To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

[Haaaaliday]

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

• I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.

• I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

I get the lifetime dream,

I'll edit the response to once in a lifetime. There are once jn a lifetime trips I'd rather do with my partner and once in a lifetime trips I'd rather do with my family and some that I'd rather do with my friend and some I'd like to do alone 😀 just saying that to me it's not a relationship ending dealbreker. But obviously it's fine if it is to some.

So where does a once in a lifetime Disney Cruise with DC fit? With partner, with friend, or alone? I know where it fits to me, and if I wasn't included I probably wouldn't see it as a relationship ending dealbreaker, but DP would know I wasn't at all happy.

Personal hell and being grateful that my partner takes the kids and I don't have to go? 😁

I actively don't want my partner on my once in a lifetime dream holiday. Paying a lot of money for him to join me on a glacier hike that he wouldn't enjoy? No thanks, Lake District hike was an experience enough for him. If he wants me to join him in would cup final in Qatar, fine but I'd rather have him go with his friend who would share his once in a lifetime excitement of seeing England win the World Cup

Which works for you, but in this case the OP's DH does want to go, but feels he can't unless his DS is able to come as well. So it's not really the same situation.

I was merely commenting on the comment that was saying that husband going on once in a lifetime holiday without their wife it would potentially be marriage ending. It wasn't to OP and her situation specifically.

I think I've taken enough space in Op's thread. Hope you get everything sorted where its a friend trip or a family trip!

Which works for you, but in this case the OP's DH does want to go, but feels he can't unless his DS is able to come as well. So it's not really the same situation.

It's his choice to feel that way, though. He doesn't have to.

Which works for you, but in this case the OP's DH does want to go, but feels he can't unless his DS is able to come as well. that's his feelings. OP is not responsible for this. Maybe he can seek therapy if these feelings are causing issues in his relationship so he can better handle them.

Doesn't that depend on whether his feelings are normal or not? I am not in his position but I can understand why he is feeling that way. Don't couples in a relationship consider the other person's feelings anyway regardless of whether they are normal or not?

Then couples counselling might be a better option.

Possibly, to help the OP with why she values her friendship with her friend over her DH's relationship with all of his children.

Maybe she just wants to celebrate her birthday with a long time friend how she wants to celebrate!

Doesn’t diminish her relationship with her husband. He was invited. His DS wasn’t - it was rude to ask OP to then include the DS and change the dates to suit him.

can you imagine if this was some one else?

hi, we’re going on a cruise for a week, fancy coming? ‘Well only if I can invite someone else, not we need to change the dates to suit them and pay the extra’

it would be an instant NO! And a quick label of CF!

This thread is nuts! Some of the comments on here must be people projecting their own step family experience.
Nothing wrong with having a holiday with a friend during term time and not taking step children or partner 🙄why should her friend suffer having to pay over the odds for a school holiday break. Get it booked! You can always have a family holiday in the summer holidays.

Possibly, to help the OP with why she values her friendship with her friend over her DH's relationship with all of his children.

Because they are not all OP’s children and it is her DH’s responsibility to facilitate his relationship with his own children. No one would expect DSS’s mother to take OP’s child on her holidays so why is OP expected to take her DSS on her birthday trip. Her DH has the money to supposedly make up the difference knowing it will not only be more crowded but more expensive.

Why can’t her DH use the money to do a Disney trip with his son alone which I bet his son would enjoy way more than sharing with his stepmother and half-sibling. It’s not like he’s contributing to the trip OP and her friend is going on.

@newname12345

Possibly, to help the OP with why she values her friendship with her friend over her DH's relationship with all of his children.

Why should she be expected to personally value his relationships more than her own?

Nothing wrong with having a holiday with a friend during term time and not taking step children or partner 🙄why should her friend suffer having to pay over the odds for a school holiday break. Get it booked! You can always have a family holiday in the summer holidays

Except that the OP has indicated that they wouldn't (couldn't?) do this type of holiday as a whole family. If I was her DH, I wouldn't be happy. I can't imagine my children going off on a Disney cruise, and me not being able to watch them enjoy it, with no chance of going myself, as we (as a couple) could no longer afford to do similar. It doesn't seem right to me, especially when it could be fixed with a compromise of going at a slightly different time. Yes, it would be more expensive, but does at least take all the children, and her DH, into account.

There's nothing wrong with the OP taking a trip with her friend and kids, but it shouldn't be at the expense of the main family holiday.

I mean, I think when you create a family, you accept that there are some things that you want that you may not be able to do. When you chose to marry your husband, you chose to take on a child too. Then when you had your own children, you decided that you were happy with a big age gap between your older DSS and your younger children. plenty of parents make big age gaps work on holidays so I don’t really see that’s a problem. Similarly, if you really think that your adult friend is going to struggle to interact with your SS on holiday because she hasn’t met him before, than how about having a get together before hand, so they can get to know each other.

In my opinion, you either take all children, or no children. After all, this is your SS and your own child/ren’s blood sibling. you chose to marry into a family with an existing child. You can’t just decide to exclude him now.

I can see a time in future where, if your child/ren are close to their half brother, they will judge you for things like this. Conversely, If they aren’t close to him, they may blame you.

When you decided to marry your DH, did it not cross your mind that this might be the end of family holidays outside of school holidays, given the age of your SS?

and yes, if you are taking your children, it is DEFINITElY a family holiday.

Why would it? Will DSS’s mother have to consider OP’s child when he enters school for holidays? Or taking him on holidays with his older brother? Highly doubtful.

Also, none of us have any clue on when OP and her DH got together or if they had any struggles conceiving hence the age gap.

Why is it all on OP to consider both children when DSS’s mother wouldn’t be expected to?

Why can’t her DH take his oldest son on his own? If he can seemingly pay the difference knowing the time he wants to go is expensive then he could use that money to take his oldest himself instead. Considering his son is only around twice a week, his brother isn’t in school so is likely there too and during part of the holidays, would you think his son wouldn’t appreciate having some alone time with his father without his brother and OP there?

Also, it is only OP and her best friend going with their children, her DH isn’t going and neither is her best friend’s DH. OP’s DH isn’t paying for OP’s trip either. It isn’t a family holiday but her DH is trying to make it one out of his own guilt which is his own to sort not OP’s.

OP may have chose to marry someone with a child, but he chose to marry and have a child with OP. He is responsible for his own relationships with his sons not OP or his ex wife so he should be sorting out and making his own holiday plans with his sons.

To each his/her own and all that, but I am eternally grateful for the fact that my father and step-mother always included my (full) brother and me in all of the holidays they planned with the children my father had with my step-mother. Fifty-plus years on, the legacy they left is that we are all very close (don't even think of full and half siblings), and even holiday together as adults.

Why is it all on OP to consider both children when DSS’s mother wouldn’t be expected to?

Because she's married to her DH, who has a child. DSS's mother is no longer married to her ex DH, and (unless they have a particularly unusual and easy going relationship) they are unlikely to go on holiday together, so there are no circumstances in which DSS's mother can take all the children into account. You're not really comparing the same thing at all.

Why can’t her DH take his oldest son on his own?

Perhaps he'd like to go on the holiday-of-a-lifetime cruise with all his children? Not just one. Perhaps he'd like to do this as a family, but he's been put in a difficult situation. Doesn't sound particularly unreasonable to me.

OP may have chose to marry someone with a child, but he chose to marry and have a child with OP. He is responsible for his own relationships with his sons not OP or his ex wife so he should be sorting out and making his own holiday plans with his sons

When they married, they became a family - I understand that he is responsible for his relationship with his son, but surely in this instance he is trying to do the right thing by his son by making sure he doesn't miss out on a trip they could all do together. I find it all a bit sad that the OP would rather take a once in a lifetime trip of this sort with her friend rather than her husband and his child. It's a real shame.

did it not cross your mind that this might be the end of family holidays outside of school holidays, given the age of your SS?

but DH and DH ExW probably had cheaper holidays pre schooling for their child - OP is allowed to do the same

but DH and DH ExW probably had cheaper holidays pre schooling for their child - OP is allowed to do the same

But the OP has a child plus a DSS, so the situation is not the same. Just because her DH and his ex were able to benefit from cheaper holidays, doesn't give the OP an automatic right to the same thing. That's not how life works.

Why is it all on OP to consider both children when DSS’s mother wouldn’t be expected to?

If DSS's mother married a man who had kids of his own, I would expect her to consider those kids as part of her new family.

When you partner up with someone who has children, their children come as part of the package - they're your family too. Your ex's new partner's children don't.

would you think his son wouldn’t appreciate having some alone time with his father without his brother and OP there?

Impressive speculation for this reach. "Actually, 10-year-old kids really appreciate being excluded from once-in-a-lifetime Disney holidays that their sibling is being taken on"

Weirdly glad that the OP hasn't even tried to claim she cares about her stepson's feelings though.

Actually op is an adult and thus has every right to holiday with whom and when she wants. That is in fact exactly how life works.

Whether or not this would, should or could cause more broader issues is wholly dependent on the broader family mechanics.

OP going away without DSS or DH is absolutely fine. Why wouldn’t it be?

OP is not the DSS’s mother, he has a mother and a father. Just as DSS gets quality time alone with his own mother, OP’s and her child should also be afforded the same grace with zero judgement.

Unless you’re also stating the OP’s child is also to be accommodated on trips by DSS’s DM seeing as they are related to each of the children in exactly the same way eg by virtue of both their children being half siblings, then it doesn’t stack up.

It doesn’t logically just work one way with the “left out” argument, unless when DH isn’t even in attendance or invited.

Actually op is an adult and thus has every right to holiday with whom and when she wants. That is in fact exactly how life works

Ok, I'll concede that perhaps that's true, but it does come with consequences. Only the OP and her DH can decide what those consequences are.

OP going away without DSS or DH is absolutely fine. Why wouldn’t it be?

It can be fine in certain circumstances, but it doesn't seem to be fine in this circumstance, as it appears to be at the expense of a similar family holiday. OP may decide this is ok for her, but I know I couldn't do this to my DH. Mostly because I don't think what he's asking is unreasonable. And because I will usually take his feelings and opinions in to account, as he does mine.

Just as DSS gets quality time alone with his own mother, OP’s and her child should also be afforded the same grace with zero judgement

We've no idea if DSS get alone time with his mother. He may well live with his mother's new partner and children, who knows?