Brides & Grooms expecting wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[ohwhyohwhyohwhyohwhy]

I run a wedding catering company - based on a food truck and catering to the less formal weddings. I'm now seeing a trend where brides and grooms are emailing me and are telling me that they expect the guests to pay for the dinner themselves on the day 😮

I'm turning down these events as a matter of policy - largely because I think it is the most cheapskate move ever. But also because I could arrive and find they have 50 guests, 5 food trucks and half of them have brought a picnic instead, and I lose money.

AIBU to think most guests would baulk if I presented a card reader for their dinner at a wedding?

I've been to wedding across the scale from all expenses paid overseas destinations to a glass of wine and a slice of wedding cake in the cloisters of the church after the service followed by a meal in a cheapish chain if you wanted to come you paid for. All were lovely as everyone was considerate of their guests needs despite the budget. Some have asked everyone to bring a dish for a buffet in the church hall, others have offered tea sandwiches and cakes as a full meal was beyond the B&Gs means. TBH they were all lovely happy days. However unless the wedding was low key asking guests to buy their own meal from a food truck at a venue is quite naff.

I’m surprised people can’t see the difference between paying for food and at an evening bar.

When there’s an evening bar, drink with the meal (usually alcohol, but at minimum soft drinks) has been provided. At an evening do, there is usually an arrival drink or a toasting drink. Beyond that, if some people want to drink loads and loads of booze, then they can pay for it themselves. Some people might spend £50 or £100 just on booze during an evening. There’s no need for the host to fund a huge booze up.

however, there is a need to actually host people. Some kind of food and drink is needed…and should be provided. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, but it should be provided.

People who want guests to pay for their meal, have usually splashed out somewhere along the line on venue or daft things like chair covers or expensive photographers. All that’s fine if you can feed your guests. If you can’t though, you should be choosing your venue and other fripperies so that you can afford to feed your guests, even if in a basic way.

Hosting people involves …hosting! That means feeding people and providing something to drink. The exact quantities and type is up to the host.

The worst examples of this kind of thing are those who have an expensive dress, choose a venue that is difficult to get to or you need to stay over night for (all involving costs for guests) and have a big, long expensive hen/stag do, lots of things like a flower wall, picture booth etc which all cost…..and then are cheapskate with food and ask people to pay.

much better to go for simpler wedding and to host the guests with a good meal and some drink. Whether there’s a free bar is a matter of choice and budget.

Otherwise you’re not ‘inviting’ people to an event and hosting them. Instead, it’s like inviting people to join you at the park for the day, where everyone supplies their own food and sustenance or pays to get into a place you all choose to go to.

people should choose their wedding to fir their budget and not go for stuff that’s unaffordable and means guests need to pay for it.

I wouldn't take your food van to a wedding like that. You would have no idea what prep to do or what numbers you would get.

I do a lot of work in events for a local old building and lots of weddings are held there - no guests are ever expected to pay for food from any of the trucks be it fish and chips, noodles, pizza etc etc. The bride and groom pay in full, and the food vans are told what other catering will be there as well, just as happens when you take mobile catering to any event.

Is it just me or is anyone else having to look some of these things up?
First it was flower walls and now a doughnut board ... I'm waiting with bated breath to learn of yet more ways of wasting money

Tables with glass jars full of sweets seemed to be a staple for a couple of years. Not sure if that trend has died.

donut board seems random.

Seems to be American thing ‘holy matrimony’

I do not, because practically ever sodding wedding has them. 'Let's be unique and get a sweet card and a photobooth with props!' Aye ok then bet no ones ever thought of that before

asking minimum spend is the way to go.

if I was a guest and asked to pay for my own, it personally wouldn’t bother me. But def need good communication so no one caught short on the day

I wouldn’t mind paying for my own meal. My nephew gets married next month and has just paid £1800 to cover meals. I’d much prefer to pay for mine so he can use his money for something else instead. It’s all a huge outlay, when people -if they don’t mind- could you let me pay their own way.

I’d feel that was tacky. If the b and g want the guests to pay, they should pay you the costs of the meal, and recuperate the money from the guests themselves. Therefore, if there’s any shortfall, they cover the costs, not you.

I've never heard of this. It seems really rude to me. How is it worded on the invite - or is it even mentioned in advance?

It's his choice to outlay that for meals though. It's not compulsory. If it's too much he could choose a cheaper option for his wedding. Obviously he feels he can afford it. If you want to help out with expenses I suppose you can give a cash gift?

I've never seen a doughnut board at a wedding, but I did go to a wedding once where the groom's cake was made from Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Something like this.

Seems to be American thing ‘holy matrimony’

Subtle, and oh so very good!! grin]

And hang on a sec, @SenecaFallsRedux, what's this about a groom's cake? Unless you mean it was a same sex ceremony or something, please don't tell me they had one each??

The nicest and most memorable wedding I've been to was on the shore of a loch, we all took our own food and drink, with a bit of organisation to make sure there was BBQ for everyone. It was all about the couple and the friendships and family which surrounded them. So romantic.

The worst was at an uber expensive wedding venue only hotel, with a crazy list of 'extras' at the reception, from photo booths to clowns, multiple meals, studio for photos of everyone (with timetabled slots), tophat and tails dress code and really strict timetable for everything. It was basically a demonstration of bling and brash wealth.

If a couple can't afford thier wedding ideas, then then need to look long and hard at thier relationship and thier life expectations.

@Puzzledandpissedoff As soon as I posted, I thought I probably need to explain what a groom's cake is, as that is probably not a thing in other parts of the world (but might be in time if this thread is any indication.)

In the US (especially the South where I'm from) there are often two cakes: the wedding cake and the groom's cake. The wedding cake is traditional and usually white and tiered as you would expect. The groom's cake is often themed around some interest of the groom. Traditionally, it is chocolate or has some chocolate in it. Did you see the movie Steel Magnolias? The groom's cake was in the shape of an armadillo. 😀

Unless you mean it was a same sex ceremony or something, please don't tell me they had one each??

I've only been to one same sex wedding; they were women, and as I recall they only had one cake.

Ah - very many thanks, SenecaFallsRedux
Yes, I was aware it's a thing in some parts of the US but hadn't realised you were over there so was mixing my cultures up

Much as I love America and its people, I honestly feel that's one Americanism we can do without, though doubtless it'll be on its way soon!!

i thought the doughnut board was supposed to be a cheap alternative to a cake?!

In the US (especially the South where I'm from) there are often two cakes: the wedding cake and the groom's cake. The wedding cake is traditional and usually white and tiered as you would expect. The groom's cake is often themed around some interest of the groom.

So is the idea that the groom is an individual with his own important interests but the only generic interest/hobby that all brides have in their lives is 'getting married'?

Omg that’s so cheeky!

a friend of mine had a similar wedding but without the £5k parent contribution! I was the only bridesmaid and happy to buy my own dress, do both of our hair and makeup, we put together flowers between us. 10 guests in total and we all went to a local restaurant and paid for our own meals.

it was a lovely day and I didn’t resent any of it!

but then they hadn’t been given £5k towards it!

Some modern weddings astound me, from the ridiculously high cost of weddings with all the frills (only for the super-rich now methinks), right down to the paying for your own meals and pay the B&G with cash in place of wedding presents.
In my day (1980's) you either had the traditional wedding with frills or the register office and generally guests of either option would know what to expect. With either option it would have been unthinkable for guests to pay for their own food (very rude IMO😡), and cash in place of gifts would have been offered by the guests and not demanded by the B&G.
As others have said OP, you should consider a minimum spend for this booking, if only to ensure you cover your overheads, but I do agree that weddings are becoming a minefield of both B&G and guest expectations and communication of these expectations is key. Good luck💐