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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want to be concierge service for new neighbours

236 replies

Frazzled2207 · 21/04/2022 10:14

We have recently moved. There are five houses in the cul de sac. Three in a row - ours is the last one - then two much posher ones behind a somewhat scary looking gate which has not been there that long (5 years perhaps but houses are very old)

Said gate is electric and there are separate doorbells/intercoms for the two houses on the entrance to the gate.

Very soon after moving in - having had brief but very friendly interactions with the neighbours - it became clear that the intercom/doorbell for the gate was not working properly. There is a barrage of deliveries from DPD, Hermes, Royal Mail etc. Delivery men asked if we would take them, we agreed assuming that the doorbell was not temporarily working properly. Bear in mind that in virtually all cases I believe they were in, but no way to let them know other than shouting or jumping over a high wall (not realistic as there is a spikey hedge on the other side).

Next time I saw them I shouted over the wall and mentioned that I had parcels, they came to collect and I made a joke about the bell not working. I expected a 'yeah sorry we're on with that' but actually got words to the effect of 'no it hasn't worked for years and we don't intend to get it fixed'. I was so gobsmacked I didn't know what to say.

So basically there is no way of accessing their property when gate is shut which it is almost all the time unless you actually call from your mobile to say you're at the gate in which case they will open it for you. I see visitors pulling up and calling and then being let in. Clearly delivery men don't do this. So they mostly knock on ours instead.

Had an interesting discussion with a royal mail man today who was trying to deliver a signed for package. They have apparently arranged redelivery three times and each time despite them blatantly being in he has failed to be able to deliver. After three times it returns to sender so he said he would be doing that. Am just baffled you would order a package online knowing that there would be no way to get it delivered unless your friendly neighbour took it in.

to be clear I have absolutely no issue whatsoever with occasionally taking in parcels. Used to do it quite often in old house but neighbours used to do the same. It was an occasional not regular thing. Here it's a daily occurence and they will never be able to return the favour for us.

I suspect previous neigbours may have just been happy to take them. That's all fine but it doesn't necessarily follow that we will does it. Although there are two houses beyond the gate all the packages have been addressed to one, it would appear that the other doesn't order parcels. That's fine but I still find it odd that it just isn't possible to access either house.

AIBU to not want to take in all the parcels? And if IANBU how do I approach this with them, bearing in mind we really want to foster friendly relations with all neighbours, not least as some work will be done later this year which could be noisy/disruptive. DH suggests the passive aggressive approach of just refusing to take any more. I'd prefer to be a bit nicer about it but not sure how.

OP posts:
avamiah · 21/04/2022 11:38

ChimChimeny · 21/04/2022 11:25

Why would you do that 😱none of this is OP's problem, so no need to get involved at all!

As PP has said, this is pure laziness on their behalf and until they are inconvenienced they won't do anything about it. Once they start missing deliveries or traipsing elsewhere to collect them they might do something about it

Yes totally agree with you.

Lets be honest we can track everything now so when they don’t get their parcels and know they have been delivered to OP I’m sure they will be knocking on her door to collect them.
End of Discussion.🙄

FairyCakeWings · 21/04/2022 11:40

Your DH is right, you just need to stop accepting parcels for them.

Its nice that you want to be nicer about it, but unfortunately you can only do that successfully if they are on board too and it seems like they’re not.

hoorayandupsherises · 21/04/2022 11:42

Also, the obligation to "be nice about it" to people who are doing a not nice thing to you (wasting your time, cluttering up your house, disturbing your time at home) is something I feel I was conditioned (as a woman) to do (telling that your DH has the other perspective to you).

At least the menopause has meant I don't give a rat's whatsit about this now - I've finally found the silver lining!

Bournetilly · 21/04/2022 11:45

Refuse the packages, it will be the same few delivery companies and often the same drivers, once they know you won’t accept them they will stop trying to deliver them to you. You don’t need to give the neighbours an explanation just say you didn’t hear the door/ you were out/ you were working.
Also like you said above if your not expecting anything don’t answer the door.

Frazzled2207 · 21/04/2022 11:45

thanks for the reassurance that IANBU to not want to take them in.

I do feel for the delivery drivers who in most cases want to get rid of the parcels one way or another and if we don't take them their time is entirely wasted. I think I will just explain to them really nicely as and when they come.

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 21/04/2022 11:53

they don’t know you, what your daily life consists of and what other responsibilities you have. Just refuse …no need to give an excuse. Put a polite sign on door for the delivery people and they can hold for collection. If they insist on living in Fort Knox they will have to find another way to restock.

Danikm151 · 21/04/2022 11:55

Get a big box and write "parcels here" on it and stick it in front of their gate. Stops you being bothered... then invoice them for the cost of the box :)

MuddlingMackem · 21/04/2022 11:57

YANBU.

Just because the retailer allows a parcel to be left with a neighbour, and the recipient is happy for it to be left with a neighbour, does not mean that their neighbours are obliged to take it in. And people who shop online need to understand that.

You don't even need a reason other than you don't want to.

However, those who do take them in need to understand that the recipient isn't always told where their parcel has been left, so you may need to pop a note through their door to let them know you have their parcel, which of course this OP can't do, so a good enough reason in itself not to take in their parcels.

Auntieobem · 21/04/2022 11:59

I voted yabu - because you should just refuse to take them in. No discussion necessary.

comealongponds · 21/04/2022 12:04

They might bother to get the buzzer fixed when it starts inconveniencing them instead of you. Or else they just won’t get their parcels. Not your problem.

TheSandgroper · 21/04/2022 12:05

You could say to the delivery driver that you have spoken to the neighbour (true) and that parcels ought to be left at the gate.

Hankunamatata · 21/04/2022 12:05

I'd put up a big sign saying your not taking parcels for house x

Londongent · 21/04/2022 12:07

I would definitely refuse the parcels and let the delivery drivers know that you won't take any parcels in for that house.
However before you do that I would take a couple of parcels in for them...maybe before you go on a two week holiday, or I would disconnect the doorbell, or just be 'out'. I wouldn't be traipsing the parcels round to them

BuanoKubiamVej · 21/04/2022 12:09

Frazzled2207 · 21/04/2022 10:31

wow! After you stopped accepting parcels did they stop coming?

They did stop yes after only a couple of weeks. I have no way of knowing whether they started doing the same to some other neighbour instead.

FOJN · 21/04/2022 12:14

I agree with PP, put a notice up telling delivery drivers you will not accept parcels for X address. No need to explain anything to anyone. They are being CF's. I'm always happy to take parcels in for neighbours and very grateful if they do it for me but I've started refusing for my NDN because they never come and collect and I always have to take them round.

TigerLilyTail · 21/04/2022 12:14

I do feel for the delivery drivers who in most cases want to get rid of the parcels one way or another and if we don't take them their time is entirely wasted. I think I will just explain to them really nicely as and when they come.

You really don't need to do this. I agree with your husband, just say no to them. Don't waste their time by explaining. They don't care. I'd put a sign up saying only deliveries to this address are accepted.

Flatandhappy · 21/04/2022 12:14

I would do a sign but a positive rather than a negative, ie. please only knock with deliveries for no. X (your house).

TrashyPanda · 21/04/2022 12:15

Just stop taking them in.
definitely don’t say anything to neighbour. Why would you?

TigerLilyTail · 21/04/2022 12:22

Also, if the neighbours give you shit, just say that your husband is on VERY important work calls all day and mustn't be disturbed.

ImAvingOops · 21/04/2022 12:30

This would definitely annoy me. You could be in the bath or on an important phone call - why should your day be interrupted so that their day isn't?

YetAnotherRainyDay · 21/04/2022 12:46

BuanoKubiamVej · 21/04/2022 10:30

I agree just stop accepting any parcels for them. We found out by accident that a neighbour 5 doors away who is always out 6am-10pm had our house actually named as their "safe place in case we are out" registered with all their delivery companies and were getting daily parcels delivered and expecting to be able to ring on our bell late at night or early morning whenever convenient to them. We stopped accepting any parcels at all from that moment. CFs.

You are quite right, you are not a concierge service.

Funnily enough, the same thing happened to us. We were already starting to get a little irritated by how often it was happening when a courier casually mentioned that they'd put our house down to accept their packages.

We started refusing after that and it quickly stopped happening. We didn't even know the people, they were about 10 doors away and took forever to collect their items.

Collaborate · 21/04/2022 13:33

We had a delivery (not heavy, but a reasonably sized box) at the start of Easter holidays for a neighbour. Delivery guy said they get an email saying where the delivery is. The neighbours seemed to be away at Easter, but got back at least 2 days ago, and I suspect someone was staying there (car parked overnights and sometimes not there during the day) in any event. They still haven't been to collect it. I'm torn between whether I mention something to them or not. Last thing I'd do is take it round.

Chooksnroses · 21/04/2022 13:34

I happily take in parcels for all our neighbours, and I know they will do the same for me. However, I've had delivery men say "Could you take this parcel for Mrs 5 doors up? Her next door neighbours always refuse". Regular deliverers soon get to know and won't bother you. Just say you're sorry but you have no way of contacting the neighbours to let them know you have their parcels.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/04/2022 13:35

Get the impression that both families (who I think are close) like being shut off from the rest of the world.

Entirely their choice - but the rest of the world delivers parcels, so they'll obviously need to fetch all of their shopping themselves, then.

What would they do if they needed a fire engine or ambulance?

What reason have they given for not repairing the intercom? Do they not understand that, if you order a parcel to be delivered to your door, somebody will need to come and deliver it to your door? As for the suggestion to put a phone number on the gate (which could be a security risk), it's very arrogant to expect people to phone you with a parcel. They are serving you, but they are not your servant. Maybe if they'd ordered five pallets of bricks, the lorry driver for the building company would be happy to take the time to arrange the end of the major delivery that way, but not when it's an Amazon driver taking one of their 300 small packages for that day - they don't even have time to knock and wait, even when you are coming if it takes you more than a few seconds.

I think you need to respect the fact that they've made it clear they do not wish to be disturbed by delivery people. Any bizarre hobby that they have on the side of pranking/timewasting companies by placing hoax orders is entirely separate from that fact and entirely none of your concern.

I don't know how it works with parcel deliverers, but Royal Mail will strike a house off their delivery round if they are unable to safely/efficiently deliver there, often because of aggressive dogs, and they then have to collect their post from the sorting office instead, otherwise it gets returned to the sender.

Maybe Lord & Lady of the Manor might change their tune if they have to start doing the menial work themselves, once they've deliberately made it impossible for the 'staff' to do it on their behalf.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/04/2022 13:39

Are they preppers or just narcissists? Do they deem it necessary for them to be accorded the due essential protection that they rightly deserve, but you are just disposable collateral?

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