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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

496 replies

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:17

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s.

he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent.

i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu?

just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 22:16

Crazykatie · 23/04/2022 21:38

Then just go to the police and make a complaint, it won’t get a conviction but it WILL go on his record and WILL be used against him if it happens again, if all women did that it would be a big step forward.

I am going tomorrow to the station down the road

OP posts:
FleurDeLizz · 23/04/2022 22:44

I think it’s pretty unclear that description of the experience is from the website you’ve linked to, and not actually what happened to you. Is that intentional? Because this is what you’ve said about what he did to you:

hmmm the choking thing - he did not do it hard and it was no normalised - he basically said all woman like it during sex (the ones he has been with) and was even surprised I questioned him about it??

i didnt feel unsafe with him but I think its a sign that alot of these guys are fairly porn sick - regardless of age.

you’ve gone from crying when he left because you felt used when you pushed him to say he didn’t want to see you again, to heading off to the police station to report him for…what?

JoeGoldberg · 23/04/2022 22:50

The power of a few internet randoms eh. Crikey. This thread took a strange turn.

STARCATCHER22 · 23/04/2022 23:13

FleurDeLizz · 23/04/2022 22:44

I think it’s pretty unclear that description of the experience is from the website you’ve linked to, and not actually what happened to you. Is that intentional? Because this is what you’ve said about what he did to you:

hmmm the choking thing - he did not do it hard and it was no normalised - he basically said all woman like it during sex (the ones he has been with) and was even surprised I questioned him about it??

i didnt feel unsafe with him but I think its a sign that alot of these guys are fairly porn sick - regardless of age.

you’ve gone from crying when he left because you felt used when you pushed him to say he didn’t want to see you again, to heading off to the police station to report him for…what?

I was wondering the same thing. I’m not exactly sure what you’re going to report to the police. Unless I have understood incorrectly, he tried to choke you (not hard which I gather means that he put his hands on your neck) during sex and when you said that you weren’t into it, he stopped (although his whole “other women like it” is shitty). I don’t think choking is in anyway acceptable but this doesn’t sound like a crime…

Don’t get me wrong, he sounds pretty awful and I think you’ve done the right thing blocking him but I can’t really fathom where the idea of reporting him to the police has come from.

Waitingforbabyno1toarrive · 23/04/2022 23:17

I've seen a few people say "don't have sex on the first date if you want it to last" type comments.

I knew my current partner through work, although he had left to work somewhere else. We starting chatting online about 6 months after he left, it had never been flirty before that.
Very quickly it got flirty, sexual and we decided to have sex.
I genuinely thought his would be a short lived, casual booty call (for both of us).
We ended up spending the next year without going a single day (and within 2 weeks) a single night a part.
We're due to be married soon and are expecting our first (planned) baby.

My point is, just because you have sex with someone early on, shouldn't mean you should assume it won't work out, especially if you've both talked for a couple of weeks about wanting something long term.

Good luck next time OP, the right one will come.

AHungryCaterpillar · 23/04/2022 23:21

Waitingforbabyno1toarrive · 23/04/2022 23:17

I've seen a few people say "don't have sex on the first date if you want it to last" type comments.

I knew my current partner through work, although he had left to work somewhere else. We starting chatting online about 6 months after he left, it had never been flirty before that.
Very quickly it got flirty, sexual and we decided to have sex.
I genuinely thought his would be a short lived, casual booty call (for both of us).
We ended up spending the next year without going a single day (and within 2 weeks) a single night a part.
We're due to be married soon and are expecting our first (planned) baby.

My point is, just because you have sex with someone early on, shouldn't mean you should assume it won't work out, especially if you've both talked for a couple of weeks about wanting something long term.

Good luck next time OP, the right one will come.

No one is disputing that just saying it’s rare and unlikely to happen and you shouldn’t sleep with people on the first date in the hope it will develop into more just see it for what it is and if it does develop great but if it doesn’t then accept it for what it was.

I am also confused what you are going to report and I don’t think it would be good for your MH to report this, you wanted to see him again if he was up for it now suddenly he isn’t you are going to report him? Is that to punish him?., I would be careful here.

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 23/04/2022 23:24

You were crying this morning because he hurt your feelings about not wanting another date with you (and we are to assume that's what you wanted since you asked him if he wanted to do something again), but now you're going to report him for some alleged assault during a consensual sex session when you asked him not to do something he obliged and you continued to have sex with him rather than flinging him out on his ear there and then?

If you genuinely feel you were assaulted go ahead and contact the police as is your absolute right, but I'd have a good hard think about whether you're actually just trying to create a situation where there isn't one because he's hurt your feelings.

SunnyShiner · 23/04/2022 23:54

This thread has turned a bit strange I think.

I'm not sure going to the police is the right thing to do in this situation

Yellownightmare · 24/04/2022 00:22

DrBlackbird · 23/04/2022 16:57

Two friends I know ended up marrying the guy they slept with on their first date. Another one married the guy that she slept with on their 4th date.

FGS… ‘girlfriend material’… what does that even mean? Stop blaming the OP for being ‘too easy’ as this is essentially the age old bloody standards that you’re applying here. Man as stud. Woman as slut. And I cannot believe that women are blaming another woman for being ’bad’ at sex as the reason for a man mistreating her. Are we back in the 1950’s?

@Monstera1111 am so sorry that you had a shit experience. We can learn from those. Stop to listen to your inner voice questioning those red flags. In essence, make sure that you interview them for role of bf before you audition for role of gf.

This!

I think the problem is that we're socialised to believe that we have to win over guys and make them like us. We then forget to consider if we really like them, especially if they're love bombing us - we should be so grateful [puzzled]

OP I wonder if you lack a bit of confidence. You say that you're successful career wise but maybe you've lost a little bit of confidence on the dating side.

You really deserve far more than these users. And if it keeps happening, it's not anything wrong with you, except your boundaries are not as strong as they might be and a particular kind of guy is picking up on that.

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

There's some misogynistic thinking about dating on this thread. I assume it's from people who've been lucky enough to have met someone decent and believe it's all about their innate wonderfulness and don't see there's some luck involved. The boundaries involved are less about when you have sex but about who you have sex with.

Do some reading about boundaries. Maybe have some therapy or do some self development stuff.

Putting together all the info I don't think it's about this guy not feeling it or finding the chemistry wasn't there, especially given the choking. You're right that there's more to it than that and don't be influenced into believing it's all your fault for putting out too early or not doing sex right. Trust your own instincts. I'm sure they're far more accurate than what a complete stranger is projecting onto you.

CornishLamb · 24/04/2022 00:26

This morning you were angry that he didn’t want to see you again. Maybe sleep on it and give yourself a chance to work through those feelings of rejection, instead of looking up articles about choking during sex and getting yourself angrier. This isn’t going to help you feel better.

You met someone you hoped to have a serious relationship with. It isn’t going to happen and you regret that you had sex with him. That does sting. But it doesn’t really make him a villain. We are all allowed to change our minds about things, and he didn’t actually promise you much to start with, you were just invested really early.

This could be a good site for you, some articles and advice about working on your own self esteem and boundaries, instead of obsessing about someone else’s behaviour.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

JennyJumpup · 24/04/2022 00:38

I don't get it. The consensus seems to be that he was just after sex. He does the deed and is then offered a second opportunity for sex, and… declines? Why?

Pemba · 24/04/2022 01:07

I think it is good that the OP is informing the police. People (women) can do easily DIE from being choked. Obviously. It should not be normalised.

FleurDeLizz · 24/04/2022 01:23

Pemba · 24/04/2022 01:07

I think it is good that the OP is informing the police. People (women) can do easily DIE from being choked. Obviously. It should not be normalised.

Really? She said she felt safe with him and doesn’t say he really did anything to hurt or scare her and she was confused about why he was doing it rather than afraid. What exactly is she going to tell the police he did?

the fairly upsetting account she posted of someone being choked was not something that happened to her - she reposted it from a website without any context. Kind of suspicious around the motives there

milkyaqua · 24/04/2022 01:31

So, the OP is all about how rotten this man was having sex with her when he knew she was after a longterm relationship, and how upset she was when he was non-committal/disinterested in seeing her again, the morning after, and now it's a police matter? I just hope she doesn't drip feed to the police.

RantyAunty · 24/04/2022 02:41

I'm glad you are going to the police as you were assaulted and violated by him. FlowersFlowersFlowers
That is why you feel so bad.
There is a thing called rape by deception and this is what happened to you.

Rape by deception is a situation in which the perpetrator obtains the victim's agreement to engage in sexual intercourse or other sex acts, but gains it by deception, such as false statements or actions, including leading the target into illusory perceptions in order to get sex

There have been a few cases prosecuted but not many as of course, it's difficult to prove.

You did nothing wrong here at all.

To anyone who thinks he did nothing wrong, needs to give their head a wobble.

Kittromney · 24/04/2022 03:52

Goodness me OP, you’re overthinking this.

he may well have wanted a long term relationship , but maybe he just didn’t gel with you after your first date. Just because he told you he’s after something long-term, it doesn’t mean he’s legally bound to keep seeing you! He’s allowed to not keep seeing someone he doesn’t want to, and sex can sometimes cement that decision.

When you asked him straight, he told you straight. What is wrong with that? Stop feeling used, it’s just sex, and you consented to it. What if you hadn’t liked him after sex ? Should he be reporting you to the police because you promised him an LTR?

As for not having sex till the 100th date or whatever, it really doesn’t matter. I’ve slept with every bloke I’ve been with on the first night. One of them ghosted me after and it stung a bit, so I feel you OP. But I still ended up sleeping with the next guy on the first night and now we are getting married in August.

Fair that you didn’t like the choking, but he stopped when you asked him to?

BadNomad · 24/04/2022 05:38

I know it feels better to think you were tricked into sex rather than rejected the next day, but there's nothing to indicate that is what happened. It's more likely that he went on a date, had sex with his willing date, then the next morning wasn't feeling the connection is there. And now that you're feeling scorned you're convincing yourself he's a potential sex criminal and you're going to report him to the police? Wind your neck in. Men don't need to string women along for 18 dates just to get sex. Dating apps are full of women who are up for one-nighters only too.

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 05:56

BadNomad · 24/04/2022 05:38

I know it feels better to think you were tricked into sex rather than rejected the next day, but there's nothing to indicate that is what happened. It's more likely that he went on a date, had sex with his willing date, then the next morning wasn't feeling the connection is there. And now that you're feeling scorned you're convincing yourself he's a potential sex criminal and you're going to report him to the police? Wind your neck in. Men don't need to string women along for 18 dates just to get sex. Dating apps are full of women who are up for one-nighters only too.

This

Aprilx · 24/04/2022 06:12

RantyAunty · 24/04/2022 02:41

I'm glad you are going to the police as you were assaulted and violated by him. FlowersFlowersFlowers
That is why you feel so bad.
There is a thing called rape by deception and this is what happened to you.

Rape by deception is a situation in which the perpetrator obtains the victim's agreement to engage in sexual intercourse or other sex acts, but gains it by deception, such as false statements or actions, including leading the target into illusory perceptions in order to get sex

There have been a few cases prosecuted but not many as of course, it's difficult to prove.

You did nothing wrong here at all.

To anyone who thinks he did nothing wrong, needs to give their head a wobble.

OP didn’t do anything wrong, I agree with you on that. But I can’t agree with much else. If somebody tried to choke me, they would have been asked to leave right there and then and from what OP has said, I believe this man would have obliged had she asked him to go. I don’t like that a man tried to do this, but he did stop when asked.

Women who have reported crimes have long been accused of making things up to get back at someone. OP would be adding credence to that argument considering if she had only been asked on a second date, she wouldn’t even be thinking of going to the police. Now that is wrong.

Crazykatie · 24/04/2022 06:28

Attitudes need to change, women are dying from alleged choking sessions going too far, this is a pretty liberal female forum are there any women on here that actually enjoy being choked.
There may well be a few that have tolerated it, but enjoyed ?

The plea “ she likes it rough” is far too easy and impossible to disprove.

Choking is dangerous and has only become more common because porn sites have portrayed it as enjoyable, time to get it stopped. If this guy is reported he will get interviewed and his computer seized and examined, if it’s a one off it goes no further and he is much more careful in future, but he could be doing this every other week to a string of women.

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 06:35

Both said they wanted an LTR

they met. The my date was underwhelming

they go back to the OP’s. The sex was “ok”. The man put his hands around OP’s neck as part of sex-choking, he should have asked, he did not. The op asked him to stop. He did immediately.

the next morning the op asked if he wanted to see her again. He said no.

the op starts a thread about how hurt she is.

by the end of the thread, she is going to the police to report this man.

unbelievable. A woman scorned… and look at what happens

Kitkatbar2018 · 24/04/2022 06:39

Always trust your cat, a guy I was dating came back to mine and my cat who is known by all to be super chill, really patient was just hissing away at him. My cat jumped on him to hiss at his face, got pushed off and came back more..... It was so nuts I didn't know whether to laugh or worry. As soon as the guy left my cat was back to his usual self all chill like he hadn't just won a round with old Freddie Kruegar. The guy sent me a message saying some horrible stuff to me next and also said I should put my psycho cat down. I let me cat have a whole bag of treats that 🤣🐱

Sorry you experienced this, sadly it does feel like kissing and shagging a farm of frogs before you meet someone decent and by that everyone looks like a frog!!!

Countdownis35 · 24/04/2022 06:45

Many men make declarations of love, when they want to make love.

I agree with the other poster you definitely need to wait when you meet people on a dating app... a lot of men on their just want sex. Don't put yourself in that position again. I don't think he mislead you though because you willingly moved a bit too quick with him.

FleurDeLizz · 24/04/2022 07:32

Crazykatie · 24/04/2022 06:28

Attitudes need to change, women are dying from alleged choking sessions going too far, this is a pretty liberal female forum are there any women on here that actually enjoy being choked.
There may well be a few that have tolerated it, but enjoyed ?

The plea “ she likes it rough” is far too easy and impossible to disprove.

Choking is dangerous and has only become more common because porn sites have portrayed it as enjoyable, time to get it stopped. If this guy is reported he will get interviewed and his computer seized and examined, if it’s a one off it goes no further and he is much more careful in future, but he could be doing this every other week to a string of women.

So it’s ok to report a man to the police out of spite because he turned you down, because all that’ll happen is his computer will be checked and if he’s got nothing to hide he should be ok with that? Have I got that right?

do you absolutely honestly believe that having committed no crime, this man deserves to have his privacy breached in that way? Would you be ok with it if it was your brother who had not harmed, frightened, or made his date feel unsafe, but who was reported to the police anyway?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 24/04/2022 08:08

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 06:35

Both said they wanted an LTR

they met. The my date was underwhelming

they go back to the OP’s. The sex was “ok”. The man put his hands around OP’s neck as part of sex-choking, he should have asked, he did not. The op asked him to stop. He did immediately.

the next morning the op asked if he wanted to see her again. He said no.

the op starts a thread about how hurt she is.

by the end of the thread, she is going to the police to report this man.

unbelievable. A woman scorned… and look at what happens

Exactly this. For god sake she wanted to see him again in the morning, they had sex twice and he did something she didn't particularly enjoy but didn't stop him. It's not rape or assault. She's bitter because he didn't want to see her again after having sex twice.