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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A man has been watching my house for months. Awful experience with police who won't do anything.

306 replies

Lightintheroom · 22/04/2022 10:57

Since before Christmas, a man has been watching my house. He stands on the other side of the road and stares right up at the house for up to ten minutes at a time.

It started because DH (politely) asked him to stop parking across our drive every day.

DH works away a lot and I WFH meaning it's usually only me at home when he does it. I've reported this twice to the police online. Neither of us have approached or spoken to the man since DH asked him not to block our drive.

I've now had a call from the police who asked for details, then said there is nothing they can do. He's not breaking the law by watching the house and it's below the level for prosecution.

I've had my car tampered with, I'm often alone at home and I just wanted them to speak to him and tell him to stop. I know roughly where he lives further up the road. They won't do anything.

The police officer made me feel like an idiot. I said I'm worried he'll do something, it's making me feel uncomfortable and scared and I just want him to stop.

As they won't be doing anything, I said the only thing I can think of doing is approaching him (while recording on my phone) and telling him to stop watching my house and to leave me alone.

The officer completely turned on me and said they would be recording what I'd just said in their notes and that if I was really "in fear" that I would not approach him and that I was just "looking for a reaction" from this man.

The officer said that nobody who was genuinely in fear of someone would approach them - as if I was somehow making this up.

I made the point that it was harrassment, stalking even, and that there's currently a BTP campaign on the tube around staring at women.

I cried. Like a fool I cried on the phone to the police because the officer was so unhelpful and essentially told me I wasn't scared of this man at all.

I'm not expecting him to be charged with something, I just want someone to tell him to stop.

OP posts:
Bekstar · 23/04/2022 17:40

I would defo log a complaint with the Independent Police Complaints Office. Sounds like an officer who can't be bothered to do their job. It is considered stalking and my husband was told that he was t allowed to stand in his own house and watch the bin men each week and record them because they considered it harassment despite when already doing damage to our property and my husband concerned they were going to do it again. It's one rule for one and another for someone else. I'd ring the police and tell them your not satisfied with the response you've been given and feel in danger see if there's a direct number for the local polices domestic abuse team because although it's not domestic abuse they will log your concerns properly menacing police will have to respond.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/04/2022 18:26

Get a ring doorbell and cameras around your home. Ask the police for their complaints procedure and make a complaint about the policeman who spoke to you on the phone. Make sure they know your car was tampered with. Then write to your MP and outline everything and demand that they ask the police for an explanation of their actions. The polices’ record on this sort of thing is appalling - what are you supposed to do, wait around until this man hurts you before they’ll act ?

Juststopamoment · 23/04/2022 18:28

Ring doorbell and one of those lights that switch on when there is movement. The police are awful in these situations. I’ve completed lost faith in them.

Juststopamoment · 23/04/2022 18:32

*completely lost faith in them.

Fairyflaps · 23/04/2022 18:39

I have a neighbour who does stuff like this because he's a nasty bully. He is not stupid and mostly keeps within the restrictions of what is plausibly deniable/ just below the level of triggering police action. For example I had another neighbour who struggled with poor mental health including some degree of paranoia. Every time this unwell neighbour left his house, nasty neighbour (NN) would stand at the end of his drive and stare at him, making it obvious he was watching him. NN also made up untrue allegations about unwell neighbour approaching NN's child. Unwell neighbour moved out, which NN considered a successful outcome.

NN has also targeted me and my family. Not by staring, more ongoing harassment, petty criminal damage, and he assaulted DH. No witnesses though. And no proof it was him. The police agreed it was harassment, but said there wasn't enough evidence to do anything and told us to get a cctv camera. Since we got the cctv camera - which is clearly visible on the front of our house, NN has stopped most of the direct harassment. He has targeted things and places that we are involved with but not us directly, apart from muttering stuff if ever he passes me or DH in the street - which isn't that often.

There are several other incidents of NN harassing other neighbours. His usual targets are women, people with disabilities and people of colour. E.g. he has an electric scooter which he uses to make close passes of women when they are walking alone in the park - to try and intimidate them I guess.

How well do you know your other neighbours? Could you tell them that you've noticed this man is watching your house and ask if they've noticed it too?

Fairyflaps · 23/04/2022 18:46

Just seen that your neighbours have also seen this man's strange behaviour. That's good, and really helpful that they're prepared to share the cctv footage.

Although nothing much has happened with my nasty neighbour for a while, I keep a log, so if he starts up again, I can send the whole thing to the police to demonstrate a pattern of behaviour.

Meanwhile we avoid him, which is fine by us. He would love for me or even better DH to confront him, because then he would then feel able to justify escalating it even further and say that we started it.

Georgeskitchen · 23/04/2022 18:48

Do you have a couple of muscular male friends/relatives who could give this charmer a taste of his own medicine?

Kteeb1 · 23/04/2022 18:53

Get a security camera. Get a dog. Complain immediately about the police. Copy your MP in. Say you will go to police complaints commission and the press.

whatdoIknowabout · 23/04/2022 18:57

Sorry you have experienced this and got no support from the police - it's very disgusting how they reacted - don't they ever learn? They'd be the sort that would complain of course they're not a bunch of misogynists!
What does your DH say?

Jamaisy82 · 23/04/2022 18:58

Each time he stares just go to the window and stare back until he goes away. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Show him your not intimated by him. He clearly wants you to be.

Cait44 · 23/04/2022 18:59

Myself and my new partner who is 64 recently went to a wedding as we were entering the dining room of the hotel for the reception a neighbour of my partner's who is in her 30s threw a condom at my partner in front of about 40 people and said "you might need that later" we all laughed mostly out of embarrassment but later I told my partner I was upset by her actions and felt it was not a nice thing to do. My partner went mad with me and said she was joking and I was overreacting, this upset me more than the incident as I didn't think it was funny. Am I overreacting or was her actions in singling him out wrong?

Kimkimminy · 23/04/2022 19:00

wombat1a · 22/04/2022 15:14

The police are tied up here, if they go and talk to the person then they too can make a complaint about them because 'no crime' has been committed. Today the police are really limited in what they can and can not do compared with 30 yrs ago. Warning someone off can cost them their job.

They’re only too quick to ‘stop and search’ certain demographic groups though 🤨

Supermum29 · 23/04/2022 19:02

Complain to the police. My partner is a police officer and was appalled at the response you received!!

Kimkimminy · 23/04/2022 19:04

If this was happening to me I’d write a complaint to the Chief Constable direct with all the facts you’ve explained here - and if that was brushed aside, write to the Police & Crime Commissioner (who is basically the CC’s boss)!

Unacceptable that this is considered ‘nothing’ by the hard faced PC you reported it to, when clearly this is a frightening situation for you.

Murdoch1949 · 23/04/2022 19:07

Get CCTV installed. Write a letter of complaint to Chief Constable explaining your experience and the police response. Describe your fear. Every time he is there, go to front door/window and photograph him, with a date stamp, record a diary at same time. Talk to your local community police officer, they may be willing to speak to him. Definitely don't let it go, you are feeling unsafe in your own home.

saddowizca · 23/04/2022 19:09

Crikey OP, this man is a weirdo, does he not have anything better to do? You have my complete sympathy. All of the things I might want to suggest - like taking him out a camping chair, offering a cup of tea, taking a photo and posting on local FB page to ask if anyone knows him - would be really stupid in reality. In this situation you are doing exactly the right thing and taking notes, CCTV footage and keeping the police informed, although they are being crap. Could you speak to your local MP? sometimes they can be very helpful.
Sending virtual support x

Chuck2015 · 23/04/2022 19:20

This is intimidation and unacceptable. I would be on the phone to my local MP complaining about the police response especially in light of events in recent years. You could also try your local councillors. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this horrible situation

user47 · 23/04/2022 19:21

I have had 3 stalkers and the Police were absolutely appalling - essentially blamed me and when I complained and accused me of "fancying myself". Cunts. Utter cunts.

RenoSusan · 23/04/2022 19:21

When you want a government official to do something, always go in person. Dress smart and wear something nice. Open dialogue by asking how are you doing? Wait for an answer and then ask politely may I consult with you. Concisely and with few words state the problem and then be quiet and listen. If you are unhappy with the answer, ask kindly for a supervisor. Repeat as above. Never be rude or angry. They deal differently with "those" people. If supervisor or manager is busy ask where their office is because you would like to wait for them. It is very hard for a government person to say no to a person while looking them in the eye. Always be kind to the person you are speaking to.

Teatotal2 · 23/04/2022 19:29

My daughter was being harrassed and it was amking her seriously ill, I received a very similar response, and they were dismissive and rude, as we did not wish to press charges, just have the them spoken to. I sought advice from a friend, they advised I logged calls and made a complaint, you can do this online. It still took a few days but we did get a response and they did speak to the perpetrator. Unfortunately, the call handlers may not be experienced or knowledgeable but definitely worth persisting.

SaltBaesPonytail · 23/04/2022 19:34

I was stalked by a local man once and my bf at the time, a policeman, gave me this brilliant idea.

He suggested I tell as many neighbours as possible that there’d been a number of attempted break ins on the street / in the area, and to keep an eye out for any solo males hanging around / looking suspicious. If they saw anyone, even known to them, behaving strangely they should call the police etc.

Within days not only had several neighbours reported my stalker to police but the rumour had made its way to him that police were looking for solo men in the area. He was probably keen not to be suspected for crimes he hadn’t committed because it suddenly stopped!

To make it even better, one neighbour actually asked his wife if she knew he had been hanging around on our road! 😂

Another solution: Do you have any male friends who’d be game for pulling up next to him when he does this and saying something from the car window along the lines of “Hello Sailor…looking for trade?”

Bet that’d put him right off.

rozee83 · 23/04/2022 19:39

Log everything. Get a doorbell cam.
If this was me, I would confront the guy, or follow him to his house and do exactly the same to him. But then I'm confrontational. If you get along with your neighbours on either side, ask then uf they have noticed him.

Sillyname63 · 23/04/2022 19:39

Get one of the camera doorbell installed that way you can keep track of him doing it, report it again on a weekly basis saying you have proof of his "stalking" and you want it documented and a case number allocated hopefully you will get a sympathetic officer next time if they are not make a point of asking for their number as you will be registering a complaint with the police commissioner for your area , make sure you look up their name in advance. Also are there any PACT meetings in your area they deal with problems within the local community. Good luck

user47 · 23/04/2022 19:40

@SaltBaesPonytail that is how I solved the problem. I just thought of it myself and put a message in various local facebook/whatsapp groups.

CantFindMyMarbles · 23/04/2022 19:45
  1. make a formal complaint over the handling of your phone call. It’s wildly uncalled for. A mama bear will do lots of things she never dreamt of when in fear.
  2. keep a diary, take photos, get CCTV
  3. make another complaint to the police about stalking/intimidation/antisocial behaviour.
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