To want my own bed on holiday

[littlepieces]

I'm going to Lisbon for a long weekend in July, meeting up with two great friends I haven't seen for about 4 years; one lives in LA, the other is in Dublin (I'm in London). We booked a villa with four double bedrooms to accommodate LA friend and her husband, their friends (another couple) who I've met a few times and are lovely, then Dublin friend and me would each have our own rooms.

LA friend has just announced that she's invited another couple, hope that's OK with everyone. And possibly some other friend might sleep on the sofa bed for two nights?! This now means me and Dublin friend will be sharing a queen size bed. Now I adore Dublin friend but I'm 35 and want my own bed. Also she's 6'2, snores loads, and is always the one last to bed drunk, and freakishly early to rise. I'm a loser and like my sleep 😄. I'm thinking of suggesting to book my own place, but think this might go down badly. Something similar happened with another group of friends years ago on a trip to New York - they had people sleeping on the floor in a grotty, overpriced Airbnb with rats, while I stayed in a really nice, new hostel with private rooms. They were all a bit offended and caused some bad feeling.

I'd go with an innocent-sounding "But where are they going to sleep? All the bedrooms are allocated? Are they all going to be in the lounge?"
Then she what she says.
And do it ASAP.... so you have time to decide what you want to do depending on her answer.

Has Dublin friend said anything? I agree with the message asking where they are planning on sleeping. And if she says they are taking a full bedroom then maybe you and Dublin need to look for a 2 bed apartment nearby seeing as she has practically filled the original place with her extra friends.

Why are you worried about upsetting your friends by booking your own place when it's they who have changed the arrangements without asking you first?

You weren't unreasonable in New York either. Airbnb is illegal in Manhattan so in the same situation I'd have booked my own (legit and legal) accommodation even if there had been a room for me.

Yanbu. I would ask your friend where they intend to sleep. Also don't the couple she's invited feel awkward? Do they think there's an extra room or are they aware that you'll have to share? I would not be happy.

There’s a bit of a couples vs single narrative going on here. Those in couples effectively get their own space yet the lowly singletons are expected to share - I wouldn’t like this at all unless it was a massive room with single beds. I couldn’t share a bed, I need my space and would feel really awkward and wouldn’t sleep well at all and don’t think it’s great that she’s expecting you to share a bed smaller than a double. YANBU

Your friend did say "They hope that's ok with everyone else".

Asking in advance "Would it be OK with everybody if I were to....?" is completely different from arranging something/inviting people anyway and then chucking in a "hope that's OK with you" after the event.

In a situation like this, where it's highly unlikely to be OK with others, it's basically saying "Stuff you" but with a supposedly-polite veneer. In fact, it's actually worse to say that - effectively "I have done this and am now pressuring you not to cavil and look like you are the unreasonable one" rather than just telling people that you've done it and leaving it open for them to complain.

LA friend has just announced that she's invited another couple, hope that's OK with everyone

"Hi LA friend - OK with me so long as having another couple along doesn't mean I lose the solo bedroom I'm looking forward to.
As I've already booked/paid I want this to stay first-come first-served, because otherwise I am going to end up sharing a bed or a floor like the other singles on our LA trip. And that is not the holiday rest I've been looking forward to!
Cheers
Littlepieces"

My gut feeling is that if you don't speak very plainly, you are gonna get "relegated" as a single in favour of the couple. Stand up for yourself! Your money & your booking & your enjoyment of a good night's sleep in private sleep is just as valid as everyone else's.

LA is a CF btw.
If she gives you any pushback or guilt trip, tell her you're gobsmacked at her entitlement in allocating the room you are paying for to somebody else, & will arrange your own accommodation.

You have my sympathies - such hard work navigating these CF's without them getting all huffy & DARVO about it - hence your worry that asserting yourself will go down badly. Assert away. It's your holiday, your money, & you are as deserving of a private room as anyone else.
In fact - more deserving than those who have been 'added on' by LA friend without consultation - you have every right to NOT have your room in effect taken away from you by this bossy friend.

It’s not always been illegal

good night's sleep in private sleep

good night's sleep in a private room

@tomatoandherbs Ah apologies then. I didn't know how far back the OP's stay was. It was illegal in 2016 when I was last there; some friends there at the same time booked an Airbnb and I remember being a bit appalled

The thing is even if they sleep on the sofa/ find a blow up be from somewhere there are still going to be three extra people in the space, three more wanting to use the shower, three more finding somewhere to sit, three more …you get the picture. That is practically doubling the occupancy, are they planning on halving your contribution to the cost of the apartment? I bet they aren’t, it’s a cheap sleep for them, and a bloody inconvenience for you. The three extras need to find their own accommodation.

Yes to this. My SIL runs a hotel with apartments. They had a booking for 4 women to share one, and 17 turned up! She was told “you’d better sort out extra beds as we’re not sleeping on the floor”. She replied “no you’re not.....as you’re not booked in here and need to find another hotel”.

I’d respond by saying ‘ I don’t have an issue in principle but if you and your husband are giving up your room for new couple, where are you planning to sleep?’

I’d go further than that. This is not a reunion anymore. This is an LA posse with you and Dublin as tagalongs. The very last thing I want to do on holiday is make an effort with people I don’t know. That’s not a holiday - that’s just more work. Listen, you have booked precious annual leave and spent a lot of money to do this. It’s ok to say, “The goalposts have shifted and this isn’t the reunion we agreed. Dublin and I will book another apartment and we can meet up while we’re there. I need my own space and room and don’t fancy spending the weekend tripping over strangers in the living room.”

Sharing a room, let alone a bed, would make this a deal breaker for me. But even with a bigger place or if LA friend said she and her DH would share with new couple I would be annoyed. I think LA friend bringing over another couple whom you don’t know could make it a very different dynamic. It sounds like LA friends is going to know everyone well and the rest of you will be in orbit around her.

30s way too old for all that - sleep is needed! Book yourself somewhere lovely x

This is perfect.

Except the we needs changing to you.

LA friend created the problem - LA gets to be the one to solve it.

This sounds like the sort of holiday you have when you’re 18-25. It would be a no from me. I can’t even stand to share the bed with my husband half the time!

Nah. Fuck that. I wouldn't be going!

The person who invited the extra guests shares THEIR room with them

"Sorry I have a bowel condition and need my own room as I break wind all night"

The problem with that is that it doesn't affect them at all, so why should they care? In their hijack scenario, only Dublin friend will suffer from your noxious trumps, so they would probably see it as something that you two will need to 'find a solution' for - any solution, as long as only you two have to suffer the consequences and it makes no difference to them.

As somebody who is happily married, I detest the way that so many people will infantilise single adults and just see them as 'spares' to slot in wherever suits them. Choosing to share a bed with a spouse/partner (and some couples don't even find this works for them) is entirely different from being 'allocated' an ersatz partner to share with. It's starting from a point of having two people who want to share and then finding a suitable bed for them; not seeing what beds you have and finding a way to fill them, like you were packing boxes for moving house.

If LA ‘friends’ are so keen on randoms sharing beds, ask them to have the two women from the couples sharing one bed and the men sharing the other, so that everybody has to be just as uncomfortable and awkward in sharing beds with a non-spouse/partner and not just the ones who haven’t made that decision for others. I can’t see why they’d object to that, surely….

are you sure?
Air bnb was posting an new York apartments because it was illegal

so how did they book an air bnb when none available on air bnb!

Air bnb was NOT listing

i meant to say

Yes to this. My SIL runs a hotel with apartments. They had a booking for 4 women to share one, and 17 turned up! She was told “you’d better sort out extra beds as we’re not sleeping on the floor”. She replied “no you’re not.....as you’re not booked in here and need to find another hotel”.
😂😂😍

I like your SiL's style @magicstar1