Brides & Grooms expecting wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[ohwhyohwhyohwhyohwhy]

I run a wedding catering company - based on a food truck and catering to the less formal weddings. I'm now seeing a trend where brides and grooms are emailing me and are telling me that they expect the guests to pay for the dinner themselves on the day 😮

I'm turning down these events as a matter of policy - largely because I think it is the most cheapskate move ever. But also because I could arrive and find they have 50 guests, 5 food trucks and half of them have brought a picnic instead, and I lose money.

AIBU to think most guests would baulk if I presented a card reader for their dinner at a wedding?

@toastofthetown Or they could be having a low budget reception in a family member's field, with alcohol bulk purchased. There are many options which involve hiring a food truck which don't involve a licensed venue. Many expensive venues wouldn't allow external caterers, or would have an approved list at the least.

Yes, because so many people have family members with the odd unused field just laying about 😂 As it happens, we had a lovely meadow with views to the church, walking distance from the church and space to park too. It took my husband 3 months of regular mowing to get that meadow into condition for my friend's daughter's big day. Marquee, toilets, caterers truck, coffee truck, ice cream truck, straw bales for outdoor seating... It was the most wonderful day for everyone, but a lot of work too. So as long as the OPs guests bring tents, umbrellas and potties with them, it should work out beautifully.

It sounds like a great way to cater a wedding (not charging the guests though, that’s rude). How do people normally do it? Just hire you for enough food for all the guests or do they have several food trucks and ask you to supply say a third or something? I’ve been to weddings with ice creams vans or a fish and chip van for the evening, but not something where a food van has done all the catering!

It's their wedding, their guests and up to them what they choose to do. If I was invited to such a wedding, I wouldn't be bothered about paying as long as I knew to take cash. We've been invited to a wedding in a posh hotel, hours away in an area with little alternative for accommodation for us and have been told our "discounted" hotel rooms are £150 each. We need two for two nights so accommodation alone will cost us £600. We have little choice as it is a sibling's wedding. Frankly, paying some money for food from a food truck would feel far less cheeky.

And just how high do you think the chances are that people making this choice will forgo the chance of all that lovely dosh, probably with some comment about "Well everyone was asking so we asked for money to make it easier for them"?

We said we didn't want gifts. About half of our guests called my mum to ask what they should get as they had to get something. She set up an account for travel vouchers for our honeymoon without us knowing about it as she knew we didn't want to end up with a roomful of well meaning but unusable gifts. Not sure why you think the "everyone is asking" thing is rubbish, because they often do.

The diy catering I’m thinking of isn’t usually everyone bringing a casserole dish. More likely a few close family members and friends sorting it. Might be homemade buffet, might be Costco sandwich platters etc.

YANBU if they B&G can't afford to feed loads of people they should have a small wedding. Being invited to a wedding, in my experience is usually an out of the ordinary financial outlay for guests as it is, never mind having to essentially pay to attend it. I like your policy and I think you should keep it.

Go get married in a registry office and have a small dinner afterwards if you can’t afford to host people

This. I think there has to be a complete shift in expectations about weddings. They are hugely expensive. Housing is now hugely expensive. General living costs are only going to get more expensive. Wages are not getting higher to match these costs. Basically, big weddings are now only for the wealthy.

If enough people start cutting back on what they are prepared to spend then prices in the wedding industry may eventually drop.

That's awful. If people cannot afford to host at that scale, they should have immediate family and have a dinner at home or go out with family to a local inexpensive place to eat. Weddings don't have to be huge or include large numbers of people.

I agree with OPs policy absolutely, but I disagree that people should never ask for contributions for food (as long as they're clear from the outset). One of my close friends had to leave work to look after their disabled son, and although her DH works hard he doesn't earn much and can't take time out to retrain etc. They paid of course for the registry office and ceremony parts, but it was nice to have food after but wouldn't be something they could afford. As long as they don't judge or lay the guilt trip on those who choose not to come and pay, then it was lovely to be able to celebrate with them and for them to have a really nice day. There weren't loads of us but wouldn't have thought them getting into debt was a better option than being open and honest with loved ones.

But they didn't book a catering food truck did they @DeyHuggee?

I don't have any issue with a pot luck wedding. I'm happy to contribute to food or as I said, go to the pub with the bride and groom and pay for my own food and drink.

But that's not what the OP is talking about. She's talking about planning an expensive wedding and expecting your guests to pay for it.

Hmmm. If I paid for food from a food truck and not give a present then it night end up being cheaper for me.

There is a huge difference between

1-saying money is short but you want to see your friends and family and would be hugely appreciative if they could bring a platter to the hall you hired as that’s all you can afford. Be clear that it’s them you want to see and you do not want presents.

2.getting married in a posh catered house which is usually well-known locally as being expensive and telling your guests at the last minute that they will have to be a large sum per person, in order to eat there, and expecting gifts/money. That is just pretending you can afford it but expecting others to subsidise you at their own personal expense!

1 is fine, 2 is totally cheeky twattery.

As a wedding caterer you have to have a minimum spend or it’s not worthwhile organizing, they may just as well have a house party and get auntie to do the food.
Two of the weddings I’ve been to recently had Sausage and Mash, that worked well, it doesn’t have to be complicated, fancy decorations and complex settings cost a lot to arrange. Make sure who is paying and get a decent deposit, if the couple say they are paying themselves make sure they have the means to do that, they will have paid for the honeymoon up front, don’t get caught.

Problem is that everyone on here says oh, have a tiny wedding if you can't afford it, immediate family only, just go out to dinner with two witnesses etc, and then start threads being offended because their husband and four kids weren't invited to their friend's daughter's wedding.

Yes and I agree as I have said with OPs stance, it's entirely sensible! But just some of the general comments on the thread about it.

How frightfully common.

But that's not what the OP is talking about. She's talking about planning an expensive wedding and expecting your guests to pay for it.

That's NOT what the OP said. She didn't say if they were cheap weddings or grand.

I would agree that spending a fortune on a wedding and then asking your guests to pay 100/head for their dinner would be incredibly rude.

But the more likely scenario is people are on a really tight budget and are in a low-cost venue, and food-truck meals would be what -- 10/head? How much do you charge OP?

If I go to a really modest wedding and I know the couple don't have much money, I absolutely do not mind paying 10 quid for a pizza. I don't see how that's any different to paying 10 quid for drinks or 10 quid to make some potluck dish.

I feel quite differently.

It's one thing if a couple have extravagant flowers, exclusive venue, and expensive outfits and then ask you to pay for food because their budget doesn't cover it - I would resent this.

But if it's a case of a couple being really strapped for cash then I would happily pay for meal to celebrate with them if their budget would mean they could only host 10 guests 'properly'. PP have said this too.

I can see that it wouldn't work for you as a caterer but I don't think there is anything wrong with getting guests to pay for food IF everyone knows about it. Maybe if they said they didn't want any gifts at all but ask that guests pay for their own meals then that would be fine by me.

But the OP's point @dreamingbohemian is that food trucks are at places where you can take your own food. So if people don't want to pay a tenner for a pulled pork sarnie, they might bring their own food.

Which means the OP is going to end up out of pocket. I'd imagine you need to clear at least £500 to break even on a wedding.

interseting

I was invited to a wedding once along with my dds who the bride and groom didn't know. The format was to be 120 guest and the bill split equally... thus my two children and me would count as 3 guests. Needless to say I declined this invite as a single parent I couldn't afford to pay for many rounds of drinks and wine etc added to the bill

Had I been presented with a food truck and a credit card machine - id have thought I just pay for what I have and a beer truck would be the same.

I had a friend who had a wedding and the room hire was free with a minimum spend of £2000 behind the bar and the wedding buffet.

A truck charging £2000 deposit and then returning this to the bride and groom after a minimum spend of £2000 would be acceptable and stop then hiring a few trucks

Even if it’s a cheap wedding and guests know it’s them to pay, from a food truck owners point of view it’s not attractive unless b & g guarantee minimum spend.
So eg wedding at local cricket club - cheap bar and invite says fish & chip van will be there at 7pm if you want to buy food. Told there’s 100 guests. She needs to cater for 100 otherwise she’s letting guests down potentially. But she doesn’t know if she’ll sell 100 meals or 50.

This seems to be a thing in the US, but I wouldn't just ask guests to pay for their own meal.

I'm not sure where in the US you are talking about, but I live in the US, and I've probably been to over a 100 weddings in my lifetime (I'm pretty old), and I have never been to a wedding where guests paid for their own alcoholic drinks, much less the food. Cash bars are a no-no where I live; cash food, pearls would be well and truly clutched.

Of course, I have been to many weddings where there was no booze at all (Bible Belt) and also a few where only sandwiches and cake were served. I went to one where we were asked to bring a dish or bottle of wine instead of a gift.

When people give a party, which is what a wedding reception is, they need to have one they can afford. The more modest ones I have been to were often the most enjoyable because it was not about the big show, but about the people.

I see the difficulties with the OP possibly losing money on this.
Secondly, I think if this is explicitly stated on the invitation, then guests are not suddenly put in a difficult situation, and having to pay when they did not expect to.
The suggestion of someone else to ask guests to all bring a pot luck dish dounds fine, but there could be issues over insurance/ food allergies, etc.
Personally, I think it better to have the wedding you can afford. Although most weddings these seem to operate a paying bar, but have free allocated wine for the table.

Yes, this very much isn't an American thing.

In fact, Americans are generally aghast at the idea of a cash bar (something that's rubbed off on me since I've been here). Some weddings are dry by request, but otherwise people tend to provide what they can. Many wedding venues allow people to arrange their own alcohol as long as a bartender is hired, in which case it can be a couple kegs and someone to pour, which is under $500 for about 300 beers. Or venues go full out with open bar packages sold by the hour. But the one-glass-of-bubbles-and-then-we-charge-you model is very uncommon in the States.

Yes that's why I said the OP was reasonable to turn down the job. That's a separate question as to whether it's wrong for guests to pay for food in the first place.