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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

496 replies

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:17

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s.

he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent.

i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu?

just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:41

He had ample opportunity to cut the date short - I even asked him how he felt the date was going and how be felt about seeing me again before sex. It was all positive. Bear in mind we had two video calls 2/3 hours each, one phone call also. So by the time it came to this first date it was not like normal online first dates. We had sex twice also - the second time on his insistence more - obviously I consented but would have rather slept. After that time he said ‘do you want me to go?’ - but it was late he had been drinking and I didnt mind, I said you can go if you want?

its just hurtful because he clearly knew within an hour of seeing me face to face last night it would just be a shag and something was off for him - which is entitled to I get that. But he continued the charade just to get sex. Its pathetic

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/04/2022 10:42

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:04

Its brutal he has on his profile ‘wants relationship’ and he said he had no time to waste as he is getting older snd wanting children 😭😭😭😭 its so annoying!!!!! You cannot tell!

I'm sorry to be brutal but you need to wake up! Just because he's looking for a relationship doesn't mean it's automatically with you. He clearly wasn't feeling it and that's ok! It doesn't mean he was lying, just that you aren't the one for him.

AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 10:43

Like others have said men will rarely turn down sex even if they don’t fancy you which is another reason to not sleep with someone on the first date as if he didn’t fancy you and didn’t get sex he probably wouldn’t have bothered to see you again. 🤷‍♀️

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/04/2022 10:46

OP gently do you think you're in a good headspace for dating?

I ask as you didn't pick up on the red flag of constant contact morning til night, or you did pick up on it but ignored it and continued that level of contact for weeks.

And you say you'd rather have slept instead of had sex a second time but gave in to his 'insistence' which is worrying as it sounds like your boundaries are maybe not robust and you're people pleasing to your own detriment.

And not to sound patronising but you invited someone who is basically a stranger into your home the first time you met in person which is a safety issue.

All of it added together makes me wonder if dating in the current landscape (it's brutal out there!) is a good idea for you right now?

Antarcticant · 23/04/2022 10:46

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/04/2022 10:39

Maybe he wasn't just after sex but he just wasn't feeling it?
that's allowed! It's a risk with dating. Nobody owes anyone their time or a relationship.

But if he wasn't feeling it, why have sex with the OP? Obviously he was attracted enough to the OP to want to have sex, but he should have been upfront about it before sex if no relationship was on the cards.

stealthninjamum · 23/04/2022 10:48

Op I would unblock him. He was probably after an ego boost as well as sex. When he comes back to you - they always do - you can ignore him and that’ll hurt his ego.

i got dumped by someone. A year later he came back. I ignored it as he was clearly just after a shag.

PriestessofPing · 23/04/2022 10:49

Sometimes we get intimate with other people and realise it was a one time only deal and we don’t want to repeat it, even if we thought we might beforehand. It might have literally just been that he felt you were not compatible, which is not
great but at least he was upfront. If he was just after sex then surely he’d keep seeing you if you got on ok.

It happens, doesn’t make him a tosser, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to see you again and told you. That’s hurtful from your point of view so you told him to do one. Fair enough on both counts. 🤷‍♀️

JeSuisFattyGay · 23/04/2022 10:50

I don't think men need to find someone particularly attractive to want to have sex. It's probably better if they do, but I'd think that if a woman is anything from 'ok plus', a man who hasn't had a shag for a while is going to be up for it. OP needs better boundaries, and not to shag people on first dates (which is in any case a bit risky - I wouldn't invite a stranger back to mine).

mumda · 23/04/2022 10:50

Mindymomo · 23/04/2022 09:26

How did you feel the date went?

Dear reader she shagged him.

His long slow build up worked. She was gagging. Assume at worst he has a dozen other birds waiting for him. At best he takes three weeks to build up another to a frenzy.

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 23/04/2022 10:51

Apart from the sex part, was the date good enough to make you want to take it further anyway?

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:51

CounsellorTroi · 23/04/2022 10:41

I’d feel a bit upset if it was a date with someone who’d made it clear they were after a relationship and knew I was too, only to realise they didn’t want one with me but thought they might as well get a shag out of it. The gentlemanly thing to have done would be to say “look, I don’t think this is going to go any further, but if you’re up for a shag then so am I” or words to that effect!

This is excatly what I mean - I would have just laughed and enjoyed my evening making a new friend with him if he had done this? And enjoyed the sex etc. But thats not the way it was sold to me whatsoever.

OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 10:52

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 23/04/2022 10:51

Apart from the sex part, was the date good enough to make you want to take it further anyway?

Clearly if she slept with him... twice.

Branleuse · 23/04/2022 10:55

I think its often only when you have sex that you can tell whether theres a proper romantic and sexual connection rather than just getting on as friends.
Waiting longer wont help, as plenty of people are excited by the chase and will do that as long as it takes. Holding out on having sex when you actually would quite like to shag seems pointless to me. Its not a prize for him to work for to prove himself surely?

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:55

PriestessofPing · 23/04/2022 10:49

Sometimes we get intimate with other people and realise it was a one time only deal and we don’t want to repeat it, even if we thought we might beforehand. It might have literally just been that he felt you were not compatible, which is not
great but at least he was upfront. If he was just after sex then surely he’d keep seeing you if you got on ok.

It happens, doesn’t make him a tosser, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to see you again and told you. That’s hurtful from your point of view so you told him to do one. Fair enough on both counts. 🤷‍♀️

He only told me because I am straight talking and upfront and asked him as he was leaving. I guarentee if I did not ask him he would have done the slow fade, gaslight, critism etc…

OP posts:
WisherWood · 23/04/2022 10:55

6 date rule - no sex before.

They'll just make sure they go on 7 dates with you. Bit of a waste of time really.

AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 10:56

Branleuse · 23/04/2022 10:55

I think its often only when you have sex that you can tell whether theres a proper romantic and sexual connection rather than just getting on as friends.
Waiting longer wont help, as plenty of people are excited by the chase and will do that as long as it takes. Holding out on having sex when you actually would quite like to shag seems pointless to me. Its not a prize for him to work for to prove himself surely?

And sex also doesn’t mean he owes you a relationship

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 10:57

WisherWood · 23/04/2022 10:55

6 date rule - no sex before.

They'll just make sure they go on 7 dates with you. Bit of a waste of time really.

I agree

OP posts:
Steelesauce · 23/04/2022 10:58

Dating is so confusing. I've done this before, been built up and left for dust. I've made them wait and still been left for dust. I don't date anymore, I don't like the politics of texting too much/too little, when to sleep with them etc. I'm happier without the tinder drama 😂

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/04/2022 10:59

He’s a disingenuous twat. Sorry op. But your cat didn’t like him… lucky escape I reckon

boronia · 23/04/2022 10:59

Love bomber and then behaves like a total dick.
Very upsetting for you but you've dodged a bullet I think.
Sex on the first date is fine if both people are keen.
Good luck OP, he's pathetic and you can do much better. Xx

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 23/04/2022 11:00

AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 10:52

Clearly if she slept with him... twice.

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Thats naive 😂

AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 11:01

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 23/04/2022 11:00

Thats naive 😂

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Well then don’t sleep with someone if the date didn’t even go well 🤦🏻🤦🏻 Bloody hell get some boundaries if the date was shit why invite him into your bed

Sandra2010 · 23/04/2022 11:01

Lesson learned, I guess, if it hurts, don't do it again. It's ok to be a bit pssd but tbh, I wouldn't have expected more. Regardless of their age, men will take what they can get, I know of men in their 50s still doing that if they get half a chance. Despite us being 'the weaker sex' men will always be slaves to their hormones.

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 23/04/2022 11:02

You do realise I’m not the OP right?

Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 11:02

AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 10:56

And sex also doesn’t mean he owes you a relationship

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It doesnt. But thats not how it was sold to me I assure you. Until five minutes before he left this morning.

i have had casual sex, short relationships, long relationships, engagement and marriage! I am expierenced enough.

i do agree with comment about boundaries and perhaps not being in right head space to date - things have changed so so much. I am far too trusting. I dont think i have ever had someone over to my flat on the first date though - i guess his 2/3 weeks of build up did work 😐

last Saturday I had a date with a guy who works at the uni, we had pizza and drinks and we walked home and he went home - i seen him last thursday and it was similar vibe - I would not have him over to my flat? I am not sure how this guy last night did it as I would not usually?? I think it was the constant messaging and telling me what I wanted to hear. It just feels like i have been used.

to poster to saying to unblock him - why? I dont want to be friends with some one like this? If he had said last night ‘he didnt want anything serious’ blah blah the usual - he probably knows i wouldnt have slept with him, he purposely omitted information prior to sex to get what he wanted and dumped me after? That is worse i think. Its cohersive

OP posts: