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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A man has been watching my house for months. Awful experience with police who won't do anything.

306 replies

Lightintheroom · 22/04/2022 10:57

Since before Christmas, a man has been watching my house. He stands on the other side of the road and stares right up at the house for up to ten minutes at a time.

It started because DH (politely) asked him to stop parking across our drive every day.

DH works away a lot and I WFH meaning it's usually only me at home when he does it. I've reported this twice to the police online. Neither of us have approached or spoken to the man since DH asked him not to block our drive.

I've now had a call from the police who asked for details, then said there is nothing they can do. He's not breaking the law by watching the house and it's below the level for prosecution.

I've had my car tampered with, I'm often alone at home and I just wanted them to speak to him and tell him to stop. I know roughly where he lives further up the road. They won't do anything.

The police officer made me feel like an idiot. I said I'm worried he'll do something, it's making me feel uncomfortable and scared and I just want him to stop.

As they won't be doing anything, I said the only thing I can think of doing is approaching him (while recording on my phone) and telling him to stop watching my house and to leave me alone.

The officer completely turned on me and said they would be recording what I'd just said in their notes and that if I was really "in fear" that I would not approach him and that I was just "looking for a reaction" from this man.

The officer said that nobody who was genuinely in fear of someone would approach them - as if I was somehow making this up.

I made the point that it was harrassment, stalking even, and that there's currently a BTP campaign on the tube around staring at women.

I cried. Like a fool I cried on the phone to the police because the officer was so unhelpful and essentially told me I wasn't scared of this man at all.

I'm not expecting him to be charged with something, I just want someone to tell him to stop.

OP posts:
UhtredsLatestPaganHussy · 22/04/2022 12:59

That must have been infuriating, @Ifitdoesntmakesense. The world really is geared towards upholding these intimidating men and their tactics. Sickening how many men get off on wielding that power over women, women who have caused them a slight inconvenience or been so bold as to challenge them when bullied.

Hope that guy gets a lifelong bout of the worst kind of cystitis.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 22/04/2022 13:13

What infuriates me more in all of these situations is that the perpetrators know exactly what they’re doing & know they can get away with it. They are doing it enough to cause upset & intimidation but not enough to warrant actual harassment, it’s so calculated. My only advice would be to record everything and do not engage.

Getupoffthesofa · 22/04/2022 13:15

Please complain about the way the police dealt with this. It will help others in your situation too. Sorry for this horrible situation.

Booklover3 · 22/04/2022 13:16

I think it infuriates me even more because it was a female police officer if I’m honest.

BackInBlackAgain · 22/04/2022 13:18

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 22/04/2022 12:54

I don’t usually comment on any posts just read for bit of entertainment but this post reminds me of a similar experience that I had a few years ago.
I mistakenly parked in a bay reserved for another company (effectively in someone else's space) & when I finished work was met by an extremely angry man who just wouldn’t accept my apology & that it was a genuine mistake and was very aggressive so I was rude back which in hindsight was silly but it happened. From that point on maybe once a week he would wait for me in the carpark (we worked on the same industrial unit but not the same company) & follow me to work & then wait by my car at the end of the day. It was really creepy & unsettling but he never said a word to me or made any threats he just did it to make me feel uneasy. I reported it to his company who couldn’t care less & then after about 2/3 months the police who gave me pretty much the same response that you got.
The problem I had was that he never actually made any direct threats, he worked in the same place/shared carpark so he wasn’t going out of his way to specifically bother me & I engaged in a confrontation in the first instance so in fact it was more of a mild nuisance than actual harassment & as there is no way the cps could secure a conviction it wasn’t worth the police resources which I had to accept & I was told that if I continued to contact the police about the same issue repeatedly I could actually be arrested for wasting police time!
I had to accept that.

What happened in the end? Did he give up or did you leave? Did you say anything to him when it was happening as in "Morning"? Did you take anyone with you to your car?

He sounds unhinged, imagine what he would do if someone really crossed him.

balalake · 22/04/2022 13:19

Complain to your Police and Crime Commissioner.

squiller · 22/04/2022 13:21

As others have said, get CCTV installed so it covers across the road. That way you have evidence, I’d be inclined to also get a ring doorbell so you’re aware if he ever approaches your door. The police officer was obviously massively unhelpful but technically correct, they can’t do anything unless he actually approaches you or harasses in you in other ways (I.e posting letters through your door, regularly shouting insults at you etc). It’s incredibly unnerving of course but at present he’s only standing on the street so there’s little the police can do. Don’t approach him on your own but I would be inclined to ask your DH to whenever he’s next home.

Sarkymarky · 22/04/2022 13:23

IOPC is your place to go for a complaint also your local MP. Get a camera, please do not approach him as it could escalate his behaviour
Does it happen at the same time or is it random. Keep a diary but please OP get your complaints emailed today. The Police not taking this seriously is not good enough IT IS STALKING what part of that don't the Police understand. Keep safe OP x

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 22/04/2022 13:24

BackInBlackAgain

I acknowledged him the first time as I naively thought he might be there waiting to apologise but once I realised what he was doing I ignored him completely.
My male colleagues had a word with him but he made some comment that I should stop flattering myself or words to that effect. In the end I car shared with a colleague so I was never alone especially in winter when it was dark earlier & he eventually stopped after about 6 months but I assume that’s because he got a new job/made redundant etc. He absolutely revelled in the fact that he made me feel unsafe, I was just grateful he never followed me home

Cakecakecheese · 22/04/2022 13:25

Get a friend or relative to stand at another spot at some distance but enough to be see by him and stare at him.

I'm so sorry the police haven't been helpful, definitely make a complaint.

BemoreDerek · 22/04/2022 13:27

Felix125 · 22/04/2022 12:39

I agree - but we have that many jobs coming in and being dealt with, that the professional standards can't over see every one of the.

They will however get involved if a complaint is made. And if enough complaints are made, it will effect how a particular force is run.

I didn't mean Professional Standards as an entity, I meant the professional standard amongst police officers! They shouldn't need to be 'overseen', they should be trained in the proper way to deal with complaints like this and capable of following the procedure, especially in light of so many recent cases where it's been shown that women were not listened to, with horrific consequences. I'm honestly not having a go at you personally, it just makes me so angry that women (in particular) are unable to trust the very people who are supposed to help us in these circumstances.

Also apologies to you OP, I will stop derailing your thread now. I really hope some of the suggestions help and you can get some assistance, The Suzy Lamplugh Trust is another source of support if it hasn't already been mentioned.

doublemonkey · 22/04/2022 13:30

What cunts. They'll drive across the country to threathen a women for a tweet or arrest a woman for tying a ribbon on a fence.

Beef up your security and write a letter of complaint. This needs to be taken seriously.

Birdie746 · 22/04/2022 13:36

Get a camera then collect the footage and then post a compilation video onto the gossipy Facebook group for your local area. Ask, does anyone recognise this man who stalks me/my house etc.

BackInBlackAgain · 22/04/2022 13:37

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 22/04/2022 13:24

BackInBlackAgain

I acknowledged him the first time as I naively thought he might be there waiting to apologise but once I realised what he was doing I ignored him completely.
My male colleagues had a word with him but he made some comment that I should stop flattering myself or words to that effect. In the end I car shared with a colleague so I was never alone especially in winter when it was dark earlier & he eventually stopped after about 6 months but I assume that’s because he got a new job/made redundant etc. He absolutely revelled in the fact that he made me feel unsafe, I was just grateful he never followed me home

I am really glad it worked out in the end, it must have been so scary at the time.
He was an absolute bellend and probably still is.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/04/2022 13:41

I still, vividly, remember the time I was being harassed by a neighbour and phoned the police in tears and they told me to wait until I had ‘evidence’; until he took a swipe at me and I had bruises as proof. I am so sorry, OP.

BeerLoas · 22/04/2022 13:45

That’s scary OP.

I second getting a camera and logging days/times. I know you shouldn’t have to but seems the only way. The police handled that insensitively.

I’ve just watched The Responder and I know that’s not how most police do (or should behave), but sometimes I think a good old talking to that includes a stern threat to back the fuck off or else, wouldn’t be a bad thing.

PlainJaneEyre · 22/04/2022 13:50

You can have a Ring doorbell which hopefully will capture him. The case that was in the news about cameras was County Court and the man was excessive in his use of it . It was not a landmark case. It is for your protection to see who comes to your door particularly in this case and yes it also happens to capture the street as they do. Get one asap.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 22/04/2022 13:53

I hope this isn’t the case here & it just stops but something else worth bearing in mind is whether he has MH issues, that could pose more danger (not that I am suggesting everyone with MH issues is dangerous) but if he’s willing to go to the lengths he is then it’s a possibility that the police should also factor in

FabFitFifties · 22/04/2022 13:56

Does he know you are aware OP. I wouldn't look out or show awareness at all. Keep a record if you do see. But I'm no expert - I'd second contacting police again for advice as how to respond, and also any appropriate charity/organisation. I hope he just gets bored and stops. Has he stopped parking across your drive?

Bettygirl · 22/04/2022 14:03

If you can afford to, get decent cctv, I know it probably wouldn't cover where the creep is lurking but it might deter him from coming to close to your house. Keep a diary of all the dates and times he is there. Take a photo of him each time and keep it in a file. This way you can establish a pattern of behaviour and should it escalate you have proof of previous intimidating behaviour.
Have a look at this website and see if they can offer any assistance or guidance.
www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

Lastly I am so sorry that you are going through this and that in this day and age, the police can be so blase about it. There are plenty of stories about them stopping people and asking them why they are in the area or why they are wearing a jacket on a warm day - why can't they ask a foot patrol to walk past and ask him why is he standing outside a house he doesn't live in.

SisterRuth · 22/04/2022 14:04

balalake · 22/04/2022 13:19

Complain to your Police and Crime Commissioner.

Yes, do this! The only time I ever got action from the police over something that did amount to serious anti-social behaviour was when I emailed the Police Commissioner to complain. Before that the police did fuck all. After it, they couldn't do enough. I was actually disgusted what a difference it made but at least it meant action was taken.

Heliotropium · 22/04/2022 14:08

Yanbu but the shitty policeman was

KangarooKenny · 22/04/2022 14:15

Please complain, for all those that come after you. It’s disgusting that you’ve been basically threatened by the police.

KangarooKenny · 22/04/2022 14:16

I agree with CCTV too, there’s cheaper alternatives these days.
And log it whenever you see him.
Don’t approach him.

WeAreTheHeroes · 22/04/2022 14:18

It was a policewoman! Bloody hell, what has to happen for this kind of male intimidation of women to stop?