Brides & Grooms expecting wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[ohwhyohwhyohwhyohwhy]

I run a wedding catering company - based on a food truck and catering to the less formal weddings. I'm now seeing a trend where brides and grooms are emailing me and are telling me that they expect the guests to pay for the dinner themselves on the day 😮

I'm turning down these events as a matter of policy - largely because I think it is the most cheapskate move ever. But also because I could arrive and find they have 50 guests, 5 food trucks and half of them have brought a picnic instead, and I lose money.

AIBU to think most guests would baulk if I presented a card reader for their dinner at a wedding?

[Allthe4s]

Not sure people are saying you can’t celebrate if you can’t afford it. They’re saying cut your cloth appropriately. If a couple is genuinely strapped for cash, what makes you think all your friends have sufficient to afford to eat out and want to do so at your wedding, which as discussed comes with other costs. What happens when you get multiple invites per year as often happens?

All that aside, think the point is often (not always) the wedding party are spending large sums on make up, dresses etc. to make it an insta day whilst simultaneously pushing costs, aka charging guests, to make their day for them. A genuine couple having a low key event with a small gathering of close family/friends who know the score re. self-funding guests is not what is mostly being described.

[MyrtlethePurpleTurtle]

@mudgetastic

So if you are strapped for cash you can't afford to host you are not entitled to celebrate your special day with friends and party ?

Because of some arbitrary rules and conventions around "hosting "

If people are aware ( and the bride and groom don't have a gift list because they can't afford to provide food in return ) I think it's fine

Although asking for a guaranteed income for your time and effort is also fine

I agree - but suspect we are lone voices…

[myeyesneverstoprolling]

In response to the OP that said would never give permission for news outlets to share your post. I read your story on Newsweek. I'm sorry to say since this is a public forum. They don't have to get your permission.

[myeyesneverstoprolling]

If I found out I had to pay for my own food at a wedding reception. I would just leave and delete the couple from my life. Call me petty but I said what I said🤷‍♀️

[Diedre44]

DH and I were witnesses for friends many years ago, registry office ceremony, close family and friends only. She didn't want a do and so we were just going for a meal on the afternoon. BG came knocking on our door the night before asking for £10 deposit to book the table. Wasn't even a restaurant was a Harvesters pub or the like iirc.

[toastofthetown]

@ohwhyohwhyohwhyohwhy

In response to a PM I received earlier from a journalist, under no circumstances will I be giving permission for this thread to appear in a news outlet of any description whatsoever.

They can take it with or without your permission. Mumsnet is public platform and people can take your posts and share them in as many ways as they like: sending a screenshot to friends, Reddit post, print the post out and stick on the village noticeboard, write news articles about it, have a T-shirt custom made, banner from a plane, ten part mini series...

I had a thread make it to the Mirror once. Didn't care because I wouldn't share something in public that I want to be kept private (especially in AIBU).

[Blossomtoes]

You don’t need to give permission.

[ohwhyohwhyohwhyohwhy]

In response to a PM I received earlier from a journalist, under no circumstances will I be giving permission for this thread to appear in a news outlet of any description whatsoever.

[MoFro]

You’re doing the right thing by telling these CFs you’re already booked on that day.

[Roo4u]

@Crudger were you at my wedding lol

[Shelby2010]

I’ve been to a wedding where the couple hadn’t got much money. They asked that instead of gifts the guests paid for their own meals, as they would like as many of their friends as possible to celebrate with them. It was lovely, so no problem with the idea in general.

[Viviennemary]

From your point of view all you need to do is make sure you get your money. Imagine the headache of giving everybody a bill and getting the money. Say everything will need to be paid for upfront. Set meal at £X per head. Up to them how they get the money off the guests. Don't get involved in this nonsense.

[Zazdar]

I've been to weddings that were 'bring and share', but never had to actually pay for my meal!

Many years ago

My wedding wasn’t that long ago but had an element of bring and share to it. It suited the type of wedding celebration we had and is normal for family get togethers in both my and my husband’s family.

[TokyoTen]

Personally I'd be ok with this. Weddings can be really expensive, but it can still be nice to get everyone together. So if we had to pay for our own food it wouldn't worry me (unless horribly expensive such as a 5* hotel). I think a couple of different food trucks is also a good idea. However, you need to make sure of 2 things (1) you cover your costs so you need to impose a minimum guaranteed spend with the B&G and they should pay a deposit. If they are only having 100 guests and they won't all buy from you - so you could have a very quiet day if you don't do this. (2) make the cost clear with signage (I'm sure you do usually) so no surprises for guests.

[Murdoch1949]

I think it's rude to expect invited guests to pay for their food. I have reluctantly accepted pay bars, but food fgs. It can cost quite a bit to attend a wedding, travel, sometimes accommodation, present, new clothes, so I think the least the couple can do is shell out a few grand for food. If you can't afford to do that have a smaller wedding then organise a separate party for your less close friends later .... but make sure you tell them they've got to pay for their McD's.

[DressingGownofDoom]

@BeerLoas

Collectively guests pay more for weddings than the B&G I think. Hotels, travel, gifts, drink at the wedding, possibly an outfit, other food/drinks if you have to stay over x 100 people.

Weddings are so OTT these days. Ridiculous. people want an Insta day but can’t afford it so costs have been pushed back on to guests. No one expects free champagne all day but if you can’t afford it you shouldn’t be doing it.

They're all identical too. What is the point?!

[SenecaFallsRedux]

Oh, and for the bring and share wedding, that was in lieu of gifts.

[SenecaFallsRedux]

The two best weddings that I have been to in my long experience of wedding attendance were at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. One was a very low budget bring and share for a couple from very modest backgrounds who were just starting out from university. The other was for a couple who were from very well-off families. It was very tasteful but it was obvious that no expense was spared; they even paid for hotel rooms for out of town guests. What these two weddings had in common and the reason that they were so enjoyable is that much of the focus was on the guests and their comfort and needs. A lot of attention had gone to that, and it showed.

[WhiteFire]

...many years ago my parents went to a "Bring and Share" wedding, but it was a very low cost wedding and the reception was in the church hall. There was no additional hire costs as they were connected to the church. There is probably a point at which it is acceptable and another when it isn't.

I am still shocked at the £900 village hall hire, that is surely just to put people off. A few years back I paid £20 an hour for a local village hall and it was less if you lived in the parish.

[BeerLoas]

@BearBibble that does sound lovely and the B&G we’re doing it within their budget. Blowing all the budget on a designer dress, make-up etc. and then asking guests to pay is incredibly bad etiquette and I’d be embarrassed too.

[WhiteFire]

@Jaxhog

I've been to weddings that were 'bring and share', but never had to actually pay for my meal!

Many years ago

[Mamanyt]

I'm so happy to see so many saying that this is just not to be done! I thought, at first, that I must be hopelessly oId fashioned! Apparently not, or not about this, at any rate!

[EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn]

Bring & share / potluck sounds lovely if all the guests are local but would be awkward for those who are travelling - especially if they’re coming by train the day before or something, so a dish couldn’t be kept flat & the food would be a day old.

[BearBibble]

I went to a wedding where guests had to pay for their own food. We were told in advance so at least people had the option to decline the invite (which several people did, including members of the couple's families). The issue (for me) was that the venue was a £50 a head kind of place, and the rest of the wedding had clearly cost a huge sum - gorgeous designer wedding dress, big wedding party, professional hair and make-up, floristry, etc. I attended because I'd known the bride a long time, but I was pretty embarrassed on her behalf. DH didn't come because we couldn't afford two dinners. It was a pretty small wedding in terms of guest numbers and nobody seemed to be having a very good time.
Contrast that with another friend who also couldn't afford to feed everyone in a fancy place so hired a village hall, the bride and a few friends batch cooked some lasagnes, salads etc in advance, bought in plenty of wine and beer from costco, asked a few other friends to contribute cakes, some one else arranged some flowers the couple had bought... I think their primary expense was the band for a ceilidh. Honestly one of the most enjoyable weddings I've been to.

[BeerLoas]

Collectively guests pay more for weddings than the B&G I think. Hotels, travel, gifts, drink at the wedding, possibly an outfit, other food/drinks if you have to stay over x 100 people.

Weddings are so OTT these days. Ridiculous. people want an Insta day but can’t afford it so costs have been pushed back on to guests. No one expects free champagne all day but if you can’t afford it you shouldn’t be doing it.