Brides & Grooms expecting wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[ohwhyohwhyohwhyohwhy]

I run a wedding catering company - based on a food truck and catering to the less formal weddings. I'm now seeing a trend where brides and grooms are emailing me and are telling me that they expect the guests to pay for the dinner themselves on the day 😮

I'm turning down these events as a matter of policy - largely because I think it is the most cheapskate move ever. But also because I could arrive and find they have 50 guests, 5 food trucks and half of them have brought a picnic instead, and I lose money.

AIBU to think most guests would baulk if I presented a card reader for their dinner at a wedding?

Really?! If the bride and groom can’t afford to feed people that’s fine, but if that’s the case surely they shouldn’t be having the expensive wedding in the first place? There are many lovely and cheaper alternatives!

Most people learn to cut their coat according to the cloth. If the B & G can’t afford to feed people they need to plan a more modest wedding.

Weddings are already so expensive to attend. I think most people view the evening meal and shared bottle of wine as a sort of consolation to offset their expenses.

If you can’t afford to feed your guest, you need to reduce your invitees. I always gift cash and am mindful that I want to at least cover the cost of my family’s meal.

I really hope it would be presented as being in lieu of gifts. Otherwise, it is expecting too much of people and really not acceptable.

Bring us presents and pay for
your own dinner! FO. That’s outrageous.

I have a similar situation, I'm an events planner for a venue. The bride, groom and her parents want a big wedding, 200 people plus, but they are driving us down on the cost of the food, so much so that I'm not sure they will like what we can provide for their budget. I want to say to them cut down your guest list and have the food you want, rather than having your total budget divided by 200. But I can't say that to them! We have fixed costs associated with an event of that size that we need to cover.
I would def have a minimum food spend agreement that they have to spend with you to cover your base costs.

Good grief, asking attendees to your wedding (mostly family, but friends, too) to pay for their meal is as bad as asking family & friends who you invite for Christmas lunch (sorry, I know it’s the C word, but humour me), to pay towards the cost of the C……s lunch. An invitation to a wedding or other family event is just that, an invitation, with the expectation that you fund it, ( family, being family, will probably ask if they can contribute in some way, but that shouldn’t be a proviso on them being able to attend); but expecting said invitees to pay for the privilege of attending your event is just crass and rude. If you can’t afford to host an event, don’t host it - simple!

I went to a wedding once that asked guests to pay a contribution for own food. Only.. it was 1999, so no bank transfers etc. The MoB went around the tables asking everyone for £30 to cover costs. Cue lots of scrambling in bags as people tried to scrape it up! (no pre-warning).
I was 21. These days I would not be scrambling.

It's not anyone's fault if the bride & groom can't afford to feed people

It is the B&G's fault if they over budgeted and expect others to pay for that choice. If they are really skint, a registry office and sandwiches after at home is an option.

I've been to weddings that were 'bring and share', but never had to actually pay for my meal!

Collectively guests pay more for weddings than the B&G I think. Hotels, travel, gifts, drink at the wedding, possibly an outfit, other food/drinks if you have to stay over x 100 people.

Weddings are so OTT these days. Ridiculous. people want an Insta day but can’t afford it so costs have been pushed back on to guests. No one expects free champagne all day but if you can’t afford it you shouldn’t be doing it.

I went to a wedding where guests had to pay for their own food. We were told in advance so at least people had the option to decline the invite (which several people did, including members of the couple's families). The issue (for me) was that the venue was a £50 a head kind of place, and the rest of the wedding had clearly cost a huge sum - gorgeous designer wedding dress, big wedding party, professional hair and make-up, floristry, etc. I attended because I'd known the bride a long time, but I was pretty embarrassed on her behalf. DH didn't come because we couldn't afford two dinners. It was a pretty small wedding in terms of guest numbers and nobody seemed to be having a very good time.
Contrast that with another friend who also couldn't afford to feed everyone in a fancy place so hired a village hall, the bride and a few friends batch cooked some lasagnes, salads etc in advance, bought in plenty of wine and beer from costco, asked a few other friends to contribute cakes, some one else arranged some flowers the couple had bought... I think their primary expense was the band for a ceilidh. Honestly one of the most enjoyable weddings I've been to.

Bring & share / potluck sounds lovely if all the guests are local but would be awkward for those who are travelling - especially if they’re coming by train the day before or something, so a dish couldn’t be kept flat & the food would be a day old.

I'm so happy to see so many saying that this is just not to be done! I thought, at first, that I must be hopelessly oId fashioned! Apparently not, or not about this, at any rate!

Many years ago

@BearBibble that does sound lovely and the B&G we’re doing it within their budget. Blowing all the budget on a designer dress, make-up etc. and then asking guests to pay is incredibly bad etiquette and I’d be embarrassed too.

...many years ago my parents went to a "Bring and Share" wedding, but it was a very low cost wedding and the reception was in the church hall. There was no additional hire costs as they were connected to the church. There is probably a point at which it is acceptable and another when it isn't.

I am still shocked at the £900 village hall hire, that is surely just to put people off. A few years back I paid £20 an hour for a local village hall and it was less if you lived in the parish.

The two best weddings that I have been to in my long experience of wedding attendance were at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. One was a very low budget bring and share for a couple from very modest backgrounds who were just starting out from university. The other was for a couple who were from very well-off families. It was very tasteful but it was obvious that no expense was spared; they even paid for hotel rooms for out of town guests. What these two weddings had in common and the reason that they were so enjoyable is that much of the focus was on the guests and their comfort and needs. A lot of attention had gone to that, and it showed.

Oh, and for the bring and share wedding, that was in lieu of gifts.

They're all identical too. What is the point?!

I think it's rude to expect invited guests to pay for their food. I have reluctantly accepted pay bars, but food fgs. It can cost quite a bit to attend a wedding, travel, sometimes accommodation, present, new clothes, so I think the least the couple can do is shell out a few grand for food. If you can't afford to do that have a smaller wedding then organise a separate party for your less close friends later .... but make sure you tell them they've got to pay for their McD's.

Personally I'd be ok with this. Weddings can be really expensive, but it can still be nice to get everyone together. So if we had to pay for our own food it wouldn't worry me (unless horribly expensive such as a 5* hotel). I think a couple of different food trucks is also a good idea. However, you need to make sure of 2 things (1) you cover your costs so you need to impose a minimum guaranteed spend with the B&G and they should pay a deposit. If they are only having 100 guests and they won't all buy from you - so you could have a very quiet day if you don't do this. (2) make the cost clear with signage (I'm sure you do usually) so no surprises for guests.

I've been to weddings that were 'bring and share', but never had to actually pay for my meal!

Many years ago

My wedding wasn’t that long ago but had an element of bring and share to it. It suited the type of wedding celebration we had and is normal for family get togethers in both my and my husband’s family.

From your point of view all you need to do is make sure you get your money. Imagine the headache of giving everybody a bill and getting the money. Say everything will need to be paid for upfront. Set meal at £X per head. Up to them how they get the money off the guests. Don't get involved in this nonsense.

I’ve been to a wedding where the couple hadn’t got much money. They asked that instead of gifts the guests paid for their own meals, as they would like as many of their friends as possible to celebrate with them. It was lovely, so no problem with the idea in general.

@Crudger were you at my wedding lol