Needy Neighbour - still - again

[LoveMyPiano]

Disclosure - I have written about this situation before, and do try to keep out of it, but it keeps evolving as these things do. Note also, that I did agree to be her baby's Godmother [last minute request], but baby has now been adopted, and no more contact.

The very first time I wrote about this, I was told by some that I was over-invested and have a saviour-complex (I wish...), and as I have said above, I obviously did not succeed in creating, if not actual, at least figurative distance.

The young woman who lives next door (she in small apartments - 8 total; me in s/d house alongside) is someone I have known OF for quite a few years. I am old enough to be her mother (my own daughter is 5 years older than her); she has adoptive parents who live a little distance away (n/c with birth parents or family) but they are very very cold with her, although do help with lifts and things and (are supposed to) take care of her money (benefits are paid to them and they give hr an allowance - NOTE, I have just found out that they are not keping on top of her household bills, as agreed, as debt collectors have shown up for BG and a pre-paymet meter is going in to clear unpaid amounts).
She is relying on me very heavily and as other people cut her off, and cut her out, it is falling to me. She comes round to my friend's (where I am from about 8:45pm) apartment (he is in the same complex), usually in a distressed state over her "boyfriend" (babydaddy - he is a bit useless really) - and we are both too "nice" to turn her away ; then she justs sits or stands in the living room, going over and over the same things (she does not take advice on board, she just wants to be agreed with over this man and hear her own voice). She usually interrupts the late evening meal we might be about to eat, and does not care.

I cannot leave my house without her coming out to get me to help her with something. Or, she seems to appear when I return..... And I have been very snappish with her, but she is not deterred - and then anyway I feel terrible and cannot focus on what I was meant to be doing (which I realise is my own weakness and stupidity). I am now disproportionatey anxious over this (as, as I have tried to explain to her, her dramatics (and they CAN be - and she usually involved the Police herself....) can be on top of something else that I am trying to figure out in my own life at that time.

I cannot seem to get the balnce right - and I think I AM looking on here for someone to rant to myself (so in a way, like my neighbour....). It is just not easy to detach when there is no physical escape, and everything I think of that might help would actually result in further involevemnt, not less.
[And I do like to think that I am somewhat kind and (was) reasonably patient.]

Example, last night, we were just about tp eat - about 9:40 (very bad itself, and another issue of mine) and she appeared at the patio door (even though sheer curtains were drawn) waving her phone at me to speak to her Social Worker. She fell on the floor crying, and put her head on my knees, and was freezing cold, having been walking aroun the village (looking for the bf I think....) in her dressing gown. She didnt leave until 10:30 - and I believe she didn't settle at home even then, as her gate was open at minight (a bad sign).

For whatever advice I am seeking (and yes, I DO want to move/not easy - as this is very much a proximity issue, I don't think she respects me or my opionion or feelings at all....), please don't tell me to Get a Life, or that I am over-invested, because I do really try not to be.

But...... Heeeelp.....?
Please

You are wrong on many counts, you know it.
IF there is something you satisfy in exploding like this, then that's a good thing for you.
Part of what must seem like rejecting and dismissing the advice offered HAS been explaining and over-explaining, and (guilty) going off at a tangent. I am so grateful for it all - I just haven't got my arse into gear over it since last time I posted, as I thought I could handle it (and life has been hard). Reasons for that are not worth going into. I do intend to work on some of the suggestions, of course I do - I cannot undestand why anyone - you - might think I am not.

I APPRECIATE ALL OF IT - THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!
I think I have said that I try to never be the last straw for somone, and I am saying that to you now. Just be careful.
I am not asking thatyour comment be deleted, although I should, and they probably would.
You are quite dangerous too, with your words and the way you are expressing them so vehemently amd publicly.
I am so very pleased that you worked through your terrible experiences, and sad that they happened to you in the first place.
IF I had overcome my life problems, and was a more secure person, I know - wrong or right - even then, I would never speak to someone in the way you have.
But we are all different.

I just haven't got my arse into gear over it since last time I posted, as I thought I could handle it (and life has been hard). Reasons for that are not worth going into. I do intend to work on some of the suggestions, of course I do - I cannot undestand why anyone - you - might think I am not.

I think it is extremely disingenuous to say this and faux shrug as to why people think you will be popping up in the exact same position in 3 months. Fourth or fifth or sixth time is not usually the charm.

This problem will not go away by itself, unless she moves or dies. It will not. You have to change it.

Who is faux shrugging? I am not. And believe, about this subject, or about me at all, will not be popping up again.

I know I have to change things. Again, i am appreciative of all the advice. My responses are NOT meant to indicate that I will not do anything - far from it; I am just not saying it clearly enough maybe.

Give the OP chance, it takes years, not days and months to work through these issues. It took me 9 years to stop feeling guilty about my ex-husband and leave for my own mental well-being. It's not easy when you feel responsible for someone

Thank you MrsH. It's probably because I didn't follow through last time (very hard) when I posted about it; It must be annoying for people to "have to" read about it - again - still. I will work on the things I can (as the Serenity Prayer says), with of course, the knowledge that has come from this thread.

I do consider myself to have been put in my place now though - a couple of people (or more) have definitely Had Enough of me, and want me to know it.

It's probably because I didn't follow through last time

This is exactly why! So why the faux, and yes it is faux, confusion as to why we might possibly think you won't take the advice this time? I don't really care if you do or not, but it isn't on to get frustrated with people hearing hooves and thinking horses.

Meant to add - I don't think it's necessarily about you and "having had enough". There are numerous threads from posters not changing a situation and most are met with exactly the same tone. Especially outside the smaller subforums.

Gosh some of the replies youve received have been very harsh... particularly with regards to what your mother said. You've had good advice though in amongst it though.
It's clear you're a kind person (I remember the thread about the baptism) but that this current situation isn't working for you. Your needs as are as important as everyone elses around you. Like so many people have said, I think you'd find therapy useful. I myself resisted it for a long time but it was a great investment of time and money... helped me work on my boundaries and work out what I needed to do to create a life I enjoyed. Change doesn't happen overnight. I wish you well.

Right - I see, But you did say "shrugging", which is a bit different.... (I think).
And I do understand why the collective We does not believe me; but it does seem that the ones tearing me off a strip, are not the ones who are giving the advice. I understand the exasperation, but posting just to express the exasperation - and much more/worse - seems a "waste of energy", and I am not asking that anyone do that.
(Although anyone can feel free - not trying to tell people what to do.)

And I am certainly not shrugging at all - faux, or actually.

Ah, thank you.
I didn't - and won't, now - offer a clear enough picture of what my Mother said, and the context. We are NC - and she has several other daughters, so is fine as she can be, I imagine. Oh, and she was wrong.
I feel sure I would benefit from Therapy of some sort (Group didn't work - haha), you are right. It must be very helpful. I am glad it helped you x

I appreciate that you took the time and effort to write this, and I have gone back to the other thread (helped by knowing that you do have the same user name). I did take some of your advice back then, so thank you for that. I am so sorry that you think that I was ignorant then; or now.

I am probably utterly repeating myself, but cannot say enough (it seems) that I appreciate the input from everyone, and THIS TIME, I will try to do what I can - bearing in mind that she is vulnerable, and I myself, am fragile - to follow elements of the advice I have been kindly given. I explained to the person who posted about horses - and that is genuine and my reasoning. I can't jump up and down gleefully at everything someone puts to me....There are quite understandble reasons for things being neither easy, nor straighforward, you see that surely?
I have not been rude , or dismissive - but certainly boring and verbose, even to myself - and definitely repetitive... So anyone who doesn't like that might choose to not involve themselves.
I have tried to answer as much as I can, even if it is with further explanation - which must have come across as negative, or hopeless - when not truly meant that way. I personally do not see this as an easy situation to resolve and work out for the best, but might were I not embroiled in it. Again, largely against my wishes - and it is NOT easy (for someone like me) to be as cold-blooded as may be needed.

I do see that the way in which I respond changes through a thread, but it must seem to you, by your description, that it is more calculated than it actually is. When it is brought to my attention like this (and again, easier on the outside looking in....), I am truly motified, and believe me, have wished so many times for the chance to edit or delete.

By blurting out more about myself, or my circumstances, i am opening up to more judgement/criticism - and I am not in the market for that these days (if I ever was). But put it this way, regardless of my parents/backgound, I AM a complete and utter disappointmnent to myself. And there we are. (There is more on one or another of the threads I made some time ago ---- yawn.)

I am not 70 yet though, athough guess my style of writing maymake me seem, oh I don't know, quaint or old-fashioned or something. I even punctuate tex messages 😏
(At least one person found my writing style, engaging, which is quite nice.)

I thought about not coming back to respond to you - in the light of the post made @OakRowan, and their very similar take on this, and on me. But that would have allowed that post to trump yours, and that would be wrong. So, if matters have been out of your mind about this, I apologise for refreshing (if you read this). Besides, I do want to (sigh) defend myself - there just wasn't the need (from my pov) for the attack from you, or them. Theirs was worse though.

Thank you so much for you advice "back then", and your input this time, apart from the horse remarks. You went to a lot of trouble. Thank you.

I find it quite hard to read your posts op as your writing style is quite bizarre... (All the words in caps, ha ha's ect)

It seems that what you really need are boundaries. You know what you need to do but are full of excuses as to why you won't or can't follow the great advice you have been given.

You need some therapy for yourself and for your own mental health, you need to step away from these people.

OK - bizarre now.... Thank you for that 😏
In caps, which are not a lot, it's just for emphasis, I do back and italicise but forget sometimes. Please - feel free not to read/comment x
Boundaries - check
Therapy - check.
Thank you for your wonderful suggestions x

@OakRowan Your post is brutal and very unkind. If you genuinely believe the OP has mental health issues as you have stated then why on earth would you then lay into her like that. Some of what you write might be true but the way you are saying it is extremely snide and nasty. This is a chat forum, if you don't want to give advice then don't.

@WhereWasThatFrom
🤗x

Something comes across a little off to me with your writing style.
It's almost as if you have cast yourself as the old fashioned heroine in your life story.
You keep thanking people for noticing you write well however you completely ignore or skim over less congratulatory posts.
A few people have asked if you are working or doing something else to fill your time, I could have missed it but I can't see that you have answered the question?
Perhaps finding something else that takes up the hours you devote TO NDN would be a good idea.

Thank you for your response OP.

For what it's worth, I saw the most recent post from OakRowan, and thought it pretty harsh, all things considered.
And also, for what it's worth, I can see from your posts that you are a good person, who has meant well, but it really has just backfired on you massively. And the issues you have now, with NDN AND with Male Friend, are largely because you missed (and chose to miss) opportunities to extract yourself from them and help yourself. And despite your "explanations", the reasons why you appear to have made no progress, don't really add up to a whole lot in the eyes of strangers.

I'm sorry if you found any of my comments hurtful. It wasn't intended to cause you pain, but merely to steer you towards making some forwards steps, as it appears you have stagnated rather, in handling this on your own.

I am making the decision to withdraw from this thread at this point, for the sake of my own mental health. However OP, please be assured that I DO wish you nothing but the best. That hasn't changed since the messy kitchen thread. I have thought of you often since then, and will continue to send you my good thoughts into the months ahead.

And if, at some point in the future, you manage to make positive steps towards resolving these issues, please do get in touch and let us know about them.

OK. You are free to do that.

I have thanked one person anout my writing, maybe two. Not many have complimented my style at all, so "keep" is not quite correct.

It would be hard to answer every post - especially when of the same theme, or tone. But I believe I mainly acknowledged all, some in more detailed way than others. My overwhelming feeling, and message, is of appreciation (I hope - with a small number of exceptions).

I have not intentioanlly cast myself in any kind of "role"; how daft. And OakRowan was wrong to say that I "enjoy" writing about this topic. I have not at all, but have tried to be polite an acknowledge people's interest and time.
For me personally, it has been a horrible way to spend (most of) the day.

I am not revealing any more about me, my life or circumstances. Would you, if you were me? 😏
I have done enough damage.

OP - there are three people in this situation. Two of them appear to take and not give much back. You could regard support for them as pouring water into a sieve. The other one of the three gives a lot of support, is arguably the one most in need of support, but is the one not getting any. They may be a bowl that can hold water, to follow the metaphor. That person is you. Might I suggest that you should lavish your caring nature on yourself, not either of those other two. I would turn off your doorbell, advise the bloke you will be too busy for meals wuth him just now, and ignore the woman. That will be hard, but remember you have someone who needs you more right now - you! You need to be cooking for you, reading a nice book for you, watching TV with a cuppa for you.

This is primarily an issue about your own boundaries OP

It's very common to struggle with boundaries if you have suffered abuse in your childhood.

There is a lot you can read online and in books about how to set and maintain good boundaries for yourself but if you can it's best to learn the skills with a therapist.

If you just move then you will take yourself with you and likely encounter similar problems again.

You now no you cannot help her. You have tried, it goes nowhere. But she is in the habit / is fixated on asking you.

You now need to do grey rock / stuck record.

Every single time she approaches say the exact same thing: I am not able to help you, call your social worker. Do not engage.not one further comment other than ‘I cannot help, call your social worker’. Get proper curtains, do not answer the door. Put a lock on your side gate.

As well as telling SS about her.

Losing your temper is not assertiveness.

Firmly and calmly saying the same thing every single time is assertively maintaining your boundaries. If you engage, ‘be nice’, even just once you are confusing her and giving her the mixed messages that mean she thinks she can keep coming back to you.

it isn’t unkind because she doesn’t benefit from your ‘help’ anyway. She just carries on. So all that has happened is that you end up stressed, bothered, disturbed.

Tell your friend to make his apartment off limits to her too. And support each other.

Really good advice from Carmenthepanda

@LoveMyPiano

I know you are NC with parents, but have you any other family, or friends, you can make yourself busy with? You have a daughter I think? Is she still living at home with you? Or close enough by to make arrangements with? Any hobbies that can take you out of the house/street?

You've suggested yourself you might be too available to her, so maybe keeping busy and unavailable is an easy way for reducing that contact, if you can manage that.

This...

I'd say to your GP how much your immediate environment is impacting negatively on your MH and ED.

I'd ask for an onward referral to IAPT this is a free NHS psychology service.

I'd be very clear when you reach this service... What you need.
As in issues with holding boundaries...

When folk have difficult childhoods /early attachments... They MAY be able to try some boundary behaviors... But will find it much more difficult holding these boundaries... And are much more likely to collapse in the face of people really pushing these boundaries... As in what has happened when you were a child.

I would definitely recommend practising assertiveness type skills with a therapist... So much about this... Is the saying no... And FEELING OK ABOUT IT!