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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

496 replies

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:17

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s.

he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent.

i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu?

just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

OP posts:
JoeGoldberg · 23/04/2022 09:46

Waiting to have sex wouldn't make a scrap of difference. Some guys will happily do 2 or 3 dates to get what they want and then say it's not working for them. Meanwhile you've invested more time and brain space on them, maybe even become a bit smitten.

Onward, OP.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:46

I know they can I have seen my friends etc it happen to - we had done video calls as well and constantly were messaging. He tried to gaslight me about it ‘i need a few days to think about it’ 😂😂😂😂😂 come onnnn

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:47

Agree I had a guy wine and dine me for about six weeks heavy then had sex and the next day he ghosted that must have been 18 dates before sex 😂😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
WaiveringKate · 23/04/2022 09:48

I think it's disgusting the way people treat each other these days, I really do. I'm certain it wasn't like this 15 years ago prior to meeting my (ex)husband.
OP, this happened to me recently after becoming single, except with my manager at work (I know) just goes to show you they don't just lurk around on dating apps. At least you don't have to see him again. For me, I was caught at a very low point and he took advantage of that. I have moments when I'm very angry.

I just think it's awful how people treat one another 😔

TulipsGarden · 23/04/2022 09:49

At least now you know and you didn't waste loads of time and headspace on him.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:50

WaiveringKate · 23/04/2022 09:48

I think it's disgusting the way people treat each other these days, I really do. I'm certain it wasn't like this 15 years ago prior to meeting my (ex)husband.
OP, this happened to me recently after becoming single, except with my manager at work (I know) just goes to show you they don't just lurk around on dating apps. At least you don't have to see him again. For me, I was caught at a very low point and he took advantage of that. I have moments when I'm very angry.

I just think it's awful how people treat one another 😔

It was not like this before. 100% it was not. 15-20 years ago it was not like this

its mobile phones instagrams online dating and so many more options x x

OP posts:
WaiveringKate · 23/04/2022 09:50

I think the constant messaging is a red flag - 'mine' messaged me all the time, got annoyed when I didn't reply quick enough. I can see he's online on what's app constantly.. so obviously found another victim. You will be ok OP

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:51

I did have a little cry before coming in mumsnet. Its so unfair. But what can you do. 🥺🥺

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:51

Yes it was tbh - it was constantly from morning to night and some video call too 🥺🥺

OP posts:
WaiveringKate · 23/04/2022 09:53

I don't know what you can do. Flowers I still feel sad 4 months later. So it seems now it's a case of being cold with everyone and using them, I'm not sure I can be like that. So I suppose I give up

UserError012345 · 23/04/2022 09:55

6 date rule - no sex before.

Peachy7 · 23/04/2022 09:58

It's horrendous out there, no one loses respect for people if they're up front. There are women out there only joking for casual fun so no need for men to lie about it.
Neither me or my now long term partner were looking for anything serious, just a FWB situation, we both caught feelings 🤦🏻‍♀️
Takes a lot to weed out the good ones!

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2022 09:59

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:51

Yes it was tbh - it was constantly from morning to night and some video call too 🥺🥺

Gently, this should have been a red flag. Normal , decent men don't behave this way. This bloke was love bombing you to get you to feel more for him than you actually would have if you had taken things at a sensible pace.

CharSiu · 23/04/2022 10:02

I haven’t dated for donkeys years but when I did would never have contemplated a casual relationship ever. So I would never have sex until I had dated for a couple of months. That’s some wait, I had plenty of dates that just fizzled out pretty quickly. But that was fine with me.

I think the advice to go for it if your ok with a ONS is the best. I don’t think I would have survived in these online dating times.

No one wants to return to a puritanical virgin on the wedding night scenario but I do feel online dating is brutal.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:03

I know most normal blokes message a couple of times a day - maybe 2/3. This was constant like from 8am till 10pm for two / three weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:04

Its brutal he has on his profile ‘wants relationship’ and he said he had no time to waste as he is getting older snd wanting children 😭😭😭😭 its so annoying!!!!! You cannot tell!

OP posts:
Yellownightmare · 23/04/2022 10:12

Peachy7 · 23/04/2022 09:58

It's horrendous out there, no one loses respect for people if they're up front. There are women out there only joking for casual fun so no need for men to lie about it.
Neither me or my now long term partner were looking for anything serious, just a FWB situation, we both caught feelings 🤦🏻‍♀️
Takes a lot to weed out the good ones!

Yes but I don't think it's about the sex per se with these kind of guys, it's the chase. I think it gives their puny little egos a boost to say they've won a woman over who was actually looking for something more. They wouldn't get the same thrill from a woman who was also just looking for casual sex.

I'm not sure how you weed them out but as a pp suggested, someone who's too keen might be a red flag?

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 23/04/2022 10:13

Dust yourself off, head high, tits out, Onwards!

Love it!! This is the way to go OP 😀

Yellownightmare · 23/04/2022 10:13

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:04

Its brutal he has on his profile ‘wants relationship’ and he said he had no time to waste as he is getting older snd wanting children 😭😭😭😭 its so annoying!!!!! You cannot tell!

Isn't this a bit of overkill though. Wouldn't someone who really wanted those things be a bit lower key than this?

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:14

I agree they think its funny

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2022 10:14

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:03

I know most normal blokes message a couple of times a day - maybe 2/3. This was constant like from 8am till 10pm for two / three weeks

I'm asking seriously, you didn't find this off-putting at all? Normal grown men just don't do this. Doesn't he have a job, FFS? Who has time for this nonsense? He sounds suffocating.

JoeGoldberg · 23/04/2022 10:14

I think the 'too keen' is a bit of a red flag. I hadn't even heard of love bombing until I read it on here, and then I realised I'd had that happen a couple of times.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:14

Well we know that now 🥲

OP posts:
Helenahandkart · 23/04/2022 10:15

It’s fine to have sex on the first date. If you want to have sex then go for it. It might only be a one night stand, but if someone genuinely likes you then sex on the first date isn’t a bad thing, and isn’t going to ruin the progression into a long term relationship.
In this case, he didn’t genuinely like you, and while that’s sad, it isn’t because you did anything wrong.
I spent a lot of my 20s worrying that having sex with men too soon was the wrong thing to do and was preventing me from having meaningful relationships, but I had sex with my now husband on the first date and it didn’t put him off one bit.
Have sex if you want to, but be aware that they might not want any more than that. And you might not either afterwards.

Phobiaphobic · 23/04/2022 10:17

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 23/04/2022 09:21

Ah mate… this is why I think waiting to sleep with someone (if you’re after a relationship - no problem with a ONS if that’s what you want) is not a bad idea - not for piety but to weed out the dickeheads, the like of which you have encountered.

Dust yourself off, head high, tits out, Onwards!

(and block the fuckboy)

First post nails it.

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