Page 17 | ‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

Monstera1111 · 2022-04-23T08:17:49+00:00

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s. he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent. i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu? just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 08:14

If she tells the truth as per this thread to the police ie date, came back, had sex, he put jams around neck as sex act, she asked him to stop, he did, he stayed over, she wanted to see him again, he said he didn’t and left…. Then the police will look at her rather quizzically.

i just hope the op does keep to the facts.

CornishLamb · 24/04/2022 08:14

@RantyAunty - “Rape by deception” is not in the sexual offences act. I have reported your post.

You are encouraging a woman to report a man for rape. Because he “deceived” her by giving the impression that he wanted a serious relationship but then didn’t want one after all.

That is not within the definition of rape. It is insulting to women who have been raped. The OP is clearly someone who is emotionally vulnerable and it is dangerous to promote misinformation and to encourage her to visit the police and tell them she has been raped because her sexual partner did not want to see her again. You must see that is insane and that she will feel more humiliated than ever?

OrlandointheWilderness · 24/04/2022 08:21

This is unreal, just because you spend a few weeks chatting without meeting it doesn't mean the chemistry is immediately there! He had every right to say he didn't want to see you again, he possibly just wasn't feeling it. The chocking thing is a non issue - some people DO like it, he didn't do it hard and stopped the second you said no so I'm really not getting why this is a problem.
I cannot believe you are thinking of going to the police for this.

SaggyBlinders · 24/04/2022 08:36

stiritwithaknife · 23/04/2022 17:49

Here were your red flags...

too much too fast:

telling you that you were so special very shortly after matching

telling you he was looking for a wife, he's dangling the carrot when you're still just getting to know each other and haven't even met face to face

having you meet his mum before your first date even

this is lovebombing: it's making you feel much closer and more intimate than you actually are, speeding the timeline along

sociopathy demonstrated to others:

hatefully swearing at your cat

stating he used his ex-gf because he was bored and dumped her because she liked him more than he liked her

too slick / overconfident:

always seems to say exactly what you want to hear

bought condoms on the way to your first date, so assured that you would sleep with him

disrespectful and totally nonchalant over what longterm negative impressions he might give you - like he's about to ditch you soon:

insulting your pet in your own home as a guest

arriving late for your first date

nagging you into a second round of sex

performing undesirable sex acts on you, and without even bothering to ask first

acting like it's no big deal when you stop him, like he's not at all concerned with what you'll think of him afterward

I notice you complained, "i hold off having sex for months and get ghosted, have sex early when things seem to be going well and same result."

But that's the filter working exactly as intended. You WANT these kinds of men to ghost you for not sleeping with them quickly. You want them filtered.

You're not going to turn a man from one type to another simply by when you choose to sleep with them. You're just going to be able to better filter out this type.

Excellent post about red flags.

When I was OLD I found it better to limit talking over text or the phone for weeks before a first date. People can pretend to be who they want before you've even met them, and there's also the danger of building them up in your head through rose tinted glasses, ignoring any potential red flags and focusing on potential positives or reading too much into them. It can build a false intimacy, and the level of texting and phone calls early on in a relationship is rarely sustainable.

First date rules for me were:

No alcohol. I wanted to be sure that I actually liked them sober.
Day time activity in a public place, usually a walk and maybe a coffee afterwards.
Always have something planned a couple of hours after meeting them, usually meeting a friend. Sometimes you can get swept up in the rush of meeting someone seemingly attractive, who is complimentary towards you, and need a bit of time to think it over afterwards and think "do I really want to see this person again? Were there any potential red flags?
And no sex. That's not to say that first date sex can't lead onto relationship because it absolutely can, but I didn't feel comfortable with it, and as mentioned above, it was an effective filter to get rid of some of the creeps.

Also, and I mean this kindly OP, but it sounds like you really want a relationship, to the point where you are overlooking red flags. Maybe a short pause on dating for now, and focusing on the good things about being single, would be a good idea? Then restart dating with the mindset of asking yourself if you would like to see this man again, rather than asking the man himself?

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 24/04/2022 08:46

I’ve been keeping an eye on this thread and I’m stunned with the latest update

so the @Monstera1111 was upset he didn’t want to see her again. After getting upset and getting over 400 responses on Internet forum, she’s four to report him for an assault?!

What the actual heck?

my understanding is that the sex wasn’t so bad if she wanted to see him again! So if he agreed, she’s happily engage with him on the next occasion… But because he refused, she then felt violated and assaulted, because he sweet talked her over FaceTime, promised marriage and introduced his mum 🤦🏻‍♀️

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 08:47

This thread should be retitled

”hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 24/04/2022 09:12

CornishLamb · 24/04/2022 08:14

@RantyAunty - “Rape by deception” is not in the sexual offences act. I have reported your post.

You are encouraging a woman to report a man for rape. Because he “deceived” her by giving the impression that he wanted a serious relationship but then didn’t want one after all.

That is not within the definition of rape. It is insulting to women who have been raped. The OP is clearly someone who is emotionally vulnerable and it is dangerous to promote misinformation and to encourage her to visit the police and tell them she has been raped because her sexual partner did not want to see her again. You must see that is insane and that she will feel more humiliated than ever?

It's disgusting and a slap in the face. I've been raped and to even indicate this is rape, is completely disgraceful.

apricotlane · 24/04/2022 09:17

I think due to a change in discussion there is confusion for the OP as to whether she has in fact been assaulted when actually, nasty as it is, consensual sex with 'choking' is not illegal unless there was a danger to life. In general terms people consider it unhealthy and abusive behaviour but in this context it does not sound like an assault whether or not people privately consider it to be.

But for those that are watching the progression that while I definitely don't think this is the case here, please note in reality there is no 'time limit' on realising you've been raped or assaulted if that is truly truly the case.

In this case it sounds like consensual sex alongside some very undesirable behaviour but it doesn't constitute an assault.

Puffalicious · 24/04/2022 09:18

saggyblinders

Superb post.

Indicatrice · 24/04/2022 09:25

I got the impression OP wants to report him because he tried to choke her without her consent rather than because she now regrets having sex with him. Only OP can clarify.

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 24/04/2022 09:25

💐💐

thanks for the advice guys. I was upset last night.

i suppose he was just a bit of a pig and i will never see him again anyway - i have blocked him. Lesson learned.

he behaved unsavoury with the choking and as horrible as it is he probably seen it as sign we were incompatible as it seemed the woman he had dated before liked it and it was so normalised. He told me his exes were far younger than us (early twenties)

@SaggyBlinders this is great advice thank you - amazing post 💐💐💐💐💐💐

@tomatoandherbs you really dislike me 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

OP posts:

FelixDaHouskat · 24/04/2022 09:28

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 08:47

This thread should be retitled

”hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

you could also refashion your username as tomatoandmisogyny

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 24/04/2022 09:28

Indicatrice · 24/04/2022 09:25

I got the impression OP wants to report him because he tried to choke her without her consent rather than because she now regrets having sex with him. Only OP can clarify.

Yes this was what it was about - as I realised as the day went on the day was odd. Reporting due to choking without prior discussion or consent. He used both hands. No one had ever done it to me before.

i am not reporting him - and just thankful I found out he was like that sooner than wasting more time on him

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

OP posts:

apricotlane · 24/04/2022 09:29

@tomatoandherbs is a man? Or has a lot of internalised misogyny.

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 24/04/2022 09:29

FelixDaHouskat · 24/04/2022 09:28

you could also refashion your username as tomatoandmisogyny

Show quote history

😂😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 24/04/2022 09:30

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 24/04/2022 09:12

It's disgusting and a slap in the face. I've been raped and to even indicate this is rape, is completely disgraceful.

Show quote history

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious i am so sorry ❣️💐

OP posts:

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 24/04/2022 09:37

The bottom line is. He was not the guy for me - but I could have made choices which could have prevented the events that occured overnight given hindsight. However, he was very convincing. On reflection he did not want a long term relationship - because men who want something stable and long term usually want to get to know you slowly and steadily to make sure they dont get mess around either.

the choking thing was a sign of the times and what so many men do - i have no idea where it came from as the guys never did it when i was dating when i was 18-22? It just seemed so normalised and i guess last night when i realised i was upset, did some reading and realized how serious it for a man to do that without discussion and consent. So many sad stories of woman being hurt by this - its heartbreaking

OP posts:

SaggyBlinders · 24/04/2022 09:44

Two more red flags:

any man who tries to do anything sexual without asking for your consent first (choking etc), and when you make it clear that you are not comfortable, he follows it up with "all/most women/my exes love/like it!". Any man who does stuff like this and then says "but you lot (women) love it!" needs to get straight in the bin. Us women are not all the same: we like different things. He either can't get his thick head around the fact that women are living creatures with their own tastes and preferences in the bedroom, or he doesn't care about ensuring that you feel comfortable and is just bothered about his own pleasure so will pressure you into agreeing to it, neither one is appealing. One of my friends does actually quite enjoy being choked - by someone who she trusts and has discussed it with them beforehand. She'd be pissed off if someone tried to do it to her with no discussion at all on a first date.

And second red flag - any man who talks about their exes in a negative way. Why do they even need to mention their exes on a date? But a man bitching about them suggests that they have a wounded male ego, no thanks.

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 24/04/2022 09:58

SaggyBlinders · 24/04/2022 09:44

Two more red flags:

any man who tries to do anything sexual without asking for your consent first (choking etc), and when you make it clear that you are not comfortable, he follows it up with "all/most women/my exes love/like it!". Any man who does stuff like this and then says "but you lot (women) love it!" needs to get straight in the bin. Us women are not all the same: we like different things. He either can't get his thick head around the fact that women are living creatures with their own tastes and preferences in the bedroom, or he doesn't care about ensuring that you feel comfortable and is just bothered about his own pleasure so will pressure you into agreeing to it, neither one is appealing. One of my friends does actually quite enjoy being choked - by someone who she trusts and has discussed it with them beforehand. She'd be pissed off if someone tried to do it to her with no discussion at all on a first date.

And second red flag - any man who talks about their exes in a negative way. Why do they even need to mention their exes on a date? But a man bitching about them suggests that they have a wounded male ego, no thanks.

Also i have no idea if woman do actually orgasim for being choked??!?

he told me ‘you can make a woman organism by choking them’ - i am not sure which clitoral or g spot sensors are near the carotids so I am not sure what the physiology is?
it was all a bit locker room talk but i suppose it might work for that generation (early 20s) that he dated before

it makes me angry that these guys can convince these niave young woman that its so normal whereas you do it to me - i tell you stop immediately and 12 hours later i have researched enough i was contemplated contacting the police 😂😂😂😂😂😂

OP posts:

CounsellorTroi · 24/04/2022 10:15

JeSuisFattyGay · 23/04/2022 17:56

I'm sorry @Monstera1111 You're braver than I am, really, as I would rather be single forever than use apps and OLD and whatnot (I haven't even got a device that has apps, so a man who used apps would be an instant turn-off).

It's a bit of a trite thing to say, but you're more likely to meet someone and get to know them through an activity that you both enjoy (or at work). Once you've actually got to know them properly, it might be a bit clearer whether they are after a relationship (and in a position to pursue one - i.e. single) or whether they're just after sex. You're also more likely to either fancy them or not, as a result of knowing them better. I don't see how anyone can really fancy anyone whom they don't know and love (though I've never had a ONS, so I may be made differently).

I agree @JeSuisFattyGay I met my husband of 32 years when I joined a choir. So had the opportunity to get to know him socially, see how he was with other people generally and that other people liked him. Re ONS I’d had a couple but didn’t particularly enjoy them and don’t think think they would be my thing if I were single. I need to know, trust and at least like someone very much before having sex.

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 24/04/2022 11:03

@CounsellorTroi @JeSuisFattyGay I think a new strategy I will have if I use online again will be to meet someone who already goes to same gym / yoga studio / coffee shops / restraunts as me - who I could have bumped into anyway. I guess as well I could ask around a bit about them too.

after this expierence I am going to have sky rocket standards for online dating and leave at the first red flag

OP posts:

Autumndays123 · 24/04/2022 11:29

Wow. Just wow. This thread is truly awful.

OP, you knew this man for a couple of weeks! This is ridiculous. In the past, I have chatted to someone online for a few weeks and thought the chemistry was amazing. When we met f2f the chemistry wasn't as great but I thought I would see how the sex went. First time wasn't great, but the 'first time' with any couple usually isn't, so I gave it another go the same evening. Second time was equally as underwhelming so I drew a line under it and moved on! That seems to be quite normal behaviour in adults who are trying to meet their match?

You've moaned about all his awful qualities he presented WHILST ON THE DATE and you STILL had sex with him. I fail to understand how he created this fake persona to trick you into bed when at the same time he presented himself as an unpleasant person? Very contradictory.

You made a decision as two consenting adults to have sex, it didn't work out. Move on. So what of he bought condoms on the way to the date? (Which you knew before you slept with him), I've always advised my son to make sure he always takes precautions and carries condoms on dates, because you never know what will happen. Judging him for that is just bizarre.

As for the choking, you seem to have been fed by the hysteria on here and have created this illusion that you have been sexually abused. Should he have choked you without asking? No. Can we think perhaps this is something he has done with his previous partners and they have enjoyed it? Yes perhaps. I for one love it in the bedroom! He stopped once you said you didn't enjoy it and he did it softly to start with anyway!

I'm gobsmacked you considered going to the police. I've not read anything so malicious in a long time. Let's face it, you were going because he decided not to see you again. What on earth would you have said to the police? You were having consensual sex with a ONS and he choked you gently, you said no thanks and he stopped? What a kick in the face for actual victims of sexual assault.

Forget there being a report function for this man on the dating app, I hope there is a report function to highlight women like you to other men! Truly truly awful thread.

AHungryCaterpillar · 24/04/2022 11:43

Autumndays123 · 24/04/2022 11:29

Wow. Just wow. This thread is truly awful.

OP, you knew this man for a couple of weeks! This is ridiculous. In the past, I have chatted to someone online for a few weeks and thought the chemistry was amazing. When we met f2f the chemistry wasn't as great but I thought I would see how the sex went. First time wasn't great, but the 'first time' with any couple usually isn't, so I gave it another go the same evening. Second time was equally as underwhelming so I drew a line under it and moved on! That seems to be quite normal behaviour in adults who are trying to meet their match?

You've moaned about all his awful qualities he presented WHILST ON THE DATE and you STILL had sex with him. I fail to understand how he created this fake persona to trick you into bed when at the same time he presented himself as an unpleasant person? Very contradictory.

You made a decision as two consenting adults to have sex, it didn't work out. Move on. So what of he bought condoms on the way to the date? (Which you knew before you slept with him), I've always advised my son to make sure he always takes precautions and carries condoms on dates, because you never know what will happen. Judging him for that is just bizarre.

As for the choking, you seem to have been fed by the hysteria on here and have created this illusion that you have been sexually abused. Should he have choked you without asking? No. Can we think perhaps this is something he has done with his previous partners and they have enjoyed it? Yes perhaps. I for one love it in the bedroom! He stopped once you said you didn't enjoy it and he did it softly to start with anyway!

I'm gobsmacked you considered going to the police. I've not read anything so malicious in a long time. Let's face it, you were going because he decided not to see you again. What on earth would you have said to the police? You were having consensual sex with a ONS and he choked you gently, you said no thanks and he stopped? What a kick in the face for actual victims of sexual assault.

Forget there being a report function for this man on the dating app, I hope there is a report function to highlight women like you to other men! Truly truly awful thread.

Exactly, wanting to report to the dating site because he slept with her and didn’t want to see her again... maybe don’t sleep with people on the first date if you don’t want to take that risk, then reporting him to the police again because he didn’t want to see her again, there’s no way you would have wanted to report him if he did want to see you again so let’s be clear you wanted to do it because he didn’t. It’s the men that need to be wary here you are type of woman that reports men for revenge.

x2boys · 24/04/2022 12:01

This isn't a new thing ,back in my single days some men would say pretty much anything for a shag ,if you want to go along with it then don't expect anything more then a one night stand , ironically my dh was a one night stand,but it turned into a relationship,I would say this is probably an exception to the norm
Or even sometimes both men and women go off the sexual partner after sex ,as maybe they don't feel any chemistry it's not illegal to have sex and not want to see someone again

AHungryCaterpillar · 24/04/2022 12:20

Yep, I haven’t slept with anyone in over 10 years but when I was younger men lied all the time to get you into bed!! We all knew it! We all knew they was lying, a man will say anything to get in your bed, pretend they like you so much see a future with you then drop you after, it’s well known that men do this so if you fall for it then it’s your own fault, any man telling you he wants to marry you, sees a future with you, wants a wife, on the first date is lying!! If this became a crime then im Pretty sure every man will need to be arrested as I’m sure every man has told a lie to get someone into bed at least one point in their life.