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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

412 replies

Haaaaliday · 19/04/2022 19:06

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

  • I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.
  • I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2022 09:25

Just book your holiday OP.

I'm sure you can see by now why posting about this on this part of the site was nothing but a headache and a waste of time.

People are just out of touch with the reality of being a step parent on here, or else being deliberately obtuse.

Comments like "surely you want to experience it with both of your children" and "you clearly don't see him as part of your family" etc.

The truth is, no you don't, not in the way they expect you to at least. I see my DSS as "part of my family" but not in any way similarly to how a mother would. During contact time we do things together but outside of that I continue to have a life that is very little to do with him, which includes things like relationships with friends and family that have never met him and probably never will, and doing child centric things with my child without any thought of needing him to he there too.

This seems to shock many on here, but it is really, really normal. You will never get sensible feedback from people who do not understand that step parents can consider their step children part of their family without that going as far as it would for a parent.

CorsicaDreaming · 20/04/2022 09:27

@toomuchlaundry

@CorsicaDreaming I don’t think they are actually going to Disney, they are going on a Disney cruise
I was just using it as a short hand (my post was long enough already 😉)

Not sure it's relevant though. The crux of the matter is whether what the OP wants for her Big Birthday (that she is using the Birthday money from her own parents to fund) should count above the wishes of her 9 year old DSS (who presumably does not live with her full time, and would have to be taken out of school to attend).

And being able to go at a time that's cheaper and less busy, so much better for her and her DC and best friend...

Pbbananabagel · 20/04/2022 09:28

Your husband just needs to take DSS for a one on one trip to Disneyland Paris and preferably BEFORE you go away.
problem solved 🙃

phoenixrosehere · 20/04/2022 09:28

OP, you and your friend go on your mutual birthday trip and have fun.

if your DH chooses to tell your DSS of your plans then that’s on hik and he is choosing to make an issue. As said before, his mother would not be expected to take your DC if the shoe was on the other foot and your DH could take his older son alone. Siblings do not need/have to share every experience. Your DSS could easily be resentful for always having to share his father with you and his half-sibling and even siblings with the same parents don’t want to always share their parents. One on one time is just as important as family time.

YouBelongHere · 20/04/2022 09:28

BareGrylls · 19/04/2022 21:35

I find it odd when adults make a fuss about birthdays.

Birthdays are for children.

If you don't want to celebrate your birthday as an adult then fine but they're not just for children - everyone has a birthday! 😂

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 09:41

aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2022 09:25

Just book your holiday OP.

I'm sure you can see by now why posting about this on this part of the site was nothing but a headache and a waste of time.

People are just out of touch with the reality of being a step parent on here, or else being deliberately obtuse.

Comments like "surely you want to experience it with both of your children" and "you clearly don't see him as part of your family" etc.

The truth is, no you don't, not in the way they expect you to at least. I see my DSS as "part of my family" but not in any way similarly to how a mother would. During contact time we do things together but outside of that I continue to have a life that is very little to do with him, which includes things like relationships with friends and family that have never met him and probably never will, and doing child centric things with my child without any thought of needing him to he there too.

This seems to shock many on here, but it is really, really normal. You will never get sensible feedback from people who do not understand that step parents can consider their step children part of their family without that going as far as it would for a parent.

This is the same for me definitely. He's part of my family but not the same as my own child and I'm not sure why that's such a big deal personally. No I don't see it the same as if I had my own 9 / 10 year old and what I'd do in that situation. No one I know with a step child sees that child as their own child and acts completely in the same way with them. There is only one person I know who does that and they have brought the child up since a baby because their other parent isn't around.

We do loads together as a family, there are tonnes of things I do differently that I wouldn't do if it were just me DH and DS but yes sometimes I want to enjoy things with my son alone. At the end of the day, I do only have one child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 09:45

that said, your stepson isn’t just your stepson. He’s also your child’s sibling.

I understand this. And there's loads they do together.

But there's no use pretending it's exactly the same as a nuclear family set of siblings.

My step son does plenty of fun things with his mum that my son isn't part of. That is part and parcel of having different parents and something they will both need to learn to accept. I won't expect my son to get upset and hate his brother forever every time my step son goes away without him with his Mum and likewise there will be times my son does things with me without DSS.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 20/04/2022 09:49

How often does your DSS stay with you?

Hohoholymoley · 20/04/2022 09:51

But there's no use pretending it's exactly the same as a nuclear family set of siblings.

I see you've made it ok in your head but that sentence, fuck me.

aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2022 09:59

I see you've made it ok in your head but that sentence, fuck me.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that sentence. You cannot bully people into pretending that something that isn't the case, is. They are a blended family, not a nuclear one. Both children will grow up fully aware they have different mothers. There's nothing wrong with that, it's the truth.

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 10:00

Hohoholymoley · 20/04/2022 09:51

But there's no use pretending it's exactly the same as a nuclear family set of siblings.

I see you've made it ok in your head but that sentence, fuck me.

It isn't though is it? Obviously they can feel about each other the same way but in terms of circumstances, it's not always going to be the same. They will always get to do different things or have different experiences because they have different mum's or different dad's. What's 'fuck me' about that? It's true, why deny it?

My step son gets to do things my son doesn't because he has a different mum. Same with my son. I.e. not the same as a nuclear family. Calm down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 10:03

toomuchlaundry · 20/04/2022 09:49

How often does your DSS stay with you?

Two nights a week and half the holidays.

OP posts:
Hohoholymoley · 20/04/2022 10:04

Our families obviously treat step children very differently.

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 10:09

Hohoholymoley · 20/04/2022 10:04

Our families obviously treat step children very differently.

So it's not true then? Your step child never gets to do things your child doesn't because they have another parent that isn't your child's parent? And vice versa? You never do anything with your child without your step child when they are with their mum?

Is that not just the norm with blended families? The children don't all share the same parents therefore they won't always get to do the same things.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2022 10:09

@Hohoholymoley

Our families obviously treat step children very differently.
Yes, in two equally normal and valid ways 🙄
toomuchlaundry · 20/04/2022 10:14

I think the difference here @Haaaaliday is that as you describe it, it is a once in a lifetime trip. Seems mean to not include DSS in that, especially when he is still of an age when he would really enjoy it, as it isn’t just about the Disney characters. In fact he could possibly get more out of it than the younger DC, who could possibly just be overwhelmed (as we saw when we went to Disneyland Paris, many crying little ones!)

And your opening post seems to imply that DHs were welcome, so the only person never welcome was your DSS

bellebeautifu1 · 20/04/2022 10:17

TBH if it was anywhere but Disney and without DHs I would have said you are YANBU.

Except this is disney, its what a lot of kids want to experience. Unless you can compromise and take your DSS another time (obviously that depends on finances etc). The more sensible option would probably be a girls holiday to a Spanish beach resort witht cocktails.

Both my brothers have blended families, if one child went, all the other children went.

phoenixrosehere · 20/04/2022 10:21

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that sentence. You cannot bully people into pretending that something that isn't the case, is. They are a blended family, not a nuclear one. Both children will grow up fully aware they have different mothers. There's nothing wrong with that, it's the truth.

Exactly and children with the same mum and dad also spend one on one time with each child. I don’t know any parents who never spend one on one time with their children and that includes taking one child and leaving the other.

aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2022 10:21

Both my brothers have blended families, if one child went, all the other children went.

If they live with the resident parent this is much more likely to be the case. The dynamic is often very different when the SC is absent for the majority of the time.

Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 10:22

And your opening post seems to imply that DHs were welcome, so the only person never welcome was your DSS

Well yes, because he's in school when we want to go... It's much more of a faff to change everything so we can go in the school holidays which my friend doesn't want to do (and neither do I), when it's hotter, busier and more expensive so DSS can come than it is to just say 'were going on this date DH, you can come or not if you want'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 10:24

It's not just as easy to welcome DSS as it was to say the DHs could come or not on the dates we wanted to go. Asking DSS means changing the whole thing to something neither of us want. Asking DHs didn't.

OP posts:
Waspie · 20/04/2022 10:28

I swear AIBU is getting more insane by the day.

I went to Disney with my sister and our children when they were pre-school age once. It was fantastic. We didn't invite our partners at all. Never occurred to either of us to do so. It was our trip, having them along would have changed the dynamic totally. No way would I have changed the trip to be in school holidays; way too expensive and way too busy. I'd rather have not gone at all.

OP I think you should go with the suggestion pp made earlier of saying you and your son have been invited along on your friend's birthday trip of a lifetime.

Dixiechickonhols · 20/04/2022 10:29

You obviously want to go just you and son. But if you didn’t have some reservations about going without DSS you wouldn’t have posted. If you are asking in real life would you get judged for going on a Disney Cruise leaving 10/11 year at home then yes I’d think it was odd.
All the stuff about dearer in school hols isn’t true for Disney cruising. One cabin priced for 2 adults as you’ll have to pay adult for toddler if you are single adult occupant and one cabin for 4 of you will not be massively more - children are much cheaper than adult price.
Your little one will be taking about it. If you are booking for Bahamas 2023 it will be new Wish ship which is very boy oriented. I personally couldn’t imagine sitting in marvel themed restaurant or star wars themed bar and enjoying it knowing it he was missing out.
I wouldn’t dismiss DH going on basis he doesn’t like Disney, a Disney cruise is very different experience to parks.
If you don’t want to take him don’t take him but if it felt right to you you’d have just booked cruise not posted on here.

CorsicaDreaming · 20/04/2022 10:30

@aSofaNearYou

I see you've made it ok in your head but that sentence, fuck me.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that sentence. You cannot bully people into pretending that something that isn't the case, is. They are a blended family, not a nuclear one. Both children will grow up fully aware they have different mothers. There's nothing wrong with that, it's the truth.

Totally agree with this, @aSofaNearYou

And I am sure DS own mum would not appreciate it if OP overstepped the mark as the SM either.

It is a difficult balancing act for blended families and not helped by having trolling posts

BemoreDerek · 20/04/2022 10:41

I genuinely don't understand this idea that nothing fun can happen without DSC, what do the posters advocating that expect to happen, that OP's household just put their lives on hold until DSC are there? You can't, especially when there are other DC's in the household, and that means sometimes stuff happens without DSC. The fact that DSC get to do stuff with their DM/other family never seems to get taken into consideration or seen as unfair on other DC, why is that?