To not want my big birthday holiday to be a family holiday?

[Haaaaliday]

I've got a big birthday coming up next year and my best friend is turning the same age around the same time.

We've been talking for a while about booking a big, once in a lifetime style holiday with our children. Our DC won't be school age by then so we wouldn't be going in the school holidays which saves a lot on what is already an expensive trip. Both our husbands welcome too but we don't mind going just together with kids either.

My husband has an older DC from previous relationship who is 9, nearly 10 (would be at least 11 by the time we went). My friend has never met DHs son and he is much older than both her children and our joint child. DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision.

He is now making sounds about why it can't be a whole family holiday. He is offering to pay the difference.

AIBU to say no?

-My reasons really are this is a holiday for my birthday and not only mine, but my friends too. So I think what we want to do should take precedence. She nor her children have ever met my husband's son, she is very close to our child and I am with her's too.

• I do not want to have to go in the summer holidays. It's one thing me and my friend have said makes this the perfect time to do this type of holiday when our DC are little so no school holiday times required.

• I just want to focus on our DC and me and my friend. They are all similar ages so we can focus activities etc.. around their age.

I've accepted it may mean DH doesn't come but this was mine and my friends idea, I intended to pay for this myself and with some money my parents have offered toward it for my birthday.

AIBU to tell DH he can come or not but I'm not asking my friend to change plans to go in school holidays and with DSS?

If you have been on more than one once in a lifetime holiday, it just becomes a holiday @thatweirdhippygirl Bit like for schools when parents used to say their holiday was a once in a lifetime holiday to try and get it authorised and then went on a big holiday the next year

I do though think it is totally unreasonable to make it difficult for a father to attend a once in a lifetime family holiday with his children (which this is, regardless of what the OP says.)

He made it difficult by waiting until months later to decide he wants to make it a family holiday. He knew of his wife’s birthday plans with his friend yet now he wants to change them with little consideration to either of them and the cost and unless I missed it or misread he only offered to pay the difference for him and his DC not the inconvenience of her best friend and her children who wouldn’t be able to afford to go during the summer nor wanted to due the crowds (and I don’t blame them).

There is nothing stopping him from taking his son on his own or both of them to something Disney.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he mentioned it to his son and now his son wants to go so he is trying to save face and make OP change her plans.

toomuchlaundry the cruises includes very high quality kids clubs. They have a set up where they pick them up from restaurants so adults can have more leisurely meal.
I appreciate not everyone’s cup of tea but it’s very easy to have adult time - spa, adult only brunch, cocktail making class whilst kids are looked after.
On the private island you can all be together or there’s a kids club and an adult only beach.
It’s the reason it’s highly rated cruise line and expensive. It’s not just a bored teen and a few crayons type childcare it’s high tech whole areas of ship.

🤣🤣🤣
not really.
there’s many places on this planet I’d only see once in a lifetime, for various reasons.
a friend and I are doing Amtrak around the US in November. It’ll probably be the only time I do it in my lifetime, as saving for it is killing me. And she’s paying for all the flights!

@toomuchlaundry

@CorsicaDreaming I am wondering how much celebrating will be going on with preschoolers in tow and no other family adult to look after them whilst the two birthday girls go celebrating. Ironically, probably easier to go on holiday with the stepson, who would be able to entertain himself

...

Yes but it is each to their own, isn't it?

My choice (and I suspect my big birthday is sadly at least a decade bigger than OPs!) is for adult girlfriends and drinks, chilled out country rambles, and pubs. A Disney Cruise would not make my top 100 things to do. Ever. But that's fine. It would not do for us all to be the same now, would it?

My choice is not to exclude additional jelly and chocolate cake shenanigans with my DS9 (who in a superlative act of planning on my part is exactly the same birthday as mine - plus 6 days).
This will also be done to the MAX too.
Probably with ten pin bowling and VR Headset racing (which I'm incredibly chuffed to say I can beat him at )

Well OP has said she wants to focus on her DS and doing activities with them, doesn't fit with putting them in clubs

I think if you all went besides your SS (but including your DH) then that's a really shitty thing to do to a kid

toomuchLaundry It would be odd to go and not use the clubs it’s a big part of it. It’s hard to explain it’s American summer camp style staff mixed with Disney theming and tech.
So breakfast together, pool/water slides, children in club and have adult time. Dinner together. Kids in club whilst do adult themed bars then all watch broadway style show or pirate night fireworks.
disneycruiselineblog.com/2021/04/disney-wish-the-grand-reveal-of-the-kids-clubs/

Believe it or not we actually want to go with and spend the time with our children

thatweirdhippygirl used Amtrak NY to Washington DC earlier this year and it was fab. Booked via wanderu it was cheap $29 one way - wide leather seats and sockets etc just in standard. Will definitely use again. Enjoy your trip.

And as PP said, there are good kids clubs if we want a few hours / afternoon / evening to ourselves.

@Haaaaliday - it sounds like a good mix to me

We've done Club Med several times when my DS was younger and that worked well - time with him, time for us to go off snorkelling / sailing / etc. when he was in kids camp.

Well yeah, I think if she isn't going to take SS then she should also not take DH because leaving 1 person out of the holiday like that (especially one that probably feels less a part of the family as it is) is a really shitty thing to do.

It has a different vibe if she goes with her friend and her friends young children

I have to say my DH would have wanted to have joined in with seeing our DS enjoying Disney or anything big like this. It would definitely be a family thing. If Disney was a every 3 months type thing, then maybe not, but certainly a family thing (which a Disney cruise is) I would have felt odd not including him. Then if he was coming it would be be bad if DSS couldn't come either.

Of course people are allowed to do things with friends. But if my DH said he was going on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday without me, I'd think I also might be considering the future of my marriage. Because I'd never do that to him. I wouldn't prioritise friends over family.

OP, it's fine to go away with your friend and the kids for a birthday trip. But I don't think its fine to for it to be a once-in-a-lifetime style trip. If you could afford (between you and DH) to do a similar holiday next year for your whole family, then that might be different, but you've already said you can't afford it.

@toomuchlaundry

I have to say my DH would have wanted to have joined in with seeing our DS enjoying Disney or anything big like this. It would definitely be a family thing. If Disney was a every 3 months type thing, then maybe not, but certainly a family thing (which a Disney cruise is) I would have felt odd not including him. Then if he was coming it would be be bad if DSS couldn't come either.

This is something he'd need to accept as someone with a child from a former relationship, though. His new partner will do things and he will need to either be happy to go along without his DS sometimes, or cope with missing out himself. Life doesn't stand still because of his situation.

@aSofaNearYou you could argue it the other way that OP has married someone with a child and there are times when DSS should be considered.

DH had a stepdad and he fitted in with his step kids. Does seem to be different rules for step mums

@toomuchlaundry

@aSofaNearYou you could argue it the other way that OP has married someone with a child and there are times when DSS should be considered.

DH had a stepdad and he fitted in with his step kids. Does seem to be different rules for step mums

I know, people often do, but it's bogus tbh. Step parents lives do not revolve around their step children, they will always want to and be entitled to do things without them as well as with, and if you seek out a relationship post splitting with your child's other parent you need to be able to accept that.

Step dad's often live with their step children full time from the get go which is quite a different dynamic and usually does involve being fully involved through necessity.

But if my DH said he was going on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday without me, I'd think I also might be considering the future of my marriage. Because I'd never do that to him. I wouldn't prioritise friends over family.
But this is a OIAL trip for op, not her DH. She's nothing to suggest that her DP also considers this an amazing holiday and is desperate to go. Disney Cruise? I'd imagine the total opposite for lots of men. I'm going on a OIAL trip for three nights in Europe to a concert. It isn't so much the money that makes it OIAL but its something I don't see myself redoing because it will never be as good as that first time. He's staying home with the kids. For him it would be a holiday to put up with. If he could come (can't, we have three kids) he'd enjoy the bit in the middle, abhor the travel and be fine about the concert. It's OPS OIAL trip, and her mates

It isn't so much the money that makes it OIAL but its something I don't see myself redoing because it will never be as good as that first time

Fair enough, I suppose it depends on your definition of a OIAL trip. For me, I guess it would be something that's expensive, meaning that it would be difficult to do it again. And the OP has said that this is expensive, so a family holiday will not be in the same league. It doesn't sound fair to me, to prioritise my own trip over a family trip, but I guess we're all different. I know that my DH would feel the same. We've both been away on holidays without each other, but never at the expense of the main family holiday.

DH initially said he felt unable to come as wouldn't want DSS to miss out which I understood and accepted that decision

The OP's DH said that he felt unable to come, not that he didn't want to. It may be his idea of a wonderful holiday, but he just felt he couldn't go without his son.

IMO for it to be a OIAL trip it has to a something more special then your normal trips that you are unlikely to be able to do again (maybe because of money, time, or maybe because it is a point in time). Its definitely not a normal trip that you don't want to repeat (I've been to Grimsby once, don't plan to go back there but that didn't make it a OIAL trip!).

In her DH's case he might be seeing this as a OIAL trip. Not though directly for himself, but because he's never going to be ever able to take all his kids on a Disney Cruise at the same time where they are still at an age where they will really appreciate it.

The OP also describes it as OIAL trip so assume something similar will never happen again

personally for OIAL trip I would go when all DC will appreciate it. Think pre-schoolers won’t fully appreciate it which would be a shame and partly waste of money in respect of them

But if my DH said he was going on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday without me, I'd think I also might be considering the future of my marriage.

I wouldn't unless it was a joint dream that we had both talked about and the he decided to do with someone else. I actively don't want my partner on my once in a lifetime dream holiday. Paying a lot of money for him to join me on a glacier hike that he wouldn't enjoy? No thanks, Lake District hike was an experience enough for him. If he wants me to join him in would cup final in Qatar, fine but I'd rather have him go with his friend who would share his once in a lifetime excitement of seeing England win the World Cup.

I have to say my DH would have wanted to have joined in with seeing our DS enjoying Disney or anything big like this. It would definitely be a family thing

DSS mother may fee the same!

does DH go on all if DSS holidays? Just so he doesn’t miss his excitement?

I get the lifetime dream, but the OP hasn't even hinted she has been dreaming of going on a Disney Cruise. In her words "this was mine and my friends idea" and "wanted to do something fun together with our kids".