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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

412 replies

Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:06

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

  • I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.
  • I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 10:44

BemoreDerek · 20/04/2022 10:41

I genuinely don't understand this idea that nothing fun can happen without DSC, what do the posters advocating that expect to happen, that OP's household just put their lives on hold until DSC are there? You can't, especially when there are other DC's in the household, and that means sometimes stuff happens without DSC. The fact that DSC get to do stuff with their DM/other family never seems to get taken into consideration or seen as unfair on other DC, why is that?

No no I'm allowed to go to a museum with my son apparently. Because DSS would find that boring so that's okay!

OP posts:
Rewis · 20/04/2022 10:44

@Haaaaliday I have the same experience experience blended families as you in real life. I've noticed that online people seems to have very different view on blended families than what I whitness around me.

Hohoholymoley · 20/04/2022 10:45

It's a Disney holiday, that makes it different. I just can't imagine excluding a step child. Suppose we are all different though.

Momicrone · 20/04/2022 11:07

It does seem a bit mean

crabbitmaw · 20/04/2022 11:19

Majority: YABU
Op: No, I'm not.

Why bother 🙄

catscatscatseverywhere · 20/04/2022 11:22

crabbitmaw · 20/04/2022 11:19

Majority: YABU
Op: No, I'm not.

Why bother 🙄

This. Why asking the question if you know what you want to do?

aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2022 11:26

The world would be a crazy (and extremely oversensitive) place if we all actually paid attention to what people say on AIBU.

Moochio · 20/04/2022 11:35

Hohoholymoley · 20/04/2022 09:51

But there's no use pretending it's exactly the same as a nuclear family set of siblings.

I see you've made it ok in your head but that sentence, fuck me.

There isn't though. Everyone needs to be comfortable being who they are to each other. Anything else is fake and causes tension.

CorsicaDreaming · 20/04/2022 11:40

@crabbitmaw

Majority: YABU Op: No, I'm not.

Why bother 🙄

...

That is not actually true. Both @aSofaNearYou and I think it's fine for OP to go with only her best friend and their own DCs...

much less fine to take the DSS out of what sounds like it may end up being the first year of his secondary school during term time.
And if I was the DSS natural Mum and the OP dangled that in front of my DS nose and tried to put pressure on me to get him to take time off school I'd be far crossed about that.

And crazy for OP to pay double for crowded, too hot school hols if your child is pre school.

It would be v different if the DSS lived permanently at the OPs house and was just being excluded from a family holiday.
That would be totally wrong.
But that's not the scenario.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/04/2022 11:41

all these (step) mummy martyrs on here!

her stepsons mum isn’t gonna pay for OPs child to go abroad with her for her birthday is she? Why should Op?

honestly Op do what you want to do and enjoy it! All theee people on here taking the moral ground even suggesting that birthdays are for children and not adults I mean WTF?! You don’t stop becoming a person with needs, wants, and desires who wants to have fun when you become an adult you know!

CorsicaDreaming · 20/04/2022 11:47

@Haaaaliday

No no I'm allowed to go to a museum with my son apparently. Because DSS would find that boring so that's okay!
...

I challenge the DSS to find the Natural History Museum or the Science Museum boring!

This reminds me of my MiL who always seems scandalised when we take our DS9 to a National Trust property.
She thinks it must be so boring for him…
He loves it.

We spent an entire day doing an Easter egg hunt at one down in Devon, and he absolutely refused to stop until he had every single clue!

they now always put so much effort in for kids, and I think they make a great family day out (spoken like a true, middle class, Mumsnetter!!)

yellowsuninthesky · 20/04/2022 11:51

I can’t get over that you would prioritise your friend and her children over your husband and his child. If my husband did that to me, I would consider my marriage over

For a one-off trip? Are people not allowed to do things with friends? I don't have any friends I am close enough to, to go on holiday with them, but if I did, I'd be annoyed if DH got the hump every time I wanted to do things with them and not him. I know lots of people who go away with friends.

MzHz · 20/04/2022 11:58

Clymene · 19/04/2022 19:49

@TheOriginalEmu

From your husbands POV (and his child’s) you are going on a family holiday without one of his children. I still remember my dad and stepmum going on holiday with their joint child and my step siblings but not me and how hurt I was. Even as an adult knowing that my stepmums mum paid for it I still feel left out and resentful. So I think YABU.
No, she's taking her kid away with her mate and her kid.

That's not a family holiday.

Exactly, he’s Trying to make it a family holiday, when it isn’t.

of course he can take his 10yo out/away wherever and whenever he likes. The little one doesn’t always need to go if the activity isn’t suitable

dc from previous relationships do need 1-2-1 time with their parents too.

stick to your guns @Haaaaliday

you have as much right to take your child away alone with or without their father as anyone. I loathe this ridiculous preoccupation of having to put kids first all the time, no. They’re considered in decisions but the world doesn’t revolve around them all the time.

toomuchlaundry · 20/04/2022 11:59

@yellowsuninthesky for a once in a lifetime trip I would prioritise DH and DC over friends, especially if it was a trip everyone would enjoy and have something to do on.

Moochio · 20/04/2022 12:03

It's really rude to invite yourself on someone's holiday

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/04/2022 12:07

It’s so rude to invite yourself on someone else’s holiday isn’t it!

and I can’t believe those people saying that if their partner went on hol with mates they would end the relationship. WTF! They must be joking

CorsicaDreaming · 20/04/2022 12:08

I've got a Big Birthday coming up next year and I'm very much looking forward to organising at least one trip with friends without DH or DS... or in fact anyone who is not an adult and prepared to drink gin or bubbly with me - probably more than one!

Do what works for you OP, but try not to let DSS know he's missing out.

phoenixrosehere · 20/04/2022 12:17

*Majority: YABU
Op: No, I'm not.

Why bother 🙄*

um, are you reading the same vote tally as the rest of us or just don’t agree with the 69% of the majority that thinks OP is NBU.

LetitiaLeghorn · 20/04/2022 12:30

I think its a red herring about your stepson being in school because you've already said that even if he could be taken out of school, you still wouldn't want him to come. So you basically just don't want your stepson to go. Period. It does seem mean leaving him out of your "once in a lifetime experience".

However, I can see why your husband would be happy not going. Disney and loads of kids aren't appealing to me either. And I understand why you don't want to go during the holidays when there'd be even more kids. Nightmare.
I'm sure you haven't told your stepson how special and great this trip you're not taking him on is going to be. So is there somewhere that your stepson would really like to go? Can you not bill that as the once in a lifetime experience birthday special treat? Build that up as the place you really want to go and how special it's going to be and how's it tailored all about him. Then just slip off with your friend and then don't talk about it in front of him when you get back.

MiddleParking · 20/04/2022 12:48

Can you not bill that as the once in a lifetime experience birthday special treat? Build that up as the place you really want to go and how special it's going to be and how's it tailored all about him.

It’s OP’s birthday, not DSS’s.

Dixiechickonhols · 20/04/2022 13:19

Assuming Op’s child is 3 or 4 not a baby he will talk and it will be clear it was Disney not just a beach holiday you can’t tell a 3 year old to lie about meeting characters or what he did in the kids club.

newname12345 · 20/04/2022 13:34

phoenixrosehere · 20/04/2022 12:17

*Majority: YABU
Op: No, I'm not.

Why bother 🙄*

um, are you reading the same vote tally as the rest of us or just don’t agree with the 69% of the majority that thinks OP is NBU.

I do wonder how many of those who voted understand the full facts.

I totally agree that is not unreasonable to want a big birthday holiday to not be a family holiday.

I do though think it is totally unreasonable to make it difficult for a father to attend a once in a lifetime family holiday with his children (which this is, regardless of what the OP says.)

Hesma · 20/04/2022 13:35

What you’re actually saying is that you’re happy for it to be a holiday as long as it doesn’t include DSC. Poor kid

toomuchlaundry · 20/04/2022 13:40

@CorsicaDreaming I am wondering how much celebrating will be going on with preschoolers in tow and no other family adult to look after them whilst the two birthday girls go celebrating. Ironically, probably easier to go on holiday with the stepson, who would be able to entertain himself

thatweirdhippygirl · 20/04/2022 13:54

Is OP meant to just ditch her friend and their plans they’ve had for months? That would be mean.

I go on holiday without DH all the time. Big once in a lifetime holidays too. He stays home with the kids. Highly recommend. You don’t need to be joined at the hip when you marry someone.

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