A man has been watching my house for months. Awful experience with police who won't do anything.

[Lightintheroom]

Since before Christmas, a man has been watching my house. He stands on the other side of the road and stares right up at the house for up to ten minutes at a time.

It started because DH (politely) asked him to stop parking across our drive every day.

DH works away a lot and I WFH meaning it's usually only me at home when he does it. I've reported this twice to the police online. Neither of us have approached or spoken to the man since DH asked him not to block our drive.

I've now had a call from the police who asked for details, then said there is nothing they can do. He's not breaking the law by watching the house and it's below the level for prosecution.

I've had my car tampered with, I'm often alone at home and I just wanted them to speak to him and tell him to stop. I know roughly where he lives further up the road. They won't do anything.

The police officer made me feel like an idiot. I said I'm worried he'll do something, it's making me feel uncomfortable and scared and I just want him to stop.

As they won't be doing anything, I said the only thing I can think of doing is approaching him (while recording on my phone) and telling him to stop watching my house and to leave me alone.

The officer completely turned on me and said they would be recording what I'd just said in their notes and that if I was really "in fear" that I would not approach him and that I was just "looking for a reaction" from this man.

The officer said that nobody who was genuinely in fear of someone would approach them - as if I was somehow making this up.

I made the point that it was harrassment, stalking even, and that there's currently a BTP campaign on the tube around staring at women.

I cried. Like a fool I cried on the phone to the police because the officer was so unhelpful and essentially told me I wasn't scared of this man at all.

I'm not expecting him to be charged with something, I just want someone to tell him to stop.

From experience - get in touch with www.suzylamplugh.org who run the NATIONAL STALKING HOTLINE - they are very supportive and have legal backing and will be able to explain to you exactly what your rights are, and how to report to the police in a way that the police cannot ignore. No matter how small you think the issue may be perceived, they are extremely supportive and helpful with relevant up to date legal advice. Their contact number is 0808 802 0300.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this, both from the stalker and the police.

OP please make sure your NDN and the business across the road saves or downloads the footage of him so you can prove hiw long it's been going on.
Some systems record over themselves after a certain length of time.

Agree with all the posters who said that you should NOT approach this man.
I am speaking from personal experience.
Many years ago( I was seventeen) I was stalked by a stranger for over six months.It was absolutely terrifying. Police were really unhelpful. It was only when he threatened to kill me with a knife that he had in his possession that the police took any steps. He was sent to prison for a short period and I never saw him again.
You have been given some great advice re logging / phoning the police.
Stay safe Op, I know how you feel

I'm completely disgusted that you got such a poor response from a female police officer. Not that sex should matter, but it does unfortunately in this case. I would hazard a guess that there's barely a female alive who hasn't had something similar happen to them in terms of unwanted attention from a male and to think that a woman would be both completely unsympathetic AND to turn this back around on you is appalling. I have had a couple of similar things happen to me in terms of stalking behaviour and I'm pleased to say that the one time I went to the police about it, they were brilliant. I gave them what little evidence I had and they followed up immediately by ringing the stalker and warning him off. When that didn't work, they paid him a visit at home and gave him a talking to in front of his wife! That worked. (I should also say that this was in Australia, so different police force.)
Good luck to you, OP. Stay brave and strong and do everything you must do to keep safe - including ringing the cops a million times a day, if that's what you have to do!

You’re not unreasonable. It’s really scary if someone is watching you and your house for that long. Asking someone to not block your driveway is also very reasonable.

What I suggest is to turn up the compassion. I know that sounds weird and contradictory. But you don’t know anything about this man. He might have been rejected all his life or abandoned. His mind experience takes something like this as a rejection and the only way he can deal
with it is getting angry and acting out. He might have not had empathetic parents that showed him how to deal with his emotions. What you can do is either leave a note for him, get a mediator to approach him or do it yourself but the last one I would not recommend because your own emotions will be at play. And kindly say something like: clearly it has upset you that we asked you to not block our driveway. And we are sorry for that, it was not our intention. What can we do to set this right? We’d love to sit around a table with you and talk it through, make sure we understand each other. And simply get to know each other. We are neighbours after all.

With luck, he will respond favourably, because his feelings have been acknowledged. It might soften him. Approaching him with anger, more rejection, force etc. Is only going to make him feel more angry I imagine. Someone that does something like this, is usually not thinking straight. It’s not normal (whatever normal is).

And if he does agree to meet with you, make sure you do it with a mediator. You can find these people online. Make sure to do enough research on finding the right person. I’ve done this myself and it really worked. This person will be working to validate everyone and finding a solution that works for all.

Remember, anger, which it sounds like he has, usually comes from being in pain but not knowing how to express it.

I have to say there is a bit more to this. This is your first attempt. Of course this might not work.

At this point you don’t know what kind of irrational thought processes this man has. It could be really severe and sinister, like some of the other posters have suggested. Or it could simply be a man that doesn’t feel heard.

That’s why I am suggesting this first attempt to make him feel heard. Give him the chance to respond and alter his reasoning. There might be mediators out there that specialise in this and can give you some more advice. Think about it, someone that does something nutty like this has almost certainly experienced some abuse, neglect, smothering etc. But it doesn’t always mean they are a crazy psychopaths ready to kill you.

However, it is possible that this man is not susceptible to reasoning at all and is severely deranged or disturbed. But I don’t think this person will respond well to threats either. I think this aggressive approach will almost always exasperate the situation.

That is why my advice is tread with caution, never do anything on your own or without any kind of proof of what you are doing. Document everything. But approach with compassion. And failing that, you will have to take stronger actions. If the police is not doing anything, and I agree with others, keep on their case, regardless of their rejection of you, there ar things you can do yourself. Like installing video cameras. But I’m also thinking of getting a load of people to come in and out of your house when he is there. Have people stand by when he shows up again and just casually have loads of people drop in. Very visible, so it gives you some protection and sends a message to him you are never alone.

im sure there are lots more things you can do but I’m not an expert. Like I said before, get advice from the experts.

Yes just do this, under no circumstances interact with him

I would get extra security on the house and I would also make a complaint to the police regarding the officer you dealt with. The response you received is not acceptable.

Historically, forget it. Unless you have witnesses or CCTV; a diary of events is something, but it’s weak unless it can be corroborated. Police: waste of time but keep ringing up every single time for a crime reference number which is then “documented”. Record absolutely everything. If you have to ring the police daily, keep logging crime reference numbers. Best advice would be to get some COVERT cctv put up. Be mindful he may watch the property, so put up a bird box with a camera in. Get all views. Make sure it works at night. 95% of all police reports result in no further action. When they resort to cardboard cut outs at supermarkets and can’t be arsed to attend a burglary, unfortunately they like you to do the police work for them. Get some CCTV installed that isn’t noticeable. Then when you have enough evidence (12 violations), the police will get involved. Get a non-molestation order/restraining order with the power of arrest attached.

The coppers in the UK are pussys. That is straight up stalking with fear and intimidation. Like most ppl said on here set up cameras so everything is caught on film. You can even set your dashcam on to record.

I was scrolling to check if someone had recommended Paladin services

You've had lots of good advise but I'd 2nd the above service.

This is a serious matter and the police officer you spoke to needs some training!!

@LoisLane66 agree with you 100% about the car issue, but -

If he lives down the road he's unlikely to do anything but she's allowing him to unsettle her.
This confuses me - how does the fact of him living locally diminish any risk or OP's fear?
By allowing her to unsettle him - are you implying that it's all in her silly little head & she ought to tuck her feelings away because you ... what, exactly? Don't feel the same? Think she's making a fuss about nothing? Reckon you'd be braver?
Stonking bit of passive victim blaming there. Horrid to see.

Frankly, I wouldn't go near the windows unless in passing and I'd ignore him.
Neither would I, & I'm gobsmacked by the PP who reckon they'd flick V's, pull faces at him, or in any way engage further.

He'll get tired in the end
Is that a fact?
"Mummy - Johnny keeps pulling my pigtails!"
"Just ignore him Jane, he'll stop when he gets bored of it"
FFS.
All this does is teach Johnny that he can torment Jane with impunity.
With men like OP's harrasser, letting them get away with it can lead to escalation. You needn't take my work for it - org's like Suzy Lamplugh Trust & Paladin would tell you the same.

Somebody - & that means somebody with official authority, or Strange Man can claim all sorts of DARVO bullshit in retaliation - needs to have a word.
And that will only happen when OP has found someone like her MP or a local govt councillor or a senior police officer to push this report forward for her, & I imagine she's working on that now.

and yes, I do understand that some people would find it worrying but it's not a stranger, he lives nearby and he's a dickhead.
What is it about him being "not a stranger" makes you feel that means this is a safe situation?
It's well documented that women are at far more risk from men who are known to them.

As for some people would find it worrying - what's this condescending & dismissive tone about?
Have you ever been stalked? Subjected to deliberate & daily intimidation?
Sure, Strange Man is a dickhead - he's also a man who is showing OP that he is prepared to break the social contract. And once somebody has chosen to advertise to you specifically that the social construct will not prevent them from acting as they choose toward you - it's normal & sensible to worry about what else will might do, & how they might escalate.

@NoCleverNickname

I am sorry you had to endure & manage all that, & for such a debillitating amount of time. I was only 'properly scared' for 5 months, & it has still taken a BIG toll. So pleased you were able to to relocate safely, & hope you are doing well now, & content in your new life xx

WTF have I just read?

Taking a 'compassionate view' might help OP's own MH, resilience, & acceptance after the event - by which I mean when police have dealt with this properly & she feels safe again. Even then, this would be in the privacy of her own head or conversation with trusted friends. NOT with the man himself!

But I cannot believe that you are recommending that OP approaches this man at all - let alone proffering an apology. Way to justify whatever insane notion he has of being in the right, & entitled to his intimidation campaign ...

When a lion bites your leg, you don't persuade it to let go by explaining to the lion how biting hurts your leg.
You yell for a gamekeeper, & hope that s/he can act in time to save you.

That’s why I am suggesting this first attempt to make him feel heard.
IT IS NOT OP's JOB TO ALLOW ABUSIVE MEN TO FEEL HEARD.

im sure there are lots more things you can do but I’m not an expert.
Yeah, that's coming over loud & clear.
Compassion & understanding does not stop abusive men from harming women. Look at any DA/DV thread on here. Most of those women stayed for far too long, & one of the reasons is that they hung around trying to understand & forgive & make allowances & above all - hope that one day, their lion would hear them, & stop biting their leg.

Women are socialised to believe & act as if their softer & kinder emotions are a balm that will soothe the savage beast.
With reasonable people - it can work. So long as they make the same effort back.
With unreasonable people - & it's a safe bet to call a man who enjoys stalking, harrassing & intimidating unreasonable - SPOILER ... it doesn't.

What a load of tripe. You might as well have just posted #BeKind.

@KettrickenSmiled
Thanks for giving your views and I fully understand your points. I'm not diminishing or dismissing, in any way shape or form, the anxiety some people may feel at the behaviour the OP talks about. Sometimes ignoring certain types of behaviour works and sometimes it doesn't.
I really couldn't see this guy carrying it on for an appreciable number of months nor would a complaint to police by the shop opposite who has CCTV footage (as has been suggested) carry any weight in a police investigation. They may well use the footage if it went that far but the shop can't complain about the guy as it has no grounds.
Yes, it's a very uncomfortable scenario but not harassment. Standing on a pavement looking at a property opposite, isn't harassment and that isn't me being dismissive, it's a fact.
IMO, he's very unlikely to ring her doorbell or send weird letters or do anything which would put him behind bars or cause him to be investigated. Where I live, there are the same people who sit opposite my windows on a regular basis whilst drinking coffee and they can see me and I them. If I were to complain I certainly wouldn't be taken seriously. No-one would be able to prove that his eyeline gaze was directed at the OP's windows. Possibly in that direction but so what. It's not a crime. They asked him to move his car. He complied. What he is now doing is ridiculous but not a criminal offence. People who think their behaviour is annoying or unsettling you are going to continue to do it unless you ignore them.
I wish the OP luck in getting this monkey off her back. Perhaps her MP will have a word with the man or the PCC will send a representative to his home to warn him about standing in the street opposite as it's harassing the homeowner. He'll then know that it had a bad effect on her and might dream up something else, or just be content that he felt he settled the score.
So, apologies if you think my view flippant. I just don't give people like that the time of day as I don't allow anyone's stupid behaviour to affect my life. I deal with it if necessary then move on and yes, I have put drunks who are annoying me off trains when guards cite H&S for not interfering and stopped men from stealing bikes in underground car parks and held them until police arrived +++
I can be proactive but only when the occasion warrants action.
Thanks for your views.

@LoisLane66 you are being extremely irresponsible in the advice you're giving. Too many women are encouraged to ignore/dismiss male aggression/stalking, only to be attacked.

You are speaking from a place of extreme naivete or privilege.

IMO, he's very unlikely to ring her doorbell or send weird letters or do anything which would put him behind bars or cause him to be investigated

Your opinion that this man is "unlikely" to escalate or commit an offence is unhelpful Lois. OP is mitigating against the possibility that he might - &, given the lamentable police response to date - could.

It's not about assessing statistical likelihood (based on what btw? - you're not coming across as someone with any expertise or statistical awareness on the issue) as to whether he will keep offending. It's about taking sensible steps to 1) ensure all legal avenues are explored to shut his shit down & 2) help OP feel confident of her safety, & enjoy peace of mind again.

Coincidentally, this week is National Stalking Awareness Week
& I'm confident that WA would take a dim view of some the victim blaming & ridiculous confrontational or 'appeasement' advice on this thread.

Link for anyone who wants to get educated - www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-the-iopc-and-the-npcc-launch-make-yourself-heard-campaign-this-national-stalking-awareness-week/

@KettrickenSmiled well said. Some of the views on this thread beggars belief.

It's all been said but;

1. Keep a record of when you see him there. Don't go looking for him as that will cause you distress, but if you do see him, note it down.


2. Install CCTV - even if it's only one camera, so that you have it recorded.


3. Write to the Chief Superintendent and clearly mark that it is copied to your local MP.


4. It really shouldn't make a difference but try getting your husband to report it.

I appreciate the measured tone of your response @LoisLane66 - but you are still wrong!

Yes, it's a very uncomfortable scenario but not harassment. Standing on a pavement looking at a property opposite, isn't harassment and that isn't me being dismissive, it's a fact.

Yes it is - you may believe this to be true, but UK law disagrees with you.
This man's actions are both harrassment and stalking, & with sufficient evidence (logging) & frequency (reporting every incident, daily, as it happens), OP will be able to prove that & get taken seriously.
www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/stalking-and-harassment

Despite the dismaying response from the WPC in this instance, thanks to various lobby groups there is much better awareness of this issue, & both legislation & institutional training are slowing improving matters in terms of what response & help victims can be offered.
OP will be able to access that by pushing 'up the chain of command' as per advice from PP.

@Indicatrice thank you, it's been good seeing your posts too.

How very lucky you are to have lived a life where unicorns poop rainbows and neighbours bring you doughnuts!

The sorts of things you suggest - compassion, mediation, kindness - these may well work with people you actually know. They do not work with men like the one that OP is dealing with.

I've lived OP's scenario multiply 1000 and it's sh1t. I had to move to a different country. Oh I had CCTV and he had friends and balaclavas.

After he wrecked 3 of my cars, stalked my children at school (do you know that's it's not illegal to stand outside a school fence at look at the children playing? It's not illegal in UK. Other parents reported him. Not me.

My 4 and 5 y.o children (at the time) started to display symptoms of anxiety and stress. My older children (11 +) told me how they would hide behind cars or use backyard shortcuts to get away from him. But reporting him to the police always got the same response. It's not illegal to drive down the road.

He pretended to be my husband and wrote a letter of resignation. My husband was apparently stopped for speeding 500 miles from where we lived, even though he had only clocked out of work an hour earlier. The police raided my husband's workplace as they had (correct) info given anonymously about a very high end car that had been stolen (about 700 miles away the previous night) and that my husband stole the car and had hidden it at his work.

Social services came to investigate me. Someone had anonymously reported me for charging paedophiles to have sex with my toddler children.

And so it went on. And on. And on. He was like a cat with a mouse.

And you in your wisdom, who knows so much about harassment and being stalked, you want OP to put herself on the line!

You, madam, are as crazy as he is!

@Indicatrice
I wasn't advising anything, just giving my opinion on staying away from windows and looking out, which she must be doing to know how many times and for how long he is standing there. If she can see him looking at her home then there is a chance he can see her so it stands to reason that you wouldn't keep looking...or let's say, I wouldn't keep looking.
I'm perfectly sure that the majority of women haven't been the subject of stalking but this hasn't been proved as stalking or harassment. It doesn't follow that extreme measures need to be taken as a first step. The guy hasn't spoken, threatened, followed, knocked, gestured or been involved in any way other than standing on the opposite pavement. No binoculars, no phone calls, no damage to property and that's why police are reluctant to get involved. There is nothing to report other than a man standing on a pavement looking at a house and the homeowner looking out at the man on the pavement. You can't legislate for that.
These are my views and not an edict. If we all had the same views then MN would simply be an echo chamber.