Page 15 | ‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

Monstera1111 · 2022-04-23T08:17:49+00:00

I went on a first date last night - after about 2/3 weeks of endless messaging backwards and forwards (I know). - using dating apps, both in 30s. he ended up staying over after a couple of drinks in bar (I know) and we had sex (I know). He was getting ready for work this morning and I said are you wanting to do something again? He was like ‘i dont know’ - I laughed and said ‘so thats a no then’ and he went silent. i just assume he was looking for sex / I wasnt what he thought in the end but was too polite to say. Aibu? just leaving it now - I like the mumsnet advice of block and delete and I might do that here tbh. He knew full well I was looking for a long term thing and would not have had sex if it was just casual. So annoying!!!!!!

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:56

Crazykatie · 23/04/2022 17:52

Monstera

I was hard on you to get a message across, unless YOU just want a quick shag get to know a guy before you get between the sheets, after a couple of platonic dates you probably would have ditched him anyway. Some men are not interested in long term anything and know exactly how to lie, which buttons to press to get you into bed, including “ mother wants me to get a wife” LOL .

If a man wants long term commitment he does not expect sex, he is looking for a special girl who is going to be his partner, you need to convince him you are special.

💐🐈 thank you x x x x x

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDots · 23/04/2022 17:59

Then I don't understand... Your OP read as if you were disappointed and let down and felt used because you thought that a relationship was on the cards. It read that this was the reason for you blocking him.

But now you're saying that you were sexually abused and you only put him on the spot as he left, to enquire about a second date because... ?

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 17:59

JeSuisFattyGay · 23/04/2022 17:56

I'm sorry @Monstera1111 You're braver than I am, really, as I would rather be single forever than use apps and OLD and whatnot (I haven't even got a device that has apps, so a man who used apps would be an instant turn-off).

It's a bit of a trite thing to say, but you're more likely to meet someone and get to know them through an activity that you both enjoy (or at work). Once you've actually got to know them properly, it might be a bit clearer whether they are after a relationship (and in a position to pursue one - i.e. single) or whether they're just after sex. You're also more likely to either fancy them or not, as a result of knowing them better. I don't see how anyone can really fancy anyone whom they don't know and love (though I've never had a ONS, so I may be made differently).

I actuallh met one on bumble a few weeks ago - he stayed next door to my best friend from uni and goes to the same yoga / pilates place as me. I think thats a much better starting point.

he is gorgeous and has been so respectful so far.
dates have been very nice and he seems a very kind and shy person. I think because we have the yoga place in common i know he already knows a few of my friends - which i see as a green flag -
so I think you have something in that

OP posts:

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 18:00

ThreeLittleDots · 23/04/2022 17:59

Then I don't understand... Your OP read as if you were disappointed and let down and felt used because you thought that a relationship was on the cards. It read that this was the reason for you blocking him.

But now you're saying that you were sexually abused and you only put him on the spot as he left, to enquire about a second date because... ?

I actually think the psyschology behind it was affirming what I already knew - that i had been used, and I just wanted affirmation from
him it was done tbh And confirm
my suspicions that he was creep

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDots · 23/04/2022 18:02

Ah that makes sense. Sorry for your experience. I've been there - a man I thought nice trash talking me during sex (without permission). It sucks.

x2boys · 23/04/2022 18:14

WaiveringKate · 23/04/2022 09:48

I think it's disgusting the way people treat each other these days, I really do. I'm certain it wasn't like this 15 years ago prior to meeting my (ex)husband.
OP, this happened to me recently after becoming single, except with my manager at work (I know) just goes to show you they don't just lurk around on dating apps. At least you don't have to see him again. For me, I was caught at a very low point and he took advantage of that. I have moments when I'm very angry.

I just think it's awful how people treat one another 😔

I have been with my dh 17 years , ironically after thinking it was a ONS ,but it absolutely was like this then too ,ok internet dating wasent really a thing ,but I met many men who were just after aex and would say all sorts of things to get a shag.

GetThatHelmetOn · 23/04/2022 18:21

I totally disagree with the idea that 99% of the men are bad, they aren’t, most of them are looking for the same things that most women are after but as it happens with women, some come with some baggage and may have developed a hypersensitive antena to detect imperfection or have got too quick at pressing the “next” button after a number of let downs. It happens to everyone, men or women.

I have been in OLD about 3 “seasons” in the last 15 years and dated over 100 men, I can assure you that apart of a weird professor, a nasty businessman, a married accountant and a psycho that become threatening when I declined a date, all the other have been lovely men that I am sure would have made nice husbands for other women, we simply didn’t click or have enough in common, but they were nice people, who treated me with respect. Each of those time I found a man that I liked and we had a nice, healthy relationship for several years.

Disclaimer: You may be thinking, why did she need to be back in OLD if the men she dated were so great? Well, they were great, and my exes as well, lovely men who were good both to me and my son. The problem is me, I am so traumatised by a very acrimonious divorce that everytime things get to the stage of “merging households” or they get on one knee I freak out and end up ruining the relationship by fearing ending up in a divorce process again. I can imagine many men and women feeling exactly as I do.

My suggestion Op, if you want a serious relationship, focus on those guys who are new to OLD, they are more likely to treat you with respect and take the trouble to get to know you well before moving things forwards (or backwards) as they are likely to carry less resentment and are not yet used to give up at the first sign of incompatibility.

thebeespyjamas · 23/04/2022 18:29

It's casual until he commits darling.

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 18:34

thebeespyjamas · 23/04/2022 18:29

It's casual until he commits darling.

you are right 💐

OP posts:

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 18:35

GetThatHelmetOn · 23/04/2022 18:21

I totally disagree with the idea that 99% of the men are bad, they aren’t, most of them are looking for the same things that most women are after but as it happens with women, some come with some baggage and may have developed a hypersensitive antena to detect imperfection or have got too quick at pressing the “next” button after a number of let downs. It happens to everyone, men or women.

I have been in OLD about 3 “seasons” in the last 15 years and dated over 100 men, I can assure you that apart of a weird professor, a nasty businessman, a married accountant and a psycho that become threatening when I declined a date, all the other have been lovely men that I am sure would have made nice husbands for other women, we simply didn’t click or have enough in common, but they were nice people, who treated me with respect. Each of those time I found a man that I liked and we had a nice, healthy relationship for several years.

Disclaimer: You may be thinking, why did she need to be back in OLD if the men she dated were so great? Well, they were great, and my exes as well, lovely men who were good both to me and my son. The problem is me, I am so traumatised by a very acrimonious divorce that everytime things get to the stage of “merging households” or they get on one knee I freak out and end up ruining the relationship by fearing ending up in a divorce process again. I can imagine many men and women feeling exactly as I do.

My suggestion Op, if you want a serious relationship, focus on those guys who are new to OLD, they are more likely to treat you with respect and take the trouble to get to know you well before moving things forwards (or backwards) as they are likely to carry less resentment and are not yet used to give up at the first sign of incompatibility.

To be fair - you are right.

the worst ones I met were italian surgeon, businessman and this one. All the others were actually just like reguarly guys you would meet at uni, at work or in the pub. I dont think its anything to do with meeting these guys online.

i could have met this guy from last night in a bar and the same thing happened

OP posts:

Puffalicious · 23/04/2022 18:57

OP I think you're right with meeting men via a shared interest/ group/ through friends. I suppose that way you have more chance to suss them out/ their interactions with others etc.

Join lots of new groups- you may find a new interest even if there's no suitable men.

I've had the opposite experience: I've never met a bad one. Perhaps I'm fortunate, but also I think my senses have always been honed (by DM and 2 very strong DSisters) to chat but avoid the chancers.

I met both exDH(22 years ago) and DH (12 years ago) in bars, but I think there's a lot less of that kind of meeting now

Good luck OP. You may need to kiss a lot of frogs, but they're just frogs- slimey bastards.

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 19:03

Puffalicious · 23/04/2022 18:57

OP I think you're right with meeting men via a shared interest/ group/ through friends. I suppose that way you have more chance to suss them out/ their interactions with others etc.

Join lots of new groups- you may find a new interest even if there's no suitable men.

I've had the opposite experience: I've never met a bad one. Perhaps I'm fortunate, but also I think my senses have always been honed (by DM and 2 very strong DSisters) to chat but avoid the chancers.

I met both exDH(22 years ago) and DH (12 years ago) in bars, but I think there's a lot less of that kind of meeting now

Good luck OP. You may need to kiss a lot of frogs, but they're just frogs- slimey bastards.

You are right about not being frogs
its slimey slimey time wasting frogs 🤢🤢🤢

OP posts:

Itawapuddytat · 23/04/2022 19:27

Don't feel too bad, OP, consider this as some experience as "what to avoid" (PP mentioned the long list of red flags). And yes, count yourself lucky that this guy is gone and blocked (from all you've said he sounds like a disrespectful arrogant sod) and you figured him out quickly. Trust your cat

I had ONSs in the past and don't see anything wrong with them. I treated them as exactly what they were and made it obvious to my partners that "we're having a good time, no strings attached, it is just sex"; I had FWB relationships (again, I made it clear from the start that this was what they were) and I had "proper" relationships, some who didn't last long, some long-term. I am married, and I have been married for many years. I had sex on the first date (because if this is what we both want, I do not see anything wrong about it) if I wanted to, and yes, in some cases this developed to more. However, as someone else mentioned above, when having sex from the beginning, I was totally aware that it could just fizzle out since none of us were committed at that time to anything (he might not want to continue, or I might not want to continue) or we might want to give it a shot for more. This is how I met my husband - it was not really a ONS, but a " very short holiday romance" thing, but we both really liked each other, both enjoyed each other's company, the sex had been great (NOT just OK) for both of us and we decided we wanted to take our time to know each other more after that. Which was the important thing. The falling in love and wanting to commit happened gradually, in time. Sex was important, but not the only important thing. A whole package, or combination of things.

... however, if any of my partners had tried to choke me as part of sex he'd been out ASAP (or I'd be out ASAP if not at home), I wouldn't wait for anyone to orgasm . Very, very dangerous behaviour! (if the person had discussed it with me earlier I would have made clear that it is not my thing, and if he had insisted "you might like it" "all women like it" etc etc I would have left right away)

GetThatHelmetOn · 23/04/2022 19:30

On the issue of frogs… I do totally agree with this image.

Op, don’t let this bad experience affect who you are, I somewhat missed the part of the choking so I would say that if he has been watching a lot of pornography or masturbating he might find it difficult to find a woman who can match those unrealistic expectations so take a step back put it down to sexual incompability (ie. I like intimate sex and he
likes choking people during sex so we were not on the same wavelength ) and try to put it behind you.

‘I dont know if I want to see you again’

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 19:57

Itawapuddytat · 23/04/2022 19:27

Don't feel too bad, OP, consider this as some experience as "what to avoid" (PP mentioned the long list of red flags). And yes, count yourself lucky that this guy is gone and blocked (from all you've said he sounds like a disrespectful arrogant sod) and you figured him out quickly. Trust your cat

I had ONSs in the past and don't see anything wrong with them. I treated them as exactly what they were and made it obvious to my partners that "we're having a good time, no strings attached, it is just sex"; I had FWB relationships (again, I made it clear from the start that this was what they were) and I had "proper" relationships, some who didn't last long, some long-term. I am married, and I have been married for many years. I had sex on the first date (because if this is what we both want, I do not see anything wrong about it) if I wanted to, and yes, in some cases this developed to more. However, as someone else mentioned above, when having sex from the beginning, I was totally aware that it could just fizzle out since none of us were committed at that time to anything (he might not want to continue, or I might not want to continue) or we might want to give it a shot for more. This is how I met my husband - it was not really a ONS, but a " very short holiday romance" thing, but we both really liked each other, both enjoyed each other's company, the sex had been great (NOT just OK) for both of us and we decided we wanted to take our time to know each other more after that. Which was the important thing. The falling in love and wanting to commit happened gradually, in time. Sex was important, but not the only important thing. A whole package, or combination of things.

... however, if any of my partners had tried to choke me as part of sex he'd been out ASAP (or I'd be out ASAP if not at home), I wouldn't wait for anyone to orgasm . Very, very dangerous behaviour! (if the person had discussed it with me earlier I would have made clear that it is not my thing, and if he had insisted "you might like it" "all women like it" etc etc I would have left right away)

Agree

i think its the choking thing thats made me so weird today
it was just so… normalised.
i was like wtf

OP posts:

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 19:58

GetThatHelmetOn · 23/04/2022 19:30

On the issue of frogs… I do totally agree with this image.

Op, don’t let this bad experience affect who you are, I somewhat missed the part of the choking so I would say that if he has been watching a lot of pornography or masturbating he might find it difficult to find a woman who can match those unrealistic expectations so take a step back put it down to sexual incompability (ie. I like intimate sex and he
likes choking people during sex so we were not on the same wavelength ) and try to put it behind you.

I love this image ❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 20:03

amp.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex

horrific

OP posts:

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 20:07

I’ve had so many women get in touch to say they have been horrified on Tinder dates by partners who have choked them during sex. If you’re dating, it’s expected of you and if you don’t go along with it, you’re boring.”
This is how Amber*, now 27, felt when she was first choked during sex in 2012 in Dublin. “I had met a friend of a friend on a night out and we went back to his. He was being rougher with me than I was used to, but I didn’t think anything of it. He grazed his hand on my neck – again, I didn’t think anything of it – then he started to squeeze.”

OP posts:

Itawapuddytat · 23/04/2022 20:19

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 20:07

I’ve had so many women get in touch to say they have been horrified on Tinder dates by partners who have choked them during sex. If you’re dating, it’s expected of you and if you don’t go along with it, you’re boring.”
This is how Amber*, now 27, felt when she was first choked during sex in 2012 in Dublin. “I had met a friend of a friend on a night out and we went back to his. He was being rougher with me than I was used to, but I didn’t think anything of it. He grazed his hand on my neck – again, I didn’t think anything of it – then he started to squeeze.”

Bloody hell, I am no shrinking violet, I had my share of fun and plenty of sexual partners and experimentation in "the wild days of my youth", but this is really horrific! I think that if I ever end up being single again I'd invest in some good sex toys for my own use, much safer and less likely to mess me up

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 20:26

Itawapuddytat · 23/04/2022 20:19

Bloody hell, I am no shrinking violet, I had my share of fun and plenty of sexual partners and experimentation in "the wild days of my youth", but this is really horrific! I think that if I ever end up being single again I'd invest in some good sex toys for my own use, much safer and less likely to mess me up

Show quote history

Well so have I but none like last night
i am actually in two minds about reporting it now
reading that article and doing some research
it is really not on

OP posts:

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 20:30

wecantconsenttothis.uk/our-stories

OP posts:

Original poster

Monstera1111 · 23/04/2022 20:39

‘Each time I clearly reiterated I want him to stop trying to choke me. Each time he would gaslight me that it was an innocent mistake and most women liked it- and suggested that since I like other kinky things I should not mind being choked. I told him if it was something he really needed to incorporate we needed boundaries around it so I felt safe and heard. He didn’t like that, as I now clearly remember the smirk on his face when he would do it. He was grooming me to give in and seeing if he could control me. That’s what he was getting off on.’

OP posts:

Crazykatie · 23/04/2022 21:38

Then just go to the police and make a complaint, it won’t get a conviction but it WILL go on his record and WILL be used against him if it happens again, if all women did that it would be a big step forward.

YankeeDad · 23/04/2022 21:53

@Monstera1111 just to say, I don’t think that you did anything wrong or outlandish, and it makes me angry and sad to read so many posts by people who seem to be suggesting that this was your “fault” in some way. Meeting a decent person and forming a connection with them should not require scheming and playing games.

Of course you did not “owe him a relationship”, but he was being a total dick for telling you what you wanted to hear in order to get sex, when it seems obvious he’d already worked out that sex was all he wanted, while he knew that you wanted at least the potential for more. He must have had some actual positive qualities that you saw, and you took a risk, and then he showed you his toxic side, and it sounds as though you felt humiliated and used, which if true is totally understandable. I certainly would have felt that way.

But at the end of the day, at least condoms were used for your physical safety, and it also sounds very clear that you are better off without him in your life - especially the choking thing suggests he’s got such a dangerous toxicity to him as to overwhelm anything good about him, and so you are well rid.

Don’t beat yourself up, keep him blocked, and I wish you better luck next time and hope you find your way to someone who is available, truthful, kind, treats you well, and with whom you develop a genuine connection.

guerrillagirl · 23/04/2022 22:02

Blimey OP, that sounds terrifying - but please learn from this horrible experience/awful man and be more guarded with relative strangers in future