Needy Neighbour - still - again

[LoveMyPiano]

Disclosure - I have written about this situation before, and do try to keep out of it, but it keeps evolving as these things do. Note also, that I did agree to be her baby's Godmother [last minute request], but baby has now been adopted, and no more contact.

The very first time I wrote about this, I was told by some that I was over-invested and have a saviour-complex (I wish...), and as I have said above, I obviously did not succeed in creating, if not actual, at least figurative distance.

The young woman who lives next door (she in small apartments - 8 total; me in s/d house alongside) is someone I have known OF for quite a few years. I am old enough to be her mother (my own daughter is 5 years older than her); she has adoptive parents who live a little distance away (n/c with birth parents or family) but they are very very cold with her, although do help with lifts and things and (are supposed to) take care of her money (benefits are paid to them and they give hr an allowance - NOTE, I have just found out that they are not keping on top of her household bills, as agreed, as debt collectors have shown up for BG and a pre-paymet meter is going in to clear unpaid amounts).
She is relying on me very heavily and as other people cut her off, and cut her out, it is falling to me. She comes round to my friend's (where I am from about 8:45pm) apartment (he is in the same complex), usually in a distressed state over her "boyfriend" (babydaddy - he is a bit useless really) - and we are both too "nice" to turn her away ; then she justs sits or stands in the living room, going over and over the same things (she does not take advice on board, she just wants to be agreed with over this man and hear her own voice). She usually interrupts the late evening meal we might be about to eat, and does not care.

I cannot leave my house without her coming out to get me to help her with something. Or, she seems to appear when I return..... And I have been very snappish with her, but she is not deterred - and then anyway I feel terrible and cannot focus on what I was meant to be doing (which I realise is my own weakness and stupidity). I am now disproportionatey anxious over this (as, as I have tried to explain to her, her dramatics (and they CAN be - and she usually involved the Police herself....) can be on top of something else that I am trying to figure out in my own life at that time.

I cannot seem to get the balnce right - and I think I AM looking on here for someone to rant to myself (so in a way, like my neighbour....). It is just not easy to detach when there is no physical escape, and everything I think of that might help would actually result in further involevemnt, not less.
[And I do like to think that I am somewhat kind and (was) reasonably patient.]

Example, last night, we were just about tp eat - about 9:40 (very bad itself, and another issue of mine) and she appeared at the patio door (even though sheer curtains were drawn) waving her phone at me to speak to her Social Worker. She fell on the floor crying, and put her head on my knees, and was freezing cold, having been walking aroun the village (looking for the bf I think....) in her dressing gown. She didnt leave until 10:30 - and I believe she didn't settle at home even then, as her gate was open at minight (a bad sign).

For whatever advice I am seeking (and yes, I DO want to move/not easy - as this is very much a proximity issue, I don't think she respects me or my opionion or feelings at all....), please don't tell me to Get a Life, or that I am over-invested, because I do really try not to be.

But...... Heeeelp.....?
Please

I’ve probably name changed three or four times since I commented on your previous threads. It’s very normal to do so, regularly, on fora.

Your story, though, is so unusual that it would be impossible for anyone who had read one of your earlier threads not to connect the two. I’ve never come across anyone else who lives next door to a small block of housing association flats, keeps their piano next door with a male neighbour from whom they want to extricate themselves but can’t, and is also overly involved with a female neighbour who is mentally unwell and causes trouble all the time.

It’s not a story one encounters every day!

Thank you @Pigglesworth for such an informative and in-depth reply. And I see how that can have happened in the case you describe, and the similarities in my situation.

I didn't mean it to sound as though she is screaming about ending it all just when I personally don't respond to her (although on whatever Bank Holiday it was this week, she did have the Police out, and earlier I had brushed her off - but it is likely that she got herself in a state anyway; however, i did ask myself if, if I had heard her out - would she have taken it to that level. Maybe she would have, regardless. That has happened before.) - I cannot be that important. There are usually other causes that she has built up in her mind.

I do not see myself as a child in her and her behaviour. Althhough there is a common thread of rejection - and I for SURE did not have (or need, I don't think) anyone to help me the way i am helping her. EVER. So there may be a (well-hidden) maternal streak that has not been full extinguished.

She is mentally disabled, and I was/AM not. My IQ (fwiw) is double hers - not that THAT has got me far either.

I do "suffer" from what I call Inverse Narcissim, in that, I ONLY see myself how others see me (I think it is decscrinbed as an external focus of identity) and therefore I guess need people to approve of me for whatever reason, otherwise I do not apppove of myself/or eve exist. This is lifelong and deeply ingrained [but I only recently figuredit out), and does not usually hurt ayone except me. And it would never have really occured to me that the low-level help I have offered (and now resent, sadly) would be harmful. So, I do consider myself educated on that.

Sooner or later, the "woe is me" comes through, I am ashamed to say; I do try to keep a lid on it.

@FloraPostePosts Right. I understand now. Which means that you could see my previous posts through your own posting history, not mine...
Problem with that is that I don;t know who people are who have posted previously with a different name and are now a bit pissed I didn't follow through with their advice. Or it seems that I am repeating myself. (Which I am - L.O.L.)

Excuse typing/mistakes. Bloody keyboard - wants me to stop posting as well.

I didn’t even have to look at my own posting history. Your stories lodged in my memory. But no, a search by anyone else won’t show posts made under your previous screen names.

I think about people with whom I engage on here often, because it’s an advice forum. I offer advice, and wonder how the people I have tried to help are getting on. That’s why people get irritated at seeing the same story posted over and over with no sign the person seeking advice has taken it on board, or attempted to move on from their problems: because they are invested in helping that person do so.

I am sure you are just as memorable to other posters, too.

But I don't know who you were/are......

And am very sorry if I didn't follow your advice. Even so, am thankful for it/all advice offered previously.
I am still - obviously - stuck, but not because I want to be.

I am still - obviously - stuck, but not because I want to be.

What is the reason, then, do you think?

No worries. To be clear I didn't mean that her presentation is like you as a child, but more that you mentioned others not hearing/being kind to you as a child and the impact that had on you, and now "being nice" and appearing to "hear" or "help" her is a drive that you are finding very difficult to shake. But "being kind" to her I think needs to look very different- i.e. stepping back and letting the professionals be fully aware of her needs and responsible for dealing with them, rather than reinforcing dysfunctional patterns and partially concealing her needs. And hurting yourself in the process. I'm glad that my post has been helpful, listening to Janina relate that experience was very meaningful to me. Reflecting on ourselves and our needs/drives/motivations is very painful I find but the key to a fuller, more authentic/congruent and happier life, though very challenging to shift ingrained patterns of behaviour.

Because I have nowhere to go - and no money to do it.
And because, "Wherever you go, you take yourself with you".
and because I am Me.

fwiw, I too remember your story from at least one of your previous threads, OP. Even though I didn't offer advice myself but simply because of the utter craziness of it all. Your whole situation, and your attitude and constant excuses, are totally and extraordinarily exasperating. And impossible to forget...

You need to ignore the mentally ill NDN.
You need to get your piano back and cut the male 'friend' out of your life.

Live your own life, in your own home, and stop trying to be 'kind' to people who are making you utterly miserable and who are robbing you of your life.
And get counselling for yourself. This is essential.

OP, what else do you do with your time? Being 'nice' is a wonderful characteristic to have but you are being nice to the wrong people. Is there a local church, charity or organisation where you could help? I don't know if it's a possibility or not but it would give you something else to do and give you an opportunity to meet new people.

By the way I recognised you from your other posts. I feel so sorry for you but you really really need to start listening to people advice. You want things to change but don't seem willing to change anything you are doing. It's only going to get worse and you are not helping.

I too remember your previous threads…because you have posted about this situation several times and it’s highly unlikely there’s another MN user going through the same thing. So I haven’t looked for or dug out your old posts - I just remember them and remember all the advice you got, which is the same advice here.

You have two options - cut contact or contact SS. These were the same options given to you in your other threads, and the advice isn’t going to change every time you create a new thread about the same situation.

Not read all the thread. However in your shoes I would be polite, firm and consistently and immediately (without knowing full details) direct her to ring her social worker, duty social worker, parents or police there and then. Don't make the call on her behalf and don’t touch her phone (even if she attempts to put it in your hands). Simply redirect consistently to SW or police and politely say you’re very sorry to rush off but you’ve a lot on. Keep moving and don’t stop walking! I suspect the SW really should be coordinating a few hours of daily support for the young woman, particularly during evening hours when she regularly becomes upset. However you’re presently plugging this gap!!. Removing your support will likely mean things will temporarily spiral downwards for her and hit rock bottom, however it’s likely that things will need to fall apart first for her to gain the support she really needs. This will be hard for you and her. Potentially much higher levels of police involvement and her feeling upset. To preempt this I would inform both the SW and young woman that you feel bombarded are stepping back for your own health. Then keep blinds consistently down, doors consistently locked and wear headphones or be busy on the phone wile exiting the house over the next few weeks

I agree with Crucible, you are trapping this woman from being able to meet the higher thresholds of accessing better care for herself, because of 'helping' her. Everything you write sets yourself up as powerless and a victim, you will try, you will give it a go, you are so grateful and are listening but its sooo hard. For you. I can guarantee its harder for her and you are hurting her. But you aren't listening, or helping, you are choosing to behave and interact with a mentally ill woman who is much, much more vulnerable than you and its cruel, that you have no boundaries. And you think that's helpful, supportive kind, its isn't, its all about you. Because of you and your contact with the staff/services around her she is perceived as having more support than is real, because of what you do, it is wildly inappropriate, she lacks capacity but you do not, you are actively choosing this.

Inverse narcissism? Give over. You are preventing working professional people from being able to do their jobs and her from accessing a pathway where she could potentially be admitted as an in patient for treatment, which might help her, might change her life, or may not tbh, but you are that barrier, you are causing harm to her and honestly after all this time I think your behaviour is appalling. She needs keeping safe, from you, enabling her and prolonging, deepening and strengthening her disfunction and unhappiness. Leave her alone, you are not a victim here.

What is really going on here OP, are you all adults with mental health problems living in supported accommodation, next door to each other but living as independently as you can in the community? Do you work, have family near by or have a support worker of your own? Who is helping you and looking after you? That's starting to be the only explanation I can think of for this extraordinary, long running situation.

@LoveMyPiano
Because I have nowhere to go - and no money to do it.
And because, "Wherever you go, you take yourself with you".
and because I am Me.

So you've decided that nothing will ever change. Okay. So why create threads and ask for advice you know you won't take? For what purpose are you posting on Mumsnet? Posters are not validating your current position; they are telling you you're wrong to believe you're helpless. Why does that cause you so much cognitive dissonance? Think about it.

Ring the duty social worker for your area (Google it) about this woman.

Make a GP appointment to discuss your mental health and support needs.

Or, don't. Carry on as you are. Its up to you, not strangers online. Nothing will change unless you change it. You have the power and the agency to change things, however much you tell yourself and the world that you don't. You do. You are in control.

I wish you well.

What a difficult situation!

I think regardless of what has happened- social services believe that all her neighbours are being very supportive... Essentially, however aversive, you're mopping up the care.

I would write/ call ssd.. On your own behalf...
Tell them things have become so bad for your health that you're looking to move ... 'as other neighbours have done'..

And give some examples of some incidences...

Tell them formally....
Otherwise you/other helpful neighbours are just papering over the cracks...

I think most communities have people like this... Who insist they can manage, and but their managing is recruiting large numbers of neighbours to support their mental health.

Sadly nothing much will change til you make a stand....

Op sounds like you are not capable to take necessary actions to make any changes. Unfortunately I am agree with your mum saying about your life.
I am interested to hear how did you become like this. What is your story?

Don't you have a child of your own? You say that living this way isn't harming anyone but if you have poor boundaries and are having very dysfunctional people around you and your child that could be a safeguarding issue in itself
As much as this woman does sound like she is crying out for help and really needs support, I think you do need to have clear boundaries (which may seem harsh) in this situation. It is not kindness to not give people boundaries, often it contributes to a pattern of negative behaviour for them and blurs the lines and make them think you have a different role in their life than to do. I would ring adult social services for advice on how to deal with this individual, and please heed it. This is making you and your possible child very vulnerable and in a difficult situation, and is not the kindness you think it is to this damaged traumatised young woman

No. "We" are not.
I understand why you might (choose to) think that, but you are vey wrong.

(Hopefully) - if you knew my "story", and you knew my mother, you wouldn't agree withh her.
My story is all over MN; people seem keen on searching my posts out, so maybe someone can refer you.

Get therapy for yourself to enable you to put stronger boundaries in place.

I didn't realise ndn girl and messy kitchen man were both involved in your life.

I'm going to be harsh but honest. You need therapy, you do have a saviour complex or at best a pathological desire to disadvantage yourself. Why do you not value yourself?

You are also preventing ndn girl from getting more help, every time you crisis councel her you are obscuring how she isn't coping, and probably also male neighbour.

You can't change or help those that don't wish to change or be helped.

Get some help for yourself then, this isn't normal, or healthy and you are causing this woman immense harm. Leave her alone and get yourself some mental health support and treatment instead. No one is seeking out your posts, that's paranoid, you have been writing the same things over and over for a long time and its so memorable and visible. You are reinforcing your own problems by continuing to post on here for validation and support that you don't act on, that you ignore, you are literally making your own life worse, yourself, not just your neighbours. You are doing it to yourself and expecting help and sympathy and even admiration at your selfless rescuing of this woman and that's not ok.

You are now becoming defensive - almost passively agressive!

Instead of hitting out at posters, why not tell us WHAT is actually stopping you from following the advice that you asked for?