Needy Neighbour - still - again

[LoveMyPiano]

Disclosure - I have written about this situation before, and do try to keep out of it, but it keeps evolving as these things do. Note also, that I did agree to be her baby's Godmother [last minute request], but baby has now been adopted, and no more contact.

The very first time I wrote about this, I was told by some that I was over-invested and have a saviour-complex (I wish...), and as I have said above, I obviously did not succeed in creating, if not actual, at least figurative distance.

The young woman who lives next door (she in small apartments - 8 total; me in s/d house alongside) is someone I have known OF for quite a few years. I am old enough to be her mother (my own daughter is 5 years older than her); she has adoptive parents who live a little distance away (n/c with birth parents or family) but they are very very cold with her, although do help with lifts and things and (are supposed to) take care of her money (benefits are paid to them and they give hr an allowance - NOTE, I have just found out that they are not keping on top of her household bills, as agreed, as debt collectors have shown up for BG and a pre-paymet meter is going in to clear unpaid amounts).
She is relying on me very heavily and as other people cut her off, and cut her out, it is falling to me. She comes round to my friend's (where I am from about 8:45pm) apartment (he is in the same complex), usually in a distressed state over her "boyfriend" (babydaddy - he is a bit useless really) - and we are both too "nice" to turn her away ; then she justs sits or stands in the living room, going over and over the same things (she does not take advice on board, she just wants to be agreed with over this man and hear her own voice). She usually interrupts the late evening meal we might be about to eat, and does not care.

I cannot leave my house without her coming out to get me to help her with something. Or, she seems to appear when I return..... And I have been very snappish with her, but she is not deterred - and then anyway I feel terrible and cannot focus on what I was meant to be doing (which I realise is my own weakness and stupidity). I am now disproportionatey anxious over this (as, as I have tried to explain to her, her dramatics (and they CAN be - and she usually involved the Police herself....) can be on top of something else that I am trying to figure out in my own life at that time.

I cannot seem to get the balnce right - and I think I AM looking on here for someone to rant to myself (so in a way, like my neighbour....). It is just not easy to detach when there is no physical escape, and everything I think of that might help would actually result in further involevemnt, not less.
[And I do like to think that I am somewhat kind and (was) reasonably patient.]

Example, last night, we were just about tp eat - about 9:40 (very bad itself, and another issue of mine) and she appeared at the patio door (even though sheer curtains were drawn) waving her phone at me to speak to her Social Worker. She fell on the floor crying, and put her head on my knees, and was freezing cold, having been walking aroun the village (looking for the bf I think....) in her dressing gown. She didnt leave until 10:30 - and I believe she didn't settle at home even then, as her gate was open at minight (a bad sign).

For whatever advice I am seeking (and yes, I DO want to move/not easy - as this is very much a proximity issue, I don't think she respects me or my opionion or feelings at all....), please don't tell me to Get a Life, or that I am over-invested, because I do really try not to be.

But...... Heeeelp.....?
Please

I would report her to social services. She is not coping with an independent life.

Social Services. Did you not say this to the social worker if you spoke to them on the phone?

Sounds awful OP.

I think you are being harrassed by this mentally vulnerable women.

Unfortunately the choices you have are involve the police or look to move.

She has no interest in you or your point of view.

She is fixated on her needs totally.

Until you decide to take firm action, this situation will remain.

I feel very sorry for you, but there is no easy fix.

She does not sound well at all. What happened during the conversation with her social worker?

Yes, I have thought that. And they must know..... as the SW she was on the phone to is one I spoke to shen NDN moved in (March/April last year) and at that time, she told me, "She wants to live indpendently; as an adult, we can't change that...." (or words to that effect).

Police are regularly out (three times last week) - called, as I said, by N herself (???) and they HAVE to attend, due to the words she chooses to use. The Police and SW communicate with one another, so all are in the picture.

She isn't coping and probably never will (but can give a good impression of somethimes doing OK); this has happened before, and she was simply moved from where she was (neighbours ganged up and complianed....) to where she is now.

Perversely, I could help her better/be more patient were she not right next door (and this applies for my friend too). But it is still a trial. If I go into the village centre - she will show up and shout to me like a dog, and appear in nearly every shop I go in.... (She is very loud, and I hate that the first thing I say to her is "Shush".)

Ring the social worker she isnt coping she is self sabotaging is she self harming? Are you concerned for her physical safety?

I agree, unfortunately. And I do think I have made a rod for my own back, as they say. So may people are horrible to her to make her leave them alone - I do not want to be another (I am capable of it - but it makes me feel quite sick if I am.)

She does have (mild....she says) Learning Difficulties, and something called Attachment Disorder. Which I do try to take into account. (Other things as well, which she does not agree with.)

I have got the feeling that the SW thinks I am a busybody (grrr), when actually,for example, last night, the phone was pushed at me (SW on line already, on a late shift, sounded weary of it....) - although the exchange was not much use. I do intend to try during sensible hours, to have a talk with her.

When there are Police incidents, I will worry enormously - and then hear that she was shopping in the village or on the bus on her way somewhere the next day - as though nothing had happened!

She threatens to harm herself. A LOT.

In part key words for Police to attend (which is what she wants) - but also, maybe she does mean it on some level. Perish the thought - and why I can't ignore....

All she wants is someone to agree with her about her "bf" and how bad he is to her (yes, even SW, Police, anyone.....). It would not have been easy to tell the SW how troubling and, frankly, annoying it all is, while she was sitting right there next to me. I am hoping that I can have that kind of conversation during business hours - but hard when I only have a mobile number.

I think you need to take a very tough line with this person. Keep your doors locked and blinds drawn. Don't answer the door and don't answer her calls. It sounds harsh and you sound a thoroughly decent person but this person is NOT your problem. Leave it to the police and social services and her own family to deal with. Sadly it seems you need to work on being a less decent and caring human being!!

Nothing much - due to NDN sitting next to me and, to be honest, SW sounding exhausted. I do intend to try, fwiw, on Monday, to have a better chat.
I think she should be on medication - not sure if she is taking it.

I am making a list for her of ways to help herself - and checking that is going at the top.

General thoughts in the area [everyone knows her or of her], my friends and I, are that she whould be in Supported Accommodation (harsher people think she should be "in a home") - but apparently, she has the right to choose not to be.

She sounds as if she has complex needs. But she is not your responsibility and it doesnt sound as if she can or will get better. She causes all this drama and whilst others are exhausted she is fine.

You need to ignore her or tell her to go away, leave you alone. The way this is going the Social worker might encourage you to be responsible for her.

This is good advice. Difficult and no doubt you will feel awful, but you have to break her dependency on you.

You’re just going to have to start saying no to her OP. I know it’s hard. Next time she’s on your patio at 10pm, say “I’m sorry you can’t come in, I can’t help you”. If you are worried, call the police to say there is a woman in distress outside your home. It know it feels cruel, but the alternative is for you to continue in this role, which you really don’t want.

In fact, there is a rule - which she by and large abides by, that MY house is off limits. It is my friend's apartment that is unfortunately accessible to her, as they are within the same (gated/locked) complex and she can therefore just come to his patio doors - usually looking fo me, but also to pester him for something as well sometimes.

But as soon as I leave my house (car is on the road right outside), or come back in my car (and she knows my schedule pretty much) - I am fair game to her. And it has been these times when I have lost my cool as I cannot even get to my house (or leave, and I am usually late) without having something of hers to deal with. I have then raised my voice/been dimissive (which =unkind) - but the damage has been done, and it is me who then has a panic attack (ridiculously!) when I get inside, or on my way.

Whilst taking this hard line approach maybe you could have your friend around to you house instead of going to their apartment? Maybe you could change your schedule/ routine a bit do that she doesn't know when to turn up?
Apologies, this might not be possible as I am not aware of your friend's circumstances or your commitments. I just think whilst changing some of your day to day behaviours could be a faff it'll be easier than moving away!

Great suggestions, in an ideal world..... But certainly his routine cannot change. And I know that she would get me at some point no mater what. If he came here, she wuld start to violate the boundaries, I am sure. Her apartament is in between his, and my house; she only needs to look out of her window, spot one or the other of us, she she is out like lightning.

Are you the same lady who posted quite some months back about cooking for a friend in his messy kitchen, and there not being enough pressure cookers (or something?) and some ho-hah about a horse yard where your ex-horse used to live? Something about this, and the writing style rings the same. And I seem to remember mention of a problem young woman neighbour then.

This was maybe last summer/autumn? If you ARE that poster, what has changed since then (if anything?) Because it still sounds like you are cooking for (and eating late with) male friend, which you wanted to stop doing.

As difficult as it undoubtedly is, it seems like you maybe have some issues yourself around boundaries. People will keep taking advantage of them, if you keep letting them.
Have one final conversation with weird neighbour girl, write her a letter if needs me, but CUT HER OFF. When she comes knocking on your window late in the evening (the hell?! That's not normal), tell her you're going to call the police, and DO IT. Get a restraining order. Something. She does not need to be your problem. Yes, it's very sad that she has no one else, but again, Not Your Problem. You have let her become your problem, but you can reverse that if you really wanted to.

But honestly? I'd just move. Stop finding excuses not to, and actively start putting things in place to make it happen. If you truly wanted to get away from her AND male "friend" who leeches off you, you'd make it happen.
Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem, is with money.

This sounds so hard OP.

If you don't have the SW details, I recommend writing an email to the general social care inbox in your area. If you include the woman's details it'll find the way to her caseworker.

IME it is far easier to explain such a complex situation via email, and especially with social workers who are jumping from one fire to another, they can property process your concerns.

Also make sure you outline the impact this situation is having on you and the fact that it is unsustainable. If it goes further I would even discuss the need for a restraining order, as this is on the way to becoming a form of harassment. Explain this explicitly to SW.

Whilst I feel for this woman, she is having a huge negative impact on you and your life which needs to stop.

You have fallen in up to your neck and escape will be difficult but not impossible. You are really going to have to harden your heart and start thinking about your own mental health, rather than hers. I had a similar problem with a close relative with addiction and mental problems, and if I hadn't withdrawn from the situation (and passed it on to social services) it would have been both of us requiring a psychiatrist, instead of just him! Your neighbour is never going to 'take the hint' or stop needing you. If fact I would think the more you give the more she will take, until you are a dried out husk unable to give more, and then she will move onto someone else. She is not your responsibility.
In your situation I would tell her I was withdrawing all contact from now on, and then do so. I would seriously consider taking out an injunction against her as well. Then, being someone who would hate the constant angst and worry this would cause (because she would probably end up being arrested for breaching the injunction if you get that type) I would move house. You have got to get your life back. You can't live like this.

I remember your earlier threads about this woman, and your complex relationship with your neighbouring friend, too. It sounds as though you are still far too enmeshed with both these people, and it is decidedly to your own detriment.

I think you need to have a conversation with your neighbour and her social worker IN FRONT OF THE NEIGHBOUR where you make it clear that you aren’t taking responsibility for your neighbours well-being, and that she isn’t coping independently. Be very, very straightforward and say you are unable to provide the level of support that your neighbour needs, and will not be doing it any longer. Then social services will not be able to say that she is being supported in the community, and will have to step in themselves.

You aren’t doing her any favours by continuing to offer this level of well-meaning, and I am sure appreciated, but non-specialist support. She clearly needs intervention on a number of fronts and with the best will in the world, you’re not best placed to do it. And you don’t want to! That’s a good enough reason to stop, too.

In the medium term, you really, really need to move house. I know you’ve said before that it’s not easy, but these people are taking so much of your life that you have to make more effort to get away, before you lose yourself entirely.

Call the SW and tell her that you can't cope with her constant demands and you're going to stop. Refuse to have any further involvement with the SW. This girl is wearing you down, your life is not your own, she is not your responsibility. and you've also dragged your friend into it. You need to stop. That way the SW/Police will have to deal and might eventually lead her to getting the appropriate support. While she's relying on you, no one else has to. Or, just accept this is your life now. Doesn't sound like there's any half measures.

What would your advice be if your daughter was in your shoes? I presume that you didn't give birth to her to not live her own life, so why are you giving up your life?

^^ This
I was involved professionally with someone like this. I wasn't their key worker but they needed physical rehab and I was the therapist. Unfortunately they lived very close to me and we used the same shops and pub. There are no half measures and you will have to refuse point blank to be involved and keep refusing. There is NOTHING that you can do to help. If you don't want to end up hopelessly entangled then start to refuse and ignore. If she harasses you call the police. Tell your friend in the other apartment that this is what you will do and encourage them to do the do the same.

I also think social services,to support her and also to stop the financial abuse from her parents