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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my own bed on holiday

281 replies

littlepieces · 23/04/2022 14:16

I'm going to Lisbon for a long weekend in July, meeting up with two great friends I haven't seen for about 4 years; one lives in LA, the other is in Dublin (I'm in London). We booked a villa with four double bedrooms to accommodate LA friend and her husband, their friends (another couple) who I've met a few times and are lovely, then Dublin friend and me would each have our own rooms.

LA friend has just announced that she's invited another couple, hope that's OK with everyone. And possibly some other friend might sleep on the sofa bed for two nights?! This now means me and Dublin friend will be sharing a queen size bed. Now I adore Dublin friend but I'm 35 and want my own bed. Also she's 6'2, snores loads, and is always the one last to bed drunk, and freakishly early to rise. I'm a loser and like my sleep 😄. I'm thinking of suggesting to book my own place, but think this might go down badly. Something similar happened with another group of friends years ago on a trip to New York - they had people sleeping on the floor in a grotty, overpriced Airbnb with rats, while I stayed in a really nice, new hostel with private rooms. They were all a bit offended and caused some bad feeling.

OP posts:
Nsky62 · 23/04/2022 16:14

Def, very cheeky, the whole thing changes to couples and two singles, very selfish

SwishSwishBisch · 23/04/2022 16:16

No advice but this is reminding me of my last job - we got bought by n American company who - when inviting some of us to the annual leadership away day - casually informed us it was the norm to share a room with a colleague. We all presented a united front and said that wasn’t the done thing in England Grin Maybe it’s an American thing!?!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/04/2022 16:17

Yes to this. My SIL runs a hotel with apartments. They had a booking for 4 women to share one, and 17 turned up! She was told “you’d better sort out extra beds as we’re not sleeping on the floor”. She replied “no you’re not.....as you’re not booked in here and need to find another hotel”.

Wait, what?! They not only expected your SIL to have another 13 beds/bed spaces available to magic up - that will actually fit in the available space for an apartment for 4 (highly unlikely) - but they were crossly trying to make out that she was the unreasonable one for not being prepared for more than 4-times over-occupancy at the last minute?! Goodness, some people!

tomatorich112 · 23/04/2022 16:17

My response would be " no issue with extras but I need my own room, I'm peri menopausal and too old to share a room...how are you seeing this work? are they sharing with you..blow up bed?"

EwwSprouts · 23/04/2022 16:18

LA friend is taking liberties. You don't ask ask randomers along without checking first. Agree with a PP it's turning into LA posse takeover.

GrumpyPanda · 23/04/2022 16:18

LividLaVidaLoca · 23/04/2022 14:19

Have you paid?

I think you need to shut this down early. How about a breezy “Ha, have they found somewhere to stay yet? At my age I need my own room, i’m
sure you understand”.

This. I wouldn't even concede an inch here. Been there, done that. Maybe ask if she's putting them up in her bedroom?

DaizyDee · 23/04/2022 16:19

Not only are you not BU, I no longer even share a room with anyone if I'm on holiday. I can't get to sleep with anyone else in the room and anyone snoring or getting up to go to the loo in the night would have me awake until morning. I wouldn't put up with this for a moment.

Midlifemusings · 23/04/2022 16:22

I agree with the others. I would send a message saying it would be lovely to meet your friends but this place only has four rooms and with you and DH in one, Friend A and B in the second, and Dublin and I in the third and fourth, I am not sure this place is big enough for a few more guests. I would then ask if she wants to look for a larger place or how best to move forward?

KettrickenSmiled · 23/04/2022 16:24

As somebody who is happily married, I detest the way that so many people will infantilise single adults and just see them as 'spares' to slot in wherever suits them

Right on, @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll !

When married, I took pains to 'house' my single pals in their own private spaces, even if that was a yoga mat in a teeny weeny dressing room. Or providing them their own pup-tent if it was a summer party. (Only the female pals tho', I'm a sexist arse like that).

When single, I've been known to commandeer a utility room floor rather than share. I don't wanna, I'm exactly the same adult I was when lumbered with a giant parasite married, & ...
[draws breath, recites calming mantra] ... really appreciate your insight re: "infantalisation", Buffet.

BritWifeInUSA · 23/04/2022 16:25

And I would have reported the AirBnb in New York (assuming you mean New York City, not the rest of the state of New York) if it was a flat because that’s illegal. Short-term (less than 30 days) unhosted rentals in a building of 3 or more separate flats are illegal in New York City.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/04/2022 16:25

I'd go with the line that "It's very kind of you trying to find a way to save Dublin and me some money, but neither of us want to take you up on that, thank you - we're on holiday, so we're happy to spend the agreed amount and have our own agreed accommodation; we wish you'd asked us first."

When they reply that they were hoping to save everybody money, play dim and ask why ever they would be paying less when they're still getting the same deal you all agreed - and also they are the ones who've had their choice of additional friends, whereas Dublin and you are seriously losing out in terms of accommodation and the dynamic changing with you now having to share with strangers.

Genuine friends don't do things like this; only CFs do.

HermioneKipper · 23/04/2022 16:28

Oh god no. No way would I be bunking up with anyone anymore. Too old for that. Need to spread out in my own bed and not have to curl up and keep to one side. Gah!

Definitely tell the cheeky buggers that you need your own room OP

BlackAndPinkNose · 23/04/2022 16:29

As a PP has suggested, I would put this back on them with the assumption that as they were inviting others along then they should be the ones to share, not you.

ParisNoir · 23/04/2022 16:29

Absolutely NO WAY would I pay for a holiday abroad and then not get my own bed. I'd make it crystal clear I wouldnt be sharing or I'd pull out and get my money back.

How dare they even suggest it- bloody rude AF

ThinWomansBrain · 23/04/2022 16:32

SHe asked if it's OK with everyone - tell her it isnt, unless if the additional people have found somewhere to stay, or they're sharing LA friends' room, in which case you are still not happy because it puts additional strain on bathrooms, etc.
Either they sort accommodation elsewhere, she uninvites them, or you cancel, and she picks up any costs that you loese on flights - BUT you are not sharing.

phizog · 23/04/2022 16:34

They were all a bit offended and caused some bad feeling.

I would really doubt such people were friends - if they would rather you were uncomfortable and not sleeping well, just so they get cheap accommodation. If they have form for this (seems they do), it feels like they aren't really interested in catching up with you, but in adding bodies so the cost of everything reduces. It's the only reason I can think of why they'd be pissed off with you wanting your own place.

Maybe avoid holidays with them in the future if they can't be sensible or considerate of your needs.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/04/2022 16:36

As a PP has suggested, I would put this back on them with the assumption that as they were inviting others along then they should be the ones to share, not you.

Yes, I wouldn't even bother with the justifications that some PP have suggested as to why you need your own room and 'I'm sure you understand' - just assume that, if they have invited others along when there are no spare rooms available, they've obviously decided to share their 'portion'.

I wouldn't even be happy with the suggestion that the communal living room should become somebody's bedroom, giving less flexibility to use it and feeling you can't stay up later reading, chatting or watching TV once somebody wants to go to bed. In reality, even using it in the daytime will become awkward.

If they splutter as to how on earth you think that three couples will be able to share one room with one bed in it, I'd just say that, yes, that one was a bit of a puzzler to you too, but you assumed they must have some genius plan and/or inflatable beds to bring with them when they invited all of those extra people to share their room.

You don't get to deliberately create a problem and then make it somebody else's to solve.

GrumpyPanda · 23/04/2022 16:37

tomatoandherbs · 23/04/2022 15:55

It’s not always been illegal

Show quote history

Not AirBnB, but holiday subletting has been illegal in NYC as far back as the early 80s.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2022 16:39

Are you paying per room op? Or are you an your Dublin friend getting the smaller rooms?

Tschecked · 23/04/2022 16:39

Joining the chorus of "not fucking likely!". I would not pay. I would not go. My own room or nothing.

ImInStealthMode · 23/04/2022 16:40

@tomatoandherbs Airbnb don't seem arsed about the law...

To want my own bed on holiday
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/04/2022 16:46

I recall something I read ages ago (can't remember where), where a man grew up in a home that was run as a B&B. No problem there, except that his parents would frequently squeeze in an extra paying customer by letting them have his - their DS's - room, rather than saying "Sorry, no vacancies" once all their actual letting rooms were full. Their DS was then relegated to a mattress in the garage, on a regular basis - they got to keep their own private room as normal, of course.

The man was recounting this in a way to suggest that it was kind of lighthearted, but plainly evident that it had really upset him throughout his childhood.

LA 'friends' rather remind me of those parents.

Londongent · 23/04/2022 16:48

Am sure that the villa would have a max occupancy rate. If the owner found out they or all of you could be chucked out of the villa

KettrickenSmiled · 23/04/2022 16:48

How are you gonna tackle this OP? Hope it isn't causing you too much stress or over-thinking. It's nice to see all the Very British Outrage on your coming out here on your behalf!

I've wound myself up to high irritation had another little think about the appallingly high-handed email from LA. I think you are well within your rights to reply -

"I'm not OK with this actually - the lack of consultation before you going ahead & changing the entire dynamic of the reunion without so much as consulting me or Dublin has left me feeling a bit bamboozled.
Are you expecting me to give up my room to house these extra bodies, or will you arrange to book your 3 extra friends in elsewhere? Because while I don't want to feel unwelcoming toward any friend of yours, I'd rather you found them the extra space they'll need without imposing on me or changing the plan we'd agreed on without notice.
If your new plan is to have your friends stay in our planned accommodation, I'll cancel my share of that, & book something else. We'll still see each other as usual through the day, & I'm sure it'll be fun to meet your friends - but you don't get to impose this on me as a fait accompli.
Let me know your thoughts - regards"

AND - obvs! - cc: Dublin

DelphiniumBlue · 23/04/2022 16:49

My experience is that you have to be very clear that you will not share a room/bed, that you will not come or book somewhere else if you don't have your own space.
This happened to me on a work trip not so long ago, even though I had previously said the that the only condition of me going was that I got my own room. They didn't think I was serious, it made logistics difficult for everyone else etc etc. I just re-iterated that I was not sharing a room, and would pull out if necessary. At that point they took me seriously.
So don't say you would prefer not to or anything that is open to interpretation or persuasion. Just say you will not be sharing, hope they are not assuming that you are? They will need to arrange for the newly invited extras to stay elsewhere.
You are not at all being unreasonable. Unless it is a free trip.