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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want to be concierge service for new neighbours

236 replies

Frazzled2207 · 21/04/2022 10:14

We have recently moved. There are five houses in the cul de sac. Three in a row - ours is the last one - then two much posher ones behind a somewhat scary looking gate which has not been there that long (5 years perhaps but houses are very old)

Said gate is electric and there are separate doorbells/intercoms for the two houses on the entrance to the gate.

Very soon after moving in - having had brief but very friendly interactions with the neighbours - it became clear that the intercom/doorbell for the gate was not working properly. There is a barrage of deliveries from DPD, Hermes, Royal Mail etc. Delivery men asked if we would take them, we agreed assuming that the doorbell was not temporarily working properly. Bear in mind that in virtually all cases I believe they were in, but no way to let them know other than shouting or jumping over a high wall (not realistic as there is a spikey hedge on the other side).

Next time I saw them I shouted over the wall and mentioned that I had parcels, they came to collect and I made a joke about the bell not working. I expected a 'yeah sorry we're on with that' but actually got words to the effect of 'no it hasn't worked for years and we don't intend to get it fixed'. I was so gobsmacked I didn't know what to say.

So basically there is no way of accessing their property when gate is shut which it is almost all the time unless you actually call from your mobile to say you're at the gate in which case they will open it for you. I see visitors pulling up and calling and then being let in. Clearly delivery men don't do this. So they mostly knock on ours instead.

Had an interesting discussion with a royal mail man today who was trying to deliver a signed for package. They have apparently arranged redelivery three times and each time despite them blatantly being in he has failed to be able to deliver. After three times it returns to sender so he said he would be doing that. Am just baffled you would order a package online knowing that there would be no way to get it delivered unless your friendly neighbour took it in.

to be clear I have absolutely no issue whatsoever with occasionally taking in parcels. Used to do it quite often in old house but neighbours used to do the same. It was an occasional not regular thing. Here it's a daily occurence and they will never be able to return the favour for us.

I suspect previous neigbours may have just been happy to take them. That's all fine but it doesn't necessarily follow that we will does it. Although there are two houses beyond the gate all the packages have been addressed to one, it would appear that the other doesn't order parcels. That's fine but I still find it odd that it just isn't possible to access either house.

AIBU to not want to take in all the parcels? And if IANBU how do I approach this with them, bearing in mind we really want to foster friendly relations with all neighbours, not least as some work will be done later this year which could be noisy/disruptive. DH suggests the passive aggressive approach of just refusing to take any more. I'd prefer to be a bit nicer about it but not sure how.

OP posts:
billybear · 22/04/2022 21:23

why cant they get a parcel box,we have one next to our front door,note next to door,if we are out parcels put in box no problem we open box on our treturn take out parcel,a safe area never had a problem

Sillyname63 · 22/04/2022 21:35

How would they know if you had refused to take the parcel , they would hardly come and knock your door and say " why didn't you take my parcel " and if they do you can say I'm sorry you need to make proper arrangements and not relay on your neighbours being available.

Notmoresugar · 22/04/2022 21:38

I would stop assisting with this with immediate effect.
No explanation is necessary.
If they query it, just say you were out (and repeat).
They'll soon get the message.

They're CFs and are seriously taking the Michael out of you

Backtomyoldname · 22/04/2022 21:54

We bought a large secure parcel box. It can accept shoebox type parcels.

we bought it…..

A because new front door couldn’t have letter box fitted.

B we didn’t want to be seen as CFs and expect neighbours to receive our parcels. (One in her 90s and the others out at work all day - so not an ideal solution anyway)

C didn’t fancy near daily trips to depots, sorting office etc.

Works well. Suggest they get one. About £100 - if you've a house with an electric gate you can afford one of these!

After a few weeks of not getting stuff they’ll be after a solution.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 22/04/2022 22:03

I would maybe put a note on my door to say 'Sorry, but we cannot accept parcels for anyone else at the moment' and see what happens.

oakleaffy · 22/04/2022 22:10

Just stop taking parcels for them.
It is a complete pain trying to get people to pick them up in my experience.
A colossal parcel that I could barely lift that was left in the hall for days as neighs were away/not answering was the final straw.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2022 22:11

I had an issue with our ex NDN who decided that the squirrel/birds kicking the crap out of their blocked guttering was my kids throwing stuff on to her conservatory roof. When I pointed out that that would be quite an achievement given that they were over 200 miles away at the time and perhaps they should clean their gutters, she started effing and blinding and calling me all sorts.

Next day a parcel turns up, they are out so he knocks on my door. I said "I am not able to take it for them, sorry" and he got stroppy asking why and I just said "Because she is a cow" and he laughed and left. The shit I got for that! Apparantly it was something she needed "urgently" and I said it clearly wasnt so urgent as otherwise she would have waited in for it instead of the relying on the goodwill of someone she had called a fucking bitch the day before.

Yes I was being petty but this was the culmination of 15 years of bullshit from them. They moved soon after and I always take in stuff for my new NDE :)

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2022 22:12

**NDN obv

TurquoiseDragon · 22/04/2022 22:21

Frazzled2207 · 21/04/2022 17:41

thanks everyone lots of good advice here seems to be almost universal yanbu so will stop accepting them.
It is tricky though as we would like to foster good relationships with neighbours. You never know when you might need to ask a favour from a neighbour after all. But with the gate situation it is unlikely we could ever ask a favour from them. Hopefully it will be resolved soon.

It'll be resolved instantly from your POV if you just stop accepting the parcels.

No need to even speak to the neighbours.

RachandO · 22/04/2022 22:30

Tell them to either get it fixed or they can put a note giving their number for people to ring when they're outside. They are CF! I live in a block of flats and when our intercom is faulty I stick my mobile number on a note. Every single delivery company has always kindly rang me. Don't open your door to them anymore!

UselessASD · 22/04/2022 22:31

I’m with everyone else. If anything is unneighbourly or passive aggressive it’s expecting them to take in parcels and then find a way to contact you.

just be polite with the delivery drivers.

Beautiful3 · 22/04/2022 23:46

We had a very similar problem. When our neighbours moved in, we had loads of parcels coming here. It was clear they were in, just ignoring the door. They'd literally leave their parcels here for a week, before picking them up?! As if to store them all here. It was werid. Their other neighbour had this issue, so started refusing their parcels. Hence why they starting coming here. After 6 months, we decided to refuse their parcels. We'd just say, "I can't take it in, they are actually in, try knocking again." By magic, they all stopped coming here!

WisherWood · 23/04/2022 00:00

Are they preppers or just narcissists?

Just upper middle class bellends. They tend to think the lower orders are there purely to be of service.
I generally tell them to fuck off until they get the message.

oviraptor21 · 23/04/2022 00:10

We have some neighbours with electric gates and some without.
We'll take in parcels for the neighbours without because they will return the favour and because their parcels are not arriving every day.
The local delivery agents are now aware that we don't take in any parcels for the gated neighbours.

Dinoteeth · 23/04/2022 00:12

Op I agree that you want to foster good relationships but you also don't want to be a delivery service.

Does your DH have online meetings etc? Or even have the need for quiet time to himself.

I suggest he gets a sign for the door, "Sorry, in meeting, please do not disturb" putting it on the door 50% of the day. So not available all day just some of the day a few delayed parcels is likely to be all it takes to get the message

Flickflak · 23/04/2022 00:39

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Mamanyt · 23/04/2022 00:43

Personally, I find it far more passive/aggressive of them to assume that you will just take care of their packages (after telling you that they have no intention of repairing the bell) than for you to simply not take the packages anymore.

toomuchlaundry · 23/04/2022 00:50

I would put a note by your door saying you can’t take parcels for that particular house number. Then you can still take parcels for other neighbours if necessary and foster good relations with them. Then when other neighbours fix their intercom system you can take the note down

CantHaveTooMuchChocolate · 23/04/2022 01:26

godmum56 · 21/04/2022 10:36

If they aren't doing a favour for you that you really need, I'd speak to the neighbours..possibly the next time they collect and say that you are sorry (not) but you won't be continuing to take in their parcels and in future will be refusing to accept them. Then start refusing. If they want to discuss it repeat what you said "sorry but....." You can just start refusing and say nothing but if you want to at least try to keep a civil relationship, its worth telling them.

I completely disagree, I think doing this (speaking to them) will just come across as antagonistic and confrontational. Much better to just stop taking in their parcels and let them deal with it.

MrOllivander · 23/04/2022 01:47

Mamanyt · 23/04/2022 00:43

Personally, I find it far more passive/aggressive of them to assume that you will just take care of their packages (after telling you that they have no intention of repairing the bell) than for you to simply not take the packages anymore.

Definitely. My neighbours (15 years we have been neighbours!) will always send a text as a courtesy to say would I mind keeping a parcel or rescuing it from the not at all safe spot it's been left etc

Vikinga · 23/04/2022 01:53

It is unreasonable to order stuff knowing you're not going to be able to receive them. If I know I'm not going to be in, I arrange to pick up locally.

I used to get quite a lot of parcels for my NDN because as a teacher she was out for the day. I didn't mind too much but sometimes it was a pain when I was working to break my concentration. She's now moved and I can't remember the last time I had a parcel for anyone.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/04/2022 02:51

DH suggests the passive aggressive approach of just refusing to take any more.
It's not pass-agg to state a boundary.
Pass-agg would be continuing to accept the parcels, feeling put-upon, & moaning about it while refusing to deal straightforwardly with the fact that it's pissing you off.

I'd prefer to be a bit nicer about it but not sure how.
Easy.
You match the level of "niceness* that your neighbours showed you when they shrugged off the bell issue.
You match their level of blithe unconcern about when or even if their parcels get delivered.
In short - you do fuck all about it, because it is not your house, they are not your parcels, & it is not your concern.

The neighbours aren't bothered - why are you?
A breezy "oh, we're not taking parcels in the Gate House now" next time postie brings one will suffice.
Any pushback on that "I don't know - you'll need to take it up with them, have a good day, bye!"

Stop overthinking, & follow DH's lead on this one.
You'll be much less stressed this way. No need to engage with Gate House neighbours about it whatsoever.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/04/2022 02:58

godmum56 · 21/04/2022 10:36

If they aren't doing a favour for you that you really need, I'd speak to the neighbours..possibly the next time they collect and say that you are sorry (not) but you won't be continuing to take in their parcels and in future will be refusing to accept them. Then start refusing. If they want to discuss it repeat what you said "sorry but....." You can just start refusing and say nothing but if you want to at least try to keep a civil relationship, its worth telling them.

Gordon Bennett what a convoluted & unnecessary hassle, complete with needless exposure to additional cheeky fuckery. OP has felt more than enough angst about this non-issue already, why advise her to wade back into what she's clearly viewing as a [otentially confrontational situation? (spoiler - it isn't, but social anxiety will do that to a body)

What on earth makes you believe OP needs her dismissive neighbour's permission to simply not accept their parcels, @godmum56 ?

Penguinevere · 23/04/2022 07:28

I think it’s ok to talk to them op. Be direct. Talking face to face is better than writing a letter or trying to avoid having the parcels left with you which will just leave everyone pissed off.

“hi, you need to get your gate fixed, I get deliveries all the time for you and I don’t want to keep picking them up.” If they don’t respond positively then “ok, I’m going to start refusing to take them, there are too many.”

it isn’t your problem that the old neighbours were happy to take the deliveries, or that the gate is broken.

the way I see it they’ll respect you for being straight with them, or have a tantrum because they aren’t getting their own way.

it’s not neighbourly to expect you to be the concierge so you’re not insulting them by asking them to sort it out.

BruceAndNosh · 23/04/2022 07:38

I wouldn't say anything to the Gates people but id give a heads up to your other 2 neighbours outside the gate in case your refusal starts a game of Pass the Parcel. If you all decide to refuse parcels at the same time, that would be a good idea

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