Page 20 | ‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

Monstera1111 · 2022-04-23T08:17:49+00:00

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s. he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent. i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu? just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 15:52

unfortunately that feeling of “being taken a bit advantage of” almost resulted in the op going to the police to report him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/04/2022 16:08

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 15:52

unfortunately that feeling of “being taken a bit advantage of” almost resulted in the op going to the police to report him.

Fortunately for him she didn't though.

Fortunately he stopped when she said stop.

Fortunately he didn't choke her hard enough to hurt her.

He's not a completely innocent victim of circumstance in this scenario however hard you seem determined to paint him as one.

He made a really bad call and did something that would frighten many women and also has the potential to injure them.

The fact it's worrying she still wanted to see him and was still interested in him, or felt rejected by him, doesn't change how bad a call he made...

Drlove · 25/04/2022 16:21

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/04/2022 16:08

Fortunately for him she didn't though.

Fortunately he stopped when she said stop.

Fortunately he didn't choke her hard enough to hurt her.

He's not a completely innocent victim of circumstance in this scenario however hard you seem determined to paint him as one.

He made a really bad call and did something that would frighten many women and also has the potential to injure them.

The fact it's worrying she still wanted to see him and was still interested in him, or felt rejected by him, doesn't change how bad a call he made...

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Agree 100%

Why OP even asked to see him again? It is not clear - but it seems over the course of that day the penny dropped for her. I think she was so upset because she realised the reality she projected onto her (and he alluded to himself) was shattered by the morning. AFTER giving her body - and it seems she had made wise choices from holding out from sex before, for prolonged periods of time. I do not feel he is entirely innocent.

Badgirlriri · 25/04/2022 16:30

I’m unsure why OP is so hurt he doesn’t want a LTR when she has mentioned numerous times she is dating multiple men.

There are so many drip feeds I’m not sure I find the account of the night totally believable.

Overall this thread is very scary. Men have every right to change their mind, without having the threat of being reported to the police as a rapist.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/04/2022 17:21

Badgirlriri · 25/04/2022 16:30

I’m unsure why OP is so hurt he doesn’t want a LTR when she has mentioned numerous times she is dating multiple men.

There are so many drip feeds I’m not sure I find the account of the night totally believable.

Overall this thread is very scary. Men have every right to change their mind, without having the threat of being reported to the police as a rapist.

Yes. And women have the right to have consensual sex without being choked without permission.

Countdownis35 · 25/04/2022 17:41

@youvegottenminuteslynn I have never read a thread like this before. It's worrying to say the least.

This is not about what sexual acts took place is it? OP didn't really post about that initially. She has massively drip fed... even if the guy did choke her.... was it in a way where she felt unsafe? Feared for her safety in her own home?

These are serious accusations OP is making it is not a joke!!

Countdownis35 · 25/04/2022 17:44

tomatoandherbs · 25/04/2022 15:52

unfortunately that feeling of “being taken a bit advantage of” almost resulted in the op going to the police to report him.

OP sounds unhinged! I can relate to that feeling of being issue however I would never go to the police FFS.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/04/2022 17:56

even if the guy did choke her.... was it in a way where she felt unsafe?

Fuck me, what a depressing statement in 2022.

I'm bowing out, I'm so disappointed at this kind of comment but not that surprised.

It makes me deeply concerned for the next generation that things like choking without consent are now seen as fair game and apparently have to be 'the right kind' of non consensual choking to be considered unsafe by default.

"Even if the guy did choke her..." isn't a sentence that can ever end well when it comes to women's rights really.

AHungryCaterpillar · 25/04/2022 18:07

Op said
“he said you can make a woman orgasm by choking them
i have been in health care for sixteen years and i am unclear of the basis of this logic 😂😂😂”

So this guy choked her and she was going to the police yet she does laughing emojis?

She then said “hmmm the choking thing - he did not do it hard”

Then said “i didnt feel unsafe with him“

so at no point did she feel unsafe, or threatened by him.. he did something she didn’t like (but not hard) asked him to stop and he did she even did laughing emojis and you think she should report this man? Wow didn’t realise how bitter some women are

Countdownis35 · 25/04/2022 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RantyAunty · 26/04/2022 02:46

SexyPortugese · 25/04/2022 14:18

Also, FemaleDatingStrategy are the female equivalent of incels. A terrifying echo chamber. They have a few good points about how to conduct yourself if you're looking for something serious but take the rest with a huuuuuge pinch of salt.

FDS has nothing to do with incels.
The women aren't stalking and harrassing and shooting men like incels do to women.
There's been a backlash in women's rights. Young women being expected to do painful, dangerous, degrading sex acts to have a boyfriend.

Sexual assault was at an all time high for a 12 month period increasing 13%.

Usernameinsponeeded · 26/04/2022 03:14

I can’t believe the backlash OP is getting from some posters claiming it’s all her fault!
wow, just wow.

Indicatrice · 26/04/2022 03:18

@Countdownis35 your posts are horribly sexist and misogynistic.

Countdownis35 · 26/04/2022 06:24

Usernameinsponeeded · 26/04/2022 03:14

I can’t believe the backlash OP is getting from some posters claiming it’s all her fault!
wow, just wow.

I'm sorry but OP is accountable she took a strange back to her own own, the next morning she wanted something serious and now she has mentioned the police.

Why hasn't she gone to the police? OP is the horrible one.

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 07:26

Indicatrice · 26/04/2022 03:18

@Countdownis35 your posts are horribly sexist and misogynistic.

Where? Absolutely not as far as I read them

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 07:28

Usernameinsponeeded · 26/04/2022 03:14

I can’t believe the backlash OP is getting from some posters claiming it’s all her fault!
wow, just wow.

It’s no one’s “fault”

It’s a one night stand.

and a case of “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

but no one, despite best efforts of some posters, and indeed the OP, is at “fault”

x2boys · 26/04/2022 07:37

Drlove · 25/04/2022 16:21

Agree 100%

Why OP even asked to see him again? It is not clear - but it seems over the course of that day the penny dropped for her. I think she was so upset because she realised the reality she projected onto her (and he alluded to himself) was shattered by the morning. AFTER giving her body - and it seems she had made wise choices from holding out from sex before, for prolonged periods of time. I do not feel he is entirely innocent.

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The penny dropped or ,the madness and hysteria of Mumsnet egging someone on ?
It's a scary place sometime,s .

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 07:40

I’m just relieved common sense prevailed and the tables turned on this thread

AHungryCaterpillar · 26/04/2022 08:14

x2boys · 26/04/2022 07:37

The penny dropped or ,the madness and hysteria of Mumsnet egging someone on ?
It's a scary place sometime,s .

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Yes absolutely! Seen it happen on MN time and time again.

Yellownightmare · 26/04/2022 14:41

Badgirlriri · 25/04/2022 16:30

I’m unsure why OP is so hurt he doesn’t want a LTR when she has mentioned numerous times she is dating multiple men.

There are so many drip feeds I’m not sure I find the account of the night totally believable.

Overall this thread is very scary. Men have every right to change their mind, without having the threat of being reported to the police as a rapist.

That's what you find scary. That women are questioning whether or not a man led a woman on for sex.

I think what is MUCH more scary is that women actually have died from choking during sex. It's been used as a defence against actual murder.

This man didn't even ask for consent or have any boundaries around it.

I think it's excellent that we're having the conversations around red flags, consent and manipulative behaviour from men. On a largely female website.

It's a bit sickening that so many people are using the thread as an opportunity to slut-shame the OP rather than advise or support her. Those people that talked about red flags are far more useful than the 'what do you expect' posts.

So much misogynistic twaddle on this thread. There are plenty of outlets for the poor men for us to offer it up here. Some of the more vocal posters seem to be using it as a platform for both their misogynism and their opportunity to shut down women's conversations about where boundaries should be. This is more than distasteful, it's worrying.

I genuinely hope it's men coming on here and there aren't many actual women trotting out these views.

Usernameinsponeeded · 27/04/2022 01:00

Yellownightmare · 26/04/2022 14:41

That's what you find scary. That women are questioning whether or not a man led a woman on for sex.

I think what is MUCH more scary is that women actually have died from choking during sex. It's been used as a defence against actual murder.

This man didn't even ask for consent or have any boundaries around it.

I think it's excellent that we're having the conversations around red flags, consent and manipulative behaviour from men. On a largely female website.

It's a bit sickening that so many people are using the thread as an opportunity to slut-shame the OP rather than advise or support her. Those people that talked about red flags are far more useful than the 'what do you expect' posts.

So much misogynistic twaddle on this thread. There are plenty of outlets for the poor men for us to offer it up here. Some of the more vocal posters seem to be using it as a platform for both their misogynism and their opportunity to shut down women's conversations about where boundaries should be. This is more than distasteful, it's worrying.

I genuinely hope it's men coming on here and there aren't many actual women trotting out these views.

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100% ALL of this