To ask how I don’t be bitter this weekend?

[Dancingmoonlight]

I’ve recently become friends with a girl I used to work with, we only worked together for six months and were friendly then, but have been spending some time together recently. Going for the odd cocktail etc. she’s always been nice enough.

She asked if I’d be interested in going to Berlin with her for the weekend, and I said yes. So here we are now and my issue is, my friend turned up with no money hardly. She turned up at the airport with 60 euros and only 7 pound for a four day trip. We have no food included in our room.

I wouldn’t have minded but she’s recently been on a 3 day night out, meals out, cinema and whatever else. Now we are in Berlin and she can’t afford anything and I’m having to subsidise us. Even at the airport with a 4 hour wait, she couldn’t even afford a coffee so I have had to cover it.

Now we are in Berlin, and she’s also so angry. If I go into a shop to look at anything or, if we go to a bar, it’s obvious she’s uncomfortable as she can’t afford anything and then it puts me on the spot. She’s also being very sweary and angry! This trip was her idea and she’s been abroad to European cities before so she knows they’re pricey.

Weve got two more nights and I honestly don’t know how to stop feeling so awkward. I brought enough money (280 euros) but it’s now draining so fast.

Shes trying to chance her arm, by getting you to fund the trip, she's a cf of the highest order. No decent person would take that little away on holiday and conduct themselves the way she has. She was expecting to sponge off you. I'd seperate myself go out on my own and distance yourself from this friendship. She's a first class user.

Not everybody has a CC, I haven't had one for years. I would never turn up anywhere with no money however.

As your op asks how to not feel bitter I think I'd just take the bull by the horns.

"We need to talk. You arriving with no money is really ruining my holiday. How had you planned to fund yourself? Can you borrow money?"

If no then either do things alone or agree a small loan.

Regardless set up splitwise so everything is accounted for.

I think MN posters go with a scorched earth policy because so many women are too wet to stand up for themselves and become total doormats when faced with cheeky fuckers. Women have been socialised to be nice and put up with things that few men would tolerate.
Id separate for the rest of the trip and do my own thing. She isn't your responsibility. At most id give her 30 euros so she can buy a McDonalds but id want to get the most out of this trip so id tell her that I was going to do X activities and would see her later

I don't know.

I might have felt awkward in my 20s and 30s and maybe even 40s saying anything but I don't think I would now in such extreme circumstances. I wasn't brought up to be assertive but my lack of assertiveness was a licence for CFs to behave like this. It didn't get my better friends or allow me to enjoy my life more. In fact, completely the opposite as I'd ruminate about these kind of situations for years after the fact, berating myself for not being firmer and at the same time not quite understanding how it had happened.

When I give advice on here, I don't want people to feel like I used to. Obviously the OP can take whatever advice feels best for her, but I don't think it hurts to have a range of views, and I also think that many people wouldn't put up with this kind of ridiculously selfish behaviour on the part of the friend.

It might be different if they actually still worked together but they don't and if she's not willing to listen to the OP calmly explaining she can't continue to sub her, then she's not much of a loss, is she?

*me not my

I would leave her at the hotel and go on your own. It's not your fault, if you keep paying for everything you'll have no money left for yourself.

Don't book anymore hoildays with her clearly she was expecting you to pay for her.

‘Scorched earth’? Hardly.

I would cut her loose, stop subsidising her and do my own thing. Obviously invite her but if she says she can’t afford it then, l would go anyway. There’s lots of great things to see in Berlin and why should you miss out. Its obvious £12.50 a day won’t go far in Berlin

Also anything you lend her you will never see again so I wouldn't part with £100 as that's just money lost and you'll have done what she wanted, which is financed her trip.

Is she down to €10 by day two?

I think she planned it, sorry.

Is it worth sitting her down and saying you need to hang separately unless she can get someone else to loan her some money?

I would say that it is obvious neither of you are enjoying the trip so that it may be better to spend the rest of the time apart and see her at the airport on the way back.

I don’t think I could survive on £12.50 a day even if I was going to spend a whole day out walking in my own city so I think she was expecting you to pay for her and she is so angry and nasty because you are not behaving as she wants to. Leave her at the hotel but make sure you leave your bag and your return tickets in the hold luggage.

Alternatively, you can find another hotel and stay away from her, it may be cheaper than subsidising her and not as traumatic as having her around.

Oh well, she’ll just have to not eat then. She might lose a few pounds…bonus! (Maybe don’t say that to her 🤣)

OP seeing as you no longer work together (pp take note, it's in the original post), I would just tell her you won't be paying for her and do your own thing for the rest of the trip. I doubt you'll ever see the money you've already given her again, but don't throw more in that particular CF hole.

Berlin is fab, you'll enjoy it much more if you're not dragging some stroppy sponge around with you.

That's crazy!

I think I'd take her for a coffee this morning, and ask her calmly what she is expecting for the next 2 days, bearing in mind she has no money. Explore with her her options, eating [how to fund this], drinks [ditto], has she got anyone that she can get some money from to cover her, there are 4-6 meals between now and going home, so what is she planning? And then there's places to go, is she planning on going to anything at all? Just free places? What are her plans exactly?

I've been skint before but my answer to that was not to go to Berlin and expect someone else to pay for me. So why did she even suggest this if she couldn't afford it?

If there is a genuine reason she's done that (can't think of one) I would try to be kind, she'd be angry because she would know how bad she looked. Otherwise I would be civil, pay for her as far as I could, but only because awful things can happen when you have a bust up abroad. It's not the same as at home. When we got home though friendship definitely done. I wouldn't expect the money back from someone that went on holiday with €60.

It’s not even the money - she could have ££££ with her - but her attitude and anger are unacceptable and unpalatable.

I would separate and do your own - make the most of the trip that you have paid for and earned - don’t let it be polluted by her mood.

The money is a red herring. You could toss her €10 each morning for food and say you are off to do your own thing if you felt guilty - it might be a wise ROI in your own MH and then clear off.

Don’t tolerate this behaviour.

Do you think she might have a drink or drug problem?

Honestly, I’d cut my losses. Is there any way to return home early? I’d just call the airline, change your flight to today and tell her that you’ve had a family emergency and just leave. The cost of changing flights will probably be less than subsidizing her. Because let’s face it, you won’t see a penny of the money you’ve been spending on her again.

Go and do something by yourself for a bit I think. She sounds like a chancer.

I had a friend like this. The thing is I can understand if she somehow ran out of money or misallocated/had an emergency. What she needed to do was tell you BEFORE you were at the airport and say “im
so sorry, I have completely fucked up financially and i need X amount for this to be a reasonable holiday and will pay you back on Y date. If this is a problem I can absolutely understand if you want to go alone” (this is assuming her family or other friends couldn’t have lent it to her).

people sometimes run out of money. But just lumping herself on you like this is fucking bullshit. Definitely draw up a list of every single cost so far

This but without the part where I offer a loan. Just the first part.

I agree with PP I would just say “you’ve come away with no money on a holiday you suggested, you’ve been angry and unpleasant and are taking the piss. Here is 40£. In total that’s now 60£ I’ve given you that I expect back on pay day. I’m going off to enjoy my holiday and I’m sure that’s enough to feed you until the return flight 🤷🏻‍♀️“

Your OP was “How do I not feel bitter about this”

Thats the wrong question - why should you not feel bitter and angry about someone treating so poorly?

Pay attention to that bitterness and anger and do something about it - it’s your gut telling you that this is all shades of wrong and your boundaries are being exploited.

Don’t suck this up. Because the bitterness will build and a row will ensue and you will feel guilty.

Shake her off and resolve to make the most of your time there alone.

I would do one of two things, either leave her to it with no explanation, or ask her to borrow some money from her family to enjoy it.

She is a total CF for coming away with you and expecting you to pay for everything! I would never do it again. Let her eat noodles and sit in the hotel room and reflect on such poor behaviour.