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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A man has been watching my house for months. Awful experience with police who won't do anything.

306 replies

Lightintheroom · 22/04/2022 10:57

Since before Christmas, a man has been watching my house. He stands on the other side of the road and stares right up at the house for up to ten minutes at a time.

It started because DH (politely) asked him to stop parking across our drive every day.

DH works away a lot and I WFH meaning it's usually only me at home when he does it. I've reported this twice to the police online. Neither of us have approached or spoken to the man since DH asked him not to block our drive.

I've now had a call from the police who asked for details, then said there is nothing they can do. He's not breaking the law by watching the house and it's below the level for prosecution.

I've had my car tampered with, I'm often alone at home and I just wanted them to speak to him and tell him to stop. I know roughly where he lives further up the road. They won't do anything.

The police officer made me feel like an idiot. I said I'm worried he'll do something, it's making me feel uncomfortable and scared and I just want him to stop.

As they won't be doing anything, I said the only thing I can think of doing is approaching him (while recording on my phone) and telling him to stop watching my house and to leave me alone.

The officer completely turned on me and said they would be recording what I'd just said in their notes and that if I was really "in fear" that I would not approach him and that I was just "looking for a reaction" from this man.

The officer said that nobody who was genuinely in fear of someone would approach them - as if I was somehow making this up.

I made the point that it was harrassment, stalking even, and that there's currently a BTP campaign on the tube around staring at women.

I cried. Like a fool I cried on the phone to the police because the officer was so unhelpful and essentially told me I wasn't scared of this man at all.

I'm not expecting him to be charged with something, I just want someone to tell him to stop.

OP posts:
Lightintheroom · 22/04/2022 17:05

I’ve told DH not to engage and let the police deal with it. TBH at first we just dismissed him as a sad weirdo, it’s just that as it’s continued I’ve felt more intimidated.

OP posts:
NightLightComfort · 22/04/2022 17:13

Report online every single time he does it.

tulippa · 22/04/2022 17:15

From seeing a friend going through a horrendous stalking experience, I would say the police are useless with cases like these - they haven't got a clue. Sorry this is happening to you OP.

lightand · 22/04/2022 19:19

I am a little concerned, that even posters who sound like they know what they are talking about, are disagreeing with each other.

DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 22/04/2022 19:31

Contact suzie Lamplugh Trust for advice or look for them online.

Lightintheroom · 22/04/2022 20:54

lightand · 22/04/2022 19:19

I am a little concerned, that even posters who sound like they know what they are talking about, are disagreeing with each other.

Can I ask what you mean @lightand ?

OP posts:
lightand · 22/04/2022 21:29

A number of posts and posters, on page 5, disagree with each other.

helloitsnotmeanymore · 22/04/2022 21:57

Do you have a neighbourhood police team? You can usually find them via Facebook, they might be better to speak to.

Lightintheroom · 22/04/2022 22:07

helloitsnotmeanymore · 22/04/2022 21:57

Do you have a neighbourhood police team? You can usually find them via Facebook, they might be better to speak to.

That's who I spoke to this morning.

OP posts:
Chugalug21 · 22/04/2022 22:09

www.suzylamplugh.org/

Try here for some advice maybe?

Notmoresugar · 22/04/2022 22:12

Security cameras. Ring do an excellent one that can be wall mounted high-up. (camera with two lights).
Call 101 and speak to someone who should be able to assist you.
If he ramps it up call 999 straight away.
This is a safety issue so don't give up calling.
The police officer you spoke to was an ignorant twat.

PieonaBarm · 22/04/2022 22:23

There will be a complaints procedure where your report is reviewed by a senior officer. How to complain will be on the force website, or ring 101 and tell them you wish to complain about how you've been dealt with.

Tell them you felt gaslit by the officer and this man is making you scared in your home and is affecting how you live your daily life (look up the definition of stalking, use of words "harassed" "alarmed" "distressed" and "course of conduct" may help). Also make a list of what you want to include eg cctv at xyz, neighbour sees him, and make sure you have it with you when you call.

Also, log each and every time you see him, yes it's a pain, but the officers will see your calls and the frequency of them, and are then more likely to do something than just one call reporting.

ItsDisneyBitch · 22/04/2022 22:28

OP feel free to message me privately with your location, if you buy a couple of cameras or a RING and you are nearby or in a reasonable distance I will get my husband to install the cameras for free, if you or your DH is no good with electrics.

personally we have the ring cctv and a ring doorbell. The sensors makes a light go on whenever there is movement and I get notifications on my phone so I can watch. Which isn’t ideal if you have a bloody cat.

Lightintheroom · 22/04/2022 22:45

ItsDisneyBitch · 22/04/2022 22:28

OP feel free to message me privately with your location, if you buy a couple of cameras or a RING and you are nearby or in a reasonable distance I will get my husband to install the cameras for free, if you or your DH is no good with electrics.

personally we have the ring cctv and a ring doorbell. The sensors makes a light go on whenever there is movement and I get notifications on my phone so I can watch. Which isn’t ideal if you have a bloody cat.

That's incredibly kind of you, thank you, but I think I'm sorted now - but thank you so very much.

I've set up a camera in one of the front bedrooms this afternoon that will (rightly or wrongly) pick up when he's standing outside. NDNs also have a camera at the front as does the business opposite who know what he's doing and have checked their CCTV and he is in shot where he stands.

I don't think a Ring doorbell will view across the road? I may be wrong, I'll look into it though.

I've also ordered some signs that say the property is covered by CCTV in the hope he makes him think twice.

Reflecting on the conversation with the police officer earlier, I'm just getting more angry. I'm considering an official complaint and/or contacting the police and crime commissioner. Alternative being DH has a word once he's back which I don't really want, but I see no other option really.

OP posts:
Katya213 · 22/04/2022 22:49

How often does he do this?

Lightintheroom · 22/04/2022 23:10

Katya213 · 22/04/2022 22:49

How often does he do this?

Several times a week at least, potentially daily but I can't say I'm always looking out for him doing it. It's always at a certain time in the morning. A few times I've been out on the drive when I've spotted him standing there staring and that doesn't deter him.

OP posts:
Changeee1546789 · 22/04/2022 23:22

OP this is awful. As PP this is most definitely stalking/harassment. The reaction of the police is how people end up being killed.

Firstly take this all the way within the police - complaint about the person you spoke to, take it as high as you can. However in addition I would contact a solicitor who can advise you any civil rights you have and also write to the police on your behalf. It’ll cost you a bit but that is a drop in the ocean to protect yourself. This man sounds unhinged. Do not let the idiot police minimise this. Second as PP have said get cameras etc. RING doorbell.

good luck OP xx

veronicagoldberg · 22/04/2022 23:24

If it were me, I would ask someone big and threatening to go and "have a word" with him.

Lightintheroom · 22/04/2022 23:38

veronicagoldberg · 22/04/2022 23:24

If it were me, I would ask someone big and threatening to go and "have a word" with him.

I know. I've told DH he shouldn't approach him and was hoping the police would have a word and just make him stop.

According to the police officer I spoke to today, even if I (not big or threatening) approach him, it seems they will quite happily punish me and not the man harrassing me.

OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 22/04/2022 23:53

Contact the police again and ask to speak to the Duty Inspector.

ashitghost · 23/04/2022 00:16

Contact your MP, local councillors, mayor or police and crime commissioner. I’m furious on your behalf, the useless bunch of fucking bastards police.

Flickflak · 23/04/2022 00:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Lightintheroom · 23/04/2022 00:49

This reply has been deleted

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

The business opposite has footage of him yes. I put this in my online complaint (twice) to the police and the business said they would make it available to the police. They know this. My NDN has footage as well. The police are not interested.

OP posts:
BlueFkingTicks · 23/04/2022 00:49

Don't rely on your neighbour's or the premises opposite CCTV. You don't know what it can see, and it may wipe itself regularly so you can't rely on it to gather the evidence you need. You need to gather your own.

The CCTV serves two purposes - it gathers evidence, but also acts as a deterrent. I second the advice to get signs - you need to cover yourself if you do intend to use it as evidence, but again it's a deterrent.

Then call police again, make a complaint about how you were dealt with previously, and report him again. Tell them what you've done re CCTV, and that you will be making a log of all of the times he does this. Ask that they please go and have a word with him. Personally I doubt it will stop him - but it will put a marker on his behaviour such that if he chooses to continue it can be deemed harassment.

Do not approach him under any circumstances.

Good luck

SmellyNelliey · 23/04/2022 01:09

I feel your pain OP the police are useless in these situations,I've a whole family that constantly try to intimate me! Every time there daughter who's (10) my I add see me get out the car she videos me! They follow me around our local walking area to the point I've stopped walking! I've changed my children school ect and when I told the police I would be recording them constantly walking and looking in my house and scratching my car! The police said I was looking for trouble!