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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect my husband to have a basic understanding of how the female body works?

182 replies

Noeggsinmybasket · 23/04/2022 23:13

I’ve suspected for the last year or so that I’ve been going through peri menopause. I’m 38, my mum started the menopause at 40.

My dh mentioned Ronaldo this evening and how horrible it was that he and his partner had lost their baby. I agreed, it is awful. I said to him that it was an emotive subject for me given that I lost our dc2’s twin during pregnancy. This in itself is something that dh has admitted to having forgotten about in the past (dc2 is only 6)… despite having been fully aware that I was miscarrying at the time and attending the scan and subsequent appointments at which we were told the baby was gone. I’m not really sure how someone can forget having lost a child.

Anyway, long story short… I mentioned to dh that I suspect I have a history of ovulating twice a month/releasing multiple eggs and that is why I am experiencing peri menopause at quite an early stage in life. He didn’t understand this at all. He said oh yes, you thought you were going through menopause when you were pregnant with dc1 (I most certainly did not). He just doesn’t seem to understand the concept of women having a finite amount of eggs, and that if indeed I have been releasing two a month on a regular basis they are likely to be expended at a faster rate, leading to menopause. Is this really such an alien concept? I’m not sure if I’m expecting too much? He got the hump at my exasperation and the night has ended on a sour note. It’s upsetting because I wasn’t looking for an argument, just a conversation and some acknowledgment.

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 23/04/2022 23:40

Oh dear! Yeah that's not how it works at all

I guess it's not just men who don't have much clue about it . Plenty of women don't either

DailySheetWasher · 23/04/2022 23:41

You're a good sport to come back, OP.

As a 50yo with meno symptoms I will say this, don't wish yourself into this stage of life. You probably have years and years before actual meno, don't write off any weird things happening to your body as part of it, get them checked out!

FrankGrillosFloof · 23/04/2022 23:42

Noeggsinmybasket · 23/04/2022 23:37

Well this is embarrassing!

I accept that I am in fact an idiot, also lacking in basic understanding. Dh has still been unpleasant though. And yes, as pp said I am probably deflecting.

I’ll give myself a biscuit.

Fair play to you for this response OP. I have also learnt from this thread so thank you.

MrsJBaptiste · 23/04/2022 23:42

I'm not surprised your husband has no idea OP, I'm a woman and have no idea about what you were talking about when mentioning eggs and ovulation 😳

milkyaqua · 23/04/2022 23:43

Carrotten · 23/04/2022 23:36

A 20yr old will have around 300-500000 eggs, most people will develop around 20 each month of which 1 or 2 actually get released, the rest 'die'. A woman on loses around 1000 eggs a month just as she ages

So neither of you really know female anatomy. You haven't gone through early menopause because you ovulate twice a month. Even if you are actually ovulating the 20 a month, that's really a miniscule amount compared to the natural loss as we age

This.

Just read any thread on the menopause board, and you will see how very many women have absolutely no idea about any of it.

There are so many books these days, Dr Jen Gunter's The Menopause Manifesto is a good one. It's subtitle is: own your health with facts and feminism.

Moomeh · 23/04/2022 23:43

I voted yabu because ovulation and menopause are both really complicated - like a pp explained above, your own explanation could be corrected too.

I came on here expecting something like a pp suggested above, that he thought you weed out of your vagina or something. I had a boyfriend at university who thought a) that periods hurt because we are literally bleeding from an internal wound and b) that breasts store milk in all women (not breastfeeding women, just all of us, carrying bags of milk on our fronts) and even c) if you squish one boob the other might inflate slightly. Like a lilo. Because the milk sloshes across. And I dated him for two years, what a waste of my time lol

If your dh is just hazy about menopause and ovulation, that's forgivable because they are complicated and in my limited understanding, there's lots of factors that contribute to early menopause, including that it runs in families

bellac11 · 23/04/2022 23:43

Noeggsinmybasket · 23/04/2022 23:37

Well this is embarrassing!

I accept that I am in fact an idiot, also lacking in basic understanding. Dh has still been unpleasant though. And yes, as pp said I am probably deflecting.

I’ll give myself a biscuit.

I must admit I skim read your OP and didnt pick up on your double egg theory but nevertheless the point still stands that men wont understand menopause ( which I took to be your main gripe)

Why would they to be honest? Its not taught to anyone and really its only in the last few years, luckily for me, that there has been more widespread discussion about it

VladmirsPoutine · 23/04/2022 23:45

To be fair to your husband your logic is also not quite 100% right. Even a lot of women don't know about very basic functions. I had to explain to a woman that we don't urinate and get penetrated in the same place. I think society as a whole disregards women's bodies, not least bodily autonomy but that's a different subject altogether so I wouldn't blame him for it. Even things as simple as sanitary protection; I once had to explain to a good friend that a tampon does not leave you in agony all day i.e. by being up there and if anything is more reliable than just a pad if she feared leaking by sitting in certain positions.

shreddednips · 23/04/2022 23:46

Moomeh · 23/04/2022 23:43

I voted yabu because ovulation and menopause are both really complicated - like a pp explained above, your own explanation could be corrected too.

I came on here expecting something like a pp suggested above, that he thought you weed out of your vagina or something. I had a boyfriend at university who thought a) that periods hurt because we are literally bleeding from an internal wound and b) that breasts store milk in all women (not breastfeeding women, just all of us, carrying bags of milk on our fronts) and even c) if you squish one boob the other might inflate slightly. Like a lilo. Because the milk sloshes across. And I dated him for two years, what a waste of my time lol

If your dh is just hazy about menopause and ovulation, that's forgivable because they are complicated and in my limited understanding, there's lots of factors that contribute to early menopause, including that it runs in families

This has really tickled me 😆 just sloshing from one tit to the other 😆😆😆

HRTQueen · 23/04/2022 23:47

its upsetting that he forgot about your miscarriage (or maybe this is how he deals with things)

I didn’t know until my friend told me you could be peri menopausal and still ovulate have periods regularly and that was only a few months ago. I do and have recently started HRT

we are just not taught anything about peri/menopause at all it’s shocking

Moomeh · 23/04/2022 23:49

shreddednips · 23/04/2022 23:46

This has really tickled me 😆 just sloshing from one tit to the other 😆😆😆

Show quote history

He got a First in engineering from oxbridge and earns megabucks now! I'm so well shot of him though! I think he got all his information about women from porn, before he met me 😣

bellac11 · 23/04/2022 23:51

HRTQueen · 23/04/2022 23:47

its upsetting that he forgot about your miscarriage (or maybe this is how he deals with things)

I didn’t know until my friend told me you could be peri menopausal and still ovulate have periods regularly and that was only a few months ago. I do and have recently started HRT

we are just not taught anything about peri/menopause at all it’s shocking

Yes, i didnt even know there was a 'peri menopause' until I was in it!! And apparently it can go on for 5 to 10 fucking years!!!!!

Kat1953 · 23/04/2022 23:52

I voted yanbu.

Your point about double ovulation isn't one I'd thought of before and I comment on medical accuracy, but its a reasonable assumption. A lot of women are pretty ignorant about their own bodies so I'm not sure you can count on your husband for knowing this.

BUT. Yanbu by his virtue of his complete disinterest in your body, what you tell him, miscarrying his child (I am so sorry for this) and his emotional range of a gnat and general knobbishness. 💐

Sorry1982 · 23/04/2022 23:53

Noeggsinmybasket · 23/04/2022 23:37

Well this is embarrassing!

I accept that I am in fact an idiot, also lacking in basic understanding. Dh has still been unpleasant though. And yes, as pp said I am probably deflecting.

I’ll give myself a biscuit.

This did make me laugh ! First time I’ve laughed in ages ! 😄

impossible · 23/04/2022 23:54

I don't think it works as you describe (though happy to be wrong). As I understand it, a female baby is born with around half a million eggs and by menopause will have run out of functioning eggs. Twice monthly ovulation would only deplete eggs by around 1,000 over 40 years so other factors must be at play.

I suspect you're angry with DH for his general lack of concern about losing twin in pregnancy - and no one could blame you for that. I'm sorry that happened to you.

oakleaffy · 23/04/2022 23:55

Pyri · 23/04/2022 23:22

I think it’s fair that a man doesn’t know this. I asked a group of male friends where they thought girls weed from and they all thought it was from the vagina. Shocked there is another one. I guess cos for men it all comes out the same place?!

Anyway, are you sure you’re not deflecting and actually upset about him forgetting DT2?

The amount of men who call a vulva ''A Vagina'' is just nuts.
How would they like it if we pointed to their penis and said ''Oh look! a testicle!''

Mamanyt · 23/04/2022 23:57

You are probably not quite right about that double ovulation, actually. Female children are born with 1 million ovarian follicles, each containing one immature egg. About half of these are reabsorbed during childhood. That leaves about 500,000 to get you through your child-bearing years. At two eggs per month with double ovulation, you'd have enough eggs to get you through almost 21,000 years.

bellac11 · 23/04/2022 23:58

oakleaffy · 23/04/2022 23:55

The amount of men who call a vulva ''A Vagina'' is just nuts.
How would they like it if we pointed to their penis and said ''Oh look! a testicle!''

Show quote history

Women do that all the time, its probably where men got the idea from thinking that they were getting it right because they were copying their girlfriends/wives.

LeftieLucy · 23/04/2022 23:58

This has really tickled me 😆 just sloshing from one tit to the other 😆😆😆

just like me in my 20s 😂

Mamanyt · 24/04/2022 00:01

I do wish that the new platform had an edit feature! Eggs age as we do, so after a while, they are not as viable as they were. Things begin to break down.

Menopause is not so much related to egg availability as it is the body's production of female hormones. And everyone's hormone levels drop as they age, but there is not really hard-and-fast age that this stops. I've known women who went through menopause in their mid-late 30s, and others still waiting (anxiously) at amost 60.

PrincessPaws · 24/04/2022 00:02

Noeggsinmybasket · 23/04/2022 23:37

Well this is embarrassing!

I accept that I am in fact an idiot, also lacking in basic understanding. Dh has still been unpleasant though. And yes, as pp said I am probably deflecting.

I’ll give myself a biscuit.

Hats off to you OP, for being so gracious

plinkplinkfizzer · 24/04/2022 00:02

LeftieLucy · 23/04/2022 23:58

This has really tickled me 😆 just sloshing from one tit to the other 😆😆😆

just like me in my 20s 😂

😂😂😂I think many of us did!

Hertsgirl10 · 24/04/2022 00:02

I’m so sorry for your loss and your dp’s stupid memory!! I can’t believe that he can forget that you lost a baby, maybe the reason you’re upset is really about that and not him understanding, even if it’s not what you thought i’m sure the subject of the baby passing away is still very raw for you and if your husband is being understanding towards a celebrity and forgetting his own baby, I can see this being very triggering for you and confused things about menopause or what ever else. I hope you’re ok ❤️

DressingGownofDoom · 24/04/2022 00:03

Oh god thinking about this is making my head hurt and now I have questions Grin so I have one ovary and one tube - had the other side removed when I was in my twenties - will I go into early menopause?! No one told me I would but I was very young then so maybe they thought no point in mentioning it?

Hertsgirl10 · 24/04/2022 00:07

oakleaffy · 23/04/2022 23:55

The amount of men who call a vulva ''A Vagina'' is just nuts.
How would they like it if we pointed to their penis and said ''Oh look! a testicle!''

Show quote history

@oakleaffy

I really don’t think they would give a shit, same as most women wouldn’t cos I have definitely heard a vulva being called a lot worse, by men and women.

Do women really get offended by a vulva being called a vagina? I mean is it really that upsetting, it’s just body parts. People can get bones mixed up or muscles and it’s not really that deep, it’s not something that would annoy me particularly.