run out of eggs in the space of about 360 months , as you have calculated.

Back to sex ed classes with you !

YABU to think your theory of onset of menopause is correct.

YANBU to be bothered by your H's ignorance and also by how annoyed he got when you were trying to talk to him about something personal and important to you.

It seems to me that men should know much, much more about the bodies they have sex with, not just in order to enhance the sexual experience of their female partners but also to be able to empathise and care when female parts cause problems (endometriosis, killer periods, etc) and at times like pregnancy, the postpartum period, and menopause. How can a woman feel her husband or partner truly has her back if she finds out that he wouldn't know an ovary from an elbow?

Are you able to sit him down to have a talk about how sad you are that he forgot you lost a twin?

Are you able to sit him down to have a talk about how sad you are that he forgot HE lost a twin?

By your logic, those of us who have been through assisted conception and have been given drugs to over-stimulate the ovaries and produce several eggs a cycle should start menopause in our 20s.

I have a different theory to you...

He's got miscarriage and menopause mixed up.
Hence the "He said oh yes, you thought you were going through menopause when you were pregnant with dc"

Either way he's a knob for "forgetting" his own child. 💐

I’m sorry for your loss OP.
I think yabu to expect your DH to know about ovulation or menopause, however how on Earth he forgot about your joint loss I don’t know.

I had IVF and I honestly thought this was true. I freaked out about it and couldn’t understand why this hadn’t been explained to me as a side effect of IVF. I had to research it and put my own mind at rest.
I also learned about peri from MN!
So I don’t blame the OP for thinking this.

OP I’m sorry for your loss. I also think my DH would have blocked this out. He’s practical and doesn’t dwell on anything.

Doesn't really surprise me.
My mother told me that babies grow in your bowels.

I said YABU purely because I know I couldn't explain much about the male reproductive system. I don't know how sperm is made, for example.

NEITHER of you understand female anatomy! So YABU to be irritated at him for not understanding (because you don’t either). However, how can he forget one of his dc died 6 years ago? Even if you lost one twin really early on, that’s still a loss!

Well every day's a school day OP.

As to your DH forgetting about the miscarriage, I'm reminded of the time my DN miscarried. When I saw her a few weeks later for the first time since it happened and it was just me and her DH in the kitchen. I asked him how he was feeling. He looked at me, there was a long pause and he replied "it's been 6 weeks and you are the 1st person to ask me that". He had a lot of "sorry mate, that's crap" type of comments and pats on the shoulder, but no-one had asked how he felt. So maybe, it's no surprise that many men just push it all to the back of their minds and forget when their grief is not being acknowledged. I'm not saying that's what happened in your case OP but it happens.

You are upset because he dismissed your concerns/needs and was thoughtless.

Despite many disregarding your theory there is research to suggest that women who have twins will reach menopause earlier. The reason for this is not entirely known yet.

‘The prevalence of operative menopause was slightly higher among mothers of multiple births. Mothers of DZ unlike‐sexed twins had significantly higher rates of operative menopause than did women in the comparison group.’

i don’t think you were upset by his lack of knowledge, which is understandable, but more his inability to empathise about the loss of your child and that you may be going through peri menopause now.