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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

496 replies

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:17

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s.

he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent.

i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu?

just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

OP posts:
HipsterMum · 24/04/2022 12:38

It does look like this thread went in a completely different direction ever since I first commented. Although it probably wasn't the best of experiences , it doesn't sounds as a sexual assault. It doesn't seem like the guy ever crossed that line. Consent can be withdrawn at any stage during sex if anyone is uncomfortable with how the process is going. Choking during sex to me is terrifying and I would have probably asked the person to stop and leave there and then. Its extremely unpleasant to feel used in this way, I would advise for OP to treat herself to something nice and just put it down as one of those bad experiences.

On a separate note, I've been around Italian men quite a lot (studied abroad in Italy) and usually they do have a very high opinion of themselves. They also in a very strange way make quite decent husbands (got a few friends married to Italians). I know its not a pleasant truth but he got what he wanted. They especially do like this idea of winning a woman over, for her to be almost like something they had to work really hard to get. Gives their ego a massive boost. Perhaps, it is a coincidence but all of the ones I know are married to Eastern European women.

Honestly, just try to forget about the whole experience and do something nice for yourself . All the best .

Midlifemusings · 24/04/2022 12:46

I don't understand why you would let someone you neer met buy you designer clothes or why you would act like you would think you were in a relationship with someone you had yet to meet.

And telling you he loved you - when you had never met? That would have made me immediately ditch him. I can't stand any of the fake flattery or stupidness before you meet. There were red flags waving madly but it seems you ignored them because you were getting things bought for you. Neither of you were in this for the right reasons.

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 16:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted as it is not in the spirit of the site.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/04/2022 16:31

@tomatoandherbs

You're being unnecessarily mean spirited to OP, maybe give it a rest now as you're not adding anything to the thread other than making yourself look like a bully.

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:02

Because I feel cross that a man can’t change his mind without vitriol Aimed at him

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/04/2022 17:09

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:02

Because I feel cross that a man can’t change his mind without vitriol Aimed at him

You writing snarky posts repeatedly to a stranger, who is posting about another stranger, on a forum isn't going to change that though is it?

Because you've made your position clear and are now just twisting the knife, undermining your original stance on this as you now just sound like you're trying to upset OP.

It's unnecessary, unkind and does nothing at this point other than make you sound like a bully.

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:10

Because the op was going to go to the police!

and not one post have I been sarcastic

Daisydot87 · 24/04/2022 17:12
  1. She is vulnearable and clearly communicated she was looking for a long term relationship

  2. he knew this and took advantage of this - probably knowing full well within a minute of meeting her he would not want a long term relationship with her before going back to her flat (men usually know within minutes if you are friend/sex/relationship zoned)

Whoever mentioned her being the issue with sexual performance 🙄

  1. i work in sexual health and it is well documented it can take a few days for traumatic events to be processed - this is excatly what appears to have happened here. The penny dropped hours after he left about the choking - we were getting drip fed.

  2. all the thoughtful commentors who have laid out the red flags are spot on and helpful very helpful

i hope she is ok. we will not be getting the full story

@tomatoandherbs you do realise you have no idea what the mental health of this woman is and that your comments could be exceptionally damaging to someone who already could have the character of showing she has poor boundaries, can be manipulated and could have low self esteem. You maybe have meant this as tough love but it comes across as bullying.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/04/2022 17:13

I said snarky, not sarcy.

You can disagree with an OP's choices without sounding like a bully. You're just not trying to.

But you do you. I just thought it might be good for you to consider how you're coming across and the fact it's not constructive at all and reflects poorly on you rather than anyone else 🤷🏻‍♀️

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/04/2022 17:14

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/04/2022 17:13

I said snarky, not sarcy.

You can disagree with an OP's choices without sounding like a bully. You're just not trying to.

But you do you. I just thought it might be good for you to consider how you're coming across and the fact it's not constructive at all and reflects poorly on you rather than anyone else 🤷🏻‍♀️

This was to @tomatoandherbs obviously.

anon2334 · 24/04/2022 17:15

notanothertakeaway · 23/04/2022 14:06

Agree with this

I have limited sympathy for OP. You sleep with someone on a first date, that's casual sex. And if you're not ok with that, don't do it. Simples

I agree, it's weird but it can work but very very rarely however, He doesn't like you, he doesn't see you as long term material. It was just sex. What are you so upset about? He isn't even your boyfriend ìs he. When a man really likes a woman he will take his time too. Sex is easy to find, something more is a lot harder.

Nanny0gg · 24/04/2022 17:15

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 09:25

I was definately clear I wanted a long term relationship.
he got what he wanted (sex) and did the bait and switch. So annoying!!!
he was very convincing!!! Ffs!!!!

But he hadn't promised anything so you can be as clear as you like, he doesn't (and didn't) have to take any notice.

Still, onwards and upwards

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:17

I am frustrated because in the space of 24 hours I saw mumsnet hysteria almost result in the OP going to the police to report this man.

and the thought that precious police time could be wasted and a man’s life unfairly disrupted - frustrated me profoundly

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/04/2022 17:23

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:17

I am frustrated because in the space of 24 hours I saw mumsnet hysteria almost result in the OP going to the police to report this man.

and the thought that precious police time could be wasted and a man’s life unfairly disrupted - frustrated me profoundly

Yep. You've made that point now. Repeating it while adding snarky comments isn't doing anything productive and easily turns into what looks like you bullying an OP, so maybe it's better to step away from threads when it gets to that stage.

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:30

So what is new about more recent threads?

CordeliaLOVEScocktails · 24/04/2022 18:16

This is something to put down to experience but also learn from. And don't beat yourself up over it.

I've had some really shitty experiences in the past. I was a people pleaser. Let men dictate a bit. Felt being sexy and nice and amenable would get me 'the one'. Was convinced meeting 'the one' was all I needed to do for a better future. I wasn't enough on my own.

I didn't meet the one because I was codependent. Low self esteem. No clear boundaries. Wasn't watching out for myself. Wasn't sure who I was or what I stood for.

Now I'm almost divorced after 20yrs in a rubbish unhealthy relationship and looking at dating again.

I've already had a poor experience. Flirting a lot with a married Ex. During lockdown. Met him last year for a coffee and had a bit of a snog. Then it sort of faded. Made me feel bad for a while. Like me in the Cheshire wasn't hot enough. And then I thought. Hang on! He's an Ex and you finished with him. And he's Married. Had to get a grip.

Now I'm working hard at me. Who I am. What I want. So if I do meet someone it's all about whether they are right for me and not the other way around.

I now do CoDa UK which is worth a look.

Hang in there and build out from this. Know your boundaries. Be your own 'cat guardian'. I just love that description! ❤️

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 24/04/2022 18:53

Does anyone else cringe when someone says ‘Simples’ at the end of the sentence, it comes across and stupid and smug tbh

EddyF · 24/04/2022 19:33

Autumndays123 · 24/04/2022 11:29

Wow. Just wow. This thread is truly awful.

OP, you knew this man for a couple of weeks! This is ridiculous. In the past, I have chatted to someone online for a few weeks and thought the chemistry was amazing. When we met f2f the chemistry wasn't as great but I thought I would see how the sex went. First time wasn't great, but the 'first time' with any couple usually isn't, so I gave it another go the same evening. Second time was equally as underwhelming so I drew a line under it and moved on! That seems to be quite normal behaviour in adults who are trying to meet their match?

You've moaned about all his awful qualities he presented WHILST ON THE DATE and you STILL had sex with him. I fail to understand how he created this fake persona to trick you into bed when at the same time he presented himself as an unpleasant person? Very contradictory.

You made a decision as two consenting adults to have sex, it didn't work out. Move on. So what of he bought condoms on the way to the date? (Which you knew before you slept with him), I've always advised my son to make sure he always takes precautions and carries condoms on dates, because you never know what will happen. Judging him for that is just bizarre.

As for the choking, you seem to have been fed by the hysteria on here and have created this illusion that you have been sexually abused. Should he have choked you without asking? No. Can we think perhaps this is something he has done with his previous partners and they have enjoyed it? Yes perhaps. I for one love it in the bedroom! He stopped once you said you didn't enjoy it and he did it softly to start with anyway!

I'm gobsmacked you considered going to the police. I've not read anything so malicious in a long time. Let's face it, you were going because he decided not to see you again. What on earth would you have said to the police? You were having consensual sex with a ONS and he choked you gently, you said no thanks and he stopped? What a kick in the face for actual victims of sexual assault.

Forget there being a report function for this man on the dating app, I hope there is a report function to highlight women like you to other men! Truly truly awful thread.

I agree with you. What a weird thread.

JoeGoldberg · 24/04/2022 19:39

Autumndays123 · 24/04/2022 11:29

Wow. Just wow. This thread is truly awful.

OP, you knew this man for a couple of weeks! This is ridiculous. In the past, I have chatted to someone online for a few weeks and thought the chemistry was amazing. When we met f2f the chemistry wasn't as great but I thought I would see how the sex went. First time wasn't great, but the 'first time' with any couple usually isn't, so I gave it another go the same evening. Second time was equally as underwhelming so I drew a line under it and moved on! That seems to be quite normal behaviour in adults who are trying to meet their match?

You've moaned about all his awful qualities he presented WHILST ON THE DATE and you STILL had sex with him. I fail to understand how he created this fake persona to trick you into bed when at the same time he presented himself as an unpleasant person? Very contradictory.

You made a decision as two consenting adults to have sex, it didn't work out. Move on. So what of he bought condoms on the way to the date? (Which you knew before you slept with him), I've always advised my son to make sure he always takes precautions and carries condoms on dates, because you never know what will happen. Judging him for that is just bizarre.

As for the choking, you seem to have been fed by the hysteria on here and have created this illusion that you have been sexually abused. Should he have choked you without asking? No. Can we think perhaps this is something he has done with his previous partners and they have enjoyed it? Yes perhaps. I for one love it in the bedroom! He stopped once you said you didn't enjoy it and he did it softly to start with anyway!

I'm gobsmacked you considered going to the police. I've not read anything so malicious in a long time. Let's face it, you were going because he decided not to see you again. What on earth would you have said to the police? You were having consensual sex with a ONS and he choked you gently, you said no thanks and he stopped? What a kick in the face for actual victims of sexual assault.

Forget there being a report function for this man on the dating app, I hope there is a report function to highlight women like you to other men! Truly truly awful thread.

Completely agree. As I said upthread it only takes the frenzy of a few internet randoms and boom, the whole tone of the thread changes. That's bloody scary when you think about it.

WinnieMac · 24/04/2022 19:49

I have RTFT and am afraid I agree with @Autumndays123

Internet hysteria is a very dangerous thing.

YankeeDad · 24/04/2022 22:29

tomatoandherbs · 24/04/2022 17:17

I am frustrated because in the space of 24 hours I saw mumsnet hysteria almost result in the OP going to the police to report this man.

and the thought that precious police time could be wasted and a man’s life unfairly disrupted - frustrated me profoundly

I am frustrated you cannot see that this man unfairly disrupted a woman’s life by choking her without first making damned sure he had consent for that, and clearly he didn’t.

The rest of it is not and cannot be illegal, but I really cannot think of any other situation where a guy can suddenly put his hands around a woman’s throat and have it be considered by some people as being OK. Given he did that, it might have been a good thing for that guy’s life to get at least a little bit disrupted by having a difficult conversation with the police! Maybe that would stop him from doing the same thing again. If it had that effect, it would most certainly be a good use of police time.

Anyway, a police report is not going to happen, since OPs primary responsibility now is to take care of herself, not to deal with whatever further crap she’s likely to face from the police if she brings any of this to them.

Goldijobsandthe3bears · 24/04/2022 22:40

Choking someone on a first date 😱😱

RantyAunty · 25/04/2022 02:04

@Daisydot87 Thank you for your post pointing out OPs rights.

Many horrible things have been done to women in the past that were perfectly legal and aren't legal now and people used to defend those behaviours.

It took long enough for marital rape and coercive control to be seen as wrong and still, women are very reluctant to report anything at all due to the deeply misogynistic and victim blaming that still exists in our society.

There have been court cases about this and law proposals.

When people lie to obtain money, we call it theft. When they lie to enter
private property, we call it trespass. When they lie to obtain sex . . . we have no
idea what to call it.

Some call it lawful seduction. Others call it criminal rape.
An Israeli court recently aligned itself with the latter camp when it convicted an Arab man of rape-by-deception for falsely claiming that he was a Jewish bachelor in order to have sex with a Jewish woman.

So too did a Scottish court when it convicted a transgendered man of “sexual intimacy by fraud” for failing to reveal his gender history to his girlfriend.

In contrast, a grand jury in New Jersey sided with those who call lying to obtain sex an act of lawful seduction when it refused to indict a man for sexual assault for having sex with his fiancée after lying about his nationality, profession, and marital status.In response, New Jersey Assemblyman Troy Singleton sought to amend the state’s rape laws to include a crime of sex obtained by fraud or deception.

Assemblyman Singleton challenged those who opposed the bill to ask themselves: should the law “afford less legal protection to a person’s body than it does to that person’s property?”

After all, he asked, “if it is a crime to deceive individuals out of their property,
how can it be lawful to deceive them out of their bodies?”

The criminal case and subsequent bill sparked a national conversation and a healthy dose of scholarly commentary on the limits of rape law and the fuzzy line between permissible sex and unlawful rape.

STARCATCHER22 · 25/04/2022 06:12

RantyAunty · 25/04/2022 02:04

@Daisydot87 Thank you for your post pointing out OPs rights.

Many horrible things have been done to women in the past that were perfectly legal and aren't legal now and people used to defend those behaviours.

It took long enough for marital rape and coercive control to be seen as wrong and still, women are very reluctant to report anything at all due to the deeply misogynistic and victim blaming that still exists in our society.

There have been court cases about this and law proposals.

When people lie to obtain money, we call it theft. When they lie to enter
private property, we call it trespass. When they lie to obtain sex . . . we have no
idea what to call it.

Some call it lawful seduction. Others call it criminal rape.
An Israeli court recently aligned itself with the latter camp when it convicted an Arab man of rape-by-deception for falsely claiming that he was a Jewish bachelor in order to have sex with a Jewish woman.

So too did a Scottish court when it convicted a transgendered man of “sexual intimacy by fraud” for failing to reveal his gender history to his girlfriend.

In contrast, a grand jury in New Jersey sided with those who call lying to obtain sex an act of lawful seduction when it refused to indict a man for sexual assault for having sex with his fiancée after lying about his nationality, profession, and marital status.In response, New Jersey Assemblyman Troy Singleton sought to amend the state’s rape laws to include a crime of sex obtained by fraud or deception.

Assemblyman Singleton challenged those who opposed the bill to ask themselves: should the law “afford less legal protection to a person’s body than it does to that person’s property?”

After all, he asked, “if it is a crime to deceive individuals out of their property,
how can it be lawful to deceive them out of their bodies?”

The criminal case and subsequent bill sparked a national conversation and a healthy dose of scholarly commentary on the limits of rape law and the fuzzy line between permissible sex and unlawful rape.

In the examples you have given, the men in question lied about who they were. In those cases, the women couldn’t possibly give informed consent as they didn’t know who the man really was. This is a criminal offence and counts as sexual assault as informed consent cannot be given.

This is not what happened to the OP. The man was who he said he was. He may not have been fully truthful about his intentions (we do not know this for sure as it’s possible he is looking for a LTR but not with the OP) but this is not illegal. God knows how you think this could be proven.

Giraffesandbottom · 25/04/2022 06:34

This thread is fucking mental. I appreciate you had a disappointment and felt rejected, but it’s not reasonable for this thread to have escalated to him being supposed a “pornsick fuck”, compared to a rapist, called a gaslighter (for what?! Trying to extricate himself politely having changed his mind about you?) and all manner of things.

I think you sound extremely immature. OLD is hard, I’ve seen my friends go through it and it’s unpleasant. It’s fine to admit you liked him and this hurt you. The crazy anger, supposition and escalation about this man is not healthy.