Rehoming cat as DH hates him?

[Terribleguiltovercat]

I had the cat when I met DH which was a few years ago and DH just hates him and constantly complains about him and it’s really getting to me.

We have a young child or I would rethink the whole relationship tbh. But I can’t live like this.

@ForRealThough

but why the horrible language shmess? Would you say that to someone you'd just met and chatting to? Probably not. So rude and disrespectful of people on the internet. We are normal, sensitive people who do not like being sworn at by strangers! You didn't deserve those Siamese!!

Are you taking the piss?

how old is your child? Is he perhaps genuinely anxious about the child (if very young) and the cat? Some people are like that and don’t like their kids around animals 🤷🏻‍♀️

i have a large scar on my chin from a cat scratch that I got when I was 7. They do cause harm. Just not as obviously ir as drastically as a dog. I might not fear for my child’s life around a cat but nor would I want them scarred.

I agree with this advice. Have you actualky told your husband how mucb his emails and negative comments are upsetting you. I don't think you need to get rid of the cat or the husband but he does need telling to shut up about it. He made his choice, the cat is lart of the family and he needs to stop going on about it. Make it really clear to him that it is pushing you to consider having to get rid of the cat which frankly would just build resentment in your relationship. Stand up to your husband and his nonsense.

The cat is obviously not that young so unlikely that a rescue will take him. If they do take him they will almost certainly put him to sleep.

So instead of ending his days in the home I am guessing he has lived in all his life he will likely end them in a rescue centre. Can you live with that on your conscience? I know I couldn't

I think this is fundamentally about respect. Your husband knows how much the cat means to you, and if you have asked him to stop mentioning it, then he should respect you enough to leave it alone and not keep hassling you about it.

Incidentally, I have a cat and I love him dearly. I would never consider rehoming him as I made a commitment to look after him; I would only even contemplate it if my child had a bad allergy as then there would be no choice. But if a partner asked me to get rid of him then it would be a clear sign they weren't the right person for me as they clearly don't understand me well.

Hi OP,

I think oftentimes our fixations on things, particularly a partner's pet that they had before us, are informed by deeper fixations/insecurities/worries that we have. They almost become the 'step kid' in the relationship.

Did you have the pet in a previous relationship? Does he associate the cat as being a previous partner's, and therefore not his? Can you think of other issues that he is bringing up before he launches into one of these tirades about the cat?

Sometimes when people don't feel heard, they can then shift focus to things that they are able to control, and unfortunately pets are often caught in the crossfire of this misdirected angst. It's possible that your DH doesn't even realise that he's doing this.

In no way does it excuse his behaviour, but I think trying to make sense of it will make the situation less maddening for you, and may help you to have a meaningful discussion with him that has more of a long-term fix, rather than a short-term fix if you've only dealt with the surface issue i.e. his annoyance.

Next time an episode of this is triggered, ask him about what his other grievances are at home/in the relationship, and try to work on them. If you're finding that too tough, consider couples' therapy.

Hope this is helpful, OP. Hang in there 💐

Whether he likes the cat or not is irrelevant. His behaviour is grinding you down and he does not seem to be taking that seriously. He is a grown up, he can cope without harping on about the cat all the time. That is what I would be talking to him about if I were you.

The cat is obviously not that young so unlikely that a rescue will take him. If they do take him they will almost certainly put him to sleep.

I don't think for instance Cat's Protection put down cats just due to age. And they'll take cats of any age of course.

@Terribleguiltovercat This is your cat. You say you would feel terrible guilt. Of course you shouldn't do it. Your husband sounds like a twat. His talk about your cat is cruel, and hurtful to you. I would tell him to stop going on about it, say he knew you had a cat when he got with you.

the Main thing I really love my dh for is that even though he proclaims not to really be an animal person he has never complained about the various animals I’ve acquired. Not the dog which growled and bit him every day for years, not the cat which wakes us up 3x a night yowling his head off, not when the dog shits in the front room, not the elderly incontinent cat who peed on the dining room carpet every day for six months. Never said a word. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat animals.

There’s something else going on here. You’ve had the cat since you met and yet he’s spent your entire marriage moaning about it until he’s got his own way, regardless of how attached either you or your child are to the cat. Major alarm bells ringing. Once you get rid of the cat, what other surprises does he have in store.

Much the same n my house but i totally ignore OH. I have a few dogs and cat. Hubby loves dogs but cant stand the cat. The cat i believe can't stand him either which is fine by me!
Whenever OH starts moaning, complaining about the cat my eyes glaze over and i yawn!.
He would never hurt the cat and but just doesn't like him.
I really couldn't care less what my OH thinks of the cat as i absolutely adore him (the cat) and thats it!

I really couldn't care less what my OH thinks of the cat as i absolutely adore him (the cat) and thats it!

@Bettysnow I still wouldn't like a partner talking like that about my pet, though. Whether you can let it be water off a ducks back doesn't mean it's nice.

@ Rosscameasdoody well put, or he'd just moan about something else.

You need to sit him down and tell him, once and for all, to shut the fuck up.

He knew you had a cat. He chose to move in with you, marry you and have a baby with you knowing you had a cat. And now he's complaining about it - he has zero right to bitch and moan about now. He chose to move in with you regardless, so now he needs to suck it up.

We have three cats and although DH likes to complain about them, I know 100% he doesn't mean it, and when one went missing last year, he went out at 5am and midnight to try and find her, AND cried when we finally got her back home.

Your DH just sounds unpleasant and he needs to quit his whinging.

Yes i agree it isn't one bit nice but i guess it depends on whats being said doesn't it?
I mean my OH doesn't scream abuse at the cat or anything just low level moaning which i ignore.
If he was distressing the cat in any way then that would be totally different

Your husband is a nasty individual and I wouldn't put it past him to dispose of the cat in some unsavoury and cowardly manner and claim he knows nothing about the cats mysterious disappearance.

Your cat has spent its life trusting you and is now at risk.

I’m not really a cat person, more a dog one tbh, but if my DP had owned a cat when we got together, I’d be fine with it. You can’t just start picking away at peoples pets if you chose to get involved as a couple!
I always think of Prince Charles’ dog whom he adored… Diana put so much pressure on him to ‘get rid of it’ that eventually he did and was very upset. Something like that would have me straight out of the relationship (carrying the dog with me!) 🐕
i viewed her differently after that.

Your husband sounds horrible. Get rid of him- seriously.

My midwife said simular when she visited the house for my booking in appointment. She heavily suggested I rehome our cats before ds was born. I didn't, obviously, but it really rubbed me up the wring way.

He's jealous of the cat, it's taking up your time and attention!

This would get me down as well. Personally I couldnt be with someone who hated animals (especially my cat!)

Isnt this more about how you deal with these comments? Just ignore them. Im a cat lover so would never get rid of a cat.
Is he making these comments out of a genuine anxiety? If so, he is merely expressing his worries so you can both address those
Or is he using it as a means to something else?

He's a powerful fully grown man. The cat is an innocent animal. As long as you're sure he won't hurt the cat, you can try keeping both. However, if you're NOT sure , tell this bloke you choose the cat. He sounds like a real pimple.

@QuebecBagnet

your DH sounds like a saint!

I love animals but I couldn’t be doing with that, the smell and hygiene issues and constant cleaning must be a drain

I have fostered cats for several years. It's utter bollocks that it means nothing to them to get ousted from their family. And it's emotionally difficult at times to work on getting a cat over their anxiety and getting them to settle in, start to trust me, get used to our family, and then they get adopted and it all starts again. I had one last year who would run to the window every time he heard a car, like he thought his owners had come back for him.

When he sends you a link about a cat attack, reply with "terrible, lucky we have such a soppy old boy". And I hope he's not a dog fan, because cats really can't compete with dogs in the child danger stakes.