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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

496 replies

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:17

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s.

he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent.

i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu?

just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

OP posts:
WaiveringKate · 23/04/2022 11:05

"he purposely omitted information prior to sex to get what he wanted and dumped me after? That is worse i think. Its cohersive"

  • I agree. It's predatory and abusive.

There are plenty of women available for casual sex. And I'm not sure about the not finding you attractive thing - he slept with you twice, surely he must have?
I'm finding it hard to get my head around too, or maybe I'm just not willing to accept something?

Facewipes · 23/04/2022 11:07

I liked the OP’s previous question of how did you think the date went. In my younger years I spent time wanting everyone to like me: co-workers, friends of friends, men. I had an epiphany that them liking me was my focus and I didn’t really consider whether I liked them. Did you actually like this guy? Did you want to date him? Have sex with him? Be in a relationship with him? Make sure you put your feelings and wants first and foremost.

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 23/04/2022 11:08

Exactly that @Facewipes

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 23/04/2022 11:12

On the upside at least you didn't waste your time because if he was going to do it now he would have done it when ye did eventually slept together. I'd be looking at it as a win. As @YellowAndGreenToBeSeen said head high and move on. He is a dickhead but fortunately not your problem.

JoeGoldberg · 23/04/2022 11:16

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:35

My cat did not like him also - so I think block and move on. Always trust your cat x x x

Oh there you go then. I went on a date in my teens, he picked me up at my parents and the dog (who was usually a sweetie with anyone and everyone) fully gave him the cold shoulder. It was a crap date and he gave me glandular fever. Should've taken notice of my dog 😂

DrDinosaur · 23/04/2022 11:18

As others have said, hopefully you enjoyed it, and you've saved yourself wasting more time on a dickhead, and you're not as invested as you would have been if you'd had more dates before sleeping with him.
Well done on the prompt blocking!

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:22

He was fairly gobsmacked to be fair. When he said ‘i dont know’, I said ‘thanks a no then’. He said ‘i need a few days to think about it’ and then I laughed and he said ‘i want to just be friends’. I said so I am right then?

i said just go. He got his stuff and i just slammed the door when he walked out, i didnt say anything at all. Unmatched him, blocked him instagram and blocked his number. He could tell I was very very irritated / upset.

he knew fine well what he was doing.

i have had casual one night stands but you can feel the energy where both are on the same page and you have a really good laugh together about it all - this was not like that one bit.

OP posts:
CharSiu · 23/04/2022 11:23

I think even a face to face online date just isn’t the same as an actual face to face. I look better in photos and in video calls, really much younger my DS has joked I would make a great catfish. I could imagine their disappointment Anyway listen to your cat. My cat is sweet as pie in the decade I have had her she has misbehaved once and scratched a visitor, my SIL who is the most obnoxious people I have ever met.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:24

JoeGoldberg · 23/04/2022 11:16

Oh there you go then. I went on a date in my teens, he picked me up at my parents and the dog (who was usually a sweetie with anyone and everyone) fully gave him the cold shoulder. It was a crap date and he gave me glandular fever. Should've taken notice of my dog 😂

Show quote history

So my cat did not come out at all when we were in the living room - usually he will come out a little bit and sniff around. Then when he petted him he hissed at him and meowed 😨

OP posts:
Nelliephant1 · 23/04/2022 11:24

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:35

My cat did not like him also - so I think block and move on. Always trust your cat x x x

There's your answer, animals don't lie, if your cat disapproves then there's a train for it.

At the very least, your cat will be happy that he won't be back again. Every cloud and all that 🙂

Dealwithit · 23/04/2022 11:26

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:26

He was blocked on phone, instagram and unmatched on dating app as soon as I slammed the door on him. 😂😂😂😂

Yes good but have a bit more respect and build a relationship first

Nelliephant1 · 23/04/2022 11:28

Not train!!! 🤯😫

** reason

Blinkingheckythump · 23/04/2022 11:28

I don't want to sound really harsh but maybe he felt you guys just didn't have the physical connection to make it work? Sometimes you feel really into someone but if they don't work for you in bed why would you waste their time pretending there's a chance things could go into relationship territory

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:29

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:24

So my cat did not come out at all when we were in the living room - usually he will come out a little bit and sniff around. Then when he petted him he hissed at him and meowed 😨

Show quote history

He was staring at him lying beside me in bed.

it is weird though - I had a couple of dates with a guy from the uni there past couple of weeks and be texts maybe once or twice a day and we only kissed - its alot more genuine feeling. And I have another guy i went on a date with in the next city to me and be never mentioned any of the settling down / baby stuff either. Both of these i only kissed.

i think this guy was messaging loads and loads whilst he was on holiday so when he got back (yesterday) he had a shag waiting for him. So depressing

also the poster who had a friend who matched with same guy on different apps - I think they do that on bumble they are a ‘do not know’, on hinge ‘looking for something serious’ on tinder ‘looking for a hookup’ goddddddd

i have got to the stage where i dont even tell my friends I am dating someone until i have known them three months because it is so often they turn out to be a dud. Mumsnet forums have saved me 😂😂😂😂😂 so my married friends with kids dont have to listen to this utter nonsense drivel

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 23/04/2022 11:30

I'm certain it wasn't like this 15 years ago prior to meeting my (ex)husband.

Of course it’s was.

Musttryharder2021 · 23/04/2022 11:31

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/04/2022 10:39

Maybe he wasn't just after sex but he just wasn't feeling it?
that's allowed! It's a risk with dating. Nobody owes anyone their time or a relationship.

This! Since when do you have to know your feelings in advance??

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:32

Blinkingheckythump · 23/04/2022 11:28

I don't want to sound really harsh but maybe he felt you guys just didn't have the physical connection to make it work? Sometimes you feel really into someone but if they don't work for you in bed why would you waste their time pretending there's a chance things could go into relationship territory

I know what you mean but it was more seedy than that if I am honest
i wouldnt be so upset otherwise

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 23/04/2022 11:32

I love all the 'I knows' Grin
We've all been there at some point in our romantic lives.
Best that he's honest with you - in the long term - even if it sucks and feels really disappointing for now.
Onwards and upwards!

JoeGoldberg · 23/04/2022 11:32

BoredZelda · 23/04/2022 11:30

I'm certain it wasn't like this 15 years ago prior to meeting my (ex)husband.

Of course it’s was.

Indeed. Of course it was like this. It's been like this forever really.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:33

Musttryharder2021 · 23/04/2022 11:31

This! Since when do you have to know your feelings in advance??

Show quote history

He knew before he came to my flat and had sex he wasnt interested
i can see that on reflection
his tone even changed immediately before actually meeting on reflection

OP posts:
DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 23/04/2022 11:34

Tits and teeth darling! (smile and stride onwards) x

You aren't the first. I fell for this so many times. I made a lot of idiot choices

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:34

(I know)

😂😂

OP posts:
FleurDeLizz · 23/04/2022 11:35

Maybe he didn’t think the sex was much cop - you described it as “ok”. I’m also not sure you really know what gaslighting is but it seems like he wasn’t doing that from what you described - he just wasn’t giving you a straight up answer, maybe to avoid an awkward scene.

savedbyanalien · 23/04/2022 11:37

Maybe there was just no chemistry 🤷🏼‍♀️

Block, delete, move on. Plenty more fish in the sea!

DressingPafe · 23/04/2022 11:40

Of course there have always been players, but there were less of them because they had less opportunity to meet new victims. Online dating has opened up that world to everyone now.

I’ve given up on it personally. I’m in my 50s and men of that age are no better. I have grown up DC, a nice home, good job etc. What do I need a man for now?

It makes me laugh that men in their 50s with their bald heads and pot bellies think they can get one night stands when, as any older woman doing OLD knows, you can get a young hot guy for that if you are so inclined!

Sorry this has happened to you OP. It is shit. The feeling of being used is horrible. I can only say, as others have, at least you found out early and blocking him was the right decision.

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