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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

496 replies

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:17

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s.

he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent.

i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu?

just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

OP posts:
PriestessofPing · 23/04/2022 11:46

Ah well if you being upfront has forced a conversation rather than a slow fade and you’ve figured out where the land lies then that’s a positive. Perhaps it is his MO and he likes the chase and all that dull cliché stuff.

Sorry you felt upset, at least you didn’t waste more time on him. Plus if the sex wasn’t even great enough to be that keen on round two then maybe you really aren’t at all compatible. Can see how it stings though, so I hope you can regroup and put it aside and hope you find a much better person to date than this guy!

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:47

thanks for all replies and honestly the people who are saying there was no chemistry etc he is entitled to change his mind OF COURSE he is!!! And I have been in that position before and its que sera this was not like this (i know everyone says this) it was a bit more calculated

he gaslit me when he made out ‘oh i need more time to decide i cannot decide now if i want to see you again’ but obviously it was a straight out no he didnt want to come out with because he knew full well what he had done

OP posts:
seensome · 23/04/2022 11:47

It horrible to go through. Some men are users, it could be worse, some men string you along in relationship with no intention of long lasting commitment.

First dates are always tricky, especially online dates, you've not met before, you have no idea util you've met that the feelings are mutual and would like to see them again. You quite often need a day to reflect if you really like them enough or not, it's a lot to take in. For that reason, I don't believe anything about wanting to see each other again until it happens and never drink too much on a first date, which gets you into the situation you've described.

If he's a user beyond the first few dates it's him but you do have to take some responsibility after one date that it wasn't the most wise decision.

WrinklyDad · 23/04/2022 11:49

Why on earth did you sleep with him?

From a male perspective rarely are we going to say no, however, I am always amazed at how often people (both s3x3s) give it up (s3x) on the very first date?!!? If I am serious about somebody and really want it to develop I would want to wait and make it special. When I have had s3x on first dates in the past it has always been with the expectation that it won't go any further or it will be just a FWB thing. All my long-term partners have been a slow burner in that respect.

Whooshaagh · 23/04/2022 11:49

OP give all future dates the cat test.
Ok, the men will think you’re crazy but trust your cat. If the cat says no then throw them back.

JoeGoldberg · 23/04/2022 11:49

You'll be fine OP, it is upsetting but the upshot is at least you've nipped it in the bud rather than letting him mess you around.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:49

To be fair it sounds as though he led on his last girlfriend on reflection - he said he was bored and lonely during lockdown so got with her and broke up with her in january time because she liked him more - i think its his mo on reflection

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:50

Whooshaagh · 23/04/2022 11:49

OP give all future dates the cat test.
Ok, the men will think you’re crazy but trust your cat. If the cat says no then throw them back.

That means inviting them to my flat though as he is an indoor cat 😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:52

JoeGoldberg · 23/04/2022 11:49

You'll be fine OP, it is upsetting but the upshot is at least you've nipped it in the bud rather than letting him mess you around.

To be fair - maybe the reason I asked him outright like that was because I had loads of unconsious ques he wasnt feeling it - i dont know if I have ever done that? I have been led on by guys for 6/8 weeks before and always managed to work it out and throw them back into the pond. So maybe my bullshit radar is up so high now I can predict an inevitable slow fader???

OP posts:
Whooshaagh · 23/04/2022 11:53

WrinklyDad · 23/04/2022 11:49
Why on earth did you sleep with him?

Why did he sleep with her if he didn’t want to develop the relationship?
it’s not compulsory.
Why couldn’t he be honest?
Are all of you guys so opportunistic?
God what a horrible, shallow person you are!

AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 11:53

WrinklyDad · 23/04/2022 11:49

Why on earth did you sleep with him?

From a male perspective rarely are we going to say no, however, I am always amazed at how often people (both s3x3s) give it up (s3x) on the very first date?!!? If I am serious about somebody and really want it to develop I would want to wait and make it special. When I have had s3x on first dates in the past it has always been with the expectation that it won't go any further or it will be just a FWB thing. All my long-term partners have been a slow burner in that respect.

Exactly, all this “it doesn’t matter” nonsense is why a lot of guys are like this now a days, they know they can message someone on an app meet up with them once and have sex straight away and then people wonder why men don’t put in the effort when they know they can do that again the next night and have sex again with another woman instantly.

AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 11:53

Whooshaagh · 23/04/2022 11:53

WrinklyDad · 23/04/2022 11:49
Why on earth did you sleep with him?

Why did he sleep with her if he didn’t want to develop the relationship?
it’s not compulsory.
Why couldn’t he be honest?
Are all of you guys so opportunistic?
God what a horrible, shallow person you are!

Sex doesn’t equal a relationship, people don’t only sleep with someone they want a relationship with 🙄

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:54

Whooshaagh · 23/04/2022 11:49

OP give all future dates the cat test.
Ok, the men will think you’re crazy but trust your cat. If the cat says no then throw them back.

My cat has only hissed like that at a couple of guys and i remember he called my cat ‘motherf*er’ last night 😨😨😨

the more i think about it and type about it here the better it seems that i wont see him again now

OP posts:
Whooshaagh · 23/04/2022 11:54

@Monstera1111
lol. You’ll have to take dcat on dates in a carrier. 😂

serenghetti2011 · 23/04/2022 11:56

I went through similar. It’s daft because there are women who are happy to be fb or causal or whatever. I wonder if it’s a challenge picking those who are looking for something more. So I gave up for a while took stock and decided to be more ruthless. So any sexual chat they were blocked any suggestions of sex on first date, blocked then there was no endless chat I think that’s just an ego boost. If they didn’t want to meet for a date early on (within 7/10 days of initial contact) then I moved on. I did weed out a lot who clearly wanted to just chat or shag so be upfront and meet early on otherwise what’s the point in the endless chat if you then meet up after weeks and he’s a twat or their is no chemistry. If someone is nice, genuine and interested they will meet you, they will text you, you don’t have to wait about wondering if they like you and will text. I hate games, I don’t have time for them. Sorry that happened to you op and hope future dates work out better

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:57

Whooshaagh · 23/04/2022 11:54

@Monstera1111
lol. You’ll have to take dcat on dates in a carrier. 😂

Can you imagine??
i have a fancy coffee machine
maybe i should invite them at 10-11am all windows open and blinds up for a coffee and get the cat out

in fairness i have had guys over to my flat after 3/4 dates they have smooched me in the hallwall and headed home

i have never had this scenario before its disgusting

also he bought condoms whilst walking to the date - he told me - as i asked if he had condoms but he said he had to buy some en route to the date because he had his own stash at home in the town 15/20 minutes outside the city - so he knew what he was doing

OP posts:
LoveLarry · 23/04/2022 11:57

WrinklyDad · 23/04/2022 11:49

Why on earth did you sleep with him?

From a male perspective rarely are we going to say no, however, I am always amazed at how often people (both s3x3s) give it up (s3x) on the very first date?!!? If I am serious about somebody and really want it to develop I would want to wait and make it special. When I have had s3x on first dates in the past it has always been with the expectation that it won't go any further or it will be just a FWB thing. All my long-term partners have been a slow burner in that respect.

Is this an update blip or are you scared to type "sex"?

Whooshaagh · 23/04/2022 11:58

@AHungryCaterpillar

Sex doesn’t equal a relationship, people don’t only sleep with someone they want a relationship with 🙄

I agree, in this case the OP wanted a relationship though. And the guy new this. Made all the right noises until he’d had what he wanted.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:02

Whooshaagh · 23/04/2022 11:58

@AHungryCaterpillar

Sex doesn’t equal a relationship, people don’t only sleep with someone they want a relationship with 🙄

I agree, in this case the OP wanted a relationship though. And the guy new this. Made all the right noises until he’d had what he wanted.

This. This is what its about 150% - its not about waiting, not having sex, having sex whatever

i have had a guy say he does not want to meet me for a second date because all he wants is sex and it was clear from the get go i would not be interested in that - so he did not want to waste my time. He said he felt bad even after having a first date with me (guilty). I am still friends with him and he is still single shagging around on tinder and bumble!!! So there are guys who know full well with how you present yourself that you are not into casual - this was one of those situations.

OP posts:
Whooshaagh · 23/04/2022 12:02

@Monstera1111 would you like to come and try my fancy coffee machine? Oh and may I introduce you to dcat. No, sorry you’ve failed the test. Bye!

if somebody called my pet motherfucker they be booted up the ass.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 23/04/2022 12:03

Truth bomb, apologies in advance.
If the sex is good the man won't walk.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:03

Whooshaagh · 23/04/2022 12:02

@Monstera1111 would you like to come and try my fancy coffee machine? Oh and may I introduce you to dcat. No, sorry you’ve failed the test. Bye!

if somebody called my pet motherfucker they be booted up the ass.

I think i might have to do daytime invites to the flat for the cat.

yes he was immature tbh - on reflection not the right one for me in the slightest

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 12:04

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 23/04/2022 12:03

Truth bomb, apologies in advance.
If the sex is good the man won't walk.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 12:04

Men lie to get women into bed shock horror we all know men do this and have been doing this forever, it’s not a new thing it’s up to you to weed out the ones that are lying hence why people recommended waiting, but nope keep sleeping with them on the first night and keep complaining that they only wanted sex.. 🤷‍♀️

CornishLamb · 23/04/2022 12:05

What were you hoping for this morning OP? To be officially in a relationship with him? Or just to have another date to see how it went?

If you’d had one more date and then he’d said he didn’t want to meet up again, would you still have felt tricked?

it seems a big shout to him expect someone to commit to a relationship with you when you’ve only had one date.