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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A man has been watching my house for months. Awful experience with police who won't do anything.

306 replies

Lightintheroom · 22/04/2022 10:57

Since before Christmas, a man has been watching my house. He stands on the other side of the road and stares right up at the house for up to ten minutes at a time.

It started because DH (politely) asked him to stop parking across our drive every day.

DH works away a lot and I WFH meaning it's usually only me at home when he does it. I've reported this twice to the police online. Neither of us have approached or spoken to the man since DH asked him not to block our drive.

I've now had a call from the police who asked for details, then said there is nothing they can do. He's not breaking the law by watching the house and it's below the level for prosecution.

I've had my car tampered with, I'm often alone at home and I just wanted them to speak to him and tell him to stop. I know roughly where he lives further up the road. They won't do anything.

The police officer made me feel like an idiot. I said I'm worried he'll do something, it's making me feel uncomfortable and scared and I just want him to stop.

As they won't be doing anything, I said the only thing I can think of doing is approaching him (while recording on my phone) and telling him to stop watching my house and to leave me alone.

The officer completely turned on me and said they would be recording what I'd just said in their notes and that if I was really "in fear" that I would not approach him and that I was just "looking for a reaction" from this man.

The officer said that nobody who was genuinely in fear of someone would approach them - as if I was somehow making this up.

I made the point that it was harrassment, stalking even, and that there's currently a BTP campaign on the tube around staring at women.

I cried. Like a fool I cried on the phone to the police because the officer was so unhelpful and essentially told me I wasn't scared of this man at all.

I'm not expecting him to be charged with something, I just want someone to tell him to stop.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 22/04/2022 12:14

Get obvious security cameras. The police are useless! Ffs!

BemoreDerek · 22/04/2022 12:14

Felix125 · 22/04/2022 12:04

.....we're not all idiots - but i do agree it has been wrongly dealt with.

I'd have dealt with it completely differently - as the officers i know would have done to be honest.

People do need to complain more when incidents like this happen. Its the only way to effect change. Most people who receive a bad service just never seem to complain and a bad police force/police unit just carries on as if they are doing everything right.

Show quote history

I don't disagree with what you've said but jesus, the public shouldn't have to police the police ffs! Where are the professional standards and why are those in charge within the police not ensuring they are met?

SnowingInApril · 22/04/2022 12:16

Find out what their complaints process is and follow it OP, don’t let them fob you off.

skybluee · 22/04/2022 12:17

How horrible. And all because your husband spoke to him politely. It sounds like he's looking for a reaction, so hopefully he'll get bored and stop. It annoys me so much that you reported it to a a policeperson, especially a woman, and they essentially insinuated that you're over-reacting. I think something like a Ring doorbell would be enough to deter him as he will know that each time he's being recorded, consistently, and it looks bad. It sounds like putting up a notice is important like UrslaB said. What a horrible man.

I hope this simply just stops for you, as I suspect it will.

I hate stuff like this, because it makes you feel worried about speaking out again, when all it was was a polite request.

SScoobiedoo · 22/04/2022 12:18

Very methodically write down what has happened with time and dates.
Write down interactions with police.
Write down that you are disappointed and feel frightened as your DH is away a lot. Write down that you felt diminished and ignored by the police man.

Go to your MPs office/ next surgery and take paperwork, explain that you feel unsafe etc

I honestly think that the policeman will get a boot up the arse and that they will be round at the mans housein days.

Do this don't back down.

NamelessGhoul · 22/04/2022 12:21

Just to point out those advocating Ring Doorbells. To be any use requires a subscription. A basic bell will let you observe a live view but to actively record anything, save it and review it will need to be paid for. It's not a huge amount, about £25 a year for a single bell, but worth factoring in.

SScoobiedoo · 22/04/2022 12:21

You just need to say 'police officer' - no need to mention their sex.

TurquoiseSwirl · 22/04/2022 12:24

Go and speak to the business and explain you are being stalked and ask for them to review their footage.
put your camera up today.
get a notebook and note the time he starts and stops every day and film with your phone or camera. It will heighten the experience and you fear but do it for a week and take the Evidence to the police that you are being stalked.

Herejustforthisone · 22/04/2022 12:28

What a fucking useless and frankly unsettling response from the police. Jesus Christ.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 22/04/2022 12:29

That is scary.

I'd have cameras installed.

oakleaffy · 22/04/2022 12:30

Felix125 · 22/04/2022 12:07

Thank you, thank you so much. That's all I want - for him to be spoken to and told to just stop. I know roughly where he lives to within 2-3 houses all they needed to do was identify which house he lives in, knock the door and say there's been a complaint, stop standing outside this house. I really didn't think this was too much to ask.

Exactly - A quick 5 minute job which would hopefully stop it and give you your life back.

It also tells him that the police are 'on to him' and we are taking it seriously.

Do take it further - another officer will deal with it differently

I saw a very loud “Road rage” incident- Both men were out of their cars-
Just so happens a very slight WPC lives nearby.

I on her, and showed the vid I’d taken

She came out and diffused the situation amazingly well.
There ARE good police about.
But we tend to only hear of the rogues.

OP, I hope you resolve this issue.
I’d not even look in that creep’s direction, maybe get some form of screening up in your windows?
blinds?
Static Adhesive film?

WhereWasThatFrom · 22/04/2022 12:31

I don't understand why you've let this drag on for 4 months but not bothered putting up a camera? You can buy really cheap ones.

Felix125 · 22/04/2022 12:34

Goldfishjones · 22/04/2022 11:55

Ring the Police Every. Single. Time.

If you're a nuisance to them, they may have a word with him just to shut you up.
And get a camera installed. Better than filming him on your phone as Police would then need to take your phone to download the evidence if they ever decided to take action.

We don't need to take your phone now to download it - we can email you a link and you can simply 'drop' the footage/file onto it - drops straight onto the case file too.

lightand · 22/04/2022 12:39

I get very annoyed about this type of thing.
I dont complain about much, but would sign a government petition about this type of thing.
I dont say much about feminist issues either, but I think this is indeed a feminine issue on the whole. [and that is presisely why it is not taken as seriously by people in high positions as it should be].

I know someone who went through something similar to yourself op. The man ended up getting a criminal record as he was [and i cant remember the exact word so will look it up].

All of this though, is sadly of no use to you at this present moment.

Felix125 · 22/04/2022 12:39

BemoreDerek · 22/04/2022 12:14

I don't disagree with what you've said but jesus, the public shouldn't have to police the police ffs! Where are the professional standards and why are those in charge within the police not ensuring they are met?

Show quote history

I agree - but we have that many jobs coming in and being dealt with, that the professional standards can't over see every one of the.

They will however get involved if a complaint is made. And if enough complaints are made, it will effect how a particular force is run.

Badger1970 · 22/04/2022 12:40

Was it an actual Police officer that came out? Or a PCSO?

I've found that there is an ocean between the helpfulness of the two...........

EnoBaby · 22/04/2022 12:41

I really feel for you, @Lightintheroom .
I had a similar issue with a neighbour last year reported to the police after me and DH tried to speak to him. The police had took no interest at first and said, if I genuinely felt threatened by him, I wouldn’t have spoken to him directly. The implication being I was simply complaining about a man that I had decided wasn’t ‘good enough’ to look at me. I did explain to them that, when I feel unnerved, my instinct is to speak up because I cannot bear the build-up of anxiety that staying quiet causes. One the officers did appear to consider and understand my point but the other one simply said they couldn’t act on my complaint and wouldn’t be taking it further.
The neighbour was sitting on his extension roof (just a roof, not a terrace) and staring down into our garden when I was out there. I found it sinister.

Pinkbonbon · 22/04/2022 12:44

Go into the station and ask to speak to his superior. Or a woman police officer. The guy you spoke to just sounds like he himself hates women. Unfortunately those asshes are everywhere, even in the police.

I'd also publicise what he said on twitter. And ask the station why they think its acceptable to say a woman trying to defend herself by keeping evidence of harassment that that would mean she would no longer be classed as a victim?

UhtredsLatestPaganHussy · 22/04/2022 12:45

Pinkbonbon · 22/04/2022 12:44

Go into the station and ask to speak to his superior. Or a woman police officer. The guy you spoke to just sounds like he himself hates women. Unfortunately those asshes are everywhere, even in the police.

I'd also publicise what he said on twitter. And ask the station why they think its acceptable to say a woman trying to defend herself by keeping evidence of harassment that that would mean she would no longer be classed as a victim?

The original police officer she spoke to was a woman. Depressingly enough.

lightand · 22/04/2022 12:47

lightand · 22/04/2022 12:39

I get very annoyed about this type of thing.
I dont complain about much, but would sign a government petition about this type of thing.
I dont say much about feminist issues either, but I think this is indeed a feminine issue on the whole. [and that is presisely why it is not taken as seriously by people in high positions as it should be].

I know someone who went through something similar to yourself op. The man ended up getting a criminal record as he was [and i cant remember the exact word so will look it up].

All of this though, is sadly of no use to you at this present moment.

I think it was a criminal record for stalking, as cant see, without looking too deeply, what else it could have been.

Was useful actually, as it then meant he was not eligible to do some other things he wanted to do, because of the criminal record. Which may last for 5 years?

HermioneKipper · 22/04/2022 12:47

This is just awful. The police seem to be a joke right now - what is the point of them.

like others have said, I’d suggest getting a security camera and a big sign saying you have one.

Alternatively do you have any big burly mates or know someone with a scary dog?

Definitely go back to the police too - ask to speak to someone else and if not, escalate.

lightand · 22/04/2022 12:48

Dont expecy UK police to know all about all laws. As they do not.

HotSauceCommittee · 22/04/2022 12:50

101 or go online and complain.
Police need to approach the man and tell him that he must not loiter outside or watch you. After he knows that to continue is to knowingly cause you harassment, alarm and distress, he would be committing a recordable criminal offence.

HotSauceCommittee · 22/04/2022 12:51

If you go online, it will save you from having another potentially distressing phone call and they can get someone to ring you. Flowers

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 22/04/2022 12:54

I don’t usually comment on any posts just read for bit of entertainment but this post reminds me of a similar experience that I had a few years ago.
I mistakenly parked in a bay reserved for another company (effectively in someone else's space) & when I finished work was met by an extremely angry man who just wouldn’t accept my apology & that it was a genuine mistake and was very aggressive so I was rude back which in hindsight was silly but it happened. From that point on maybe once a week he would wait for me in the carpark (we worked on the same industrial unit but not the same company) & follow me to work & then wait by my car at the end of the day. It was really creepy & unsettling but he never said a word to me or made any threats he just did it to make me feel uneasy. I reported it to his company who couldn’t care less & then after about 2/3 months the police who gave me pretty much the same response that you got.
The problem I had was that he never actually made any direct threats, he worked in the same place/shared carpark so he wasn’t going out of his way to specifically bother me & I engaged in a confrontation in the first instance so in fact it was more of a mild nuisance than actual harassment & as there is no way the cps could secure a conviction it wasn’t worth the police resources which I had to accept & I was told that if I continued to contact the police about the same issue repeatedly I could actually be arrested for wasting police time!
I had to accept that.