A man has been watching my house for months. Awful experience with police who won't do anything.

[Lightintheroom]

Since before Christmas, a man has been watching my house. He stands on the other side of the road and stares right up at the house for up to ten minutes at a time.

It started because DH (politely) asked him to stop parking across our drive every day.

DH works away a lot and I WFH meaning it's usually only me at home when he does it. I've reported this twice to the police online. Neither of us have approached or spoken to the man since DH asked him not to block our drive.

I've now had a call from the police who asked for details, then said there is nothing they can do. He's not breaking the law by watching the house and it's below the level for prosecution.

I've had my car tampered with, I'm often alone at home and I just wanted them to speak to him and tell him to stop. I know roughly where he lives further up the road. They won't do anything.

The police officer made me feel like an idiot. I said I'm worried he'll do something, it's making me feel uncomfortable and scared and I just want him to stop.

As they won't be doing anything, I said the only thing I can think of doing is approaching him (while recording on my phone) and telling him to stop watching my house and to leave me alone.

The officer completely turned on me and said they would be recording what I'd just said in their notes and that if I was really "in fear" that I would not approach him and that I was just "looking for a reaction" from this man.

The officer said that nobody who was genuinely in fear of someone would approach them - as if I was somehow making this up.

I made the point that it was harrassment, stalking even, and that there's currently a BTP campaign on the tube around staring at women.

I cried. Like a fool I cried on the phone to the police because the officer was so unhelpful and essentially told me I wasn't scared of this man at all.

I'm not expecting him to be charged with something, I just want someone to tell him to stop.

@NoCleverNickname yeah but it’s all your own fault because you didn’t dial up the compassion . You should have invited him in for tea and let him play with your toddlers. And tried to soften him by acknowledging his feelings, maybe his hamster died when he was a child

Thank you for your kind message.

As you can imagine, time and distance have done something to dampen my fears but I still worry, still do the whole 3 right turns followed by 2 lefts if I think someone is following me. Which happens at least once a week. I take anti-anxiety meds and see a psychologist every week. It was hard to leave the UK and my family there. But he had started stalking them on social media. So we left. My older children didn't want to leave their jobs etc., so they all moved and stayed behind. That was hard. Really difficult. I've got grandchildren that I've only ever seen on whatsapp. But if I had stayed, I would have ended up, well, he wouldn't have stalked me because I wouldn't have been around anymore. So that's that💛

This message was for both @GutHealthRecovery and @LoisLane66

I realised that I didn't tag them!

This message was for @KettrickenSmiled

@SoonToBeQueenCamilla

I know. I should have insisted he come in for coffee and cake!

"He might have been rejected all his life or abandoned. His mind experience takes something like this as a rejection and the only way he can deal
with it is getting angry"

@GutHealthRecovery

That might be the case or he might be the type of nut bag who would see any level of understanding as a red-light for his behaviour. If he has mental health issues, unless you are a trained medical professional, you could end up making the situation 10 times worse. I would agree with others who have said to not engage with him one way or the other. Just continue to log his appearances and build up a case against him.

What @NoCleverNickname cites he/she/ they went through, is a world away from a man standing on a pavement for UP TO 10 minutes on random days, watched and timed by the OP.
He hasn't done anything else. There's a huge difference between what you describe and what the OP describes.
Still, we all have our opinions as to what we'd do in the same situation and you'll always get opposition from those who don't share your particular view, which is as it should be.
You are not necessary right just as I am not necessarily wrong. Of course, if the PCC, MP and local police empathise but say there is nothing they can do, I suppose they too will come under fire.
I look forward to reading how this is resolved by the authorities and the OP can then rest assured that the guy, having been warned, won't continue his 'stalking/harassment'.

That's all I have to say on this subject

@LoisLane66 oh, no, make no mistake, you're completely wrong.

What @NoCleverNickname cites he/she/ they went through, is a world away from a man standing on a pavement for UP TO 10 minutes on random days, watched and timed by the OP.

Nice bit of victim blaming there, OP 'watching and timing' him is not the problem here

He hasn't done anything else.

Yet. It needs to be dealt with now before he escalates.

That's all I have to say on this subject

You've said far too much already.

I am guessing from your comment about the Tube that you are dealing with the Met? If so...they are utterly useless when it comes to helping in these situations. We experienced similar from a neighbour during lockdown. It went on for months. My young daughter and I couldn't walk out of our house - front or back - without being shouted at, sworn at, having racial or misogynistic abuse hurled at us. It escalated to having stones thrown at us, being spat at, etc, and, eventually, a physical assault. Police held me equally responsible, even though I didn't even defend myself from the assault, & arrested myself & my dad and threatened to arrest my 12yo!! Honestly, if I were in the same situation again, I would simply take up offers from friends to deal with it and skip the police.
You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, but the police definitely are. Unfortunately, unless someone is killed, they're not interested in anything other than defending themselves from criticism.

You can't legislate for that.

The UK has legislated for that.
Link to legal definition is in one of my posts not far upthread.

& as stated previously, given OP's logging & reporting, she will have the evidence showing that the qualifying parameters of that definition exist.

@loislane66

So, apologies if you think my view flippant. I just don't give people like that the time of day as I don't allow anyone's stupid behaviour to affect my life.

You’re lucky if you’ve never been the victim of ‘stupid behaviour’ that you simply cannot help but ‘allow’ to ‘affect your life’ then. What a privilege. Many of us have been and even people who haven’t been can surely empathise with women feeling uncomfortable with a man on the street outside watching their home regularly. It’s scary if you have daughters / nieces etc that your advice to them if they were feeling harassed by this happening would be don’t be silly dear, you’re letting it affect you when you need to just not give them the time of day.

Yes, it's a very uncomfortable scenario but not harassment. Standing on a pavement looking at a property opposite, isn't harassment and that isn't me being dismissive, it's a fact.

You just don’t even even bother to look into anything before telling women on endless threads they should just put up with being uncomfortable, do you? Here you go…

Section 2A (3) of the PHA 1997 lists a number of examples of behaviours associated with stalking. The list is not an exhaustive one but gives an indication of the types of behaviour that may be displayed in a stalking offence. The listed behaviours are:
(a) following a person,
(b) contacting, or attempting to contact, a person by any means,
(c) publishing any statement or other material relating or purporting to relate to a person, or purporting to originate from a person,
(d) monitoring the use by a person of the internet, email or any other form of electronic communication,
(e) loitering in any place (whether public or private),
(f) interfering with any property in the possession of a person,
(g) watching or spying on a person."

It’s harassment and stalking. Police officer was unprofessional to tell you you weren’t scared of him but was right to say don’t approach him. Keep a record of every time you see him and the length of time he is standing there for. If possible record him. I don’t think letting him see you doing it will deter him he has already proved himself to be unreasonable in his reaction to you requesting he does not block your drive, it will spur him on and he may find other ways to annoy and frighten you. Sorry you have found yourself in such an unpleasant position.

@NoCleverNickname FFS. Your strength is phenomenal.

I know - we'd rather have been safe & happy than building these huge reserves of resilience & coping mechanisms ... but alongside the commiseration, huge admiration to you for your survival.

I'm happy that most of us haven't had to endure the psych torture of being stalked. At one point an exhausted, insane daydream of 'taking out a contract' crossed my mind - & I only had to keep safe for months, not years.

If only I'd just stopped being silly, & "letting it affect" me, huh?
(& thanks for your comments on that@youvegottenminuteslynn)
If PP cannot imagine how debilitating the effects of constant fear & hypervigilance are ... I am pleased for you. Genuinely. But don't go around glibly assuring people who do know that they are in effect being a bit weak, & simply need a more robust attitude. Because that is how the nay-saying posts are coming across.

@Lightintheroom I hope you are doing OK, & that your thread has been more help than hindrance to you.
Of course it's entirely possible that your horrible harrasser might simply give up if you don't react to him. However, you can do that while you chase up the slightly more difficult tasks of escalating your previous reports, & then there is a good chance that a "firm but friendly" chat from the constabulary will put him straight.

Please keep posting if that's helpful to you, & I hope a few tales of woe from me & PP have helped you feel validated. The help & advice you need is available out there, you absolutlely deserve to access it, & your WPC was just plain wrong-headed in her approach & in need of some re-training.

Perhaps this charity can help. www.suzylamplugh.org/

www.suzylamplugh.org/stalking-help-and-advice

@Lightintheroom

I really hope that you've had a chance to read the responses, well, the sensible ones anyway, and can see that there is a way forward for you.

What happened to me was awful and horrific and I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I would hope that this man won't escalate to that extent. Having said that, the fact that he stands and stares at your house is slightly alarming and isn't the response of someone who is somewhat reasonable and can understand why a home owner may find having their driveway blocked annoying.

Compile your evidence, keep your logs, then call up your local police station and ask for someone to come out. You will be able to say that since April, this man had stood and watched my house for XX minutes, XX number of times. Let them know that when you called up previously, the officer told you to basically grow a pair.

Please do keep updating the thread if you're comfortable with doing that. We are all rooting for you.

Haven’t read all the replies so if this helps…police can give words of advice to the person, however in order to get any properly “official” action it has to go through various community protection warning notices that inform the person of the legal action that can be taken against them if they continue the harassment or anti social behaviour. The police will insist on you collecting CCTV footage, which can be costly, however the camera also protects you from any allegations he might make up about you or your family. Unless you live in social housing you will be told that unfortunately because he lives in the same street injunctions are difficult to enforce because he has to have access to his property. If he is a social housing tenant then contractually he will be expected to adhere to certain standards of behaviour and can face eviction. Keep logging the behaviour, save and back up the footage and let both the police and relevant local council department know.

That's not strictly true. Whilst it might be good practice to warn someone that there actions are causing harassment - it's not necessary to prove an offence. It merely adds to the evidence - "....subject has been warned on a specific day but continues with their behaviour..."

All you need to show is that they know or ought to know that their behaviour is harassing.

Sorry - 'their' instead of 'there'

You say your NDN and the buisness opposite are aware maybe ask if they could ring the police with their concerns because the more logs the more record. They could say they are.concerned for your safety or maybe worried he is scoping out the property to rob somewhere etc. Either way if 3 different properties ring they will have no.choice but to do something

This is why police officer is a profession that is only barely liked above a prison guard.

Get online and buy a EUFY camera set up. About £200 quid. It’s easy to install.

Make sure you record him and just bombard the police with calls about him. Eventually the donut eating idiots will do something.

OP said; ''Re my car being tampered with - someone tried to steal the catalytic converter. I know it's likely not this man who is responsible but I explained to the police that I'm understandably paranoid because he's always watching the house.''
''She just shut me down and said cat thefts are on the increase in the area and there's no way this man would have been responsible for that.''

That's an interesting comment. I wonder if he's known to them, married to a police officer or something like that.

Zombie thread.

OP, do you work from home all the time?

Would getting a nice big dog be an option? Personally I have a fondness for Rottweilers. I took care of them at a shelter once. They are not friendly towards stangers, but properly trained they are loyal and affectionate dogs. They can also be a bit goofy, but again never with strangers.

Ha, I just noticed that>

OP, are you still watching this thread? How are things going?