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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

496 replies

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:17

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s.

he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent.

i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu?

just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 23/04/2022 10:17

I would message him with:

"I know you said are unsure about meeting up again, let me make it easy for you. I have no intention of seeing you again, it was a very, very disappointing night for me and I looking for something much better - all the best"

Block and delete. I would need to have my say to get closure. This is not always the most mature approach but it works for me every time.

Dont get used again op flowers]

Softleftpowerstance · 23/04/2022 10:18

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:04

Its brutal he has on his profile ‘wants relationship’ and he said he had no time to waste as he is getting older snd wanting children 😭😭😭😭 its so annoying!!!!! You cannot tell!

That might still be true. Wanting a relationship doesn’t mean he’s obliged to have a relationship with anyone he dates.

Maybe he’s just an arse and a chancer. If so lucky escape. It sounds unpleasant but it’s on you - don’t have sex on a first date when you know nothing about whether the man has any interest in you.

Midlifemusings · 23/04/2022 10:19

Sex on a first date is always casual sex. You don't even know the person and there is no expectation of a long term relationship after a first date. A first date is a meet up, an introduction. You can't expect anything from either party at that point. If you want to have sex on a first date, go for it, but it is always casual sex. You should also never have strings attached to sex - you had sex - that doesn't mean he owes you anything or you owe him anything. No first date has long term relationship potential. You need to see if you actually like each other, are compatible, enjoy each other's company, are attracted etc before determining if there is long term potential. Both of you wanted sex and you had it. Nothing more to it. There is no emotional connection or any expectation after sex on a first date. It is just sex.

OutlookStalking · 23/04/2022 10:19

I'm a nit cinfused by this. Isn't half the point of dating to find put if you like ach other?

You can't expect someonw to commit to a ltr before even meeting them.

We often see posts on here after the first night or first sex and feeling it wasnt quite right chemisty- you wouldnt carry on just for the sake of it would you? If I slept with someone and didn't quite feel it I wouldnt carry on going out with them...

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:19

Im not even messaging him anything. He doesnt deserve a second more of time or attention - ive unmatched and blocked him

OP posts:
OutlookStalking · 23/04/2022 10:20

Good crosspost midlife.

I dont think hes done anything wrong. You both wanted sex? Both have the right to decide whether they want to do that again.

ToiletPoster2 · 23/04/2022 10:21

Having sex quickly means that you weed these people out quickly, so it's a positive from that perspective.
Generally, I wouldn't put much weight in what someone says before you meet.

Someone wants a "serious relationship" it doesn't mean they will want one with you and someone you haven't even met who is telling you that they want a "serious relationship" with you is a pure red flag.

From conversations I've had with men I know, a lot of them will take sex if it's offered, even if it's with someone they don't find particularly attractive.

dustofneptune · 23/04/2022 10:23

God, tbh OP I'm convinced that even people who genuinely think they want a relationship can change their mind / get scared / not be ready / have deep issues / etc. I've often found that the ones who are the most intense to begin with are the exact ones to behave that way, and then they flip a 180 the second they realise they're actually dealing with a human being who has feelings.

I don't think it matters when you have sex. I had a date with someone a couple of months back who love-bombed, and then dropped off within two weeks, once she realised I wasn't going to sleep with her quickly (I'm assuming that was the reason!). Then I dated someone else who was really sweet, slow-moving, wanted a relationship... only to find that once we met in person, she had a lot of sexual/emotional hangups and wasn't ready for anything at all.

My strategy now is this:


  • Give it 90+ days before I even start to consider someone "relationship material" - a lot can happen in the first few months!

  • Sleep with them when I want to, but don't equate sex to exclusivity

  • Keep talking to other people and arranging dates until/unless exclusivity is raised


The other thing I've kinda realised is that it doesn't matter what people say they want. It's probably realistically more about what develops naturally? So now I'm trying to just look at each situation as "just getting to know someone", and not associating an assumed intention with specific behaviours. If that makes sense!

You'll be more than ok!

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:24

It is true

OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 10:25

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong either! He doesn’t owe you a relationship because you slept with him and to pp suggesting she reports him to the dating site?! Wtf! Shock Don’t have sex on the first night if you’re not happy for it to be a ONS yes waiting doesn’t guarantee a relationship but at least it will weed out the ones that won’t even bother with a second date because they couldn’t be bothered to hang around. Lots of men won’t even see you again if you don’t put out on the first night. By all means sleep with someone on the first date but don’t be mad if it doesn’t turn into more.

crackingreward · 23/04/2022 10:26

OP you put yourself in a vulnerable position by inviting a guy you don't know back to your home. No judgement on any of it but don't bring them into your space when you don't even know them. Please be more careful.

MacaroniBaloney · 23/04/2022 10:26

In the kindest way, you need to stop having sex on a first date if you then think there's an obligation to see you again.

Fist date sex is just that. Casual, no strings, on commitment beyond that night.

It always stings when some one choses to not see you again, sex or no sex, after a first date.

That's the dating game though.

Dust yourself off, you've done nothing wrong. His loss.

Lovemusic33 · 23/04/2022 10:30

I would just accept that it was just sex, a bit disappointing if you were hoping for more but at least you had a good night? I would try not to over think it, don’t assume the issue is with you, he probably set out to get laid and never intended on anything more.

I have been here several times with on line dating, the endless texting before meeting, then eventually meeting up, going all the way and thinking it was all good only to never see them again. You may find he tries to contact you again when he’s after a shag, if you don’t want that then just block him and move on.

sansucre · 23/04/2022 10:32

Soultrader · 23/04/2022 09:36

If you're looking for long term don't have sex on the first date.

What a load of rubbish, and besides, even if OP had made her date wait until their 10th date to have sex, he could still have dumped her the next day.

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:34

I agree i have waited until the 20th date 😂😂 it makes no difference - at least this way I had a night with a guy and some fun and found out fairly promptly it was not going to continue!! Annoying though!! But sun is shining ☀️☀️☀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:35

My cat did not like him also - so I think block and move on. Always trust your cat x x x

OP posts:
lemmein · 23/04/2022 10:36

The amount of effort men will go to for a shag always amazes me.

Furrbabymama87 · 23/04/2022 10:36

I'm sorry it didn't work out but you're accountable for your own actions when it comes to sex. You had sex straight away, nothing wrong with that if it feels right in the moment, sometimes it works in your favour, sometimes not. The decent thing for him to do would be to cut short the date and not had sex, knowing he doesn't want to see you again, or not led you on if he's just wanted a shag all along, but loads of men will take sex if it's offered. Maybe in future you should wait a bit to see what their intentions are before you go to bed because now you feel bad about yourself. As I said, there's nothing wrong if you do that, I've done it myself. But that way you're protecting yourself from being hurt and laying the control in someone else's hands.

Knittingchamp · 23/04/2022 10:37

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:19

Im not even messaging him anything. He doesnt deserve a second more of time or attention - ive unmatched and blocked him

Bravo OP, and also don't feel bad for having sex on the first date. Nothing wrong in that. I remember a one night stand on my part turning into one of the longest relationships of my life! (He pursued more than me, too). The guy was a liar and only average in bed. He was a shit ans you have every right to feel angry about that. But he's the fool not you and you are way too good for a liar who isn't great in bed.

SoloIVFer · 23/04/2022 10:37

@Monstera1111

Read the 'Lalala let me explain, Block delete move on' book!! x

Kirsike · 23/04/2022 10:38

gannett · 23/04/2022 09:32

Hopefully the sex was good at least?

Only shag on the first date if you're happy with the possibility that it ends up being a ONS. I did that plenty of times so never had any complaints about men only being after one thing (after all, it was often me after that one thing as well).

What she said! Many moons ago in my single days that was my principle too. Prob saved a good amount of nerves and disappointment with not expecting more. As it happens my dp for nearly 9yrs now was the last of those first dates 😅

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 23/04/2022 10:39

A friend and I were chatting to the same guy (unknowingly). She was on Tinder and I was on Fab. He was telling her he wanted the usual LTR, settle down etc whilst telling me that he wasn't looking for a relationship, just a FWB (which was what I also wanted). Oh we did have fun in a coffee shop with tea and cake both messaging him at the same time. Poor chap had no idea. Needless to say neither of us met up with him. Lesson is a lot of men will tell you exactly what you want to hear to get their end away.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/04/2022 10:39

Maybe he wasn't just after sex but he just wasn't feeling it?
that's allowed! It's a risk with dating. Nobody owes anyone their time or a relationship.

JeSuisFattyGay · 23/04/2022 10:40

Soultrader · 23/04/2022 09:36

If you're looking for long term don't have sex on the first date.

This.

CounsellorTroi · 23/04/2022 10:41

I’d feel a bit upset if it was a date with someone who’d made it clear they were after a relationship and knew I was too, only to realise they didn’t want one with me but thought they might as well get a shag out of it. The gentlemanly thing to have done would be to say “look, I don’t think this is going to go any further, but if you’re up for a shag then so am I” or words to that effect!