Needy Neighbour - still - again

[LoveMyPiano]

Disclosure - I have written about this situation before, and do try to keep out of it, but it keeps evolving as these things do. Note also, that I did agree to be her baby's Godmother [last minute request], but baby has now been adopted, and no more contact.

The very first time I wrote about this, I was told by some that I was over-invested and have a saviour-complex (I wish...), and as I have said above, I obviously did not succeed in creating, if not actual, at least figurative distance.

The young woman who lives next door (she in small apartments - 8 total; me in s/d house alongside) is someone I have known OF for quite a few years. I am old enough to be her mother (my own daughter is 5 years older than her); she has adoptive parents who live a little distance away (n/c with birth parents or family) but they are very very cold with her, although do help with lifts and things and (are supposed to) take care of her money (benefits are paid to them and they give hr an allowance - NOTE, I have just found out that they are not keping on top of her household bills, as agreed, as debt collectors have shown up for BG and a pre-paymet meter is going in to clear unpaid amounts).
She is relying on me very heavily and as other people cut her off, and cut her out, it is falling to me. She comes round to my friend's (where I am from about 8:45pm) apartment (he is in the same complex), usually in a distressed state over her "boyfriend" (babydaddy - he is a bit useless really) - and we are both too "nice" to turn her away ; then she justs sits or stands in the living room, going over and over the same things (she does not take advice on board, she just wants to be agreed with over this man and hear her own voice). She usually interrupts the late evening meal we might be about to eat, and does not care.

I cannot leave my house without her coming out to get me to help her with something. Or, she seems to appear when I return..... And I have been very snappish with her, but she is not deterred - and then anyway I feel terrible and cannot focus on what I was meant to be doing (which I realise is my own weakness and stupidity). I am now disproportionatey anxious over this (as, as I have tried to explain to her, her dramatics (and they CAN be - and she usually involved the Police herself....) can be on top of something else that I am trying to figure out in my own life at that time.

I cannot seem to get the balnce right - and I think I AM looking on here for someone to rant to myself (so in a way, like my neighbour....). It is just not easy to detach when there is no physical escape, and everything I think of that might help would actually result in further involevemnt, not less.
[And I do like to think that I am somewhat kind and (was) reasonably patient.]

Example, last night, we were just about tp eat - about 9:40 (very bad itself, and another issue of mine) and she appeared at the patio door (even though sheer curtains were drawn) waving her phone at me to speak to her Social Worker. She fell on the floor crying, and put her head on my knees, and was freezing cold, having been walking aroun the village (looking for the bf I think....) in her dressing gown. She didnt leave until 10:30 - and I believe she didn't settle at home even then, as her gate was open at minight (a bad sign).

For whatever advice I am seeking (and yes, I DO want to move/not easy - as this is very much a proximity issue, I don't think she respects me or my opionion or feelings at all....), please don't tell me to Get a Life, or that I am over-invested, because I do really try not to be.

But...... Heeeelp.....?
Please

@LoveMyPiano

OP, I also remember your posts, though I don't believe I have previously contributed to your threads. The story in itself is unique, and you have a distinctive writing style.

I have little to add in the way of advice to the helpful comments you have already had. As others have said, the situation will not change until you change your own behaviour in relation to it.

Your writing makes me suspect you enjoy words, and may enjoy reading. There is a book you may find helpful - 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne. You were upset when @zingally suggested that you were being given advice but were refusing to accept it, challenging her to 'quote' where you had done that. Someone other than you (and possibly you if you are able to read back with a little distance) can recognise in many of your posts a pattern: initial acceptance followed by overt objection (but, however) or more detailed reasoning why that advice could not be followed, despite it working well in parallel circumstances.

I wish you all the best - finding patterns in our own behaviours can be the first step in working out the way forward.

Its the piano, isn't it? Its the piano stopping you moving, because its hard to find somewhere cheap to rent that has enough space for a piano, but also becase moving a piano is expensive and tricky.

I have a book about pre-war Germany, that mentions a tiny number of well-off families in Berlin refused to flee when the true horror of Nazism arose, because they had a piano, and it was impossible to leave with it.

Obviously you're not at risk to that degree, but there is still something stopping you moving on. I think it can be very difficult if you have previously been quite emotionally isolated, to suddenly have people who want to be with you, or "need" you. Perhaps its not just the piano, but it is your neighbours who are an additional emotional piano, if you like.

Someone upthread suggested you find a different way of helping. You are clearly someone with a great deal of compassion and empathy, but who might benefit from having a third party to help you set boundaries. Could you volunteer with a homeless charity, or a hospice, or a food bank?

I don't know if you answered this question before, but why do you and your friend eat so late at night? Do you actually work odd hours, and he relies on you to cook for him?

For all I know, someone may post wanting me to babble on about my "tragic" past (already referenced - to my eternal shame) - and they may be someone i have offended by not taking their advice (but they have a different username on this thread....) previously. And then I will be told, "by umpteen people"/"everyone" that my "lelngthy explananations" are just going over the same ground, with no forward motion. I am wary of that, still do it, like the fool I am, but I forgive myself for being defensive.
But I cannot go into my boring and ugly backstory, to have that handwaved away.
The advice - greatly welcome and taking on board - WILL be (selectively) acted on; I have not said that it won't. I dont know why people seem to want to believe that, because I have found it difficult/impossible until now - and yes, have created another boring post for people to CHOOSE to read and comment - does not mean that I won't try to do what I can, "going forward".

I have never wanted, nor sought out, involvement with her. Nor have I made more than one or two calls about or for her. It is one-way only - and I fully admit, I am NOT good at shutting peple down, and that comes from my own miserable start and childhood, unfortunately.

But I will not be the last straw for her - I have to believe the threats she makes to harm herself, even if it is (and by and large it IS) manipulation.

Despite posters telling me to not make contact with SW/SS, I WILLtry tp get them to help ME with this, and fulfil their obligations to her, leaving m out of it.

I have said that I cannot MOVE house, that does not mean that I can not and will not take (some of) the appreaciated advice, no-one is giving me much of a chance, given that I posted yesterday (and yes, before....) and I have at NO point, dimissed opinions, but have responded in my tedious and lengthy manner, which I suppose is seen as reluctance and dimissiveness. I promise - it has not. It has not really helped my mood, but is terrifically motivating!

My story is all over MN; people seem keen on searching my posts out, so maybe someone can refer you

Well no, no one is searching your posts out. You have posted about this same situation several times, and it’s so unique, that of course we are going to remember you.

And each previous thread was long with several pages of advice, yet however months later, you’re in the same situation asking for advice again.

That’s why PPs are now becoming harsh with you.

Thank you for understanding... But no, it isn't the piano. although I have a sentimental attachment to it. When I first was going through divorce, I had a plan to live in a windmill (tower) and there was an issue the, because not enough of a straight wall. But the piano would not have stopped me then, or now. (Back story/boring re. my grandmother....)

I have never - apart from when I was a mother - eaten well (quantity, not type of food), or at the right time (posted recently about ED rearing it's head again, if it ever went away). I probably would not eat at all, were it not for making food for someone else, whoever they might be. It must be what remains of my caring side, and I believe my friend would not eat well, due to having a very long day, with work bracketed by seeing to his horse in the morning and evenining, until around 8:30pm.

Believe me, I really really, really did not want to become enbroiled in this

If this is so, I'm wondering why you're "making lists" of what she can do, allowing her to "fling herself through the door" and the rest? You mentioned that she'll just escalate the drama if you don't respond, but surely that matters less if she's not doing it inside yours or your friend's home?

There seems no answer to this if you're not prepared to step right back, and whether to do that or not is a choice

" I WILLtry tp get them to help ME with this,"

can you not see that that statement puts you in between the person and the statutory services who should be supplying those service to her?
The more normal phraseology would be "I will get them to help her" with no mention of yourself.
I also remember the godmother post and now we see the the backstory you left out.
I suspect tht you are not posting here for advice but for approval.

@LoveMyPiano It’s clear that you have multiple issues here, for which you need and deserve some help. That’s why I gave you details yesterday of counselling services. Getting help is really very easy. I know you might be reluctant, because while you are intelligent enough to know that your behaviours need to change, but you are probably afraid of giving them up, because you feel they keep you safe at the moment. But the way you live is wearing you down, and isn’t sustainable.

If you can muster up the courage to take the first step towards talking to someone, your life will be infinitely better for it. But you need professional help to get better, as clearly an advice board isn’t helping you. All that is happening is that you are taking the comments here as another stick to beat yourself with, another bit of evidence that you don’t deserve to live better than this, and that’s not going to do you any good.

Actually, I did think that they were sort of different situations, but connected, so yes there is a common theme (me, of course.....). First, issues with my friend and how trying to "help" him/myself; then (or first) needy neighbour, maybe once or twice, and certainly around the time of her baby being Christened (January this year) - and I have also posted about family issues and background - which itself has cropped up in the other threads. I suppose I must seem to be prolific. And boring.

Maybe I wasn't even technically asking for advice (despite the use of the word "Help" (rolleyes), I just needed someone/many someones to talk to. It does kind of serve me right, when I have remained stuck, and am still complaining about it.

Another one here - I only read the thread about the baby and I still knew exactly who this poster was. Mumsnet doesn't really work in the way that the people getting frustrated would be only those who answered you previously.

The fact that you don't bother to eat unless you are feeding someone else at the same time makes me wonder if its part of the same "my worth comes from.others" issue.

Is it feasible that you could get another horse, or a share, and have something concrete to focus on? I know only too well what absolute time-drains horses are!!

FWIW, I think you should ring social services and tell them exactly what is going on with this woman. Write yourself a little script, if you like, so you don't forget any of the points you want to make. They need to know how her behaviour is declining, and that she is a nuisance to the community, and that she needs more support than you and other vulnerable neighbours are able to give her. Then...you BACK AWAY. Phone the police if she threatens to harm herself, but otherwise practice disengaging from her. Re-frame it in your head that it is the true kindness.

I MEANT, Ask them to stop coming to me, rather go to them, the Crisis Team etc etc. I do NOT want or intend to be between her and them (although THEY might want me to be - ha. ha).
I tried to make sure I wasn't saying I was going to get them to help her, as that is not my place to say. (words on screens eh?)

I don't KNOW (now) what I hoped for.... But am painfully aware that by responding in the moment and during this thread, it seems as though I am doing nothing, nor intending to. Why can no-one see beyond that?

You need to stop engaging with other people's drama.

You may need therapy to help you to do that.

stop HER coming to me, I mean

I can actually take it further, and make them food but not eat myself. Crazy, I know. And am being bounced between GP and ED support right now.

Being sentimental again, I am not sure another horse would help me, and doubt I would find somewhere nice. I had the/my horse of a lifetime, even though he is long-gone now, I just would want another "him".
And also, being me,horses, yes, the horsey world, not so much.....

As it happens, it has never been me (maybe once), who phone the Police, she does that herself, I just unfortunately hear her (aucoustics around here - ugh) screaming that she has Had Enough and wailing in her own unique way. They of course are obliged to attend when she makes such threats. The one time I did call the due to her dangerous behaviour (as a neighbour disturbed by it, not her proxy mother), she had already called them for herself.

I did post otherwise about a suicide directly opposite on a 1January; I just live in fear of that happening - with her. I know it is often said that "those who talk about it, don't do it", but that is a big risk, and why she knows the key words herself when she wants help, or attention - which is mainly what it is.

You are very understanding - thank you x

I've read some of your other threads but not the baby one. How on earth did you agree to be godmother? 😮😮😮 It's no wonder your ndn thinks you are her friend.

Well, it's "nice" to be recognised (or not).
My confusion about the frustration of SOME who had posted before (I did not expect everyone who has responded had posted before) was that I did not see any user names from the other thread/s. So that put me in a spot in two ways; THEY knew they had posted before, and I didn't/couldn't.

Also - one (or more) of my previous threads (not about this subject) were under a different user name of my own. And I had changed it SO they could not be connected. So that was a fail too.

There was some emotional manipulation/my weakness, also baby's paternal grandmother is a friend of mine, and she begged me.....
As the child is now adopted, I don't really have a true godmother role.

the story IIRC (which had none of the back story) was that a girl was about to have her baby removed for adoption and she wanted to have the baby christened before it was taken. Child services had agreed and the girl wanted the OP to be a godmother. The indication was that it would be a one off kindness if a slightly odd one) with no past history or future repercussions

8.30 is not late.....I see another excuse here

I regularly don't eat until about 9pm.

I wasn't aware that meant I had an ED?

OP,
I find the way you write really engaging. The situation is interesting and it's fascinating trying to understand why you are behaving as you do. Despite this 'interest' value of your threads I'm sure lots of posters genuinely want to help you. I would like to be able to post something that would help but it's seems like you aren't responsive.

Are you willing to share any more details. Im guessing you are older and you seem intelligent and possibly well educated? Do you work? Do you live in a town? Have you any other friends or family?

There's more to it than that (like I said, another thread - and even that doesn't tell everything....) - in my case. I think you are being deliberately obtuse.

I'm not. I don't understand what the issue is with eating until that time of the evening?

So I asked a question.

Why would you think I'm being deliberately obtuse?

Thank you. Engaging, is a nice thing to be told.
Writing is in the family (my Father writes novels - but not my kind of thing, which makes him cross); I am sure there is a trait somewhere in there, but I do not have his imagination, or bloodlust (or just lust...?)
To be honest, I didn't think there WAS an interest value - and I knew I was coming back to a topic that had not moved forward much/at all - apart from baby arriving, and then going. Maybe worth the risk, to be able to talk to people about it all, even though I could come off badly, as weak , or interfering.
Asking for opinions, I need to be braced for as many as there may be replies.

I am avoiding talking about my circumstances - but earlier, I quoted my Mother, who had said that I alone fucked up my life. (At least one person on here felt that that was worth agreeing with.....) Maybe that gives a clue, without me needing to divulge more, for further judgement - although thank you so much for asking, and for perceiving me to be intelligent/well-educated xx